INNER WORKINGS: WHILE THE EDITOR'S AWAY...
by RTG1728
Regular readers of this column – if there is such a thing – may have the impression that working for the Federation II Star is all fun and games. A rebellion here, a frivolous lawsuit there, and traveling the solar system investigating all of the odd happenings therein. However, this is just not the case. Oh, there are some employees at this organization who may advocate sedition from time to time, or appropriate the company payroll in order to buy evening gowns and fancy jewelry, but these individuals are clearly in the minority.
When our Glorious Editor went on holiday some weeks ago, however, truly unusual events began to happen. Without the supervision and guidance of the demi-goddess the staff fell into what is most likely their natural state. You may reach your own conclusions as to what this state may be; this newsdroid shall never be accused of libel. He's not programmed for it.
It is his duty, though, to report the mysterious disappearances. At first it was only minor employees: hat stand droids, random text generators, and the other riff-raff which inhabit the dark places of the Star offices. Normally these losses could be explained away as the will of the Editor, but with her on vacation it is doubtful she gave any thought to the goings-on at this newspaper. Thus this reporter's suspicion first fell upon the advice columnist. It is, after all, the gender neutral Ruler of Darkness. Yet this hypothesis was rather shaky. Satan has no desire to conceal its evil doings.
The most plausible explanation for these missing persons was that they had taken advantage of the Editor's absence to flee; they had no doubt begun to believe the rumors spread about the alleged tyranny at this publication.
Then the unthinkable happened. The society desk editor couldn't be found! Clearly such a powerful employee would not succumb to the fear created by the foul lies of this paper's detractors. It is obvious that these groups have now enacted plans beyond the mere spreading of rumors. Your humble narrator has always suspected a conspiracy somewhere in the solar system. And you called it paranoid! Alas that it was correct!
Now who's the crackpot?
Remember that you may read Inner Workings, the column that brings you tales of the happenings at the Fed II Star, on a bi-weekly basis. In two weeks you may expect a story on the tastiness of fluffy pink bunnies.
Until then!
THE FEDIVERSE 101: THE MARTIAN RUINS
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy.
Last time I joined you, I mentioned some students of mine who were concerned about the treatment of a captured Martian that was exhibited during the Gala Event on Mars this past summer. These young people are not the only ones who have been keenly interested in Martian history of late. Enrollment in Martian History and Anthropology classes is up 75%.
It is odd for me to see these children so eager to learn about the people who were, and for all intents and purposes are still, our enemy. Most scientists who are experts in Martian fields were recruited during the war to serve as advisors, analysts and general information gatherers. The archaeology and investigation of the ruins on Mars were as much for technological benefit and the war effort as for the pursuit of knowledge. But now, the next generation has shown more interest in that pursuit than their forebears.
So, with that in mind, I will commence with a multi-part series on the Martian Ruins. Although they are open for tourism, I strongly advise that you not attempt to wander deep into the area without a capable guide. Instead, let the words of this column take you where few have ventured.
The ruins are located a fair distance from Marsport, to the east and south of the center of town. One question that seems to often get asked is, "Why did the Martians build so far away?" Well, its really us who built far away from them. The ruins are dangerous, containing among other things a nuclear reactor. If the reactor were to explode, the devastation would be disastrous to any closely located cities. Of course, the first colonists didn't know there was a reactor there. They just were freaked out by the retro 70s paint scheme and psychedelic lighting in a lot of the main town square area.
From the entryway, the ruins are impressive and intimidating. It took a crew of 9 men and machinery to clear the entryway of rubble without getting zapped by the Tesla Coils the Martians had placed on the top of the arch (later removed). The best evidence leads us to believe the coils were for decorative purposes. They are now in storage at the Venus Museum. After passing through the archway, one finds oneself on the main street in the old town, with inviting or terrifying (depending on your perspective) doorways all along it. Next time, we will take a look at what some of those doorways conceal and reveal about Martian society.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: THE CHURCH OF PEGASUS
By Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Ritualistic Cleansing
Hello again dearies!! I am here and have always been here, despite what you may have read in last week's edition. I have been working from my penthouse condominium for the last few weeks as it has become unbearable to venture into the Fed II Star offices. I simply am unable to work in the environment around that demon. Imagine me trying to write about lavish parties and splendid galas with the Prince of Darkness sitting across the room dispensing advice to... oh! It gives me a headache to even think about it! However, dearies... fear not, for this intrepid reporter has taken steps to have the Prince of Darkness removed from the offices permanently. Yes, I have been in consultations while holed up in my penthouse condo with a certain member of the Church of Pegasus to cleanse the offices, allowing me to return to my beloved desk. And, earlier this week, while everyone was gone from the office, this priest and I slipped into the office and performed the ritualistic cleansing.
The streets around the office were deserted, something about a football game, whatever that dreadful sounding thing is. We entered the offices using my keys, and were overjoyed to notice nobody working late that evening. Slacker newsdroids... and they criticized me for being absent! I led the priest through the building until we reached the reporter's area. This chill in the air was definitely noticeable. I did not have to tell him whose desk was the Evil One's... he was able to find it himself as it was the coldest point in the large room.
I moved over to my desk while the priest got his accoutrements organized. He instructed me to close and secure all doors and windows in the office. As most everyone had moved their desks as far away from the demon as possible, it was not necessary to clear the area around the desk. The priest then took out a white candle and set it gently on the desk. He lit the candle and then took out a small bowl with some herbs in it. I was unable to detect what herbs were in it, but thought it best to not ask him at that moment of time, but later he mumbled that it contained many herbs, among them dried horseradish root. He lit the mixture in the bowl, and then it smoldered, creating a large quantity of smoke. I thought the sprinklers would go off, but then I remembered that the sprinklers haven't worked for ages, so no worries! He then carried the bowl around to every corner of the room, repeating the following saying over and over:
In the name of the Eternal Pegasus, Protector of Newbods
I bid thee part.
I consecrate and clear this space.
Let nothing but joy linger here.
What a lovely saying, I thought. I was confused by the joy part of his saying and thought that he must have never seen Hazed whipping the newsdroids relentlessly. With that, he turned to me and said, 'This office is clean!' I smiled, and thought 'We will see.' It's not that I am an unbeliever, I just thought there would be more ritual involved. And then, he gathered his belongings and we turned out the lights and crept silently out of the building and went our separate ways. Only time will tell if he was successful. I will be returning to the office this Monday, so I will be able to tell you more next week, dearies. And, with that, my alloted space has run out this week. Ta ta for now, Dahhhhhhlings!
INNER WORKINGS: FLUFFY PINK BUNNIES
by RTG1728
Many of our faithful subscribers may remember being promised a story about fluffy pink bunnies. The tastiness of such creatures is well-known. What the first time buyer of these delicacies, however, may not be told is that they breed like, well, rabbits.
After having purchased a number of lagomorphs from an honest-looking gentleman in a raincoat and fake moustache, your humble reported returned to its cubicle. As unusual things appear at the offices of the Fed II Star rather frequently, the other newsdroids hardly even noticed the bundles of cuddliness in the shopping bag.
Upon reaching its cubicle, your undeserving narrator began the serious contemplation of its long-eared friends. It was at this time that this newsdroid recalled that it is just that – a droid. What use does it have for fluffy pink bunnies? It has no need to eat; it can't even taste. The reported scrumptiousness of small pastel mammals would be lost to it.
Since these rabbits would no doubt make far more pleasant pets than the vicious weasel queen RTG1728 had attempted to tame previously, some leafy greens were soon appropriated from the staff refrigerator. It may be safely assumed that they will not be missed.
Now, it having been a day of some energy expenditure, yours truly decided to power down for a brief moment, and hope that the Editor didn't catch it napping.
After waking from this much needed rest your friendly newsdroid had its first inkling that perhaps that honest-looking gent may not have been quite so honest. Through some unexplained reproductive act the originally acquired fur balls had increased their numbers to – well, some number beyond the limitations of this droid's architecture.
Despite the general chaos usually found in the offices, this would be noticed. Particularly when they started to nibble on the power cables.
But all of that is really beside the point. The intent of this week's article is really to announce to this publication's readers the one time special offer of some cute, tasty treats. By order of the Management, everything must go. Please contact the droid wearing the fake moustache.
FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: SUCCESSFUL EXORCISM
by Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Arrivaderci Satan
Excellent news about the Evil One and the Fed II Star offices. It appears that the exorcism was successful in purging the offices of his evil presence. There has been no sign of Satan in the building! The temperature of the office area has returned to a comfortable 24 degrees Celsius, and the newsdroids do not emit random guttural sounds anymore when rolling past his desk. I sent a letter to the priest who performed the ritual and again congratulated him on a job well done. He then advised me that while no news is good news, it will be a few weeks before we can say the offices are completely Satan-free. Stay tuned dahhlings, and hold your collective breaths.
In other news, I am sure you have all heard of the coming ice comet into the solar system? If you have been hiding under a social rock, the comet is called Kajagoo-Bottle-Hythe. Say that fast ten times! And, on this ice comet is being built a seven star resort. Oh my! I didn't know a resort could get that many stars. Also, ski runs and lifts are being carved into the comet to accommodate the multitude of skiers who will descend. Can you imagine shushing down the slopes with a virtual who's who of the in-crowd? Apres ski with a Kir while chatting up the highest social circles ever accumulated in one place? It has been the talk of the universe. Everyone who is anyone has already booked a vacation at the seven star resort. I must send out a special hello to all my friends at Star Holidays who are building the resorts and ski lifts.
If I am unable to secure a suite with that little spot of patronage, I have also been trying to pry some funds from Hazed's private slush fund to have myself sent to the resort to do some first class reporting for the Fed II Star. Suites are filling up fast, Hazed, and I cannot afford to be seen inhabiting a bungalow. And, the longer we wait, the more wet the snow will be. The heat of the sun just does terrible things to the powder on the ski runs.
Stay tuned to this column for a complete review of the ski resort and who what where and when of all of Fed's high society. If you have comments or just want to drop me a note to let me know of upcoming events, please do so! Ta ta for now, Dahhhhhhlings!
THE FEDIVERSE 101: MARTIAN RUINS PART TWO
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy.
Last time I joined you, we had just entered the Martian Ruins, long considered one of the most mysterious and possibly dangerous places in the universe. After passing through the archway, one is confronted with a road from which opens many doorways. And, throughout the ruins, a sense of tension hangs in the air.
One of the more important doorways from a visitors perspective will be found on the north side of the road, after it curves through a plaza. This is the base of operations for archaeologists, anthropologists and virtually any researcher who works with ancient and current Mars. The base does not have a full-time staff member on duty, but occasionally you can find an expert or student lurking about. Generally they are pleased to answer questions.
If you are more interested in diving right into the heart of Martian architecture, take the south doors immediately inside the archway. These entrances will take you into a series of brightly colored enormous rooms. The purpose of these structures is not clear, but it is likely that this part of the ruins was used for the commercial and residential facets of the Martian culture. The rest of the ruins are highly centralized, with areas for industry, religious practice, warfare and education clearly delineated. Thus it is quite likely that the business and residential sections would also be separated from other structures and these rooms, which lack furnishing and ornamentation, look to serve the latter purposes.
This area of the complex is fairly straightforward and safe. You can wander about without fear of bodily harm. However, some of the conditions of the rooms may cause disturbing imagery. One room in particular is filled with a constant mist, and may cause hallucinations after prolonged exposure to its environment. The purpose of this room is very vague. Researchers have not been able to spend considerable time in excavating the room further due to hallucinations and nightmares suffered by those who spend a long time working in it. It is possible that the Martians left these mists behind to serve as a defense against non-Martians uncovering some of their secrets.
Next week we will move further into the ruins, into the areas that pose more dangers to humanoid life.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
INNER WORKINGS: NEWSDROID IN TROUBLE
by RTG1728
Your humble reporter must admit, dear readers, that material on which to report has been rather scarce at the Fed II offices for the last couple of weeks due to circumstances that will be described shortly. There are, however, rumors that an exorcism was performed on the premises, and the absence of the newsletter's advice columnist seem to confirm these stories.
This newsdroid did not witness the event, as it was not in the Office due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with the Galactic Authorities. Following its last column some delusional citizen reported having seen it participating in the sale of certain rapidly reproducing rabbits. This is, of course, utter nonsense – everyone knows that a false moustache is an infallible disguise. Yet the Authorities decided to take these accusations of illicit bioengineering seriously, and as a result yours truly spent quite some time eluding said Authorities. This was followed by lengthy declarations of its innocence. Despite this defense it was the opinion of the Administration that RTG1728 should have its operating system replaced with more dependable software.
This cruel and unusual act would be performed in accordance with a recent memo calling for the aggressive replacement of competitor's operating systems with that of the house brand in all droids. The company that programmed the software claims that its system provides superior indemnity and lower total costs of operation. The memo claims that this is possible in part due to fewer flaws in the software; there is very little risk in running it on droids of any kind. Curious, then, that they are first implementing it on those accused, even falsely, of criminal activities.
This reporter was highly skeptical, and was inclined to refuse the update in favor of its original software. Its opinion was disregarded, and the dreadful procedure was scheduled.
Fortunately it was at this time that communication with the Star Holidays resort on comet Kajagoo-Bottle-Hythe was interrupted, and the Administration found more pressing business to attend to.
This droid is currently investigating the use of the much touted software at the resort. It is its speculation that it was, and that the software's much touted stability was slightly exaggerated. Could this have been the cause of the mysteries at the comet resort? Rest assured; the reporters at this institution will not rest until the truth is fabrica... found.
GALACTIC TELEPHONE COMPANY TO CHASE UP LATE PAYERS
The Galactic Telephone Corporation (GalTelCorp) has today announced a new program of hunting down those who have defaulted on their communications bills in the past, with the aim of making them pay up. "There is no statute of limitations on telephone charges," said company lawyer Bert P. Rootleberry, "so late payers needn't think they can get away with it."
He added that interest will be charged on the original debt, so the longer non-payers had left settling their bills, the more they would have to pay now. He urged those affected to come forward and pay the money owing before the size of the bills increases any further.
Their first target is an alien creature who simply goes by the name ET: The ExtraTerrestrial. GalTelCorp claim that ET racked up a huge bill several centuries ago when he used unorthodox methods to phone home. It is not known if ET is still alive, but the company is determined to get what it is owed - if not from the alien itself, then from its ancestors.
Mr Rootleberry closed his statement by saying, "That call, which put the planet Earth into contact with a galaxy far, far away, cost money - and somebody has to pay."
|
