COMIN'
DOWN THE ALTAR
AndyKaufmn's CommentaryFed weddings, controversy for some, blessing
for others. Sometimes it is a simple question after a
week or two of going out. Other times, just a few months.
But either way, are weddings a real answer to love in
Fed? And what exactly IS Fed love? A simple "kiss
Crystal" and love sprouts? Hardly, but if you spend
time with your new girl/boyfriend, and have things in
common, or that other stuff that starts relationships is
still around after a matter of months, maybe it is time
to tie the knot and step on the glass and have a 3 day
party and have a 14 person orgy, and all the other stuff
that I've seen at Fed weddings.
Objectionable is the fact that
anyone can perform a wedding, if there was a Pope in Fed,
I'm positive he would object, but since he's not, I
myself have performed about six or seven. One was
actually to my own parents. But the problem at hand is to
find a priest for my own wedding.
This is not an ad, nor a plea, but
it is hard to find a good deacon around here. I take this
time to salute Insanealex, the Artful Dodger, the man
without a plan, who has about 100,000 rings in his pocket
for engagements, and surprisingly, has been hitched for 6
days now! Give him a big hand.
AMARUSHAYA'S
PIECE OF HEAVEN
Santa pulled a surprise visit in
Sol Wednesday night as everyone was getting settled in
for another cozy evening in his/her favorite bar. With a
jolly 'ho ho ho' on the Sol comms, he caught everyone's
attention including some boys whose names were promptly
added to the "naughty" list.
When asking what everyone wanted
for Christmas this year, Amarushaya perked right up and
asked for a 2gig bra, swearing she's been a good angel
this year and deserved it. Uniquette added her 2 groats
worth, saying she just wanted the 2gigs and Santa could
keep her bra.
Bringing this request to the
public's attention, Santa and Silverfox couldn't resist
asking Amarushaya just what a 2gig bra would hold.
Amarushaya just gave everyone a devilish grin and replied
with her angelic voice, 'Just a little piece of heaven'.
QUIET
KILLS ANTS
It was recently reported to
official news headquarters (location unknown due to
various bomb threats and other nasty communications) that
at times people are dropping pins to hear them drop, and
killing ants! A spokesperson from The Society for the
Prevention of Ant Trampling was interviewed regarding the
phenomena...
"We aren't sure how
widespread the ant deaths are at this time, but
investigation is ongoing. Please tell your readers
they can help by not letting the quiet take over a
channel or a room. The dropping of pins is quickly
becoming the largest source of ant deaths in the
known universe!"
In a related story, it was reported
by Tschu that it was so quiet he could actually hear the
sound of Aravis aging!
Further developments will be
reported as they unfold...
WEDDING
BELLS FOR POCO - TAKE 502 (we think)
As everyone was quieting down for
the night, Poco sweetly arrived to say hello to all in
the universe. Deciding it has been too long since Fed has
seen a sweet weasel wedding, she accepted Pilgrim's plea
of marriage to her…
The newsbot assigned to this story
had a malfunction at this point. It took hours to clean
up the syrupy substance that oozed from its circuits.
Although we have no proof, we do believe one of
Poco’s underlings sabotaged it to make Poco seem
innocent of this whole situation. The truth of how the
night went? Although no one knows for sure, we do have a
few ideas…
Duchess Poco burst on to scene,
bored once again with the daily running of the duchy
Weasel. After visiting at least one of the many bars
located on Weasel, she wanted some attention. Pilgrim,
the innocent Squire happened to come in at this time and
was completely caught off guard as Poco focused her
attentions on him.
With a snap of her fingers the
marriage council arrived and before poor Pilgrim had any
idea what was happening, he found himself added to the
list of many playthings for his Duchess. Poco spread her
insanity across channel 9 and as people got up the
courage to question her actions, she snapped her fingers
again and added their name to the marriage records also,
since it's legal to marry as many as you want at one time
in Weasel. Once she had added everyone she could find to
the records she still wasn’t satisfied, so she
returned to her ex-husband, Bob, and married him again
for the numerous time. We’ve been told by sources
close to the Duchess that she always returns to Bob, the
fountain in CDs, because he is the only one who can
satisfy her thirst.
When Peggysus, one of the brides,
stepped out of the honeymoon suite this morning, she was
confronted by newsbots from all over Fed DataSpace,
throwing questions and comments at her about this
scandalous situation with Poco and the horrendous effect
it will have on the duchy and universe. Her
response…
Your comm unit relays a message
from Peggysus, "I know ... <eg> And now I am
part of one! Happy happy joy joy!".
GALAXY
GALLEY
By Greta Gagdroid
Hello all you master chefs of the
universe. Today we shall prepare a special meal with the
earthling's holiday of Christmas in mind. I promise this
feast will help keep you calm and relaxed, even with the
hardest to please friends and relatives.
So on with Holiday Marsrat with
Zlitherworm and Marillion Bread Stuffing.
Ingredients:
Marillion Bread (recipe
follows)
8 ounce Zlitherworm meat - ground
1 cup chopped onion
1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper
1/2 cup chopped celery
2 eggs, beaten
1 teaspoon dried crushed spice (picked up at your
local agri planet)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup marsrat broth or stock
1 (12- to 14-pound) marsrat, thawed if frozen.
1 bottle, slightly chilled white wine
Before you start with today's meal,
pour yourself a glass of the wine and drink it to make
sure that it is chilled. If not, place the bottle back
into the icebox, but feel free to finish the glass.
Marillion Bread: Preheat
oven to 400 F. Combine 1 1/2 cups yellow cornmeal, 1/2
cup all-purpose flour, 2 tablespoons sugar, 4 teaspoons
baking powder and 1/2 teaspoon salt in medium bowl. Stir
in 1 cup milk, 1 beaten egg, 1/3 cup vegetable oil and 2
teaspoons finely chopped marillion until just blended. Do
not over mix. Pour into a greased 9-inch square
baking pan. Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until wood pick
inserted near center comes out clean.
While you're waiting for the
Marillion Bread to bake, test the wine once again to make
sure it's the precise temperature. If it is cool to the
taste, leave the bottle on the counter as you prepare the
marsrat, because we don't want it overly chilled. Please
finish the glass though, since we shouldn't waste.
Once the Marillion Bread is
finished, reduce the oven temperature to 325 F. To make
the stuffing, cook the Zlitherworm, onion, bell pepper
and celery in large skillet until worm is browned and
vegetables are tender. Drain thoroughly. Add crumbled
Marillion Bread; toss to mix. Add enough broth to
moisten; toss well.
This might be a good time to check
the wine again. If you left it on the counter, like I
suggested, it should be close at hand and easy to pour
yourself a glass. If it's still chilled fine, leave the
bottle sitting, if it's warmed at all, please place it
back in the icebox to chill.
To prepare the marsrat, remove the
head, tail and legs. Skin it gently to remove the fur
without removing the meat. Slice down the center of its
back, removing the backbone and cleaning out the cavity.
Rinse marsrat; drain well. Prepare marsrat for roasting;
stuff body cavity lightly with stuffing. Roast 30 minutes
per pound of marsrat. Remember to test the wine every 30
minutes or so to keep it at just the right temperature.
By the time your dinner guests
arrive your place should be filled with the sweet aroma
of the marsrat, the bottle should be emptied, and you'll
be so relaxed you'll be ready for anything!
Until next time… Happy
Cooking!
SHAKE
IT GALIN!
By Andy
I think the worlds would be better
places if all DataHosts, Navs, and Senators walked around
nude. I mean, look at this scenario:
Galinfenner has just arrived.
Ex Galinfenner
Galin has a dominating nude body, and his endowment makes
you red
with envy! Even if you are female!!
Wouldn't that show ultimate power?
The power to distort the minds of all, and if they don't
like your nakedness, just silence them! Bella would look
totally ravishing in a see-through gown, and for Barb,
one leather strap, about 1/2 inch thick. See, nudity is
not a state of mind, its a life of total freedom, you are
naked when you are born, when you shower, and when you
sleep. In fact, underneath your clothes you are naked all
the time. So why not be truly naked all day long? And why
not show it to everyone who can't do a darn thing about
it?
Hosts be nude!
CHRISTMAS
HOPE FOR SNERTS
For snerts this year,
I will write to St. Nick
And hope their requests
Will not make him sick!
I've looked and I've searched
All of Fed DataSpace
But most of the snerts
Were just in one place...
The place, you ask?
Well it's so good and clear!
The Cantina! No snerts?
You're lying, my dear!
So I asked everyone of them,
The big ones and small.
These were the requests
I got from them all:
A gig-a-groat; some snogs from
People who usually just slap back;
A pretty new space ship that
With hull and TLs does not lack;
A cool new comm unit to replace
The one a host took away,
With the Sol comm channel beamed right in
So it's MUCH more fun to play!;
A new factory or two on Scream,
Arts would be the best;
And a brand new hauling ship to steal
The jobs intended for the rest;
A planet is nice, they added
Politely with a please;
And hopefully, last but not least...
There'll be no more DDs!!
Hey... what do you guys think?
Santa is insane?
He might be old,
Or walk with a cane!
But he'll try and try as
Hard as I would
But... what do you snerts think...
YOU'VE BEEN GOOD????
P.S. They asked for a fac, a
planet, a gig
And even a ship or two...
But what I added on their lists....
is a trip straight to the LOO!
THE
FED-NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
By Jedixwing
'Twas the Fed-night before
Christmas, and all throughout Fed
Not a PO was hauling, not even in Qued...
With Merchants in their warehouses and the bay doors shut
tight,
We had all settled down for a profitable night...
When up on the LP there rose such a
clatter,
Even the Dukes all came out to see what was the matter...
When what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But Galin and Fireimp, and 10 cases of beer...
"On Crypto, on Icedrake, on
Barb if you pleases!"
"Get this sleigh to CDs before the beer
freezes!!!"
For it seemed that IBfolks, let off for the holidays,
Had mustered a party with Bella and Hazed...
It seemed kinda strange, seeing
hosts pull a sleigh,
But there may have been enough teleporter incidents that
day...
So all of us traveled to CDs on that night,
Just hoping that snertboys would not start a fight...
We came into CDs from the cold
wintery night,
From the steps we could see a warm, friendly light...
A feast was laid out, for all to enjoy,
As Bella gave each of us a Fed-made treat and toy...
Fire engines from Backdraft with
red lights a burning,
Dump trucks from Oilslick with big wheels a turning...
Watches from Tick with Numbers all around,
And eskimo pies from Smok’s Alaska could be found...
Candy canes from Taos,
Monopoly’s famed board games...
Even little choo choos
From the fine folks on Trains...
Footballs from Stadium,
And fishing poles from Trout,
Stuffed beavers made on Rivverrun,
What great toys Bella brought out!
Lightsabers made on Alderaan,
And Death Star toys from Zoomie,
And spooky stuff from Haunt was fun,
But just a little gloomy...
And last but not least from his bag
of fun,
Was a tiny Onyx candle which he lit for everyone...
"In spirit of profit, friendship and love,
We dedicate this holiday to the one who smiles
above"...
And when his words of wisdom filled
the hall for all to hear,
It reminded us what Christmas time should mean to us this
year...
Old Santa Claus will come for sure, rest assured of this,
But the miracle of Bethlehem should top your Christmas
list...
So I send to you my family's wish
For healthy happy love,
May the season greet you warmly
And your thoughts be to him above...
UNI'S
NEW OUTFIT
Uniquette, Federation DataSpace
Hostess, was seen Friday wearing nothing but a big
fuzzy... bathroom? Yes, a bathroom! She had been wearing
this for a while, but no one had noticed. Reportedly she
had a hard time getting into it (and you thought your
leather pants were a close fit). When everyone saw, they
all wanted to flush her. Even Santa wanted to bring her a
scrubber brush. After she noticed, she screamed something
about always having to watch designers close and rushed
off to change.
This is why this reporter ALWAYS
checks her clothes first. What's next? Galinfenner in a
bedroom and Fireimp in a kitchen? Some people have weird
taste in clothing. I, on the other hand, wear none so I
cannot have that problem.
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