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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate March 2000 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate March 2000 |
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INSIDE SCOOP |
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PARTS, PAINT AND MORE PONDERING II To be honest, I had no idea I'd be following up on last week's article this quickly. In fact, I was pretty sure it would end up in my growing box of past articles. However, not more than two days after the papers went out a letter appeared in my mailbox! The point of it was that the writer, who I will call Samaritan, wanted to tell me about a possible answer to the abundance of spare parts for ships. The root of Samaritan's letter was that they had found a secret chop shop, hidden away on the planet Torture. Not one to just let someone take all the glory of investigative reporting, I asked DGallagher, a good friend of mine, to head over to Torture and check things out. While on the planet, he actually watched visitors' ships be carted away and cut up for parts in a huge chop shop buried in a maze of caves! Intrigued (and more than slightly annoyed), DGallagher confronted the planet's owner, Tis, about the situation. Tis admitted that certain businessmen had bought some space in the caves for unknown purposes, but denied that it had anything to do with illegal activities. DG, being a rather observant fellow, noticed how Tis tended to hesitate in responding and seemed generally nervous. Although Tis tried to dodge questions, the truth (pesky thing that it is) kept coming back up. Finally, my intrepid amigo had no choice but to take Tis to see the chop shop firsthand. Hallway Store Room Tis smiled, cheerfully announcing, "Hey, they got it organized...and dusted too." DGallagher began to get a little more suspicious at this point, but he decided to press on. Tis seemed a little too calm about such a huge criminal operation on Torture, but that could just be denial. Chop Shop "Well?" asked DGallagher. Unfortunately for Tis, as well as anybody who's ever met him at a cocktail party, DGallagher knows quite a bit about 21st century metal sculpture. (For all you readers out there, if you meet DG after he's had a few drinks, don't mention sculpture. You'll be up for hours.) "21st century metal sculpture
followed a longitudinal axis action flow. Yours has no
coherent flow of motion," explained/lectured DG. Thankfully, DG was a little too busy at the moment to give a proper lecture. Instead, he and Tis entered the foreman's office to find out exactly what was going on. Chop Shop Office DGallagher asked Tis for any
thoughts on the matter. Dgallagher, who by this point was getting pretty miffed, slapped the "DISCONNECT" button on the phone. "Okay, now you're not interrupting," commented DG. The rest of the conversation went quickly. Tis kept coming up with new excuses, such as the manager buys ships auctioned off when people "sell ship and travel." (Everybody knows that the Tooth Fairy's cousin, the Unwanted Ship Fairy, handles that.) Finally, Tis ran out of excuses and signalled a couple "gentlemen" waiting nearby that my friend was becoming a bother.
As you can imagine, DGallagher wasn't too happy about that. Cell What follows is an unretouched recording of the dramatic Steven Spielberg-esque ending of this ordeal. (Actually, Spielberg was unavailable for the shooting of the dramatic ending, so we had to make do with a camcorder and a mechanic named "Charlie.")
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Tis, "I'll get you for this!" For both their sakes, I hope not. But in any case, it would appear as though the mystery has finally been laid to rest: the spare parts you put in your ship come from illegal chop shops! (Yes, I know you all knew that, but in order to keep my job on this paper, I have to sound like I'm telling breaking news.) An official investigation into these illegal parts purveyors will be launched as soon as haulers bring in enough red tape. As for myself, I think I've learned my lesson. That lesson is: stay out of investigative journalism. Get a friend to do it.
SCOUNDREL'S
CORNER: NEW SPACE ORDER Over the past year or so, the very social structure of Dataspace has seen profound changes. We watched in awe as the interspatial gateway was re-opened and scads of barons revved up their rusting time machines, each chomping at the bit to be the first to vanquish the Rotten Martians, Save All Of Humanity, and be named DataSpace's First New Duke or Duchess. In a galactic heartbeat, everything had changed. Martians found death by the bucket-load, and scores of Dukes and Duchesses settled in their new realms. Suddenly, the long waits for duchy membership became a thing of the past. Gone too were the eye bleeds and migraine headaches experienced when a foolish trader attempted to check the price of livestock in Sol. Happy colonists swarmed into the newly-founded duchies like a mad horde of Foojalien horned locusts. The price of starship fuel soared during this great Exodus, and tanker ships were forced to increase their speed to a blistering crawl from their former wallow just to meet the demand. Almost overnight, thousands of wealthy psychotherapists found themselves living out of discarded cargo containers, their once-vast clientele of disgruntled whining colonists now yucking it up with the rich and famous. Whatever became of the Great Old Ones, those dukes and duchesses who guided the populace through the Dark Times? Prior to the great Exodus, dukedom was accorded a degree of respect that seems to be lost to DataSpace. Hearken back with me now to those good old days.
(In 'ports a duke, and the effect back then was always amazing. Most folks dropped everything and openly boggled.)
Nowadays, of course, it is a different matter entirely. Observe.
Kind of sad, really. That unwavering respect accorded to the nobility in those days lent a certain structure to the community, lent a certain mystique to the rank of Duke. Nowadays, it seems that for a duke to be treated with the same degree of respect as that blindly given to their predecessors, they have to do something to earn it. On the other hand, maybe that is a good thing. In any case, the days ahead promise to be interesting indeed.
THE
STORY OF CHECKMATE AND THE DUKE WHO CRIED FOUL! I recently signed into Fed and was assailed with the following bar boards:
And later again this:
As Filbert is Stage's second in command, and I had been vacationing by touring the multiverse, I wanted to get down to the root of the argument. I called on Duke Ryno, of Checkmate to have a discussion regarding the posts. It seems that Duke Ryno had some sort of vixen uprising in his Duchy regarding the placement of showers just outside his jello pool. In addition, the vixens wanted Duke Ryno to allow the addition of single male planet owners in the duchy of Checkmate. I suppose they grew bored of sharing Duke Ryno! In Duke Ryno's own word, there were more demands, but he has since conveniently forgotten them… (for you ladies out there, never yearn to be a vixen for a forgetful duke!) To meet his vixen's demands, Duke Ryno agreed to have the showers installed and host a Valentine's Day Party this Saturday. In order to protect my integrity as a reporter and protect the Chronicle from libel suits (lawyers are pricey these days!) I will long the next inflammatory comments that Duke Ryno made during our discussion.
Finally! I was to the point that Filbert had gotten involved in another duchy's apparent distress. As many know, Filbert has been practicing Law in Fed for quite some time. He's an amazing shark, a master orator, and fleeces everyone he comes into contact with. (Now you understand why I want to protect the Chronicle, he'd probably end up with my duchy as his legal fees!) Duke Ryno had actually defeated Filbert and his co-counsel Geiiga in Filberts very costly divorce with Wolfyn. Because of this, Duke Ryno was quite amazed that Filbert agreed to come represent him in this manner. Had Duke Ryno been as shrewd as he'd like others to believe, he would've realized that he had just handed Filbert the PERFECT opportunity for revenge! As soon as Filbert arrived on the scene, he was immediately captured. Being ever resourceful, he soon not only secured his release, but also the release of Duke Ryno. Filbert then promptly demanded his legal fee of 1.5 gig, a considerable increase from the free services that he had originally led Duke Ryno to believe he was offering. I'm sure the increase had to do with the fact that Duke Ryno didn't ensure Filbert's safety as soon as he entered Checkmate. At any rate, Duke Ryno instead offered Squire Keshrika, one of his vixens, to Filbert in lieu of 1.5 gig. Duke Ryno also claims that Filbert somehow hypnotized Keshrika, blinding her to reality, so that she wished to be sold. I believe that Keshrika was enamored with Filbert's good looks, charm and personal wealth and saw the opportunity to belong to one man who would have only one vixen, instead of belonging to Duke Ryno whom she would have to share with the other vixens. Duke Ryno and his minions are now proposing that trickery, deceit and miscellaneous hooliganism was involved with his loss of Keshrika as his possession. Duke Ryno also believes that Filbert has received more than his share of Keshrika's charms and should be grateful enough for that and return her to her previous owner. "Checkmate is no longer in the slave business.... well at least not outside of the duchy", Ryno says with a wink. As other Fedders have read the boards, there has been a large outcry for Stage, who is backing Filbert entirely, to release Keshrika from her gilded cage. The fact of the matter is that Stage is Keshrika's one chance for freedom. Filbert is keeping Keshrika in the gilded cage until this matter is settled. Duke Ryno used a vixen to pay his debt and should not have any more rights in the matter. When Stage is assured that Keshrika will be safe from Checkmate and it's outdated view against vixens, assured that Keshrika will always be treated as a first rate citizen, and assured that Filbert has had grown weary of keeping the cage stocked with Epini rum and all of the other luxuries Stage has to offer… then and only then, will Keshrika be released!
DUCHESSE
CRESSIDA AND DUKE RYONO AGREE!! Okay, so maybe I've gotten a little out of hand with my latest by-line, but the fact of the matter is that I'm very pleased with myself today. As most of you know, there has been quite a feud going on between Stage and Checkmate. I decided to meet with Keshrika, who had been enslaved for the cost of legal representation and who was the center of the controversy between Stage and Checkmate. As expected, Keshrika was quite unhappy. Even though I had given the Stagehands who were guarding her gilded cage in Monarchy the word that she was to be able to "escape" at regular intervals to do necessary business such as shopping, Keshrika was distraught when I met with her. To begin with, I thought I'd get her version of events. Duke Ryno has a way of leaving out important details (thinking they aren't relevant when in fact they are the root of his problems with his vixens!).
Keshrika said, "well now... my side. When I arrived on Essencia that day the Duke was already bound with duct tape and Filbert was trying to defend him. I think Filbert saw me as a crack in the Vixen's wall. Filbert tried to get me to support him and Ryno, and he was sooo charming. The vixens were horrified when they saw me appear to take the bait, but I had my own plans." This was the first of many of my surprises! Keshrika grinned and said, "within a few moments Filbert was practically fighting for the vixens" I had to chuckle. Here Filbert was thinking that he was in control when in fact Keshrika was the one that was pulling the strings. A true vixen indeed! However, to her horror, Keshrika's plan backfired. Keshrika said, "It would have worked if Ryno hadn't slapped him back to his senses. I think Ryno was thinking he was doing me a favor when he traded me. Ryno saw the attraction that Fil and I were playing against each other. But the reason I accepted the trade was for my duchymates. Ryno was pretty darn angry about the loss of chest hair from the duct tape and he was thinking up a suitable punishment for the vixens. I agreed to the trade on condition that the vixens got a full pardon. Ryno also realized that I couldn't be away from Checkmate for long and be happy." I asked Keshrika if Ryno submitted to the demands of the Vixens, namely the installations of the showers outside the jello pool. With that Keshrika wrinkled her nose and mentioned that the showers were a bit moldy and the vixens hoped for improvements because the Duke was sick when he ordered them built. I took a quick look around the showers and I was dismayed for the vixens. What do you think?
Shaking the horrible picture from my mind, I tried to see things from Keshrika's point of view. Although Duke Ryno hadn't really met their demands, Checkmate was Keshrika's home. In addition, there was the matter of Madman. Apparently when Keshrika was on one of her shopping sprees, she met a young man named Madman. He not only carried her packages, but also carried away her heart. And Filbert, well, Filbert hadn't been around much and had pretty much ignored Keshrika since Ryno and he struck the deal. I noticed that when Keshrika spoke of Madman, her face lit up. This bothered me more than Duke Ryno and his challenge. However, there was this question of appearing weak if I called off the duel. To make matters worse, there was a new development in Stage that required my immediate attention. Geiiga, Patron Green Saint of Stage, had a porter accident and was suddenly a merchant again. I decided to see what I could do to remedy the situation, Duchesse to Duke. I found Duke Ryno chasing Keshrika and Amethyst all over Checkmate for another imagined wrongdoing. After cornering him in Keshrika's bar, I convinced him that perhaps there was a way of resolving this issue without going to our warships. What distressed Keshrika the most about the duel was that Caribbean, my only Fed Husband, had agreed to represent Stage against MacWarrior of Checkmate. We all knew that it was a 50/50 shot who would win. Keshrika knew that if Caribbean prevailed, I would force her to move her link to Stage and she would be separated from Madman. Duke Ryno and I engaged in somewhat heated negotiations. He was laying out terms for the agreement when I noticed the hopeful look on Keshrika's face. I decided to step off the limb and not caring if others felt I was weak, I refused the duel. Amazingly enough, the very second the sentence left my mouth, Duke Ryno also called off the duel. Just like that <snaps fingers> the war between our duchies was over. Duke Ryno was also generous enough to offer Checkmate's support in Geiiga's return to Baron.
The best part of all, was how Keshrika's face lit up when she realized that she was free.
FEDERATION
COMMANDS I was sitting in the Cantina after just purchasing my first ship. Being new to Federation, I had much to learn. I was acquiring valuable information from the crowd in the bar. Information that would lead me into a galaxy filled with an unprecedented dialect. In order to survive my new adventure I had to learn some basic commands. Using these commands made the game spring to life. I was so excited when I first learned how to enter my own spaceship! I learned the social, hauling and ship commands quickly and began to make Federation my own. As I reflect back to the beginning of my Fed life I am still in awe of the commands that enable us to create new worlds as well as allowing us all to communicate. I suppose that I have used most of the 240 plus commands that are at our disposal, but do we really know what all of them mean when we use them? Many on the commands list make complete sense and I use them on a daily basis. There are some commands that I have never used and still wonder what they truly mean. What is a snog? How and what do you nationalize? These are just a few that continue to boggle my mind. Some commands aren't used as often as others. When is the last time you typed registry or stardate? There are others that will not do anything, such as the set milkrun command. As I travel through the vastness of DataSpace and meet various life forms, I am relieved that I did one important thing in Fed… Probably the most important decision I have made… I printed the commands list!
Last week I entered Federation DataSpace for the first time in two years (I played as GavinSith on AOL Fed). Wow. I can't tell you how great a feeling it was. Sure, I played other MMORPG's (the big fancy name now: Massively Mutliplayer Online Role-Playing Game), Sierra's The Realm and Verant's EverQuest (still play EQ), but nothing compared to Fed. Why? How? How could an RPG (let's talk about EverQuest) with rich, 3D graphics, thousands of users on simultaneously, and a complex world full of NPCs, quests, and combat be less fun than a text-based MUD that began in 1987? The answer is quite simple. EQ gets boring. Fed doesn't. With a horrible group and nothing to hunt in Oasis, I got bored and got off. Sure, there's always people to talk to, but I'll go to a chat room if I want to talk. I get the most fun out of EQ by role-playing. I can still do that in a chat room. It's just nicer with graphics. I get the most fun out of Fed by advancing in ranks not by tedious combat, but by progressively harder economic challenges. The system is wonderful! While I do it, too, there are intelligent people I can talk with! Not some guy named Pimpdaddy that says "hey d00d, u wanna go kik sum ass!" Now, enough about how awesome Fed is (read: shameless ass kissing to make sure I get this into the Fed Chronicle), let's talk about my triumphant return to Fed! Well, for two years, I would almost always think about Fed, all the good times (Fedpardy, making GM, doing the dex puzzle for the first time), and all the bad times (Dding… twice, getting dumped by my FedGirlfriend, yes, I am that much of a loser, and leaving Fed). Also, I always wanted to be a PO. I thought I could make a pretty good planet (time for shameless plug of soon-to-be planet: Mythos will feature Fed's first (as far as I know) multiple-puzzle, dynamic system. There will be multiple puzzle for various groups, and if you complete one, the planet will change completely and another puzzle will be in place.) I'd like to touch on one event that is one of (if not my all-time) fondest memory… period. Picture this: End of the World Party, either Aug. 30, 31, or Sept. 1, 1997. Final Fedpardy of AOL Fed. I had to be there (I am quite the Jeopardy player in RL… Fedpardy is right up my alley). Earlier in the day, I had gotten a sex change. I don't remember my clothes description, but all I remember is someone in Mba (plea: Mba duchy, what happened? You're closed, Flying is closed… what's going on? Why is so much closed! I wanna see my old friends), the name had Wings in it I think (maybe that was her FedHusband) came up with it for me. Something about a hint of garter or something… anyway, Galinfenner seemed to be (as usual) hooked on voluptuous females hiking their skirts (what's new). So, when I made it to the Final Fedpardy, the question was asked (I don't remember the whole thing, here's the gist of it): This speed (forget number) was calculated by (some guy) in (some year) and proven to be what? Some schmuck called out "speed of sound!" and ruined it. So there was no Final Fedpardy… I still IMed Galin a reply "Well, speed of sound… but it is also known as the speed at which a select few women can hike their skirts." At first, MissTazz (or was it MissTazzToo) was announced winner by default (she was scorekeeper), but then he saw my answer and I tied with her! I won free coupons to FedMart or something like that, which topped it off as simply awesome. Two days later (they had End of the World Part 2, because IceDrake couldn't "eat all the planets" in time), Fed crashed for the final time. I played the cheap, start-as-a-newbie Internet Fed, but even before it was up for real, I knew I couldn't work with an hourly rate, so I quit. But the flat-rate brought me back. I have noticed one major change in Internet Fed over AOL Fed though (besides the fact the Telnet is a piece of crap… I was Gavingavin for my 2 trial hours since I couldn't see what I was typing), less people. And of the people that do play, 90% are POs. No bustling Cantina on Earth full of newbies, no packed channel 4 "pc pow altaria," just a packed channel 9. Oh well… the Internet is less accessible than AOL, watcha gonna do? Well, I am back on Fed for good now. Paying my monthly £6 sterling (does the £ go before or after the number? Sorry if I got it wrong) and living it up! Many thanks to Duchess Phiddie of Maine for helping me jog my memory and get back on track! You might remember, I wrote (starting at Merchant) an article per rank about something concerning that rank. I will continue to do so as long as the Fed Chronicle Staff publishes it! It's good to be back!
I don't know if any of you have noticed (and if you haven't, you need to get out of the cave a little more often), but space is really back in the theaters. Between the two new Mars movies and the Hollywood blockbusters of yore, space has always been a favorite movie topic. However, as a friend was kind enough to alert me to, the best part of space, the one most deserving of a movie, hasn't been given one! Yes, folks, I'm talking about Fed. I recently (over)heard a conversation wherin the entire plot for the Fed movie was created. The problem: A planet, embargoed by a cruel duchy, needs soya. These peaceloving asylum-dwelling workthingies, unable to help themselves, enlist the help of... The heroes: who are two just-promoted-to-Traders, who although they don't understand economics at all, can lose their shirts with the best of them. Of course, their mission is compounded by the problems posed by... Occasional universe crashes: although we're not sure how to put them into the movie without throwing the audience out of the theater for a few hours before letting them back in. Of course, all this leads through a number of... Twists and turns: mostly comprised of running out of gas, getting lost, and being sidetracked by our... Lovable background character: played by a member of the Staff. People who don't get this part might like to try for... The villain: who is known for shooting at the heroes (see above), laughing in an insane manner, and throwing the audience out of the theater halfway through the movie. This all leads to... The amazing ending: wherein the entire theater collapses. This sounds pretty good to me. It's a lot better than watching Gary Sinise romp around on Mars. Although I enjoyed that movie, Mars just wasn't accurate. Everybody knows Chez Diesel is on the west side of the road. As always, if any of you would like to impart upon my person a bit of wisdom, or maybe just something bizarre, you can e-mail it to me at Horatio_TheWriter@excite.com!
FED
EVENTS - UNOFFICIAL GAMES YOU NEVER HEARD ABOUT Perched upon your computer chair, you gaze into the monitor screen as you click your way into Federation dataspace. You wait patiently as the sign-on screen gets your information. Suddenly, the statis field holding you sends you into the cosmos... As you arrive, you probably do the basic things, like checking on your groats, checking your stats, doing a QW, and saying hello on the comms. After a series of hugfests on your chosen channel you settle back and see what's going on. If you came into the game in the evening you could participate in one of the game events that are going on. But, what if you came into the game early in the day? All of the events we have now all started the same way. They were an idea that someone grabbed and introduced into the game. These events are all great, but sometimes we have to make our own fun. Sometimes good and sometimes not. Entertainment while in dataspace is as necessary as oxygen in your spaceship. But what to do? I have a few ideas that might tingle your circuits. I like to think about the objects that are in the game, like the coat or the wrench for example. Find an object, build a game around it and let the games begin! Due to the fact that some of the games I came up with are a bit twisted I won't list all of them, but here are a few that would prove to be interesting and fairly safe for the contestants:
I guess what I am saying is this... use your imagination and have fun. Federation is what you make it... and it begins with you! Disclaimer - Bsacarl cannot be held liable for any misfortune, personal or otherwise, to anyone attempting any of the above events.
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CRIED FOUL!