WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS
Earthdate March 2000


INSIDE SCOOP


FED FUNNIES


OFFICIAL NEWS
by Hazed


What was in March 2000's Official News:

THE MONTH IN BRIEF
FROM THE POSTBAG: REMOTE PAINTING
ALIEN'S STOLE MY PENCIL
THE PENCIL REDUX
FROM THE POSTBAG: SILENT TRAVEL
FROM THE POSTBAG: SILENT TRAVEL, PART II

THE MONTH IN BRIEF

The month of March kicked off with launch of the new event leagues. In more event news, plans were made for the annual Easter events, and for an April Fool's Day planet.

Meanwhile, players laid their plans for Spring Fed Meets all over the country.

A hardware problem caused outages to our site on two consecutive Thursday nights.

Alsatian published his first planet review, and awarded the first Carpenter award to Whirlwind for his planet Tempest.

FROM THE POST-BAG: REMOTE PAINTING

An enquiring player writes to ask:

"How can one paint ones ship remotely?"

Leaving aside sarcastic comments about using a very long paintbrush, the answer is that you don't actually do the painting yourself. That would be far too much like hard work. I mean, can you imagine the average Fedder physically splashing paint onto his, her or its ship personally? What a ludicrous idea.

No, that's what we have droids for. Your instruction is relayed, using your comm unit, to the design shop which is a part of the local shipyard, and a droid is immediately despatched to do the job. This small droid has long, spidery legs that enable it to clamber onto all parts of the ship with ease. Its body is made up of a number of small reservoirs containing concentrated paint in many different colors, and a large reservoir of the solvent which is used to dilute that concentrated color. It has two arms that have nozzle attachments, which spray the paint onto the ship in the desired volume, from a fine mist to a hard jet. It has two additional arms which are used as necessary to attach other items to the ship, such as fabric, lights and other electronics, decorative studs and rivets, or whatever other substances the more bizarre denizens of Fed DataSpace request.

And before anyone asks how come you can look at the paint job on other people's ships without actually walking to the LP, it's because your comm unit connects you to your ship, and your ship can look at any other ship parked close by, and therefore you can examine any ship on the same LP as yours. That's technology for you.

ALIENS STOLE MY PENCIL

With countless millions in dataspace relying on the newsdroids for accurate, up to the minute information, it was no surprise to find one in CDs inquiring into Pintomike's complaint of a missing pencil.

According to Pintomike, he was peacefully sitting in CDs the other night, having a pint of Diesel's Old Peculiar, when his attention wandered off in contemplation of the correct proportions of spices for a proper curry. The next thing he knew, he was brought rudely back to consciousness and was stunned to find his cherished pencil missing. He claims he caught a glimpse of the Demi-Goddess Hazed snickering as she slipped out the back door of CDs and a moment later realized not only was his pencil missing but someone had used it to draw a pair of spectacles on his noble visage! What shock! What horror! What outrage! The perpetrator must be found and punished and the beloved pencil returned. To this end, Pintomike filed a formal complaint with the Galactic Administration.

A newsdroid from the Federation Chronicle was quickly dispatched to Chez Diesel (Social Center of the Solar System) and interviewed all the regulars present at Chez Diesel:

"I don't have any pencils. I claim it's because I never make mistakes, but really it's because the mistakes I make are so spectacularly huge, an eraser won't fix them.", says Nightdroid.
Barb says, "I blame the recent rash of pencil snatching on aliens"
Nightdroid says, "I think it's more a case of abduction than outright theft."
"I have the headline: Aliens Stole my Pencil", says Hazed.
"They probably turn up in some farmer's field after a week.", says Nightdroid.
Abiqu smiles, "aren't they the pencils that crash landed near Roswell?"
"That's just what the Aliens want you to think.", says Nightdroid.
"what kind of pencil did aliens take hazed?", asks Abiqu.
Nightdroid says, "HB."
"It was Pintomike's pencil. At least, I say it was aliens, and who would dare to contradict me?", asks Hazed.
"I mean, it is absurd to imagine that I might have taken it myself, for any reason. Why would I?", asks Hazed.
Hazed fiddles with something in her pocket.
Hazed says, "If I wanted a pencil I would simply snap my fingers, and one of my acolytes would fetch me one."

Stop Press: The Galactic Administration has completed its investigation and found no evidence that the pencil ever even existed, let alone went missing. Latest rumors have it that the Galactic Administration is considering preparing a case against Pintomike on the grounds of fraudulent claims.

THE PENCIL REDUX

In a startling legal development of the Case of the Missing Pencil, the Demi-Goddess Hazed personally served an Imperial Cease and Desist order on Pintomike yesterday demanding that he refrain from accusing her of stealing his cherished pencil.

Luckily for Fed Chronicle readers, your loyal Newsdroid was on the scene to capture the following:

Hazed hands Pintomike a very official-looking document, then stands back with folded arms, looking smug
Pintomike opens said document.
Pintomike reads a little, and rubs his chin.
Pintomike asks, "Now see here, what does this "cease and desist" part mean?"
Hazed looks as if she wants to go "nyah nyah nyah" but is afraid it wouldn't be dignified
Pintomike stares.
"Goodness, don't you have a dictionary? "Cease" means stop, and "Desist" means stop, so it means STOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!", exclaims Hazed.
Pintomike notes the document does not specify what to cease and desist from.
Hazed says, "Of course, it's all wrapped up in fancy lawyer talk, but the gist of it is: I did not steal your pencil, and you must stop accusing me of it"
"On that note, I will gladly cease and desist from torturing the poor marsrat... he gave me one too many nasty nips anyways.", says Pintomike
"I understand that Students Against Pencil Snatching (SAPS) have taken it up as a cause", Barb says.
Pintomike says, "Without my incitement, I might add."
"What? You mean you are masterminding a criminal conspiracy against me?", asks Hazed.
Pintomike says, "Even the bureaucrats are behind me on this one... everyone understands the need for a good pencil."
Pintomike exclaims, "I am doing no such thing!"
Hazed exclaims, "Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!"
"I think it's called Deep Pockets", Barb says.
Pintomike snaps a finger and an Intellect lawyer runs to his side, "Run this through "The Process", come back to me with a reply within the day."
"I doubt anyone can find my pockets with this posture, let alone measure their depth", says Hazed.
Pintomike watches as the lawyer runs off.
"At least Barb is on my side, aren't you darling?", asks Hazed.
"I hope you realize my brother, Filbert, is an expert lawyer, Hazed. He will see these documents if you decide to continue your path of oppression and lying...", says Pintomike.
Hazed asks, "What? You are accusing me of more things now?"
Barb pulls out her reporters notepad
"The News is always neutral", Barb says.
Pintomike exclaims, "I accuse you of trying to hide the truth! All I want is the truth, damn it, and I want it now!"
"How can you say I an oppressive. Why, I am the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, wonderfulest demi-goddess there has ever been", says Hazed.
Barb considers actually finally using a new joke in the News
Pintomike says, "Being as you are the *only* Demi-Goddess that has ever graced this universe, such an assessment might be hard to judge, dear Hazed."
Hazed asks, "Ah, but what is truth?"
Hazed says, "As a demi-goddess, whatever I say is true."
"If I say there is no Easter Bunny then it's true!", exclaims Hazed.
"oh no, the Easter Bunny is also missing?", Barb asks.
"He doesn't exist. He's completely fictional.", says Hazed.
"hmm is that related? A string of seemingly unrelated but ominous disappearances", Barb says.
"What do you have to say about the crop circles and ley lines in the shape of a pencil on the plains of mars, eh?", asks Barb.
Pintomike exclaims, "I challenge that authority under Code 24391 of the 534th Edict of Ming, which states that no one has the authority to claim everything one says to be the truth, except for him!"
"Code... erm... which?", asks Hazed.
Hazed gets out her rule book.
Pintomike exclaims, "I accuse you of killing the Easter Bunny with my pencil and covering both of them up!"
Pintomike looks triumphant. "I have you now."
Hazed asks, "Is that the rule that says all left-handed dock workers must be called Brian?"
"No, the one after that...", says Pintomike.
Pintomike drags out his copy of the rule book.
Hazed runs her finger down the page.
The Workthingie has just arrived.
Hazed says, "Ah. That one."
"It was him!", exclaims Hazed.
Hazed points to the workthingie
"He did it! I saw him.", says Hazed.
"I demand that he be searched for evidence.", says Hazed.
Pintomike says, "How dare you accuse my Workthingie of such a crime! I beat him regularly to make sure he would not be mentally able to do such a thing without breaking down and confessing it to me."
Hazed slips something into the Workthingie's pocket, hoping nobody sees.
"Search him, go on.", says Hazed.
Pintomike calls out a technician who's been hiding in the shadows, whispers something, and looks smug as the technician runs off to the room labeled, "Video Surveillance"...
Pintomike searches his workthingie...
Pintomike pulls his pencil out of the pocket of the workthingie, just as the technician comes back grinning, video tape in hand.
The Workthingie has just left.
"He's getting away! Stop him.", says Hazed.
Hazed says, "See, I told you it was him"
Hazed looks triumphant.
Hazed asks, "Well?"
Pintomike says, "I am going to submit so called pencil as exhibit A... to be analyzed for further fingerprints."
Hazed says, "Fingerprints? Err. Oh."
Pintomike says, "Analysis of this video tape should provide a completely different story."
Hazed says, "Video tape? Umm."
Pintomike grins and waves at the camera over Hazed's shoulder.
"You haven't heard the last of this. I shall bring down the full weight of the law to prove your guilt in this matter.", says Hazed.
"You see if I don't!", exclaims Hazed.
Pintomike smiles broadly as his lawyer comes back, wielding a document.
"And your little dog too!", exclaims Hazed.

Pintomike, in an exclusive interview confirmed that "The Bureaucrats United Towards Totalitarian Supremacy (B.U.T.T.S.) have indicated the urgency of this issue, stating that "such a crime against an aspiring dictator [sic] is unacceptable. This attempt to dismantle a notorious figurehead will not be "tolerated".

In related developments, students demonstating in front of the local Galactic Administration Centre were stunned at the news of the Cease and Desist Order. The Students Against Pencil Snatching (SAPS) representative said that while they understood the gravity of the order they would still maintain their support for the embattled Pintomike.

Meanwhile, at the Earth spaceport, the Interstellar Ship and Dockworkers Union shop steward announced they would call a by the book work action and refuse all milkruns in support of pencil pushers everywhere. They also demanded an end to the rule that says all left-handed dock workers must be called Brian, and further insisted that the Fed Chronicle finally use a new joke.

No comment could be elicited from the Fed Meteorologist as the post has been vacant for over a decade due to the lack of weather in Fed.

No explanation has been ventured yet for the sudden appearance all over Fed DataSpace of crop circles in the shape of giant pencils.

FROM THE POSTBAG: SILENT TRAVEL

Many parents are driven insane by children constantly asking questions, most of them unanswerable. As a demi-goddess I am in a similar position, with supplicants bombarding me with questions about why things are the way they are in the universe that makes up Fed DataSpace.

I have tried foisting them off onto Bella. After all, she made the universe, she ought to be able to answer all these questions, but she just shrugs vaguely. So it is left to me to dig out the knowledge requested, and answer all the questions, no matter how trivial they are.

Take this letter that fetched up in the H-by-A office this week. "How," the supplicant wanted to know, "Can one travel without a comm unit?"

What a foolish question! The only person who would wonder about such a thing is obviously someone who habitually finds him, her or itself without a comm unit and without a ship at the same time, which strikes me as extreme carelessness.

Still, it's my duty to answer. So let's take a look at what happens when you travel:

Using your comm unit, you book your ticket, and pay the 10,000 IG fare. Hurrying to the spaceport you board a luxury liner, and are whisked off to your destination...

Of course, it uses the word "your" very loosely. If you have, for some reason, been deprived of your own personal comm unit then there are plenty of public comm facilities dotted around the Galaxy, so it's possible to book a ticket on a liner from just about anywhere.

No problem.

FROM THE POSTBAG: SILENT TRAVEL, PART II

Last week I answered one of the many trivial questions that get hurled my way by inquisitive players, by telling you that the reason you could call for a liner to transport you when you didn't have a comm unit, was that you could use a public comm facility.

The ink was hardly dry on that edition of the Fed Chronicle, when I was hailed by a familiar, whining voice. "Yes, but why..." it began. I groaned, and wondered whether I could pretend not to have heard. But a tugging at my sleeve prevented me from making a getaway, and a lingering sense of duty (not to mention a fear of someone with a paintbox wandering past) stopped me from pretending to be AFK.

I was forced to pay attention. "But why, if there are those public comm facilities, can we only use them for travelling?" asked that inquisitor.

"Because I said so," was the answer that immediately found its way to my demi-divine lips, but I didn't think that was quite appropriate under the circumstances. So I was forced to actually sit down and write out an explanation that even this idiot could understand.

And here it is.

The Galactic Administration works on the assumption that everybody has a comm unit of their own. If they don't have one, it must either be through carelessness - they lost it or broke it, in which case it's their responsibility to buy a new one - or misuse - they did something to get it taken away from them. It therefore sees no reason to allow people to use the public comm facilities to repeat whatever offence they committed which caused them to lose their own personal unit.

Those public comm machines are meant for emergencies only. They'll call you a cab, or they'll call the emergency services if they are needed, but that's all. They won't let ET phone home, or you TB your friends.


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