DENALAIA’S
FASHION FORUM Hello all you fashion-sensible Fedders! It's
been busy since we last talked. I have noticed one
disturbing fashion change already in web fed. This change
is known as ANIMALATION!
Animalation is, basically, the act
of wearing live animals for long periods of time. In the
Fed Universe, clothes do wear out, even if they are
expensive Grizzle coats or Marsrat boots. Besides
creating wear and tear on the animals themselves, the
wearer in question faces serious harm if one of their
items of clothing decides to wake up. According to the
Mars-Asteroid Weekly, 20% of those who wear live animals
have wound up in the Earth Hospital with cuts, bruises,
scratches and rashes. Several people have already DDed
from this trend. However, half of those injured said that
they would try animalation again. Perhaps it was the
nerve gas container that we found had been left open.
Be Warned: Animalation could result
in higher insurance premiums and costly hospital visits!
OVERPOWERING
PLANET OWNERS BEWARE
AndyKaufmn's commentary
Planet Owners, from day 1 of
"online", feel that they are so much better
than anyone else. Sometimes it's not
unwarranted. They provide all the IGs for the
captains and adventurers, and the trading for those...
whatever they are. And who could forget the 50 merchants
on channel 5. Some POs are so cruel or just obnoxious
that they give a bad name to other people. I will
give an example. What you are about to hear is a true
story. The names have been changed to protect the
accused.
‘This is Federation, I live
here. I was on my way to find a Planet Owner who
would accommodate my factories. I went to a
Technocrat named... um... Scraperlittle, who told me to
try channel 9, so I did. I asked politely, and the
POs all yelled and laughed! They said I was too
nice, or too mean to them. What do I have to do in
this place to make a living? I am so poor now I had
to sell my liver to Earth's hospital. I can get
around with one.’
I know of some generous POs as
well. One particular one is Gaminglady, who allowed many
factories on her planet. The message I'm trying to
get across is that POs need to remember they were once
pieces of garbage in the gutter. Just look at lower
ranks as your children, and you are trying to help them
get to where you are now, and out of where you used to
be. Whenever an oppressed merchant cries out for
justice, I will be there. Whenever a Captain shouts
into the night for a job, I'll be there. And when an
adventurer slumps to the floor in depression looking for
the Grand Master, well, I will offer condolence through
TBs for them.
SURPRISE
VISIT
His Imperial Majesty Emperor Ming
was spotted in Fedrucker's recently looking for someone
to favor with the honor of being the first to be flogged
with his new flogging device. With flogging entourage in
tow, the Emperor gazed down the royal hooter at the
assembled crowd. Deciding it was best to try out the new
system on the highest intelligence he could find, Ming
nodded in the direction of the demi-goddess Hazed, who
was promptly dragged before His Majesty and flogged
within an inch of her life. Whimpering in pain, Hazed
promptly found some food, regained her stamina and asked
for more!
GALAXY
GALLEY
by Greta Gagdroid
It has come to my attention lately
that many planet owners are not just reassigning
workthingies to permanent government positions when doing
a build. Many POs actually say that they kill them... or
even EAT them!
While I am not one to judge eating
habits (after all, I do enjoy an occasional peanut butter
and mayonnaise sandwich), I can offer a new way to enjoy
your tasty ex-workthingies.
EZ CHEEZY WORKTHINGIE FONDUE
Who wants to party? If you're going
for the Tungsten Tourist Trap Trophy, this is an awesome
offering to the Fedders staying put on your soil. This
dish is perfect for the planet with many agricultural
commodities, so you new POs can try this recipe on your
very next build. Although I can't say workthingies taste
better than marsrats, I can say that this is a very good
way to make them go down the gullet.
Now how to snag those workthingies,
you say? Well, first of all... act casual! I've witnessed
countless episodes where the planet owner tells his or
her workthingies the horrible truth and botched the whole
deal. Just give your workthingies the usual speech about
how they'll make a ton of groats working in their new
"government job," and they'll come running
through the gates.
If you don't have your planet
owners permit yet, don't worry. Just trim down the
amounts to what is suitable to your needs and buy either
bread or some other kind of meat from your local
agricultural planet. And factory owners really shouldn't
kill off the workthingies working in their factories. You
may unintentionally anger the PO who wanted to feast on
his or her own little delicacies.
You'll need:
2 tons margarine
2 tons flour
500 gallons milk
10 tons grated yellow cheese
1 ton mustard (I prefer some type of Dijon)
135 workthingies (average build size)
Step 1: In your industrial
sized vats (what, you don't have more than 1?), melt
margarine and stir in flour until well mixed and smooth.
Step 2: Slowly add in milk.
Stir and heat until thickens. Add mustard and cheese,
stirring until melted.
Step 3: Dip either chunks or
whole workthingies into the cheese sauce using some kind
of large fork. Don't choke!
Thanks for tuning in Galaxy Galley!
Next time we'll look at punches and party dips... and
then we'll try another recipe too!
DROID
RECALL
Brought to our attention
by Simy
The Bureau of Robot Engineering
Safety and Technology (BREST) announced this week that
all droids produced with a stardate of 209674:000 through
209674:999, at Ming's factory P7854-90T34, are being
recalled due to manufacturing variances. Sources from the
factory told this reporter that a party had been held
hours before the time in question, and that several
overseers had failed to show up, thus letting the
workthingies do as they wished. Several of the droids in
question are rumored to have been sent to the royal
palace itself! Not much is known as to what sort of
variances were produced in the questionable droids, but a
servant in the palace claims that one of His
Majesty's personal robots simply walked off into the
woods carrying a picnic basket and exclaiming "Yogi!
Yogi where are you?".
Another droid sent to the PO of
Simy apparently developed a certain fetish for the local
population and was seen grabbing unsuspecting passersbys
and pulling them into darkened doorways, where they would
appear moments later dazed, and confused (reportedly
smiling however). When asked about the wayward droids and
the recall, Simy told this reporter, "Nothing to
worry about, I'm not going to have them sent back, too
expensive to ship the darn things. I'll just have my
workthingies work on them."
In a possibly related story, it was
just reported that Simy, Squire of Sim, was admitted to
Sim General Healing and Body Shop for abrasions and
contusions received from one of his workthingies.
Apparently, said workthingie caught his wife following
one of the non-standard droids.
BORED
PO TRICKS JP
Journeyman Krose was stunned
recently when he discovered that the person doing his
hauling for him was a Squire. Apparently the busy JP at
first missed a TB from the Squire telling Krose that he'd
haul for him. After being contacted, Krose handed out
contracts one after the other, noticing that this hauler
must be a trader as fast as he was going. Afterwards,
Krose wanted to give the good hauler a bonus and
spynetted him, discovering him to be a PO. When
Krose tried giving the PO a bonus, the Squire laughed and
gave Krose 15 meg for being so entertaining.
TUNE 9
Andy's commentary
--*Your comm unit explodes in a
static shock of vulgarity and pointless bullhock*--
Has anyone noticed the total
decline in culture and high standard of channel 9? There
was once a time when I could tune nine, relax, and watch
the conversation between POs about their lives, or their
views on life, politics, bra sizes, et cetera. It’s
a new generation.
Many people who were once those
friendly captains in the Cantina are now higher ranks,
and they also notice how the Cantina is evolving to a
state of dull jabberwocky. It's the gradual extinction of
cultural conversation! If you watch one of those
sci-fed movies on the Moon, ever notice how there is a
smart brainchild? It’s proven that the older
the human race gets, the stupider they become.
Rome, Greece, or any other of those
civilizations. They had the smartest men and women
on the planet. Not any more. Here's my idea for
the week. Send all the stupid people to Selena,
outside the airlock, with denim tents and see how long
they can hold out.
And that’s my two groats.
DUKE
GETS WRONG IMPRESSION
Duke Tbar was heard recently to
proudly proclaim that he was one of Hazed's darlings and
was contemplating surgery to give himself dimples in
honor of our Demi-goddess. Few Fedders had the heart to
tell the Duke that Hazed always leaves the universe that
way. He wandered his way around Fed for days with a smile
on his face living in some special happy place due to the
pronouncement from the Demi-Goddess.
Finally, one captain happened to
stop by Neverland to grab a quick pizza and noticed Tbar
was discussing being one of the Demi-Goddess's darlings.
The captain went over to the duke and hugged him, saying
‘Isn't she great? Every time she leaves she always
says good-bye to Fed, her darlings.’ Tbar looked at
the captain quizzically, and asked, ‘You mean those
selected few who she deems worthy of being a
darling?’ ‘No, she says that to everyone who's
tuned to channel 1 every day!’ stated the captain.
Tbar has not been sighted since,
sources close to the duke say he's holed up in his palace
with a freezer full of peach ice cream to console
himself.
BELLA
SUED BY INJURED FEDDER
There was dismay on Bella's home
world of Rigel yesterday as a young Fedder gave a press
conference speaking out about the criminal negligence of
Our Illustrious Leader, Bella.
"It was awful," sobbed
Belleinva, an innocent Baroness who found her life
changed by her encounter with the green-skinned creator
of the Fed universe. "I mean, I was expecting it to
happen, but I never thought it would hurt, or that I
would become ill afterwards!"
Belleinva was overcome by the
strain of her shocking experience at this point, so it
was left to her lawyer to read out the following letter
which he had prepared on her behalf and was intending to
send to Bella:
"Upon signing on early
this morning, I was presented with a medal for
playing 1000 games. In Bella's clumsiness, he
accidentally stuck me while trying to pin it on, and
it seems I have developed a nasty case of tetanus.
Please be advised that the doctor is treating me, and
unfortunately for you, it does not appear to be
fatal. I have enclosed a copy of his bill, which you
should pay promptly to avoid a lengthy court
drama."
This shocking case calls into
question the whole procedure of medal awarding by aliens
who may be harboring all manner of infectious diseases.
Bella refused to comment on the
allegations that she had damaged one of her players.
Surely something needs to be done
to protect the people from such dangers.
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