LAW SUIT HALTS FINAL SHOW OF MARTIAN FASHION WEEK
Martian Fashion Week ended in chaos as the final show of the event was brought to an abrupt close by the arrival of lawyers bearing writs.
Traditionally, the last display of the week - and the most high-profile - is given to a young, up-and-coming designer who the organisers think shows the most potential. This year, that accolade went to Pill Pyramoid, whose daring collection of clothes made from alien animal skins has taken the fashion world by storm.
The exhibition was about half way through, with models wearing clothes made from Marillion wings sashaying down the catwalk, when suddenly the arena was invaded by an army of grey-suited lawyers, who insisted that the show was stopped so they could serve writs on Pill and on the models.
The writs were issued on behalf of an inhabitant of Sigma 7, who claims that some of the models were wearing his grandfather.
Pill Pyramoid denies the charge, stating that only non-sentient species were used in the making of her clothes. She admitted to visiting Sigma 7 and obtaining animal hides from that planet, but was adamant that the hides did not belong to intelligent aliens, but to the planet's equivalent of cattle. She also stated that she was outraged at the lawyers' claims, and would be counter-suing for defamation of character.
Although this legal interruption marred the close of what had been a spectacular week of fashion, it was not bad news for everybody. Venerable couturier Ophelia Christopan was inspired by the uniform drabness of the lawyers' clothing, and has already started work on a new collection based around the concept of the grey suit.
DEAR BUBBA: WHY DO WE PAY TAX?
(Advice For The Lovelorn And Other Sage Bits Of Wisdom)
By Bubba Beeblebrox
Dear Bubba,
I love the fact that Fed is being remade, and Fed II is already fun, but what I don't understand is why do we have to pay taxes?
Signed,
Disgruntled Tax-Payer
Dear Disgruntled,
Why, you pay taxes to help support the debaucheries of the members of the Galactic Administration, of course! How else do you suppose they can afford all the secret prison planets, research into new and devious forms of torture, etc? Rest assured, your taxes are working to your benefit... or... well... SOMEONE'S benefit...
Love,
Bubba
Dear Bubba,
I have been playing Fed a very long time now, and all I want is to meet a nice, devoted, loving girl, that will never fool around on me, and who would overlook my shortcomings.
Signed,
LoveStarved
Dear LoveStarved,
Me, too!
Love,
Bubba
THE BUZZ: AWARD SEASON
Mystery NewsDroid
It's award season in the multiverse! Yes it's true, the multiverse may not have its Oscars but it does have its Selenas. Now for your winners!
Best Reason to Ban someone from your duchy goes to Mashimaro!
Your comm unit signals a tight beam message from Mashimaro, "Picillo, hey howdy ho good neighbor, your banned from Anime. Well simply because I can do that and your name has 2 consecutive l's in it, and that makes me uneasy..."
Best Fake DeadDead goes to Greyspacewolf!
Greyspacewolf hands Sallyanne the keys to Wolfy
With a sudden resolve Greyspacewolf pulls out an old Arix army knife and with a sudden slash cuts open his wrists. You watch with morbid fascination as the blood drains out of his body...
A medical droid - complete with flashing lights and wailing siren - appears with a shimmer of teleportation effect. It scoops up what remains of Greyspacewolf and vanishes.
SPYNET REPORT: Duke Greyspacewolf has left Federation DataSpace.
Best Brat of Dataspace goes to Xyli!!
Was there anyone else in the running? We thought not!!
Best Use of the Spybeam goes to CEN!
Your comm unit signals a tight beam message from Cen, "I'd just like to say that you are the best spyee ever :P."
Best at being Spied goes to Anyone and Everyone Talking to Mashimaro!
Xyli, Mav, or any other less than Duke/esse that is talking to Mashimaro is fair game.
Coolest Duchess in Fed goes to Sistertwo!
Who else avoids the politics of the game and just genuinely likes people for who they are and not for other peoples opinions?
Best Smartest Guy Who Should Retire His Fighter goes to Fancy!
Come on Fancy! Don't kill yourself. We need your brain for the scientists! Remember your vow of never fighting? Don't break it man... give it up.
Best Mate to Beat Their FedMate in a competition goes to Antonia!
Fancy, you were beat by your wife! Go back to cerebral league where you're the champion.
Best Use of Power goes to HeatherJN!
The Wolfpack must be flea free by now. Beware Wolfyn, word is she's going after you next.
Best DemiGodess goes to Hazed!
DUH!
~*~
Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching, and will NOT be censored!
SHOCKED THARGIANS PROTEST AFTER INDECENT DISPLAY
An angry mob of Thargians today descended on the regional HQ of the massive broadcasting company, the Galactic Holovision Company (GalHoloCo), to protest about indecency.
Their outrage centres around the half-time show at the Galactic Intersteller All-Species Championship Zoomball game last week, the highlight of the sporting year on the planet Tharg. Jag Zillar and Zee-zag Mustiq performed a raunchy dance routine to their hit, "I Wanna Estivate With You Baby", which culminated in Jag pulling off Zee-zag's silk glove. This revealed its ritual third tentacle, which is normally kept hidden away except in the most intimate circumstances. The indecency was heightened by the mating sucker being clearly visible, pulsating and glowing green.
This unprecedented display of a forbidden body part sent the millions of Thargians viewing the event into shock, and prompted widespread condemnation of the performers and the Holo company. GalHoloCo issued an immediate statement that they had no idea what the duo had planned, it certainly hadn't happened at the rehearsal. A spokesman pledged to introduce a time delay in similar live performances in future, to ensure that viewers were protected from such unseemly and shocking sights.
A contrite Jag and Zee-zag announced that the whole thing had been a massive mistake, and they had not intended to offend anybody - they had intended to remove only the outer glove, but unfortunately the lining came away by accident. They have now gone into seclusion and are expected to remain out of the public eye until the furore has died down, at which point they will sell their account of how this terrible event happened to the highest bidder.
DEAR BUBBA: TALKING TO STRANGERS
(Advice For The Lovelorn And Other Sage Bits Of Wisdom)
By Bubba Beeblebrox
Dear Bubba,
My friend told me it's a good policy not to talk to strangers. Is he crazy?
Signed,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Absolutely. You need to learn to associate with strangers as often as possible! Strangers can be your friends, and can teach you valuable lessons about life. For instance, who would teach you to cope with that first victim-of-an-armed-robbery experience? Why, a stranger, of course! And who do you think will rob you blind while you sleep? You guessed it - a stranger! Who doesn't like being robbed blind?
I've also found it a good policy to take candy from them whenever possible, especially of the unwrapped variety. After all, wouldn't you feel offended if one of your FRIENDS drugged you with a piece of candy? Damn right you would. You should be grateful that there are strangers out there nice enough to sacrifice their legal well-being to drug or poison you, so your friends don't have to. And speaking of friends, yours is definitely a nut. I suggest making a new friend. And where better to find one than in the massive pool of strangers that the Fed universe has to offer? Happy hunting!
Love,
Bubba
BOTTLED COMET WATER SCANDAL
Mega-corp Galactic Soda's latest product, Comet Water, has embroiled the company in a scandal after it turned out the bottled water did not come from melted comet ice, as the name suggests, but from the regular water supply on Earth.
This new designer water was launched last month with a huge fanfare, accompanied by a giga-groat advertising campaign. Although GalSoda never stated in so many words that the water had an extra-terrestrial origin, their marketing was slanted to make people believe it came from outer space.
The slogan, "created in the heavens, purified by the sun", together with the name Comet Water, gave the impression that the water actually came from comets. This was enhanced by the label on the bottles, which showed a comet with drops of water melting out of it, and being caught by a bottle.
After its launch, sales of the new bottled water did well, and it was fast becoming an essential drink for power-lunchers and executives - the trendiest water on the market.
But now an unnamed source from within the company has leaked the information that the water has a much more mundane origin: it's taken from the public water supply on Earth, and is exactly the same as you get when you turn on the tap.
When the news broke, sales stopped dead, and GalSoda's share price plumetted. The company has tried to bluff their way out of the scandal by emphasising that they never actually said the water came from comets, and that people were buying the image and the brand rather than water from a particular origin, but it's clear this whole episode has backfired on them. All they can do now is to hope that the backlash doesn't affect sales of their other products, and that the short attention span of the fickle public will forget all about this as soon as the next scandal breaks.
LOOK AT THE MUCK IN HERE!
Have you seen how grubby everything is getting in Fed II? There's dust everywhere, and garbage is starting to pile up on the streets. My spaceship is starting to look pretty messy, and all the bars are starting to run out of clean glasses, with the dirties piling up in heaps in the kitchens.
So when are we going to get a cleaning droid in Fed II DataSpace?
If it doesn't show up soon, to start clearing up the mess, I may have to pick up a duster myself in order to stop the encroaching dust from clogging up my ship's controls completely.
And that would leave me less time for the important things in Fed - hanging around in the Lucky 7, drinking with my friends! Not to mention the imminent problem of having to drink out of dirty glasses...
Please, Bella, bring in the cleaning droid before we all drown in filth!
GLORY STORIES
Stop Complaining, Break the Rose-Colored Glasses and Prove Yourself.
by Elijah, Adventurer (and Damn Proud of It!)
The "Glory Days" are a favorite topic over in Classic Fed. We are constantly telling and being told stories of "better" times; we discuss, debate, and most often whine about how it was and how it should be that way now. These conversations are less debate and more competition; one point for having hauled by hand, three points for having completed the Snark Puzzle, half-a-point for remembering some obscure player... It's disgusting.
We are using our AOL "accomplishments" to belittle and degrade each other, and worse, new players. How intimidating do you think it is for new players to come into a game with "Glory Day" competitions? We say we want a large community of players, yet we alienate them for not having played earlier. They have no past story; they can't play this insipid game of ours.
We don't even let new players come close to experiencing elements of the game that we attribute to the "Glory Days." Ignorant Dukes and Duchesses rush players through the ranks, never letting a player earn a rank on his own. New players never learn how the economy works; they get to be a Planet Owner with no clue on how to run one. When a player asks for help we strike out at them; using our stories to make them feel foolish. New players in Fed are a used-and-abused group of players, victims at the hands of Dukes and Duchesses who have no business running a Duchy.
Not only do we prevent other people from playing the game, belittle them with "Glory Stories," but we bitch and moan that there is no game to play. (We don't have a game to play because we've destroyed it.)
At Meet and Greets, the Super Bowl of Glory Stories, the host asks the guest to comment on what they would like to see changed in Fed. Asking this question just gives the player a chance to kick the game, both community and design, in the groin. We only respond to this question because it is a chance to score more points. No one truly agrees with what is being said, or we would act on it.
In the history of these complaints, there is only one small segment that players don't have direct control over--the design and coding of the game. One of the "groin kicks" has always been a request for attention back on Federation. For the first time in years Federation is the soul focus of Ibgames. Only a handful of players are currently investing in Fed 2. Not only are these players shaping the community of Federation 2, but they have even influenced game elements. Player suggestions are being incorporated into the game.
With the amount of influence the early players of Fed 2 have, I am a little confused by why so many of you have failed to join us. I have come to a rather unpleasant conclusion, and I hope I am wrong. I believe many of us don't want to play Fed; we only subscribe so that we can play "Glory Story." We pay about 15 dollars a month waiting for a chance to bitch, whine and moan and score a few more points.
Some of you really do see your "Glory Stories" as accomplishments, but let me ask you - Were you married on the surface of the sun? (I can think of one couple!) Have you been to every death location in Fed without dying? (I can think of several people.) Have you had one of your ideas programmed into Fed? (Again...)
Write new stories, play Fed2 and start new adventures, have new Glory Days. Stop Complaining, break the rose-colored glasses in half and prove yourself.
MANSION HIJINKS AND A MARTIAN MAKEOVER
From The Fed2 DataSpace 'Society News' Desk
by Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Hello Again Dahhhhhlings! I have been asked, nay begged by Hazed to return and continue in my informing those in the know what they should know about the happenings in the high society social circles.
The social calendar got off to a fabulous start when across my desk came an invitation to a soiree at the stately mansion on earth. The invitation was signed 'Flair and Chewbacon'. My mind reeled. Had Chester Nisrik sold the mansion that has been in family for generations? Was he renting the mansion for parties? Had the family fortune been spent? The intrepid Buffie must attend to investigate.
When I strolled through the grandiose gates of the mansion, I was struck by how much the mansion had changed since the elaborate functions by the Venus Mines magnate. The hosts were radiant as they greeted everyone as they entered. I was immediately struck by how comfortable they felt? LIKE IT WAS THEIR HOUSE!
This would require snooping of the most delicate sort. I immediately struck up a conversation with a waiter as he circled the guests with a tray of canapes. He indicated that his salary was paid by whoever lived in the upstairs bedrooms. I made small talk with the other guests, rekindling social contacts from many years ago. When the time was right, I delicately asked where I could powder my nose, and nonchalantly strolled up the Grand Staircase to the upstairs bedrooms.
I poked my head into one of the bedrooms and took a quick survey of the possessions within. I don't recall Chester Nisrik having a picture of a Wookie on his dresser, much less ever having a cousin who was a Wookie. In my shock, I noticed on the carpet the chalk outline of a human and a stain of some kind. Had these squatters, these leeches of the Federation Social Scene MURDERED Charles Nisrik in his own bedroom and taken up living in his house? I am just postulating the possibilities. I will leave it to my fair readers to come to their own conclusions.
It seems that Chez Diesel and its umm coarse proprietor Diesel, has not taken to the idea that Chez Diesel has been replaced as the Social Center of the Solar System. That title is up for grabs by a couple establishments that are new since this plucky reporter has been gone. A review of each locale will be forthcoming in later editions.
But, what has happened to Chez Diesel in those years? I fondly recall those days when Diesel reigned over the bar scene. Not a single explorer or merchant knew what was going on in the universe if they were not firmly planted in Diesel's. I, myself, had placed numerous bugs in CDs to fill my columns back in the day. If it didn't happen there, it just didn't happen. So, is she going to throw in the cocktail napkin? Not by the looks of it. The bar has been stripped down to the plasticrete to be rebuilt from the ground up. And, she has hired my fave designer Lawrence Dandy to oversee the transformation. He has an innate sense of style and will no doubt turn Chez Diesel's into a showcase of colors. Will Chez Diesel rule again? I will certainly be at the grand opening and will let you know what everyone thinks of the new place.
FED PHRASE GAME: WHAT HAPPENED?
by not hiding the TRUTH! Heatherjn
Those who were there will bear testimony to my words... it was a tragic night in Fed, especially for those who turned out to play Fed Phrase Game this week.
With players rallying to channel 10 in record numbers I was preparing myself for a hectic night on the event front. When suddenly, bright lights came from the sky above our heads and players were hauled away by the score! While those of us who were left were still blinking the spots from our eyes, we realized that the majority of our numbers had been... kidnapped!
Much of what actually happened is a blur. I grabbed my sister's hand and headed for a pot hole on the Wheel to hide in. I clearly remember hearing the screams of those who were taken. The phrases "It wasn't me!" and "I PAID my taxes!" will forever haunt my sleep...
After some time passed, things seemed to quiet down and I cautiously looked around for survivors. Sallyanne, Antonia, Fancy, Freya and I had managed to survive the attack, but... everyone else was GONE! Who is behind this foul scheme??? Where have all the players been taken??? There was talk about Martians, the Galactic Administration's Bully Boys, and even the IRS. Who knows for sure? Perhaps we will never know...
In the meantime... I have commissioned the workdroids to construct a brand new Wheel, in the hopes that it will meet with a better fate. Please join me again on April 9, when we will once again attempt to take our chances with the Wheel!
DEAR BUBBA: BAD ADVICE
(Advice For The Lovelorn And Other Sage Bits Of Wisdom)
By Bubba Beeblebrox
Dear Bubba,
I have this...'friend'. He is an alright guy, most times, but he writes a really, really bad advice column and has been giving some quite awful advice lately. I am worried that some of his readers will actually take him seriously. What should I do?
Signed,
Concerned About Boring, Bad Advice Getting Endorsed
Dear C.A.B B.A.G.E.
Bad advice has plagued Mankind for millennia. It takes a very rare, and special breed of individual, to be able to ascertain what advice a total stranger needs, based on just a few short lines. Those of us that have this special, God-given talent are few and far between, indeed! My advice to you is to tell your friend to choose another profession, as quickly as possible. (I hear the research station on Castillo needs people to field-test the new spacesuit designs...)
Love, Bubba
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