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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate May 1998 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate May 1998 |
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KILT UPDATE The citizens of Federation DataSpace rejoiced this weekend as former player Natasha Simonova claimed to have found the kilt on a bench in a space MUD, thus allowing Galin to return his rental back to Kilts Me Laddies. Smuggling it through customs Natasha handed the kilt over to officials who were eager to test it for authenticity. Rather than damaging the kilt, they ran it up the flagpole of the military base to "see who would salute it". While patting each other on the back for their wit, the kilt was snatched yet again and a ship was seen departing the earth LP. An APB was issued for a ship bearing the description of "a rather murky shade of industrial gray". This stymied the Imperial police for a short time until a report made its way to their desks that the kilt had been spotted on Scavenge during the course of the Scavenger Hunt. Heading off to interrog... err... question Scavenger the IPs discovered two things. Scavenger's favorite food is chocolate, and that the kilt had disappeared shortly after the Hunt. With the IP left with no new leads Galinfenner begrudgingly returned to rent a kilt anew. One hopes he picks a better pattern this time. Letters sent into Fed News show the purple, orange and gray one he had chosen previously was starting to wear on people's nerves. And among the rumors circulating Federation Space is one about a player named Kirah who claims to have evidence that a certain Duke may have been involved in the alleged kilt napping. Subsequently, a naked man was seen accompanied by a small kitten and a well-dressed Baroness, lurking in the shadows on Scavenger late Monday after the Hunt. The man reportedly was muttering the names of several high ranking players and mentioning unspeakable things concerning them. The kitten seemed to be bored. As of yet the three have not been identified. If you have any leads as to the whereabouts of the missing kilt please send them to Fed News care of Uniquette@earthlink.net. Federation Officials thank you for your assistance.
YOU'VE
BEEN IN CDs TOO LONG As a regular denizen of Mars' very chic, exclusive bar and house of ill repute, Chez Diesel, I see most of the same people. I see some people there more than I see Diesel there, she leaves for the back room on occasion... or at least she did when there were people under the rank of Squire. Anyway, seeing all the people, I come to notice warning signs that you may spend too much time in the same room as that bat-swinging entrepreneur. So, as a public service, I have compiled this list of warning signs so you'll know when to get out and get to another bar.
Now keep in mind that not everyone who doesn't frequent CDs is ignorant, but it seems like the people who wander in are. And all people who are currently CDs regulars weren't, at one time, ignorant. Most were smart enough to migrate there from the start. But if you've developed any of the above characteristics since coming, then take a vacation. Please, it may save your sanity.
Oh dear, where to begin. The imperial scribe that attempted this before me didn't get beyond the censors. (Word of warning - Never crack a Spanish Inquisition joke around Weasel's censors.) Anyhow, I willfully leaped at the opportunity to write this article for Czarina Poco. (The leap from the other end of the plank was nowhere near as desirable.) A bit of a foreword is in order, it seems. Well, the breeding season is over for inhabitants of Weasel. You may now sigh in relief. This turn of events has left gaping holes in the Czarina's schedule as you might expect. Whilst poring over her collection of ancient texts a few evenings back, the Czarina discovered a clause in the duchy legal code which would allow her to wreak havoc on her own subjugates and others. (One of her favorite pastimes.) The clause calls for a third party mediator, however. The letter of the law also decrees that said mediator must be a captain or adventurer in poor moral health with little knowledge of "Decadent Ethics of The Capitalist Swine..." Her description of ethics gets quite colorful here and could go on for some time. The Czarina has been unable to change the letter of the law since no one has yet volunteered to become the next High Injustice of the Supreme Court of Weasel. (The natives are a bit paranoid... considering that resigning from the position usually involves a guillotine.) So, with that bit of background info out of the way, here follows her official decree as transcribed by the late Icabod Sneed.
For further Information - Contact Minister of Foreign Affairs - AmonRe@aol.com.
Today a strange thing happened while I was with a few friends on my planet of Dragonweyr. My Mentor and friend WSprano the Baron of Pern for no apparent reason teleported to no apparent location and no one has seen him since. I shall tell what happened in hopes that someone can shed some light on this strange disapearence. As I was flying around DataSpace Wsprano TBed me informing me that he was in my bar with the whole gang and if I didn't report in right away for the party, he would have to hurt me. Of course I reported right away. Upon entering the bar I found Centurian, Blackdragon, Janie, Shadowhawk, and, of course, Wsprano already buying drinks and getting a little toasted. Well for the next hour the whole scene was quite pleasant as everyone discussed things such as the some day Duchy of Pern and how much fun we are going to have. As the party went on BD (Blackdragon) keep the ale flowing just enough to ruin Hawk's aim with the sawed off mag gun he carries. Let me tell you one thing for sure, two intoxicated dragons in the same place is not a good thing (but that's another story). At some point in the evening, and I am not sure when, Janie and WS ended up in a somewhat serious conversation off to one side. The whole of which I was not quite able to hear but what I did catch was this:
Well that ended that party in a hurry, everyone was just a bit dumbfounded at WS and his behavior so they left. That was Friday and on Wensday, Janie and Shadowhawk went to Pern to see if they could find WS. There was not a single sign of him anywhere. In his office they found his Mt Dew mug half full, and all the ale in his fridge was gone. They did however find an abandoned dragon egg which was gold in color. With the rookeries of Pern already full Janie decided she had best take care of the poor egg herself since Wsprano didn't seem to be taking care of his littlest charges. Since those of us that know him the best, know that WS is never gone for more than short periods of time because of his eggs, we are stunned that he's been missing so long. It's unheard of! If anyone should see him sneaking around DataSpace let me know at CenturianA@aol.com. Those of us that were are the party are very concerned especially since he forgot to pay his share of the bar tab. Also Kaderian the Baroness of Veritas is running out of workthingies to feed his dragons so he best show up soon or there could be some serious problems throughout the universe with all those hungry dragons.
It seems Provostfunk felt that he was carrying a wallet that was too heavy to manage this past week. Late one night an offer was made on channel 9 "Giving away 1 gig to the first one that finds me. And I ain't moving until someone does!!!". Within seconds, however, the comms unit relayed yet another message. "Voila! :P". It seems Duke Stevec had taken up the challenge and used his powers of sensory perception to locate, and tag, Provost. While I spent time cleaning the coffee off my monitor, Provost complained loudly, "That wasn't fair!!!" "Dukes aren't allowed to play!!!" A decree was then made by the groat offering Planet Owner, "OK, the only rule is that Dukes don't qualify for the prize money. I'm gonna surf the channels until I find some contestants." "Legitimate game - find the PO and win 1 gig!! Visit the planet University in the duchy of Arctic." There was only one comment made by the Duke, "37...." Shimmie toy owners will immediately recognize what this comment meant, but for the rest of the viewing audience I will explain it. Duke Stevec had, at that point, told any person who owned a teleporter exactly where Provostfunk was hiding. The next announcement verified this. "Legitimate game - find the PO and win 1 gig!! Visit the planet University in the duchy of Arctic OOPPS - I been found!" The earlier decree of "the only rule" was now to be amended as Provost announced, "OK, gonna play again. I just TB'd all the non-POs I could find. The only rule is that Dukes and Barons canna win ::winks at Steve, et al:: Otherwise, first to find me gets 1 Gig!" Not wanting to miss out on all the fun, a non-Baron and non-Duke decided to pay a visit to this most generous Planet Owner. One porter tickle later and we see the following statements. "Well, that beats all!!!". "I have to amend the rule AGAIN!!". "Dukes, Barons, and SENATORS are not allowed to win!". Yes, it's true. One of the Dishonorable Ones happened to hear of this game of "Mess with Provostfunk's Head" and decided to make an appearance. Provost took it well however, and even offered to sing his praises to the now departed Senator. "Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening..." And was a gig finally passed out? Indeed it was, and to Zorkum, the Industrialist of Zork. Feeling suddenly lighter Provost ended his brief stint in infamy by commenting, "wow - that was REALLY fast :)". This reporter wishes to thank Provostfunk for providing such wonderful late night entertainment, and for spreading his wealth to other Federation personas. We salute you Provost.
The upcoming free weekend will, of course, give us a chance to relive those days when nothing you did counted. Like see the inside of the sun or see what's really down the altar steps. It also might do something better. As some people might remember from way back when (nobody expects you to, it was a long time ago), there once were haulers and traders and other people who weren't POs. Well we all hope this will bring more. But of course a downside will be the return of the dreaded clan of fools known only by their brand, "Snerts". Anywhere, other than the Earth Cantina, hearing "Snert!" was like hearing "The poison cloud is drifting this way!" or "Is that really uranium?". So, in preparation, here's what you might expect: Person A: I just flew in from the
sun, and boy are my arms tired. Person A: I think I'm gonna hire
someone of lower rank to haul everything off my planet. But we all have to recognize that with good comes bad. A few fools for a weekend of mass death for the return of the lower class? I'll take it.
GALAXY
GALLERY After logging many many years flitting about the galaxy evading tax collectors, over-ripe Baronesses, and egomaniac Dukes, I came upon a most delightful dish prepared for me in the authentic and traditional way far out on the unexplored rim of one of the spiral arms of the Milky Way. This dish is in no way for the timid or the faint of heart as the preparation can be a bit disconcerting. I must admit, once you get by the smell of the damn stuff, it does remind me of chicken. However, I was provided with a tamer version of the dish and have decided to publish it anyway. ROAST GRIZZLE WITH BLOOD CREAM SAUCE Ingredients:
Using a very sharp knife, trim all excess fat to 1/4 inch thickness. With a long tine fork, viciously stab the roast in 15-20 places evenly spaced. Insert one clove of roasted garlic into each gaping wound. While certainly fun, it is much more difficult to do this step while the grizzle is still alive, not to mention the mess it would create in your small ship's galley. Place the Grizzle into an oven proof dish at 450F for 30 minutes. Turn the thermostat back to 325F add all remaining ingredients except the goat cream, and cover. Let simmer for 3 hours. Remove the roast from the pan and add the cream to the cooking liquid. Reduce by half and season to taste. Slice the roast and serve hot with a generous amount of Blood Cream. This traditional dish has been served for centuries and commemorates the "Rebirth of the Plaid Coverall" in some remote arm of the Milky Way. The ritual "stabbing of the grizzle" (alive, but later a dead one was substituted), is said to have mimicked the actions of The First Plaid Wearer's Mother upon discovery of the material in her son's closet. The Blood Cream was modified at a later date.
Early this week DataSpace Host Galinfenner disappeared completely with no warning to his superiors. Officials quickly entered his room and discovered an empty plain brown wrapper and several plaid-colored threads. Fearing the worst, an immediate investigation was started. After interrogating several DataSpace messengers it was determined a plain brown wrapped package was to have been hand delivered to the missing Host. The contents were unable to be determined, but were guessed to be an item of clothing. This was where the trail started to grow cold. Finally, inspectors had a break. It seemed one Loonbat had passed the package to the first messenger droid. After repeated groping, Loonbat finally lead officials to a secret room on Gigglez filled with beanie babies. At this point Kissy, Duchess of Gigglez burst in and attempted to save her babies. A brief scuffle ensued, and when it was all over, Kissy and Loonbat were placed under arrest. They admitted to assisting yet another Planet Owner in exchange for several out of stock Babies, but swore they were merely messengers and not part of the original snatching. Investigators finally found the missing Host in the Cantina wearing his Granddads kilt and dancing on tables handing out his "Meals of Joy". Inside each "Meal of Joy" was a surprise "toy", a certain small bean filled animal. As word spread lines formed and soon Fed DataSpace was filled with old faces and names clamoring for a bean filled animal. Officials hope this craze passes relatively soon. And yes, Galin has finally found his Granddad's kilt. When asked if he knew where his kilt had been, he informed us that this whole time it had been on the planet Beanieworld, worn by the small bean filled goat that roams the LP. Sources say that Uniquette is in hot pursuit of the Squire Journey to collect the "Animal wearing clothing" taxes.
A moving tush is a terrible thing to waste... so was the motto when the Corn family decided to set a record for the longest streak of consecutive days for winning the Tungsten Tourist Trap Trophy. With Profit holding the longevity record with one win per week for nine months, it was apparent that no one had ever wanted to take on the daunting task of mounting a concerted effort to catch a trophy every day for over a month. Never being a group to be told something is impossible (or too stupid to know better) the family decided to show its stuff. So rolling up their sleeves, buying lots of seat cushions, and stocking up the coolers the family set to its task. We mailed calendars of what planet to take the loungers to each day and co-ordinated the over 80 members of the Corn family, which was always a tough task. With checks being the form of payment, working the schedules so as to make sure the family always had people with time credits scheduled wasn't always easy. Doing spynets on everyone in the game to track who was the competition for the day became standard fare. At first the trophies came easy with 1000 TT being overkill. But as the month wore on people were trying harder and harder to hold us from the record and we had to call in the troops heavier and heavier each day, sometimes needing to go over 6000 TT in the new pay for play format. The niblets were cracking open the piggybanks to make the dream run a reality. We decided to call off the run after day 32 as credits were dwindling and check processing was becoming slower. Some of the family, having sent in checks, were watching their time dwindle 10, 14, even 20 days after mailing in their checks. So the decision was made to end the streak at 32 and sit back, enjoy the moment and wait. Wait to see if the family might be called upon sometime in the future to re-assert itself in case some other group or family ever decides to try and take our crown. The records: NUMBER 1 - MARCH 2 - EXIDIS
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