Web Fed News Yearbooks - November 2000

FED OP-ED: CURES
by Jelly, Polling Federation, one refrigerator at a time

This week, I visited the brand spanking new planet, Cures, owned by Gooddoctor. Let’s see what the celebration guests had to say.

Celebration Tent ( out to landing pad )
A large white frame tent encloses the location of what will be the main wing of the research facility of the planet Cures. The extravagant surroundings show that no expense was spared to celebrate the birth of this multi-planet research project. Many banquet tables with gathered pleat skirts and white wooden chairs are organized under the cover of the tent for guests. Champagne glasses are filled to their brim with the best champagne in federation. Formally attired waiters and waitresses carrying trays weave their paths between the tables and chairs, offering hors d'oeuvres and drinks to the most welcomed guests attending this celebration. The music of the Oz munchkins philharmonic orchestra floats through the air as they play a selection of festive music for this grand occasion. A dance area is near the band for those who wish to dance the night away as the party continues.

Out of every player's planet, whose do you envy most and why?

Rere: "Mynewday's Oz... cause it's just so magical ;) Love those munchkins!"

Breyer: "MyNewDay's Oz. It's beautifully written and absolutly gorgeous. It has a beautiful puzzle. Other than that, I would have to say the Former Planet Rain."

Gooddoctor: "The planet Oz of course, since it has a completely puzzle and it is most wonderful."

Kao: "Xanadu. Littleangel (known as Tiye) has done a marvelous job making it an Egyptian setting. A truly lovely, well thought out planet."

Calodia: "I envy Longbranch, cause Kitty's got Ben and Evette there ;)"

Locksnatcher: "The best player's planet is Pouncer's, Overlite, because it has all these amazingly romantic locations scattered throughout, and because it has Pouncer's bedroom."

Rasal: "I would have to say I admire Eternity the most, but then I am rather partial to the PO of that planet. :)"

Wolfyn: "Kyushu, I think. For being the first ascii planet I'd ever seen, and the inspiration for Honshu."

Rere: "Art was spectacular too... awesome puzzle and writing :)"

Mynewday: "favorite planet would be "planet of the future" because it always gives me something to be looking forward to in FEd."

When you were new to Fed, did you ever have any instances where you tried to talk to a mobile? If so, please explain.

Rere: "I talked to everything when I was new... stuff in descriptions on LPs on Earth, the guards, the tourist... he just kept hitting me! The nerve!"

Rasal: "Hmm, when I was new to Fed I just sat in the Cantina and kept my yap shut.".

Breyer: "Yes, I talked to Diesel. I wanted to know how she got to run a bar, and if that was an "alternative" rank. I also wanted to know if she has seen the GM. She never answered me until I came back later bearing gifts. However, she has frequent headaches now."

Calodia: "I tried to ask Krystal the Muse if she was just getting her planet over at Slarti's."

Kao: "sure did... tried to talk to the urban spaceman when I was wandering around Mercury as a new commander. I think I followed him down the tunnel getting angrier all the time that he wouldn't answer... LOL."

Wolfyn: "When I was new to Fed I was too scared to talk to anything!"

Gooddoctor: "I am so shy, I rarely talk to anyone before they talk to me... mobiles or people."

If you could use any song to describe your Fed persona, which would you use and why?

Rere: "You live, You learn, Alanis Morrisett... cause... well... you do..."

Breyer: ""Help" By the Beatles... "I need somebody. Anybody.""

Gooddoctor: "Short People, since I am so short and shy."

Kao: ""Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac because, like Rhiannon, I have always been just out of reach of so many in Fed ;)"

Mynewday: "Someday... Somewhere... because everything is possible if you take a different look at it, and "somewhere over the rainbow" because it's oz..."

Wolfyn: "How Much Is The Puppydogz In The Window?"

Calodia: "I'd be something kinda like the gal in "Living La Vida Loca""

Locksnatcher: "Hook by Blues Traveler... only I'm the one always going back... so not really... but still! :)"

What would be the most interesting new game to add to Fed?

Gooddoctor: "The dating game."

Wolfyn: "Monopoly. We could buy each other's planets, collect rent, go to jail. ;)"

Locksnatcher: "The best game to add would be Whose Line is it Anyway, because that's just sooo funny, and it can be done in an interface like this with good people acting."

Calodia: "I want to see another Team fighting event, perhaps a 2 on 2 Warrior's Revenge, or something like that."

Kao: "rather than add a new game, I would like to see Fed cleaned up and streamlined. Restore the Snark and make it a promotion requirement, allow fighting in Sol, lift ban on dd planets."

Breyer: "A game I've suggested to Gaminglady, Assassins. A game where everyone is after somebody different, and everybody is being attacked by somebody different. When you kill someone, you take their target."

Rere: "I'd love a slot machine game ;)"

Mynewday: "I would like to see a mini-puzzle game each week... puzzling has lost it's edge in Fed... and it could even be done with teams like what used to be required for the puzzle in sol.."

Well, that’s it for this week. If you would like to suggest a planet as a location or a question to ask at my next poll, simply e-mail me at Jelly@columnist.com.

THE LIFE OF A JUNIOR NEWSDROID
by Chewbacon. You can call me Chewy, Chewby, or Chewbacon. However, I'm not a product of pork nor am I instructions for eating your breakfast.

Well, to be honest I really haven't tasted the bitter end of it yet, if there is one. But I know that I will be making tea, running errands, and so forth for the rest of the news team, according to what Hazed told everyone. Gosh, I feel like an intern! Don't get me wrong, I enjoy journalism and wanted a taste of it and know that I would be suckered into work outside of my job description. That's how the real world works, right?

I sat down at my computer in my office that sits way above Providence and read my memos.

"Chewy, drop the letters I sent to you off at the Radioactive Area on Titan."—Hazed

"Hey, slicker, I have a PO with a couple thousand tons of artifacts he needs hauled."—Chiefsgirl

"Woof! Redspice said something about letting me meet some of her female Boxers. I'll need you to cook me up about five rare steaks and bring some nice, clean water bowls."—Alsatian

"Diesel needs help with her supporters. See what you can do, sport."—Uniquette

"Never mind what Uniquette said, I got a few technicians to help me from Earth. Instead of helping me with that, you can help me make tea for the Tea Party Extravaganza tonight. I'm expecting over nine thousand Sol inhabitants to be here."—Diesel

Sport? Slicker? I'm none of these. I happen to have been writing all my young life and just because this is my first job where I'm expected to write professionally, doesn't mean I should be demoted to such childish names! I shrugged it all off and wrote a few articles until I received the following:

"Chewbacon, Titan's nuclear industry will not be happy if those letters are not dropped off by 9:00. That's eastern time, you central nut!"—Hazed

"That POs workthingies are going nuts stocking his artifacts. Get here now, fur ball!"—Chiefsgirl

"Okay, Chewy. This tea isn't going to make itself. Now, Uniquette told you to help me with something and I told you I didn't need your help. But to keep your junior innocence, I suggest you get here pronto!"—Diesel

"Chewbacon, you're the lowest on our seniority ranks. So I'm not asking you - I'm telling you to go to Mars and help Diesel."—Uniquette

I stood up and changed out of my Alf pajamas, and got to work. After hours of hard labor, I came back to my office only to find myself walking into my wetbar and ordering a few drinks.

My computer sounded the arrival of a new memo. Being dutiful, I stood and went in to my office to read it:

"Alsatian got his paws on some chocolate, Chewy, and made a mess out of the planet he was reviewing. I have a hauler with a pooper scooper en route and he should be there anytime now. Remember, don't let your team down!"—Hazed

>bash computer
>j lorien
>offline

That's enough said about my plans for the rest of the day!

ALSATIAN'S PLANET REVIEW: REPORT FROM THE FRONT

Stardate: 211770

Dear Shep,

Hello there, buddy! How are things going at the mansion? Gotten away with grabbing a sneaker off the boy yet? I really always wanted a taste of that stodgy old butler myself, but he was just too persnickety to venture out to the backyard with the likes of us. I hear Bella changed the cookie recipe slightly and her last batch came out delicious! Maybe I’ll pick up a few on the way to see you sometime – we can have a snack and drink out of the old water bowl, just like old times.

Don’t expect me soon, though. You’re going to be so sick with envy you’ll eat grass for a week about this – I got a job as stud dog in a puppy farm! Yep, this handsome fella is living in the lap of luxury, servicing the babes, napping in between, and eating only the finest delicacies in the galaxy. And best of all – no planet reviews to crank out! Hehe – I sent Hazed notice that I’d be gone for a few weeks while I tried out this new position (and boy, have I tried out the positions!) and I didn’t even get so much as a nose whapping from her. Nope, not a word from the old demi-meaness – I just laid down the law, told her that I would be gone, and she rolled right over without trying to leash me at all.

The babes, Shep – you should see the babes. The whole place is – hold on to your collar – nothing but poodles!! None of those sorry yapping chihuahuas or bossy boxers, no shedding collies or mastiffs with bags and wrinkles hanging to the ground – just kennel after kennel of perfumed perfection. And they’re all in heat and starving for the attentions of yours truly! The vixens in Federation don’t hold a candle to these ladies with their shaved noses and trim ankles.

They wait on me too, paw and dewclaw. If I want a snack, a whole pack of them deliver bones and Liv’r Snaps to satisfy my craving. A single snap of my toes and they’ll crack the bones open so I can lick out marrow. They even brush my fur and scratch my fleabites. I do wish, though, that they’d quit shaving these puffballs on my haunches.

Wait a minute, Shep. There’s some commotion going on outside the kennel. Sounds like yelling, something about having mixed-breeds at the puppy farm. Hmm, I haven’t run into anything but purebred bitches myself.

LOL! I just sent one of the girls for a look-see, and she says there’s some guy out there waving a shovel around and searching all the kennels. Aren’t humans stupid? First of all, they can’t even dig a decent hole without some huge heavy tool – and when they have it they point it in the wrong direction! Holes are dug down, not in the air. And besides, someone could get hurt if he keeps waving it around like that.

Well, guess I better get back to work now <wink, wink>. Ashkellion has been beeping my collar-pager the last couple days with some kind of 911 number – if you see him would you pass on that I’m just too busy to return his call? I should be back in Sol in a couple weeks just to check in on things and we’ll sling back a few bowlfuls then.

Yours truly,
Alsatian

SIMON SAYS
by Horatio

Near where I live, there's a four-lane highway. It's an Interstate, actually. And it's trying to drive us insane (no pun intended). Apparently since the late Mesozoic era, this road has been undergoing repairs. The trouble is, apparently the damage keeps moving.

Two weeks ago, it was the right lane that was feeling ill, so the road crew had us all crush over into the left-hand lane, which in and of itself is a feat. Last week, it was the left lane that needed work, so they had us jog over into the right lane. This week, they apparently can't make up their mind which one they want to work on, so they have us bouncing back and forth between lanes every ten miles or so. This is how it got the nickname "the Simon Says Highway." Those annoying orange signs would be Simon. But think this over: when does that ever happen in Fed? Never, and it never should! Hey, if space needs repair, it means several things:

1. Something REALLY bad happened (you can tell right off the bat this is probably the work of a guy combined with an insanely overpowered piece of equipment).

2. Theoretically, space-time will begin to collapse in on itself, possibly swallowing our entire universe (and I don't think it'll spit out the seeds)

3. You have a lot more to worry about than where you can fly.

Consequently, we can see that the odds of a "Simon Says Skyway" are theoretically low, unless we start having problems with asteroids. Then I suppose they'll have us dodging all over the place under the direction of big orange signs and people with flags giving us no information beyond the fact that they have a flag. Then again, it's not all bad; while you're stuck in the overburden of traffic in the one lane, you can catch a quick nap, read a book, enjoy the radio...

...write an article on a laptop during which you're accosted by a roadworker asking what you're working on so you have to explain and not notice traffic beginning to move so the driver of the truck behind you leans on his horn scaring you halfway through the roof so you stomp on the gas and end up driving right into a hole in the road cut by the helpful road workers...

I really hope that road gets done soon.

Okay, we all know the procedure. I ask you to write, I give you an address, and nobody writes. Let's try to change Part 3; click the mail link here for Horatio_TheWriter@excite.com and send me any thoughts you have!

LEAVING FED WILL, IN FACT, BE THE END OF THE WORLD
by Mr. Logic himself, Danny

When told to leave Fed, many people won't do it. They scream and whine and shout like it'd be the end of the world. So others make fun of them. Even though those "others" are usually me, I've come around. I've come to accept the fact that if any of you do end up leaving Fed it will be the end of the world as we know it. How? I'm glad you asked.

Let's say you finally leave Fed. This happens when you sign off, turn off your computer, and go outside. You remember outside, don't you? I'm sure you do. This is what you've been fighting for all these years; actually going outside and finding out what's gone on in the years you've been self-sequestered in your little room, staring at your screen and living off the Chee-Tos on the floor.

Once outside, chances are you'll meet people. And not just a random name that could or couldn't be what it claims to be, but a real person. Flesh and blood, like the reflection of yourself you see in your monitor, but not you. You'd probably talk to this person. It's not typing to a random name, but it's something.

Depending on your understanding of the spoken English language and general personality (this is the sticking point for many Fedders, personality) this person may or may not become your friend. If this person is understanding or has a shred of pity, they might even invite you somewhere to meet other people.

In time you may become attracted to one of these people, and begin dating. And not a date like you know it, which involves typing to someone who's more likely than not a member of the gender you're generally not attracted to, but a real date with a real person. In time you may get married to this person or someone like him or her.

Once married you may actually even have children. These children will grow up, and have children of their own. Then grandchildren.

This is where the end of the world part comes in. If the 50 people in Fed at the time I'm writing this (10:15 am PST) all went out and got married and had two children (and their children had two children and so on), three generations down the line the world population will be 200 people greater than it would otherwise! So if 200 Fedders all did this, in 300 years (assuming there are roughly 20 years to a generation), the world population would be 32,768 people larger! The world obviously wouldn't be able to take it.

So for the good of society, the world, and the gene pool at large, don't leave Fed. Stay right where you are and don't go outside. The future depends on it.

FED OP-ED: CARNIVAL
by Jelly, Polling Federation, one refrigerator at a time

In honor of my current stay in Carnival, I decided to conduct my poll there this week.

Let’s see what the Carnies had to say!

Carnival Bar and Game Room
You enter the play room and bar and you see the west wall lined with booths. A Carousel Juke Box with all your favorite party songs. The black and white checked table tops are suitable for Chess or Checker, the droids will happily bring you your choice of fine hand carved marble pieces to use. Along the east wall are board games and card game to choose from. To the north you notice a door with a sign saying Video Game room. To the south you notice a second door with a sign for the Relaxation room.

What one thing/event really got you hooked on Fed?

Isabeau: "Just hanging out in CDs with CoolhnLuke, Agust, and GabbyGavin :::whispers that was back in the day when her name was HJ4CRAFT:::"

Bront: "I stayed in Fed though a tough start to finish working on my planet, and stayed after that due to the friends I made here."

Rere: "Well, it could have been Chez... but I'm not that kind of girl hehe It was without a doubt the people and fun I had escaping to this realm :::toys with her whippy blaster and grins:::"

Mynewday: "working on the snark puzzle with people for their promotions and building friendships from that."

Which player, current or from days past, do you most admire and why?

Rere: "Hmmmm tough question... Artopia, cause of her writing skills and general wonderfulness... Mynewday for her kindness and magic and Chigins cause he's my better half :) :::wonders... do I get points for that?:::"

Mynewday: "I am not sure there is just one... Uniquette was the first of importance as she took me under her wing and answered many a question... then there was Dilvish who had a beautiful planet, and made me a part of his planet's community... and then..."

Bront: "I would have to say Jamcat. He was fun to talk to, and helped everyone else around him have fun too. He worked hard, and played hard. I wish I knew what happened to him."

Isabeau: "Too many to count but I would have to say Bizcarp, MyAngel, Rere, and Wicked for being true friends... and always being there for girl chat about hubbies, kids, and "Ricky""

Mynewday: "and then there was kevinwire... and most know why... and now there is Rere and Witchie and and and and..."

Out of all the sol mobiles, which do you wish could answer back and why?

Isabeau: "Heehee... Peg... always wanted to hear that horse talk. What do you think he would say? "Stop firing those twin lasers at my... errr... ummm... nevermind !!!""

Bront: "I would like to talk to Krystal the Muse, and hear her wonderful tales of what sights she has seen over the many years."

Mynewday: "the Pink Floyd as I would ask it to give me sauntering lessons and see if it would include Oz's poppie fields in its route..."

Bront: "I wouldn't mind having the Tourist being able to answer back too, so he could answer for hitting me whenever I am over there ;)"

Rere: "Monty... I'd like to know what he says when you blast him out of the sky ;)"

That's it for this week! Questions/comments/statements/exclamations? Email Jelly@columnist.com.

TECHNOLOGY: BEYOND THE POP-THERMOMETER
by Horatio

Ain't science grand? Just years ago (the 20th century), we had to go through the laborious process of actually cooking food. Remember that? We seem to have lost that entertaining (albeit occasionally painful) experience.

Thanksgiving in Fed is a little more boring for it. True, nowhere else can you find 180 proof egg nog, but we're missing the enjoyable aspects of the holiday. The ones that aren't directly related to eating, that is.

Think through this. Half the fun of Thanksgiving was watching (or moreover participating in) the kitchen antics. And speak truthfully here: it was kinda fun to be involved on the Thanksgiving cooking that included the dog throwing up three times, the garbage disposal throwing up four times, and the accidental spillage of hot potato water resulting in a large noticeable warp in the vinyl flooring.

Or maybe that's just dinner around here. Either way, it's far less fun to just have the food snap-synthesized by a bunch of workthingies, isn't it? Less of a health hazard (on both sides of the fence), but far less fun.So come on, Fedders, let's all saunter off to our ship's galleys and cook up a real meal. Some turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and corn.

All of which will, incidentally, burst into flames at 500 degrees. Trust me.

As always, if you have any wisdom to impart upon me, be sure to email Horatio_TheWriter@excite.com!

FED OP-ED: BRITANIA
by Jelly, Polling Federation, one refrigerator at a time

This week, I polled people in Britania (save for Danny, who answered via absentee ballot).

You are at the landing pad at Castle Britania. There are numerous mechanics and pilots scampering about.
To the west, you hear the bustle of the bazaar, and the west gate beyond that. Wondrous smells emanate from the east, and you can see the east gate farther off in that direction. To the north, a road continues towards the castle keep. To the south, The town road heads towards the shipyard gate.
A messenger runs up to you and says to you "Lord British requests your presence. Please see him in his keep to the north."

Let's see what they had to say:

Think back to the days when you finally paid off your ship's debt... What do you believe was the first player planet you visited, and whose was it?

Macnbc: "Metry, by JeJ, mainly because those were the days when you could pay commanders, and JeJ payed off my loan, so that I could be his indentured servant for the next few hours."

Bront: "it was Antsy owned by Annanayel. She was a great friend, she brought me into Fed."

Kitty: "Hmm... Pepperland. ::whispers,Cup was my Sugar Daddy::;)"

Danny: "Hmm... first player planet... I'd have to say I visited Raptorian, run by that charming genius whose name I can't remember. It's great for tourism, I recommend it to everyone."

Risadeamoconia: "It was Flying, and the design was good, it went with the name."

If you were in a room alone with the tourist... What would be the first thing you'd say to him?

Risadeamoconia: "I would ask: Where did you get all that usless junk?"

Danny: "I wouldn't say anything, I'd just beat him with that stupid mallet."

Macnbc: "PREPARE YOU DIE YOU JERK!!!"

Bront: "I'd ask: How was the reverb from hitting the plates covering my ankles?"

"If you could add any command to Fed, what would it be?

Macnbc: "Haul out <commod> to <planet> and Haul in <commod> from <planet> would be a nice time-saver.."

Danny: "Eliminate <playername>"

Bront: "I think there should be some kind of Join or Follow command to make it easier to lead people around."

Risadeamoconia: "Deport, that would move a player off your planet or out of your duchy."

If you could ask all of Fed any question, what would it be?

Macnbc: "Is That Your Final Answer?"

Danny: "One question? It'd have to be: Why is it your mission in life to annoy me so?"

Bront: ::winks:: "Will you give me a meg?"

That's it for this week! If you have anything to say to me, direct it to Jelly@columnist.com.

FIGHTING - EAT THIS, SCUM BAG
by Chewbacon. You can call me Chewy, Chewby, or Chewbacon. However, I'm not a product of pork nor am I instructions for eating your breakfast.

I sure that every single player in Federation has gone out and bought that huge fighting ship just to go blow someone's head (or equivalent) off in space or to defend your planet from invaders. Buying one of these huge battleships has a good side, and a bad side:

Good: You aren't as likely to get smashed to bits so quickly and so your insurance won't go sky high.
Bad: They're expensive and high maintenance!

I've never stopped and thought about it, nor have I investigated it, but I wonder if it would be cheaper and easier just to let yourself get killed and then orbit back out? I am sure it would for the first couple of insurance claims, but after that - probably not.

Even though these mega-ships drain everyone's wallet, that doesn't stop us from buying them and entering Guts and Glory, Cup of Fearlessness, and other violent events. I know it doesn't stop me from buying a ship really quick and jumping to Orcas just to give Ddking a surprise attack. He really jumps whenever I shove six missiles up his engines and hit his hull with a few twin laser blasts.

Of course, we all have our style and I find it a good tactical advantage to retreat to a safe sector (or an empty one) to recap yourself on your ship's statistics. Unfortunately, last time I did this, I didn't realise that Ddking had assembled a fleet in the sector from which I was executing my hit and run tactics on him!

I retreated immediately, not wanting to waste my time, and sold my ship so I wouldn't have to fix it. Since I received my Long Service Medal, my insurance rate is at a cool low premium price. But look at Ddking… his premiums are about 6,000,000 IG! Of course, a figure that high wouldn't hurt me since my planet makes that in about an twenty minutes, but it would still be a setback.

What's your method - repair or insure? I'd like to know and will include your quotes in my next article. Email me: chewbacon_and_famous@hotmail.com.

THE REST OF NOVEMBER'S INSIDE SCOOP