 80 GIG REWARD OFFERED FOR SAFE RETURN OF
NAUGA
Dr Fogg is rumored to be opening a
second office on the stony main street of Mars, a stone's
throw from Diesel's, the social center of the Universe.
His staff declined to comment on word of mouth reports
that he had found a cure for Mad Nauga disease, although,
the woman added silkily, the doctor would surely be happy
to discuss this with us in person.
Others were not so sure. A number
of bizarre mass hallucinations appear to have occurred
among the denizens of the upper social strata. Observers
wondered whether these might not be the unforeseen side
effect of the currently popular mayonnaise cure, although
Pianoamy, who first brought this ancient remedy to the
attention of a worried Fed community, staunchly defended
its virtues. 'Was it mayonnaise, or was it Miracle Whip?'
she asked. 'Miracle Whip doesn't work.' Our newsdroid was
uncertain, and said so. She nodded and declined further
comment.
'Just the word "whip"
lathers these people up into a frenzy,' Zargot agreed.
'There does appear to be some side effects. I heard
things I hesitate to repeat.' He stressed, however, that
the root cause of this madness is the apparently
deliberate infection of the Nauga herd with this deadly
disease.
As a reward for the safe return of
the Nauga, Zargot announced that he is now offering the
entire treasury of every planet in the Duchy, plus the
personal account of all Zarnians. All had, he said,
agreed without question to this sacrifice in the
interests of saving both the Nauga and the population of
Fed. This would amount to some 80 gigs.
Zargot started guiltily when
approached at the door to his private study. Duchy comms
were very quiet. Total silence reigned as he turned,
forcing a smile, and closed the door to the study firmly
behind him. He led our newsdroid firmly away from the
door, down a hallway lined on both sides with jars of
mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. When asked about small
noises coming from behind the door, Zargot smiled even
more falsely and said 'Why... whatever do you mean?'
Our newsdroid suddenly got a very
bad feeling and backed away, breaking into a run as he
got to the next room.
EIGHTY
GIGS UNCLAIMED AS CAPTIVES RELEASED
When our newsdroid reached our
offices last week, we thoroughly chastised it. Fled? Why
did we buy that titanium alloy casing, if this is the
best you can do? Fled? Shamefacedly it returned to Zar
and noted with relief that Zargot was not to be seen. As
it hesitated on the LP, Chevyfixr appeared, looking
rumpled.
Aha, it thought, alertly. An
interview. 'Please, Chevy,' it said, thrusting its
microphone appendage into his face in its best
interviewer manner. 'Tell our audience what is going on
here.'
Chevy nodded. 'I don't understand
it all myself,' he said. All I know is that I was told I
couldn't leave until I signed this paper.' Paper, the
droid repeated thoughtfully. 'Yes,' said Chevy, 'I had to
promise to put up four gigs before he would let me go.'
The droid wondered whether there wasn't some law against
holding hostages in Fed. Chevy shrugged. 'It wasn't bad,'
he said, 'just long. I read every book in that study -
and boy, does he ever have a lot of books in there - and
I even found that fine collection of vintage comics he
has stashed in the wall. I need a shower and a beer now
though, let me tell you.' The droid agreed that Chevy
appeared to need both.
A ship landed as Chevy left in
search of creature comforts. An adventurer emerged and
announced that he was looking for the Nauga. The droid
invited him to have at it, and crept carefully back down
the hall to the study. Krimhurg emerged as he reached it
and smiled at him. 'Aren't you the droid I licked last
week?' he inquired, smiling ironically. The droid
admitted that it was, adding that this seemed to happen a
lot in Zar. What is all this about hostages, it wondered.
'Oh,' said Krimhurg, 'that. It wouldn't have been bad if
it weren't for the singing. He would come in and sing to
us, off-key.'
The door is open, the droid noted.
Krimhurg shrugged. 'We signed.' Ah, said the droid, and
stuck his head through the door. Elin looked up from her
perusal of a rather fine manuscript. 'No,' she said, in
answer to the droid's inquiry, 'I don't think I have
anything to say. He is a good Duke when he takes his
medicines, why quarrel with him, when he doesn't?' The
droid thought that was her prerogative and noted that the
room was otherwise empty. Elin shrugged. 'They all had
stuff to do once they signed,' she said. 'Why on earth
would I want to leave a library?'
The adventurer arrived and wondered
if anyone had seen a Nauga. Nope, he was told, if you see
one, though, alert the media. Wait, thought the droid. I
am the media. He ran after the adventurer with his
microphone, and was last seen still pursuing him as the
adventurer worked his way though planets beginning with
the letters y and x.
REPEAT
AFTER ME…
by Elin
Fed is a game.
Fed is only a game. If this were
real life, you would not have a manual. Pshaw, said a
friend. People who say that Fed is only a game have
generally done something to upset someone. This is true.
It is also true that some players do seem to take this
game *way* too seriously.
Like mathematics, Fed seems to
offer a universe of clear-cut methodologies and simple
answers. The answer to the question is forty-two. If you
do this, that and the other, you *will* promote. Neglect
to buy insurance, and chances are that you will
eventually wind up repaying another loan. But as in
mathematics, the more you learn the deeper it gets.
I once took a relativity physics
class, for which I was woefully unprepared, since at that
time I had little exposure to even high school physics,
and no calculus at all. The theory of an event horizon as
a limit struck me with particular force, as the professor
showed a film in which a function resembling a sine curve
was followed through order of magnitude after order of
magnitude. Even if a segment of the curve small enough to
be straight was selected, when magnified the line showed
the characteristic curve, again and again. You could
never cross an event horizon because it never did end. It
just went *in*... I dreamed about this and woke up
talking about it for months.
And then I took calculus, and
learned that contrary to algebra, you sometimes *can*
divide by zero, or... almost. Depending on the order of
magnitude. Past a certain point Fed is no longer simple.
It is a game. You can always quit. By this definition
life too is a game however, because it is always possible
to quit. Fed is a game in the sense that there are
obstacles, artificial in nature, that are to be overcome,
in order to advance. It is not a game in this sense, for
what else is a diploma requirement but an artificial
obstacle, however justified it may be?
Once the stats are maxed and the
planet is built and the builds are done, there is
still... Fed. Very real needs are met and though it is
easy to mock others' difficulties in filling them in real
life, the fact remains that we aren't playing against the
computer, or even each other. It is too facile to say we
play against ourselves, since there is no winning,
exactly, only perseverance and survival, as in life. Only
the most two-dimensional characters reflect nothing of
the people that play them. Elin can be hot-headed in Fed;
the worst it will get her is double-dead. The player on
the other hand, thinks long and hard before telling her
boss to kiss off, although this has happened, both with
and without unwelcome consequences.
In many ways Fed allows us to be
what we wish we were, or possibly at our deepest levels
would like to allow ourselves to be. Is it only a game?
No, not if that means it doesn't matter what you do to
other people. They are not constructs. They aren't
cut-out bad guys, to be blown away without thought or
regret. Anything done to another player should be
measured against its consequences for the person behind
the keyboard. And if the conclusion reached is that the
snert must die to teach him some manners, why then... by
all means.
Have fun. In this, the most
important sense, Fed is a game.
HOW
MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER…
The worst fears of epidemiologists
were confirmed this week. Channel 9 this week began en
masse licking each other and streaking naked across Fed.
This followed the apparition in Fed of one Tboob, who set
out to educate Fedders in the ways of his beliefs. He was
not taken very seriously, and not all were happy with
this development:
Your comm unit relays a message
from Tboob, "Zargot! your pirate just SNOGGED
me"
Your comm unit relays a message from Zargot, "he
did .. i figured his standards were higher .. oh well
he must be drunk".
'I believe indiscriminate drunk
snogging is covered in chapter 6 of the Pirate's Manual',
noted a bystander.
'Encouraged even,' Zargot added.
'Right.....' said the bystander. 'I
think chapter 6 is completely comprised of the words 'Do
it often'.
'Everyone in favor of licking turn
to the right and lick the person next to you,' suggested
Zargot.
Your comm unit relays a message
from Roxxy, "::::blushes and licks
ZARGOT!:::::".
Your comm unit relays a message from Zargot,
"::gasps:: :)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Elena,
"Lick-a-thon on nine;)".
Tboob was not in favor. He roared
'There is too much licking in Zar!' to the considerable
merriment of spectators.
Your comm unit relays a message
from Elena, ":::streaks naked all across
Nine......:::".
Your comm unit relays a message from Roxxy,
"::::gets totally naked and runs to all the
landing pads:::::".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bartholomew,
"::takes off his pirate clothes and streaks
across 9 with his pistol flapping against his
leg::".
Your comm unit relays a message from Roxxy,
"Bart? May I hold your pistol?".
'There will be NO licking,'
insisted Tboob, 'I feel faint... all the licking and
flashing and....licking....'
'Well,' said Elena, 'you know what
they say... so many fools... so few comets;)'.
Roxxy agreed. 'Anyone named T-BOOB
must have a fetish he is hiding.'
Tboob was not amused. 'and so I go
now to a better place,' he said. 'The space ship is
waiting.'
INCREDULOUS
ZARNIANS SCOFF AT LIMIT ON LICKING
Enquiring minds at the Chronicle
wanted to know. Was there in fact too much licking in
Zar, and how much was too much? An enterprising newsdroid
spent an evening in Zar, flagging down imperials and
transporters.
Krimurg, when asked to comment,
simply smiled and licked our titanium alloy. No less than
three Zarnians informed us that there was no such thing
as too much licking. Bizcarp denied all allegations that
there is too much licking in Zar... and licked us to
prove it. Reduit thought there could not be too much
licking and invited us to lick to our heart's desire.
Bartholomew agreed, but declined further comment.
'No such thing,' Zargot said.
'Except,' he said, 'a lollipop found in your pocket after
its been licked a few times. Not the kind of warm fuzzies
you want.' Kao, Baroness of Babe, a renowned expert in
the field, confirmed the scientific validity of this
viewpoint. She too thought a moment however, then added
'However... if it's not hard it's not worth licking.'
'ROFL,' said USAF342, 'licking has
long been a duchy tradition in Zar. Outsiders fail to
understand its historical and often hysterical
background.' He added, 'If you come to Zar and find
yourself licked, it means you have been truly accepted.'
FATHERCHRISTMAS
LEARNS ABOUT CONSEQUENCES
by Fatherchristmas
I would hate to tell you where I
woke up. The little boys and girls of Fed do not need to
know. Suffice it to say that the missus very eloquently
did not approve at all when I called her to tell her that
Rudolph and the sleigh were both missing. No, she would
not come get me. And I best find that sleigh before
Christmas if I knew what was good for me. I broadcast an
appeal for help, and someone said he was on the planet
Rushed. However, all I found when I got there was another
reindeer looking for Rudolph.
Htwoo's mouth drops to the
ground
Fatherchristmas smiles
'oh my.....', says Htwoo.
Htwoo says, 'oh my gosh....'
'Have you seen Rudolph?', I asked.
I was told Rudolphy had just left. 'But he is purple,
Fatherchristmas', said Htwoo. 'Purple?', I asked. Htwoo
wiped a tear from her eyes and nodded her head yes. The
reindeer walked over and tried to comfort Htwoo by
nuzzling her. 'Why would he be purple?' I asked, the
headache returning. 'He is an imposter', said the
reindeer. 'Does this have something to do with last
night?' I asked. The reindeer perked up, listening for a
clue. 'What happened last night?', he asked. 'Last
night?', asked Htwoo. 'I don't remember much...', I said,
'I wanted to discuss it with Rudolph. He was supposed to
guide my sleigh last night.' 'Well, I am going to go keep
looking', said the reindeer. 'Tell Rudolph I am looking
for him!', I said.
'Anyone seen Rudolph?' I asked the
world at large. 'Just look for a red light,' someone
said. But he was having trouble with that last night, I
protested, said something about defective instructions...
or were they just in Korean? 'I am sorry, said the
reindeer. 'The accident seems to have affected my memory.
I am going to go lie down.' Oh no. 'Accident?' I asked
with a sinking feeling, 'my sleigh was in an accident?' I
went through my pockets and discovered a notice of
impound. 'Ho ho ho... nobody has seen Rudolph? I asked
again.
Your comm unit relays a message
from Raphael, 'Rudolph got relegated to port side
running light and is in a huff about it'.
'HE is in a huff!' I exclaimed, 'He
was supposed to guide my sleigh last night! Now I cant
even find it... ho ho ho...'
Your comm unit relays a message
from Raphael, 'its those new fangled regulations ya
have to follow, all those new deer running lights
:)'.
'Hmmm...' said a bystander.
'Doesn't sound kosher to me.' 'AH HAH,' said Raphael.
'Out joy riding eh?' I attempted to explain. 'You can't
get decent help these days,' I said. 'I know how it is,
said the bystander. 'Too much tequila and I can't find my
car either.' Ok, I admit I got a little defensive. 'Sure
I was joy riding,' I said, 'A man has to take a break
sometimes. 'Hmmm....' said the bystander. 'It sounds a
little paranoid to me FC.' He sure liked to say hmmm. I
attempted to reason with him, asking if he saw Rudolph
anywhere. 'They moved my sleigh, I tell ya', I exclaimed.
'And who would "they' be?" he asked, in his
best clinical voice. 'Sounds like a conspiracy to me,' he
said ironically. 'Well, I do have this notice of
impound', I said, 'but that doesn't tell me what happened
to Rudolph. He was supposed to be the designated driver.'
He scoffed. 'I'm supposed to believe that someone with a
nose that red isn't going to have a drink?' I looked at
him sadly. 'Well,' I said, 'hindsight is 20-20 isn't it?'
'Speaking of which, I said. 'Which
way is the bar, ho ho ho?' He bought me an eggnog and I
sipped it, considering my options. He thought, and made a
suggestion. 'Leave him alone and he'll come home?', I
asked. 'After he sleeps it off.', he nodded. 'Seems kind
of an iffy thing to base Christmas on,' I sighed. 'Well,
it worked for Bo peep', he pointed out.
MAKING
A LIST AND CHECKING IT TWICE
by Father Christmas
Well, Rudolph or no Rudolph,
putting Christmas together is a lot of work, and I had a
list to make, and another list to check twice, and I
worked on that as I wandered through Fed looking for my
errant reindeer. Some thought I was being sarcastic. A
Captain wanted to know if he knew me. 'Ho ho ho,' I
answered, 'does that ring a bell?' One Baroness told me
"git lost" when I asked if she had been good.
Someone wanted to know whether the times he hadn't gotten
caught would count. 'Who me,' grinned a Trader, 'but of
course,'
'You betcha....' said Pan, 'No
moiders this year… no broken windows... and I've
gradumacated Rehab 4 times.' 'Nay lad...I'm the scourge
of the space lanes,' said a pirate. 'I have been a good
girl, promise,' said Marthel. 'If'n ya gonna quote me...
I been good', smiled Fro. Another person averred that he
was always good. 'Check your list,' suggested a
Baron. Informed that the list had a question mark next to
his name, he fell uneasily silent. A Baroness who claimed
to have been very naughty nonetheless requested that I
note her "aversion to coal lumps and high
susceptibility to the power of diamonds." Remarkably
few people requested presents, although one planet owner
requested that I fix his exchange.
Your comm unit signals a tight
beam message from Saintgrizz, 'It's stealing money
from me, I had to pull a gig out to keep it ALL from
dissapearing.'
>tb saintgrizz ok... one lump of coal for your
exchange :)
Miasma had other ideas. 'I
waaaaant... Tbar's password list!' he exclaimed, 'and you
can quote me on that!' A Baroness requested a man in her
stocking. 'I'd really like there to all of a sudden be a
switch that we could turn the media off,' said Pan, 'and
hopefully find ourselves out there doing far better than
we ever imagined' The Vile One had no comment, not even
to say that he had no comment. And someone named Santa
wanted to know if I had been good myself. I told him that
I couldn't find Rudolph. 'Again?' he said, and sighed. 'I
suppose I'll just have to lock him up next year.'
I was shocked to find my daughter
Macie in the cantina. 'And dressed like this!' I
exclaimed. 'Having a drink sheesh' she said and hiccuped.
She told me to get back to Christmas and not to wait up
for her. 'Ready to give up, tuck your reins between your
legs and fly your big sleigh up north?' enquired an
onlooker maliciously. I glared at Tschu, who seemed
suspiciously silent. 'You ain't my daddy...so go on' he
said, 'no interest Daddy North Pole,'
Kahlan looked me over, grinned, and
examined the gifts, reading the tags. 'Where's mine?' she
demanded. 'Now... is that the proper Christmas spirit?',
I asked. She found a lump of coal and grew pale. 'Uh oh,'
she said, and I smiled ironically. Mebster sat on my lap.
'Have you been good, Mebster?' I asked. 'You haven't?'
Mebster says, 'err.. yes.'
'Now if i could just find
Rudloph...' I said, 'These deliveries on foot are a pain.
I dunno how mailmen do it.' A strange look came across
Mebster's face. 'Oh oh... Was he the deer with the red
bow on its horns?', he asked. 'Yes?' I said hesitantly.
It had already been a bad week. He showed me a taco. 'I
-hope- you are joking,' I said. Kahlan blinked. I gave
Mebster a look. Kahlan said nothing but consulted an
attorney.
'Oopps.. I'm afraid that's not
Rudolph', says Mebster.
Mebster says, 'It's Prancer'
A
CHRISTMAS TALE
by Inspector
It was just another night in the
big city. There I was, keeping the cantina safe from
crime and thinking inspector thoughts, when he
came in. Of all the gin joints in all the world, he had
to walk into mine.
Looking for Santa, Rudolph has
just arrived.
Rudolph inspects the inspector. Looks him up and
down. Nope not Santaclaus.
Rudolph is looking at you...
Rudolph asks, 'have you seen Santa?'
Rudolph pokes the inspector with his nose.
'don't make me use my antlers!', exclaims Rudolph.
Rudolph sighs
The people they have running stuff
these days. 'You two been out on the town again?'
I wondered how many years this has been going on. 'Yep,
he is in Fed somewhere. I lost him!'. I could just
imagine what Mrs. Claus will have to say about this. You
should have heard the woman when this happened last year.
Not that I blamed the poor woman....
'Where was the last place you
remember seeing him?' I asked impatiently. Can't
mollycoddle a drunk. 'You two gotta find a good 12-step
program or somethin, geesh,' I added sternly. Rudolph
hung his head as I admonished him to think of all those
little kids. 'Am trying to reform, honest!' he exclaimed.
'That's what they all say', I scoffed. Rudolph blinked
his nose at me and said he had to go back to the stables.
But ... what about Santa, I protested. 'Find him!',
exclaimed Rudolph. Easy for him to say. 'I got the sleigh
stashed away but have not been able to find Santa or the
other reindeer!', he exclaimed. 'But you're the one that
was supposed to get him home, yanno?' I chided. 'Don't
tell anyone I am responsible!' he begged.
I shook my head. 'This is the thing
with the nose they neglected to explain to you.' I
mourned. Rudolph nodded. 'You are supposed to guide the
sleigh,' I explained sadly, 'and return with all hands!'
'But I cant find the other reindeer! Oh, there is
Lildancer!', exclaims Rudolph. 'Well go see if she has
seen Santa,' I said in exasperation, 'Sheesh.'
Looking for Santa, Rudolph has just
disappeared.
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