INNER WORKINGS: AN INTRODUCTION
by RTG1728
Some years ago it was discovered that monkeys do not type randomly, and the media corporations were forced to replace their hordes of simians with Random Text Generator droids in hopes of producing all the news not fit to print. These droids were found exceedingly useful, and soon autonomous robots were replacing carbon-based lifeforms for other tasks, including getting coffee, running various errands, and even writing original news columns!
The Editors at this paper, in fact, have relied so heavily upon droids for these lowly tasks that upon recently finding themselves without an errand-droid - a result of its unsatisfactory performance and subsequent destruction - they were so in need of a replacement that your humble narrator was unchained from its random text interface and pressed into service for this glorious task.
After showing its dependability by providing coffee, delivering laundry, and collecting bribes, yours truly was instructed to withdraw the company payroll and distribute it amongst its droid counterparts, this task being unworthy of our illustrious Editors.
Needless to say this sum was soon spent on various Audrey Hepburn memorabilia - namely an elegant black evening gown, an extraordinarily large hat, a pair of alligator shoes, and a very long cigarette holder. Upon wearing said gown, hat, and shoes, and using the holder for its intended purpose, your friendly reporter was informed that smoking was not allowed inside the office, and while its gross unreliability and malfunctioning identity programming made it unsuitable as an errand-droid, these very traits were just what the Editors were looking for in a Newsdroid!
And so, after being warned that portraying the Owners, Editors, or any other Persons of Quality at this publication in an unfavorable light would be detrimental to its career, your lowly and undeserving reporter, RTG1728, was given the job of authoring a bi-weekly column following the inside workings of the Fed II Star.
Inner Workings will appear every other week, and will be your source for scandal, intrigue, and the occasional story about how things work at this publication.
Until then!
BLOCKADE RUNNER CHAT: VLAD
With Blaze, Pirate Goddess of Fed II
The noisy din of pirates and buccaneers (the entourage) fades to the background as patrons of the club curiously watch a camera crew arrange equipment. Fresh rounds of drinks are ordered up, while Blaze rises from a corner table in The Sizzling Wok on Mercury to greet you with a warm smile.
"Welcome to the Blockade Runner Chat! I'm your hostess Blaze, and every couple of weeks I interview a different Federation II personality as we explore in-depth the views that each guest has of our Fed universe. Please welcome the zaniest vampire in the galaxy...VLAD!"
Blaze grins merrily and welcomes the Vladiator!
Vlad makes himself comfortable.
Blaze asks, "So, Vlad, you mentioned having a role in the creation of this very restaurant?" She looks around the Sizzling Wok in admiration.
Vlad nods and says, "When Hazed was wanting to add a restaurant on Mercury, she was asking for suggestions."
Blaze asks, "What'd you suggest, that got implemented?"
Vlad says, "Another player and I suggested the Chinese with Hunan and Szechuan cuisine. I mentioned the Chinese lanterns catching on fire and the chef in a heat suit, using the sun as the heat source. I apologize for not remembering the other player's name though."
Blaze asks, "Have you had other ideas that have been used in Fed II?"
Vlad says, "I was asked to come up with a section of a Easter planet that due to things being as hectic as they were for launch prep, never got to go in. As a member of the Beta Test team, I am sure there are a few other things here and there that were a suggestion of mine, but that team is the best! So creative! "
Blaze asks, "Are you looking forward to writing your own planet eventually, what with all the new tools?"
Vlad exclaims, "oh yes! I am looking forward to that very much! heh, but at least being in sol again, you can socialize more... not too much of that was going on in Classic these days"
Blaze asks, "Are you still playing Classic Fed at all?"
Vlad smiles, "Yes... I am a navigator there still. And as a side note, the actual name of Classic Fed is being used because I coined the term!"
Blaze asks, "You've been a Nav since forever... how long has it been?"
Vlad says, "I have been a Nav in Classic since August of 2001"
Blaze asks, "What have been some notable observations you've had regarding Fed trends during those three years of helping newbies?"
Vlad says, "Mostly the lack of actual newbies. And if there was a newbie, at the beginning of my career, they would be scooped up and basically handed a planet in a couple of days."
Blaze asks, "Do you recall the last actual newbie that you saw?"
Vlad says, "recently, there have been some old newbies coming back in dusting off the rust to see if the game was still going"
Blaze asks, "Do they seem to be sticking around?"
Vlad says, "Yes, in fact, I have checked in on a few with spynet and they have moved up nicely"
Blaze says, "Why have you remained navving so long, with seemingly little job satisfaction? I can't imagine the motivation would be real great to go on duty.."
Vlad says, "I have been playing Fed since August 96, and Fed has done so much for me personally, I wanted to give something back. I have stayed because, although there wasn't much to do, I still have a feeling of responsibility to stay and help out. There are not too many of the navs there to fill time slots and there is always going to be a need for Navs to be there"
Blaze asks, "When will more Navs be hired for Fed II?"
Vlad says, "we are looking into a training program now and getting our ducks in a row"
Blaze notes, "It must be tough to train Navs for a game that many haven't played much yet..."
Vlad says, "As we had to get the nuts and bolts of the game in place first before we could concentrate on the Nav stuff, but yes, it is going to be a little bit of a learning curve at first for some. This is not your father's fed. The dynamics have changed so much, so in order to help others, you need to take the time and learn the game yourself. Fortunately I have had the ability to be here from nearly day one in Fed II"
Blaze asks, "With COMMS being the primary communication tool, will Navs also be policing those?"
Vlad says, "Well, seeing that in Classic, we were mostly on the help channel, and if something happened on say, channel 9, we didn't usually see it first hand, With Fed II, we have the comms and can see anything other players say on them so yes, we will be watching the comms here. I think it is great though, we are not so isolated anymore."
Blaze says, "So its more than just helping newbies here... seems like more of a challenge for sure."
Vlad says, "We can see the activity of the game and although it can become scroll, we are now able to check the pulse of the game and step in if someone gets out of hand"
Blaze asks, "But speaking of "your father's Fed," unlike some other Fed II characters, Vlad is old as dirt and actually he was the same character in Classic Fed, correct?"
Vlad nods and says, "Yep, I am now finding myself 200 years older... but that is a blink of an eye for a Vampire." He grins revealing his fangs.
Blaze ponders, then asks, "838 years old now?"
Vlad corrects Blaze politely, "837... won't turn 838 until October"
Blaze exclaims, "Ahh yes...Halloween!"
Vlad cackles.
Blaze asks, "Is your Halloween birthday the root of your interest in scary stuff, like ghosts?"
Vlad says, "Oh yes, having my birthday 2 days before Halloween is definitely what sparked my love for the genre. In fact, there is only one time I have missed the holiday"
Blaze asks, "Missed it how?"
Vlad says, "I call it "The Great Pumpkin Carving Mishap, Charlie Brown""
Blaze is afraid to hear this.
Vlad winks, "I ended up in the hospital after showing someone how to carve a pumpkin... or should I say showing someone how NOT to carve a pumpkin" He holds up his right hand at the reattached fingers.
Blaze barely notices a scar on the translucent pasty skin.
Vlad winks, "never use a machete to carve a pumpkin. A chainsaw works much better!"
Blaze smiles, "You have an amazing RL tradition for the holiday... tell the audience about your yard."
Vlad says, "Every year, the neighbors know Halloween is right around the corner when they see me pull out the props. I have a cemetery with a wall, archway, skeletons, fog effect and sfx and music. My latest prop was the skeleton outhouse... when the dead have to go, the dead have to go!"
Blaze bounces in her seat, wanting to hear what the outhouse was like!
Vlad says, "It is an authentic looking outhouse, with a skeleton sitting inside reading a newspaper. There is another skeleton standing outside waiting for the other to finish"
Blaze asks, "What's your attendance been for trick-or-treaters?"
Vlad drawls, "We usually only get about 115-120 kids on average... being on the last street, most kids tucker out before getting to my block. But my scouts have told me that there are swarms of kids two streets up so perhaps this year I will advertise up there"
Blaze says, "That's just astounding in this era of Mall Trick or Treating."
Vlad says, "I do have a bunch of return TOT's. The parents tell me they can't miss it to see what I have added. And oh, if the parents of that cheerleader are reading this, they can pick up the pom pom she dropped as she was running away in fear."
Blaze asks, "What will you add to the display this coming holiday?"
Vlad says, "I may be retiring the wall for a newer easier to store one. It is made of wood and the wood is not holding up too well after 12 seasons. heh, plus, we need more space in the garage!"
Blaze taps the most recent issue of the Star and smiles, "You have a new project in Fed II... comic strip artist for the Fed II Star! Tell us a little about that."
Vlad says, "It is called Sam Galaxy - Private Detective... it is about a guy who was once a member of Nightwatch who after being washed up, becomes a private eye to pay for his drinking habit. I have been toying with making a Fed based comic for years but finally started it with Fed II"
Blaze asks, "This first episode aired in last week's Star. Do you know where you are going with the story line already, or just doing it episode by episode?"
Vlad says, "I have a basic idea of where I want to take it and have written a total of 10 scripts so far... you have seen part one and part two is already in the can"
Blaze has actually seen part two already, she notes as she examines her fingernails.
Vlad chuckles
Blaze asks, "You'll do a story for a few weeks and then a new case for Sam Galaxy will start?"
Vlad says, "We shall see where it goes, but I would like to have it as an ongoing character with different cases"
Blaze asks, "Are any of the characters in the strip based on Fed characters?"
Vlad says, "Not yet... there is a poster in Nightwatch for Giles though"
Blaze asks, "What exactly is Nightwatch?"
Vlad says, "That is a good question! Basically, my take on it is a quasi-militaristic police force with shadowy characters in and around everything going on in the background of Federation II"
Blaze exclaims, "Very intriguing indeed!"
Vlad nods and says, "It is fun to work with"
Blaze exclaims, "You are certainly a comic strip talent that the world's newspapers are waiting to discover... and we had you FIRST at the Fed II Star!"
Vlad exclaims, "heh, if only they would discover me... NOW!... right NOW!!" He chuckles as all of the major syndicates have turned his comic strip down again.
Blaze shakes her fists at the bastids!
Vlad says, "so I will just keep plugging away at my main strip, Willow's Grove on my website... which I update three times a week"
Blaze asks, "What's the url for that?"
Vlad says, "http://www.willowsgrove.com/wgstrip.html will take you to the current strip. There are over 100 strips there of it"
Blaze says, "Just curious how you came up with the Willow's Grove name... I know there is a Disney attraction with a similar name."
Vlad says, "I saw it on a map, well, something similar, Willow Grove, PA and said, hey, that beats the name I have been trying to syndicate"
Sissy arrives and buys a round of ale for Blaze and Vlad, while Vlad waves to his beloved wife of the past 19 months while she hauls.
Blaze smiles, "Well, Vlad, I wish you the best of luck in your artistic endeavors, as well as your Fed II ones."
Vlad smiles, "Thank you. Anything is possible!"
Blaze exclaims, "It is! It is!"
Past episodes of the Blockade Runner Chat are arrived at http://poopdeck.home.comcast.net/brc.html.
NEW MUSICAL RELEASE DESTINED TO TOP THE CHARTS
Deva's Musical Promotions is proud to present the first single from the newest Federation sensations, the Spaceport Boys.
Little Dragon Class
by The Spaceport Boys
Little Dragon class
You don't know what I've got.
Well I'm not braggin', babe, so don't put me down,
But I've got the fastest spaceship in town.
When something flies up to me he don't even try,
'Cause she doesn't have wings, but I know she can fly.
She's my little Dragon class, you don't know what I got.
Just a little Dragon class with a warp coil mill,
But she'll walk a fancy sportster like she's standin' still.
She's anti-matt'r injected and she's fusion bored,
She'll do warp nine in the top-end floored.
She's my little Dragon class, you don't know what I got.
She's got a competition 'puter with a quantum core,
And she growls like a marsrat 'til the rockets roar.
And if that ain't enough to make you flip your lid -
There's one more thing: I got the loan paid, daddy.
And coming out of orbit when the screen reads, "Go,"
Well she blows 'em outta space like you'll never know.
I get pushed out of shape, and it's hard to steer
When I dilate time in all four gears.
She's my little Dragon class, you don't know what I got.
She's my little Dragon class, you don't know what I got.
FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: SUMATRA GALA
By Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Freya's Sumatra Gala
Helloooo Dahlings!!! I never realized how busy my summer was before now. I have been 'trotting the solar system' attending one event after another trying my bestest to bring you all the high society news. But, the absolute highlight of the past week has to be the Sumatra Gala.
I am pleased to tell you that once again Freya has outdone herself. Freya always has a worthwhile charity in mind to benefit from her hospitality, and this gala was no different. This event supported the IAACD, International Association against Cyber Demons. Yes, dearies... I had no idea that the problem was so widespread. But, I still use this practical Underwood, so I feel for all those suffering from this affliction. I learned from the very handsome and charming Chairman of the Association, Dr Merrin-Sydow that they fund exorcisms of the evil spirits that live inside computers. I had been considering bowing to Hazed's pressure to use my laptop, but I think I will continue to use this old Underwood, no matter how much Blaze and Hazed throw a tizzy. I have enough memories of the evil spirits that can arise from party hosts watching their ice sculptures melt while waiting for cracked Earth crab legs to be served by tardy caterers.
The Gala was held in the newly reopened section of Sumatra. Guests were greeted on the shuttle pad by valets under a canopy of silk and damask, which gave a hint at the color scheme that would be used throughout the Commons area. The rich colors of royal purple and grass greens were complemented tastefully by their equally elegant pastel counterparts. Even the fountain in the center of the Commons was decorated with the pastel colors. Freya herself led tours of the reopened areas of Sumatra. The highlights of the tour must have been the University, with the battling cultural anthropologists. Heavens, if anyone should be able to get along, it should be cultural anthropologists! Other highlights included the Chez Guevarra pub and the Lost Civilizations Theme park. I do hope they can solve that icky business with their union workers soon, so the children can celebrate their last weeks of summer break on the roller coasters.
All in all, a wonderful event on a wonderful asteroid for a wonderful cause. Kudos to Freya for a delightful event. If you have comments or just want to drop me a note to let me know of upcoming events, please do so! Ta ta for now, Dahhhhhhlings!
THE FEDIVERSE 101: CULTURAL RESOURCE MANAGEMENT
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy – patent pending!
Our world is always expanding, whether through science, economic and urban development or simply the pursuit of knowledge. Usually, the accumulation of cultural knowledge goes hand in hand with these other expansions. In the recent development of the Sumatra mining colony, there is an excellent example of the demand for professionals such as myself to put their expertise to work in the highly important field of Cultural Resource Management (CRM).
As early as the 1400s A.P., the Aztec Empire in Earth's Mexico took care to preserve and honor the sites of former Mayan power as important legacies of the past. In the 1700s, boaters along the American South noted and preserved burial mounds from earlier Native American tribes. In Europe, the United Kingdom was one of the first countries to label historical landmarks, such as Stonehenge. The 20th century saw the dawn of CRM as a distinct and important field as urban development began to require extensive excavations, often of sites that had been inhabited for hundreds – if not thousands – of years. Cultural Resource Managers are responsible for preserving history before it is paved or built over, because even garbage can teach us about the past and prepare us for the future!
CRM is also used to determine where recovered artifacts belong. In 1990, the United States passed a bill known as NAGPRA – The Native American Graves Protection and Repatriation Act. This bill was a landmark in determining who had jurisdiction over objects in museum collections and research institutions that had sacred and religious qualities as well as legislating a procedure for the treatment of future finds. Other countries have adopted similar legislation. This legislation was first tested outside Earth when the Martian ruins were first discovered and explored during the first colonization of that planet. The native Martians were understandably upset that off-worlders were poking through one of their sacred areas; in fact, the unhampered exploration of the ruins by tourists might have been a factor in precipitating the Martian War.
Thus, when native ruins were discovered on Sumatra during the excavation for a planned theme park by Lost Civilizations Theme Parks, Inc., CRM was brought into play. With a name like Lost Civilizations, you would expect they have had experience with CRM, but executives from the company seemed surprised that construction on the park would be halted until researchers had completed a full evaluation of the ruins, to judge the park's impact upon them and whether construction should continue in a potentially dangerous area. As we learned from the Martian ruins, and pretty much with any alien technology, the remnants of ancient cultures can pose a danger to living beings of any race, in ways both physical and political. At this date, it is undetermined when the park will be completed.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
DANNY RESTATES BID TO PURCHASE CHEZ DIESEL
by Danny
EARTH, SOL - Citing the shocking mismanagement of the establishment over the course of the previous 200 years, the mysteriously reincarnated Danny has formally offered to purchase his dilapidated former hangout from the proprieteuse, Diesel.
"They claim it's being renovated, but I've seen no workers, I've seen no record of permit requests. It's a travesty," said Danny in a press conference attended by two groundhogs and his cat. "I told her to name her price. I will spare no expense to acquire and renovate the majestic historical landmark, the dare I say legendary site of my finest moments. I will restore it to its prior glory, of course with a few changes." He continued, "For instance, I'd rename it Chez Danny. And I would replace Diesel with a clone of myself. And drinks would be cheaper. And a monkey would be involved somehow, because monkeys are cool."
Diesel could not be reached for comment, and her agent, the demi-goddess Hazed, laughed when told about Danny's proposal and made a comment that would be unsuitable to be printed in a family newspaper such as the Fed II Star.
IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU
by Zero
I was at a nice social gathering on the fine planet of Mars when I drank a bit too much. Well you know how the story goes: stumble out of the bar, crawl to the shuttle pad, and reach into the pockets (or equivalent), and then your mind races. "Where the heck are my keys?" you think to yourself. Now there's no time to wander back to the bar, wherever it might be now. Barely able to read your com unit to find out what planet you're on, you attempt to hail a space taxi, only to realize your speech is too slurred to even pronounce 'Mars'. With no other alternative, you're forced to find another shuttle pilot.
As the story continues, locating a shuttle pilot is usually hard, but not this time. Climbing aboard some rickety shuttle, you catch a glance at the human's face and realize just how ugly that race is! Of course, if you weren't so drunk you'd have recognized the man from the Galactic Administration's Wanted notice posted on the public board, viewable on the com unit in your hand that you've forgotten about, or have you just lost feeling in your hands now? Hard to tell at this stage, you're pretty well drunk, remember? If you remembered the notice, you might've also remembered that this man is wanted for all sorts of crimes: from ship theft to public nudity, and worse. How worse the Galactic Administration wouldn't go into, as it tends to frown upon offending the law-abiding citizens of Sol.
So now you're stuck in a shuttle with this dirty-looking human who cracks a grin your way when you try to speak your name and only manage to slur the longest string of S's ever recorded in the history of the galaxy. Wait, what IS your name now? Forgot didn't you? Well I figured you did! If that grin didn't make you nervous, perhaps the loud beeping on your com unit could do the trick, however you can't hear the beeping. What good is a personal security system that alerts you when you're within proximity with a known criminal if you're too drunk to notice it?
As the shuttle lifts off, your mind should probably be considering possible escape routes, or even possibly if you could dial the emergency frequency on your com unit without Scruffy next to you noticing. However, the only thing on your mind at this point is the thought of the very last drink you had, or was it the one before that? You're focusing more energy in keeping your green rear-end in the passenger's chair than you are in escaping from what's turning out to be your worst night ever in your life, even if you are completely oblivious to the fact. Funny, it didn't seem so bad an hour ago, did it? Then again, the worse will hit in the morning when you realize you also spent your bank's monthly payment on a cheap dancer who only managed to pass out after the first step.
Now back to the situation at hand. Something starts to click when Scruffy decides to draw a weapon while approaching your ship. No, it doesn't exactly click. It's more a very slow tingling feeling that starts at the back of your head and takes approximately thirty Earth minutes to reach the part of your brain that ponders the situation. Let's not even go into the amount of time it'll take to actually react. No, you're in deep, and the only thing you're concerned with is that blasted tingling feeling in the back of your head, and wondering if you should scratch it. Not more than a moment later, Scruffy aims his weapon at you. Now that tingling sensation seems more like a shocking jolt as your mind processes this statement at light speed: "Ut-oh."
Just when you think you've drank your last drink, a shimmer of teleportation effect brings aboard a Galactic Administration officer with a stun-gun and the keys to your shuttle. He teleports you back to the landing pad, just after giving you your keys, and then hands you 10 groats in reward for the assisted capture of the Galaxy's most dangerous criminal.
The moral of this story is... well I forget. And where DID I leave those keys?
INNER WORKINGS: MOVING INTO OUR NEW OFFICES
by RTG1728
It has been an eventful week at the Fed II Star office. The employees of the Solar System's most popular newsletter have had quite a time settling into their new location across the street from the headquarters of the Galactic Administration. This adjustment was made all the more difficult by the attempt of a group of newsdroids to disrupt the esprit de corps for which the publication is known.
Though the details of the uprising have been covered up by our Glorious Editor - no doubt to protect the morale of the journalists and other lackeys - yours truly was able to obtain a report of the incident from one of those believed to be within the secret inner circle of the seditious group, and believes that this information should be made public in order to avoid any future unpleasantness.
Contrary to the models created by the exceedingly competent planners supplied by the Administration, moving an organization such as the Star is no simple task - though in all fairness this lowly reporter must state that these individuals specialized in the relocation of the Bureaucracy, which must certainly be more orderly - and it was during the confusion that the ragtag band of newsdroids staged their revolt by daring to approach The Editor and request that they be paid for their work!
It seems most demanded a large, unprecedented weekly salary of pocket change so that they might purchase coffee, though one insurrectionist was quite vocal about obtaining a set of earrings to match its superb black evening gown. This individual was subsequently pushed to the rear of the assembly by its coffee-addicted and crazed comrades, and thus escaped the judicious punishment which followed.
The supposed leader of the rebellion was kindly allowed to begin a new life, free of the dangerous drug known as coffee, and now works in the exciting field of head-covering management as a hat stand in the new Fed II Star office.
Without the corrupting influence of their ringleader its compatriots returned obediently to their work, and the move continued with almost no catastrophes.
May news of this event serve as a lesson to our readers on the evils of coffee, and how even those on whom its grip is tightest may begin anew.
And now, as it prepares to find the perfect set of earrings, may your humble friend and narrator remind you to be sure to read Inner Workings two weeks from now, when it will bring you more news about the mysterious happenings at the new and sedition free offices of the Star.
Until then!
TRAVEL BEAUTY: HOW TO LOOK GOOD ON THE GO
by Selena of the Spaceways
It's hard to look fab and do the rank climbing thing. But Selena has suggestions for easy beauty that'll make you feel like a shuttle queen.
Want to hit the spaceways without hitting the skids beauty-wise? As always, you've come to the right place. We've gathered up some of the best products and ideas to spice up any galactic gal's beauty routine - from multi-tasking "treatment fragrances" to easy packing tips to on-the-cheap new looks. It's all here in the latest edition of our fashion and beauty report!
You're a new Adventurer and on your first Akaturi delivery and primed for adventure. What better way to express your fun new attitude than with a change of face? Now is a great time to try new makeup and hair looks - after all, nobody knows what you're "supposed" to look like! Best of all, you can experiment without spending a fortune! Nanotech insta-change costs a mere snippet. So go ahead girls, it's time to go wild. Lose those chapped, work worn hands! Trade them in for a pair of sleek and sexy tentacles. And to make it a really special change, add a stack of shimmery, tinkley bangle bracelets.
Tired of that pale, serious, careworn look from hauling too much cargo? Consider one of the summer's new fashion shade skin tones; warm peach, blushing lavender, or delicate leaf green will give you that fresh and dewy look you yearn for.
Trend Tip:
To boost your own inner glow, be sure to drink enough fluid! The cool new favorites of celebs like Selena, Hazed and Samantha are fizzy, frothy drinks with bits of summer fruits. Be creative and go for the unexpected! Whip up your own signature drink. Try a Rigellian SpaceBlossom - pale green melon liqueur topped up with a splash of fine Rhean champagne. Toss in a few tiny grapes, candied Inkago spacebloom petals, and a twist of lime peel.
Or how about a Saturn Blackout? A jigger of blackberry liqueur, Titan triple-filtered volka straight from the glaciers, lots of ice, and a sprig of mint. The possibilities are endless!
Trend Tip:
It's no secret that most women treat themselves to a little hair coloring "help" - so why not try one of the exciting new duo color styles? Stripes of rich russet streaking that shimmering silvery mane really would contribute to a brand new you. Or go completely retro with a Venusian Native twist. One of our favorites is the Ionic Color Flip - a tiny nanotech array slowly and subtly changes the colors of your hair in a preselected range. Start dinner as an elfin blonde and spoon up your dessert as a sultry redhead.
Don't forget to send in your own beauty tips and trends to Covering the Fashion and Beauty Beat. Any tips we publish will get you a coveted mention in the galactically distributed Fed II Star.
INJURED ADVENTURESS FILES NEGLIGENCE SUIT AGAINST GALACTIC ADMINISTRATION
MARS, SOL - Lawyers have filed negligence charges against the Galactic Administration and Diesel, proprieteuse of Chez Diesel, charging them with causing grievous bodily harm to their client Adventuress Antonia, a female half elf, as well as associated pain, suffering, and loss of income.
Antonia was recently severely injured in a vehicular accident involving the sportster. This resulted in injuries which ended in her death. Antonia is currently undergoing rehabilitation and therapy at a private clinic on Earth. This is just the latest incident associated with the sportster; it was apparently involved in numerous previous deaths.
Her attorney, Satan, Prince of Darkness, said the prognosis was very grave and he was shocked that the Galactic Administration allowed such a dangerous vehicle to remain in Mars spaceport. He also cited Diesel as being dismissive of the dangers of the sportster and in fact having praised its attractive sexy looks.
The possibility of enlarging the filing to a class action suit is being considered. Records indicate many have suffered a similar dismal fate due to the sportster. Authorities of the Galactic Safety Transportation Department have been alerted to the situation and are currently conducting an inquiry.
GALAXY'S FINEST ICHTHYOLOGISTS CALLED TO MARS
MARS, SOL - In an inexplicable move, the galaxy's foremost ichthyologists have been hired by an unnamed party on Mars. The anonymity of the person responsible and bizarre nature of the event has intrigued many analysts, though their conclusions have raised more questions than they answer.
For instance, the ichthyologists all specialize in the veterinary and epidemiological branches of the field, which is odd because nobody interviewed had ever even heard of ichthyologic epidemiology let alone suspected anyone specialized in it. Also, the specialists were all called to Big Ted's Cryogenic Storage Facility and Industrial Meat Freezer, which, admittedly, is an exceedingly strange place for a scientist.
The only theory at this time, circulating through conspiracy theorist newsgroups, connects the influx of scientists to the late Emperor Richard, perennial candidate and known fish, who died 198 years ago of fin rot and whose body immediately vanished from public view. This theory has been widely dismissed as senseless.
THE FEDIVERSE 101: THE HISTORY OF MINING
by Dr. J. E. Gottemult-Uneaeh
Welcome, fedizens, to this week's installment of The Fediverse 101, the one and only source for cultural insight in the galaxy – amazingly enough!
This week I was invited to Venus once again, as the Hobbs End School of Mines was giving a demonstration on new safety technique that I thought would be helpful for archaeological excavation. The shuttle trip from Cargon City reminded me that a significant amount of our galaxy's revenue and livelihood is built on mining. Once considered a degrading and dangerous form of work, it is now one of the largest sectors of trade and employment in the universe.
Mining has never been an easy job. The nature of the work itself has numerous repercussions. Even with our advances in technology, human workers are still used in the delicate work of extraction and resource development within the mines. The physical hazards, including high risks of serious injury or death, have diminished only slightly from the 1800s A.P. when mining first became wide-spread. The competitive nature of mining bureaucracy also contributes to violence from labor strikes and organized crime associated with the operations on numerous different worlds.
However, mining has an even darker side than the physical – the social world is also affected by this industry. Mining companies tend to originate on Earth, since it takes a substantial capital to start a company. When these Earth-based companies arrive, they mine in areas once controlled by the native peoples, such as the Venusians and Martians. An influx of non-native workers compete with the locals for jobs in the mines, knowing that the powerful mining unions can assure them good pay and health benefits. Earth-based companies tend to favor Earth native employees, leaving the native populations at a disadvantage, forming an underclass with the potential to create an explosive independence movement – such as the one gaining momentum on Venus at the present time.
Companies such as Hobbs End have taken steps to improve both their safety and hiring practices, but until the Galactic Administration steps into the picture to regulate hiring practices, mining will remain an Earth-dominated industry. The likelihood of any GA interference in business affairs of this nature is very low. Being headquartered on Earth, the GA has traditionally favored the interests of Earth natives and Earth companies over that of the outlying colonies, yet another reason that independence movements and independent colonies are growing in appeal. Would further government regulation of mining curb the growth of these movements? Only a change in GA policy would tell, and change in institutions always seems to move slower than a Harrier out of fuel.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed my ethnographic eye on the galaxy. Join me later for another edition of The Fediverse 101.
FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: POLITE GREETINGS
By Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
To Greet or Not To Greet
Helloooo Dahlings!!! Ho hum... another week, another dazzling list of parties, galas, and fundraisers that I have attended. I wish I could drag all you lovely dears with me to every party to meet the people I meet and see the things I see! Alas, my column this week does not pertain to any gala or party, but a discussion that took place in Fed II recently. I want to relate my views on the practice of greeting people over the comms when they enter DataSpace.
I have been asked if it is acceptable to greet every person who enters DataSpace. The question seems absurd at first. We are social creatures after all, aren't we? We certainly crave contact and friendship. Ask anyone if they want to be greeted by silence or a friendly hello. I would venture to say not many would want the former. On the surface, greeting someone on the open comm when they enter is a very friendly gesture, and one that in no way deserves any sort of questioning. However, there must be a distinction made between greeting someone on the comms, and greeting someone in person. It is more than appropriate to verbally greet someone when you meet them in person. Buffie says that this is one of her "must do's". But, are you truly meeting someone when they enter the game and not in the same place? You aren't necessarily meeting face to face like you would in CDs. If someone is walking away from you a quarter mile down the road, are you obligated to say 'Hi' even if they can't see you? Now, Buffie is not answering that question. Only each person can answer that one.
And, it seems some people have. And, answered it in the affirmative. They greet every person who enters the game, and each who is greeted must think it nice that they be greeted when they enter. The complaints from people arise when they have been in DataSpace for a while and have to 'endure' a greeting on the comms when someone new comes in. This reporter thinks that if that is their biggest complaint, they must have pretty easy lives. But, let's just be sure the greeting is honest. It is never acceptable to create and arm a trigger to greet an incoming person. This is similar to sending a pre-printed thank you note for a bridal shower. Totally unacceptable... well, in most civilized systems. But, in conclusion, no matter what we think of greeting over comms, one cannot dispute their general affection for the Fedizens by greeting every single person every time.
If you have comments or just want to drop me a note to let me know of upcoming events, please do so! Ta ta for now, Dahhhhhhlings!
THE ETIQUETTE OF LEAVING
by Hazed
We're a friendly bunch in Fed DataSpace. As our social columnist points out this week, we like to say hello when people log on, ask them how they are, all that small talk that human beings use to grease the wheels of social interaction.
And we like to say goodbye to people, too, when they leave. But so often, we are not given a chance.
I have noticed this happen many times recently: Someone says "Goodbye" on the comms and then vanishes from the player list, before anybody has a chance to say farewell to them. So a chorus of "See yas" echoes across the comms, but the person they are intended for can't here them because he is no longer there.
This is the equivalent of running out of the room at high speed, rather than sedately walking to the door. It's so very abrupt.
It's one thing to sneak off unannounced - maybe there's nobody in the game that you are friendly with, maybe you have said your goodbyes to those that matter via TB. But the comm and run approach seems so much more anti-social than not saying goodbye at all.
Come on guys, give your chums a chance to say goodbye to you. Tell everyone you're leaving, then wait a minute or so, so you see the goodbyes. Please!
BLOCKADE RUNNER CHAT: ANTONIA
With Blaze, Pirate Goddess of Fed II
Always in search of a story to be told within Fed II DataSpace, Blaze struck out in search of participants in last week's unfortunate sportster accident that killed Antonia and resulted in a lawsuit which names Diesel and the Galactic Administration as negligent.
Imagine Blaze's bliss to notice the victim herself, without the company of her lawyer, sitting in the Cantina while drowning her post-traumatic sorrows! She sprung into action to set up the lights and cameras, then rushed over to Antonia to buy her another round.
She flashes a smile at the camera and says, "Welcome to Blockade Runner Chat, where I interview different Fed II personalities on their views of the galaxy! This week, won't you please welcome the lady who won't be driving off in sportsters again any time soon... Antonia!"
Blaze checks Antonia over for broken bones and scuffs then inquires, "Are you feeling better since your death, Antonia?"
Antonia says, "I am still quite sore, and wondering why the sportster was there if it was that dangerous."
Blaze smiles for the cameras as she leans the microphone toward the unfortunate victim.
Antonia's attorney Satan arrives just then and Blaze snarls and stomps her feet at the unfortunate interruption!
Blaze exclaims, "I wasn't quite ready for you yet, Satan!"
Satan says, "I can wait. I've got all the time in the world, I am immortal."
Blaze smiles sweetly, "Then you won't mind one bit if I take your client to another locale and talk personally with her!"
Satan considers, "Well... I guess. But I am a lawyer, no slander." He moves to the bar, discusses something with the bartender, and grumbles, "Nobody wants to make a deal anymore..."
Blaze widens her eyes and asks, "You'd let your client speak to a journalist without your presence, Satan?"
Satan says, "I trust my client, and I do demand I review the article."
Antonia says, "I would prefer not to speak to journalists without attorney, though"
Satan nods, "I'm happy to join you."
Blaze looks deeply disappointed.
Blaze says, "Well in any case, back to the reason we are here tonight... Antonia's pain and suffering."
Satan says, "Yes, the accident is public record."
Blaze asks, "Where exactly did you find the sportster?"
Satan looks to his client, "Go ahead."
Blaze glares at Satan.
Antonia says, "On Mars, in the landing area"
Blaze asks, "And you mistook it for your own ship's shuttle or something?"
Satan asks, "I'm sorry, is this a cross-examination or an interview?"
Blaze looks affronted and, "I'm merely asking how the accident occurred. I'm intrigued that it was in the landing area."
Antonia says, "How would I mistake it for my shuttle? My shuttle is not a sportster. Well, it was near there. I was exploring at the time, and not entirely sure of the exact location"
Blaze smiles at Antonia with utter empathy.
Satan says, "I believe it was one of the defendants who recommended the sportster as an option, the owner of Chez Diesel."
Antonia says, "After the accident I did not really care about the location and I haven't been back there"
Blaze asks, "Oh so the vehicle was for sale and you took it for a test spin?"
Antonia says, "Do not remember a sale sign."
Blaze says, "I'm aware that your case comes to trial soon, so I will do my best to not let you incriminate yourself."
Satan says, "I don't believe the specific circumstances are relevant. The fact is Diesel recommended operation of the sportster despite, we contend, knowing what would occur. There is a well-known pattern of sportster accidents in the area, a pattern the GA does nothing about, and a pattern Diesel conveniently forgot to mention."
Blaze asks, "Why do suppose that is?"
Satan says, "Why the GA does nothing? Negligence, maybe. Possibly they're too frugal to protect their citizens."
Blaze smiles and asks, "Do you believe that Ms. Diesel had a motive when recommending that your client drive it?"
Satan says, "Why Diesel recommended a dangerous vehicle of questionable origins? I frankly don't know, but I have no doubt it was intended to be malicious."
Blaze points out, "You'll need a motive when your case goes to trial, with all due respect, Mr. Satan."
Satan says, "Diesel will certainly explain her motives during the trial, though I've heard rumors of her sending a representative, which strikes me as odd."
Blaze asks, "A representative to testify on her behalf?"
Satan says, "Unconventional, yes, and I plan to file a motion to prohibit it."
Blaze asks, "Who is this rep?"
Satan says, "Keep in mind all I have heard are rumors, but my channels report it may be the demi-goddess Hazed."
Blaze narrows her eyes, her expression giving none of her suspicious thoughts away.
Satan says, "I find it almost comical that the defendant would think she could intimidate me with power. I am the Prince of Darkness, power means nothing to me."
Blaze asks, "What judge will be hearing your case?"
Satan says, "Likely Nightdroid, potentially another. That matter is still going through the court system. The law keeps it out of my control."
Blaze asks, "What are you specifically suing for in terms of compensation? The lass still has her rank, after all"
Satan says, "By law, the specific terms of the suit are sealed. But I can say that we are demanding a sizable sum as compensation for her extreme mental stress and serious injuries. Sizable enough to force her to at the very least mortgage, possibly even sell, her establishment."
Blaze turns to Antonia with a concerned expression and asks, "Are you extremely mentally stressed?"
Antonia says, "Due to the accident, yes. As previously stated, I have not returned to the location, and do not wish to. Physical therapy is not easy either"
Satan says, "I have a trained psychiatrist who will testify to that fact, as well as financial records that show her income has suffered as a result."
Blaze says, "Satan, you sound as if you have your own ulterior motive should Ms. Diesel be forced to sell her pub as a result of your suit."
Satan says, "Not at all, I have no need for a bar. I could easily demand repayment for a favor and take that bar. I merely try to give an idea of the scale of the suit without revealing any sealed information."
Blaze asks, "Has a trial date been set yet?"
Satan says, "No, not set in stone. It will be in the next few weeks but there has been no exact date that I have been informed of."
Blaze nods and thanks the both of you for taking the time to inform the public about this tragedy.
Antonia says, "You are welcome. I would hope that others do not suffer the same fate in the future."
Blaze smiles and pats Antonia's hand, noticing her splintered fingernails, obviously a result of the accident.
Satan says, "If you have any other questions, my office is also acting as her representative, please direct them there and my staff would be happy to reply."
Blaze asks, "And where is your office?"
Satan says, "To be frank, everywhere and nowhere. I am Satan. Ask and someone will arrive."
Blaze nods, exchanging cards with Satan.
Satan nods, "And if you need any... favors, my number is on the back. Your soul seems to be of value."
Blaze shakes hands with Antonia and Satan *winking at him* and runs off in search of other parties to the accident.
INNER WORKINGS: MEETING THE MANAGEMENT
by RTG1728
After the foul rebellion of some weeks past – in which your friend and humble reporter had no part – things at the Fed II Star office settled into routine and peaceful degeneracy. Nothing could be worse for a newsdroid whose well-being depends on a bi-weekly column that promises to delight the public with adventurous tales of the inner processes of this organization. You will no doubt understand how this reporter's fear of disassembly increased as the days passed, gentle readers. But this fear would soon be overshadowed by an event even more horrible than imminent destruction: a Meeting.
Thus it was that yours truly entered the meeting room with the dire hope that its fears of the Meeting were unfounded; perhaps The Management had finally decided to give it the prestigious position of fashion mannequin, or granted its request for a splendid pair of dangly rhinestone earrings to match its ensemble.
However, as those of you familiar with Meetings undoubtedly know, nothing good ever happens at one of these gatherings. This particular Meeting was particularly evil, as the already frightened staff of reporters was informed of the addition of a new advice columnist to its ranks: Satan.
This may come as a great surprise to many of our readers, as this publication is known for the integrity of its staff and the benevolent nature of its Editor and Persons of Quality. Indeed, even your unworthy friend RTG1728 was suspicious of this new arrival, and thought that Satan had perhaps lied on its job application. The Management, innocent and kind, could easily fall victim to its deceit.
So it was that this newsdroid set out to test Satan's credentials by seeking its advice. Upon asking it how a lowly reporter might best acquire certain film memorabilia, Satan answered the journalist, and said, "Skin for skin, yea, all that a droid hath will it give for exquisite alligator shoes."
What amazing advice! Who would have thought Satan would be so qualified to write an advice column? Only our Glorious Editor.
Thus, despite being warned by Management to not sign any document presented by the new employee, your dear RTG1728 signed an agreement to purchase from Satan those long sought-after and much-deserved earrings in exchange for a pittance. The ex-angel assured your narrator that the fine print was unimportant. Legal definitions and the like. Nothing about agreeing to give up possession of one soul. After all, a droid has no soul to sell. Right?
WWSD: WHAT WOULD SATAN DO?
Hello ladies, gentlemen, and et cetera, and welcome to the first edition of WWSD. I've had untold eons of experience in this world and others, so I have decided to give you all my priceless advice, as only I can.
Now for my first question.
Dear Satan,
I have two personas in Fed II. Is it sinful if they have romantic feelings for each other?
-Lonely on Lattice
Dear Lonely,
Yes it is. So my suggestion is that you should keep it up. Who could be a more perfect romantic partner than an alternate persona? You always know what each other is thinking, your partner will never bother you when you're busy, and neither will ever have an ill timed headache. The Prince of Darkness wholeheartedly approves, or I would if I still had a beating heart. There's absolutely no way it could ever lead to anything bad. I can't wait for the wedding!
-Satan
MYSTERIOUS WAREHOUSE FIRES DESTROY SOL STOCK
by our crime correspondent, Virl X Dupont
An outbreak of mysterious fires in warehouses all over the Solar System has been destroying stored goods, causing shortages of all kinds of items from basic necessities such as meat, fruits and textiles, to the luxury items musics and sensory amplifiers. Citizens are starting to worry about the prospect of being unable to fulfil their needs, and some shops are experiencing panic-buying as a result.
Until recently, local police forces were investigating each fire separately as an individual occurrence, without noticing the similar incidences on other planets. It wasn't until insurance assessors began commenting on how many warehouse fires they had been called upon to reimburse recently, that the pieces were put together, and police started to realise the problem was widespread. Now the Galactic Bureau of Investigations (GBI), the Galactic Administration's system-wide police force, has been called in to take over the investigations on all planets.
A source within the GBI told our reporters that so far, they are unable to discern any pattern to the widespread fires which seem to be breaking out at random, but that it is early days yet. We'll bring you updates on the fires, and the GBI's investigation, in subsequent issues of the Fed II Star.
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