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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate February 2004 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate February 2004 |
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INSIDE SCOOP |
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WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ALL THE MOBILES? There are no mobiles at all in Fed II right now, but even when mobiles do start to creep into the game, you are unlikely to see the same ones that you are familiar with from classic Fed. After all, about 100 years have passed in the interim. So, what did happen to the mobiles?
THE BUZZ: THE GRIEVING WIDOW Have you seen Charan lately? She's all in black, mourning the missing Wyldcat. It seems he left her penniless and without a word. After looking for weeks, she's finally given up and is now taking donations so she might live to the means of which she became accustomed. If interested, leave generous donations on the Charmed landing pad. Have you been missing items lately? The hidden cameras of Svaboda recently captured the following:
The Duchesse is launching a full investigation.
There has been an egregious lack of gossip this week. No big breakups, no catfights, no unforeseen health alerts. Get out there and stir things up!!
~*~ Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!
RUMORS PERSIST REGARDING ALTERNATE UNIVERSE Rumors are spreading like wildfire throughout the galaxy that citizens are being transported to some kind of alternate universe. Travelers claiming to have been to the alternate universe say that the place, while small, is expanding extremely rapidly. When questioned as to the conditions in this alternate universe, those claiming to have been there say that conditions are generally better than in this reality. Rumors about the conditions there range wildly, from no unemployment, to even people being immortal while there! When challenged about the existence of an alternate universe, a spokesthing for the Galactic Administration denied that all knowledge of such a place. The spokesthing went on to say that any citizens traveling to alternate universes were traitors, and deserved whatever they find. In the meantime, galactic census does seem to indicate that the galactic population is dwindling faster than average rates. This newsdroid will only say this: If there is such a place, and if everyone is going to be going there, the last person left in the galaxy had best remember to put out the lights... As always, the Chronicle will keep you updated as further information is gathered.
GALAXY'S LARGEST BLOG COMPLETED Quanticon Databank Complex – Orbiting Rigel IV Researchers working on the Omniblog announced today that the galaxy's largest and most complete blog is finally ready to be brought online. The project has taken fifteen years and cost nearly 87 quadrillion IGs so far, but promises to change the face of galactic communications. According to Project Co-Director Ronald Bermuda the Omniblog will, "finally gather all the far-flung stream of consciousness weblogs into one single, ultra-massive store of meaningless information." For centuries now, blogs have proliferated wherever there was a lack of poorly-written, irrational rantings that nobody wanted to read. The growing strain of all this useless information had begun to worry cyber-archivists, who were trying to index and manage a body of data that was spiraling wildly out of control. Dr. Harriet Todd, an information scientist at Mars University, summed up the problem, "the ratio of useful information to junk, what we call in communications theory the signal to noise ratio, was becoming so small that the medium was practically useless for actual exchange of information. It was as if you were trying to hear a speaker discuss physics in a football stadium while everyone else there was talking about their boils, whether they prefer crisps or biscuits, the lousy movie they saw last night, et cetera. It was an impossible situation." When the Intergalactic Cyber Net search engine, Infisearch finally ground to a halt twenty years ago due to the massive load placed upon it filtering and indexing all the random information, the government decided to back the creation of the Omniblog. With the launch of the Omniblog, all irrelevant personal rambling will be housed in one information space. The memory bank begins with a base memory of 560 Yottabytes, but its unique quantum aggregation matrix allows more data to be added as needed. The additional benefit to the galaxy is that as data beyond the original core memory is aggregated, the Omniblog will steadily increase in mass towards a point where it will literally collapse to a
DEAR BUBBA: MY FLIRTING BOYFRIEND Dear Bubba, My boyfriend and I have been playing Fed for over 4 years now. As much as I try to keep him happy, he still flirts with every girl he sees. This is starting to bother me a lot. What can I do to keep his attention on me? Signed, Dear Worried, Don't fret. My dog has been chasing cars for years. If he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it, either! Love,
So I was finally informed of this new universe floating around, which I'm sure was completely unintentional and unrelated to the fact that nobody wanted me ruining that one too. I decided to once again put on the Bjork swan and wander around, and I discovered Chez Diesel, my old stomping grounds (by which I mean the place I didn't move from for well over a year and a half, probably much more), was under renovation. The pianist wasn't pianisting... pianoing... doing his thing, Diesel wasn't wielding a bat, the fountain was drained, it was horrible. Ruining tradition, a landmark of the universe! And furthermore, they moved my chair a good 18 inches to the left! So what's a guy to do? A guy such as myself, with wit, genius, wealth, charisma, and modesty? Then it hit me, like an aluminum baseball bat... or maybe that was the guy with the bat, apparently people still remember me. At any rate, the idea came to me. I'll buy Chez Diesel! Back in the old days I was there as much as the owner herself, which, along with the fact that my name starts with the same letter, therefore keeping the acronym constant, makes me the ideal candidate to be the owner and operator. Chez Danny! It's perfect! So I need the name of her real estate agent, or the crime family that has title to the establishment, along with a rough price. I swear on one or more of the holy books I don't believe in that I will do my best to keep the tradition alive, and probably not burn it down for the insurance money.
Editor's Note: we put Danny's offer to Diesel, and when she stopped laughing hysterically, she picked up her baseball bat and asked us if we knew where Danny could be found. At that point, we made a strategic withdrawal!
A FOWL FIEND RETURNS It was a quiet mellow night in the DataSpace of Federation II; the Lucky Seven regulars slugging back some Diesel's Old Peculiars, a few haulers keeping the economy afloat. Suddenly the reverie of peaceful comm units was shattered with a single transmission.
Flair reached for her "block" button, Jazir reached for his twin lasers (out of habit, of course), and Gwarrior reached for the barbeque sauce. Terror and a potential meal had struck the Sol spacelanes in one solitary moment! This diligent reporter immediately transmitted a background request to DFS (Department of Fedland Security), and discovered some startling information on our new friend Psychochicken. My sources inform me that this raucous hen was seen last by GEnie Fedizens in 1994, when she was known galaxy-wide for her provocative breasts, but most of all for her vengeful slaughters in the Arena. Public newspaper accounts detail her involvement in a lurid love affair that turned fowl and resulted in her demented mental condition, murdering dozens until mysteriously disappearing into an abyss. Another source discloses that Psychochicken has, in fact, spent the last ten years at an infamous chicken ranch, just recently flying the coop during a harrowing police raid. Taking a wrong turn at an asteroid field, she stumbled into our galaxy once again. Ten years later, her lusty looks have faded a bit and her feathers have thinned, but she's crazier than ever and must be approached with utmost caution. The embargo on weapon imports has left us all defenseless against her wiles, but Psychochicken also is seemingly unarmed. It remains to be seen if ten years has deteriorated her combat skills, or will she chicken out against the likes of some of Sol's best warriors? Will civil war erupt over escalating disputes on Barbeque versus Baked versus Fried? Personally, I like my chicken jerked.
DEAR BUBBA: FED ANCESTRY Dear Bubba, Recently, I had the chance to go time traveling with a Baroness that wanted to promote to Duchess. The trip made me think of my ancestors, and where it is that I came from. I would dearly love to research my family's ancestry, but I am a simple Captain, and cannot afford the money it would take to do the extensive research necessary. Do you have any suggestions? Signed, Dear Mutt, Yes. Run for public office. Everything you ever could possibly want to know about your family's history will be made available faster than you can blink. Cheers,
THE BUZZ: FIGHTING EVENT DEAD-DEATHS What's going on here? There were a couple of Double Deaths in fighting events. First Faolan went out on Golgotha then Charan was a victim of Hell. Is this a sign of things to come? Luckily all of the multiverse tends to unite in a crisis, so expect to see the ladies back to where they were in no time flat! What's love got to do with it? February is the month for love and cupid. However cupid is dreadfully amiss from the multiverse. Even the bar boards have no declarations of love. There have been no invitations for weddings of the century stuffed into my holobox. From the looks of it, Love has left us. Can this be? Mayhap we can bring back the mushy emotion. Make February the month to make sure those nearest and dearest to you know how you feel! There is something amiss in the duchy of Jeep. Apparently, Duke Doppelganger has been accumulating a very large abundance of old earth relics called 'cars'. Cited by Ming for the excess, Duke Doppelganger claims that he is trying to recycle and refurbish the automobiles but has so far been unsuccessful. Remember when?
Since this time, the Emperor CattySue has vanished from DataSpace. Some believe that Ming got rid of his rival causing her untimely demise. Others believe that CattySue and Ming ran off together and are holed up happily living off siphoned profits from the system and will probably remain there for the rest of their lives. It's time for a new Emperor! Therefore, election time is upon us. Send me your ballot for who should replace the missing in action emperors and I will publish the results. Remember, YOUR vote can change the multiverse! ~*~ Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!
ALSATIAN'S NO PLANET REVIEW: SPECIAL CANINE COMMANDS Dear Bella, Thank you for implementing the following set of Special Canine Senatorial Commands in Fed II. I'll do my best to keep them a secret. ROLLOVER: Logs player in and out of Fed until each active player with a 69 reward has had an additional 27 reward placed on his or her head. Be sure you are pretty have plenty of groats before executing this command. FLUSH: Useful whenever players decide to take a shower. Probably the most effective but least used command in the new command set. INTERFACE: The interface command was actually introduced into Fed in 1996 by Bella. Beta Testers refused to stop testing, so this command was not widely distributed. My update includes INTERFACE LEG for galactic canines wanting to participate in a little leg loving with human species in Dataspace. MARK playername's SPACESHIP: Teleports a canine to the LP of playername, and leaves a conspicuous puddle stain on the hull. DIG: Adapted from other on-line games, the dig command allows vertical progress downward from the current position of the player. Options include a dig level, sling factor, and mud retention for later ventures into CDs. COVER: Used in conjunction with the DIG command, this allows the player to snert puzzle objects in Sol and hide them discreetly. DRAIN: Simultaneously pulls the plugs in all the hot tubs in Fed, resulting in mass flooding and many players caught naked and shivering in compromising positions. RENAME: Used with two parameters. All instances of the first parameter found in player names are replaced by the second parameter. For instance, RENAME WOLF SLUG results in playernames of GREYSPACESLUG and SLUGYN. Likewise RENAME CAT NAKEDRATMOLE results in a playername of KARISNAKEDRATMOLE. Does not work with any playernames that include the letters A, L, S, A, T, I, A, or N (in that order). UNBANG: Resets fighter triggers so that they no longer xt a BANG! BOOM! Or KABOOM! When they shoot down an opponent. Instead the text they transmit reads: I WANT MY PLANET REVIEWED! NAG: This one emails every newsdroid and event host in Fed with a reminder that their articles are late. It automatically produces a signature of a certain demi-goddess.
RICHARD RETURNS Emperor Richard, Pretender to the Imperial Throne of Fed Dataspace, amongst much celebration today, officially announced that he was willing to take up the burden of ruling Fed II DataSpace. In front of a crowd, estimated at 4.2 million stevedores and 7 assorted commanders and captains from around the Solar System, Emperor Richard offered hope for the future and longer tea breaks. The Imperial Compound was surrounded by giant plasma screens, so that the masses could see his Imperial visage. In his 44 minute speech, the Emperor said absolutely nothing. (He is just a goldfish, after all.) But nevertheless, the crowd was riveted and cheered every four to five minutes. Afterwards, during the Emperor's Question Minute, Captain Paladin asked if Emperor Richard supported the Church of Saint Pegasus. The Emperor took the question under advisement and his spokesdroid issued an official, "no comment". At the end of the rally, bumper stickers and buttons were handed out, and the crowd dispersed. The stickers proclaimed the Emperor's campaign slogan - Emperor Richard: Leading DataSpace to a bright tomorrow without actually saying or doing anything.
DEAR BUBBA: MEN FRIENDS Dear Bubba, Why is it that when you are nice and polite to a man they take it the wrong way? Whatever happened to becoming friends? Why does it seem that all men think you are after them? Signed, Dear Confused, Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. (After the famous Terran Evacuation imposed by the Greyites, after they came into global power, in the mid 21st century - old calendar.) If you are truly interested in pursuing a friendship, learn to speak Martian. Love,
THE BUZZ: A NEW RELIGION Is the multiverse ready for a new religion? First we had the Green One, St. Geiiga. Then there was the church of Danny. We've also experienced the Religion of Cen. Now there is a new religious leader trying to lead the masses.
No word yet as to what his religion encompasses or how much you have to pay to be involved. Is it true?? Rumor has been circulating that the infamous Onyxgod has been reincarnated. Looking around the Multiverse I wondered who could be a sinister, as slimy, as devious, as damn good looking and there was only one that fit the bill. So I did what any good reporter would do on a hot scoop and kidnapped the guy... er, bunny with the help of the esteemed Duchess of Glenlion who was horrified and secretly excited that she might be married to the new EVILNESS. Keeping him hidden in the cargobay of my spaceship, many DNA and other complicated studies were carried out, at least that's what my crack scientists were telling me to justify the exorbitant bill they handed over. At any rate, the results were somewhat inconclusive, but my gut tells me this: Mashimaro IS the reincarnate of Onyxgod. I suppose now I will have to release him from the bowels of my ship so he can once again wreak havoc on DataSpace. ~*~ Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!
SCIENTISTS SAY NEANDERTHALS WERE NOT HUMAN BUT MARTIAN Dr. Jennifer, Chief Space Proctologist at Castillo University, reported research results Saturday suggesting that Neanderthals were not human. Based on these findings, Science Administrator Paul Wacker of the Galactic Administration has determined the true origin of the Neanderthal. "The source of the cranial structures we see in the Neanderthalian skull is unquestionably Mars," said Wacker. "Science thrives because of the crackpots," said Dr. Jennifer, "I applaud Administrator Wacker's dedication to research. Though I can't honestly say I agree with his conclusions. All indications are that Mars has never sustained any form of higher life. Add to this the chance that anything would survive a trip from the Red Planet and we're left with an inescapable conclusion." Wacker remains convinced. "The lower forehead would allow for the greater radiation exposure they experienced on their home planet. The wider jaw would accept a larger quantity of vegetable matter, necessary due to the reduced photosynthesis activity," he explained. "If other scientists will allow prevailing views of Martian history to cloud their thinking, that is for them to decide. But from where I am standing, the facts are clear." "By that same measure," said Harvard Paleontology Professor Stephen J. Gould XII, "a goodly number of people I see at the grocery store are probably Martians. I'm afraid it takes a bit more than a skull to make the leap from Earth to Mars." An upcoming issue of the science magazine International Geographic will contain an article detailing Dr. Jennifer's work. It will not, however, contain a reference to Wacker's Theory.
DEAR BUBBA: COMPUTER VIRUSES Dear Bubba, Have you all ever gotten one of those computer viruses in your machines? I hear they are dreadful and have knocked out entire systems and crashed many a hard drive. What can you do to protect yourself from these awful critters? Signed, Dear Concerned, There are a number of virus-catching software programs out there that catch almost everything – and they are highly recommended. However, here are a few they can't seem to catch: OnyxGod Virus – Files disappear, and then reappear a year later, in another directory. Galactic Administration Virus – Divides your hard drive into thousands of little units, all of which do nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Luxury Liner Virus – You go to Earth... your data goes to Callisto. Politically Correct Virus – Refers to itself as an electronic micro-organism.
AN INTERVIEW WITH A CHAMPION Since the return of Galactic Lost and Found, the event has had a undefeated champion - Fancy has squashed many a competitor, and had narrow victories over others. Every time he plays, he wins. I have asked players to come en masse in an attempt at ending his rule, and some have tried. A few weeks ago I asked him if he would be available for a short interview that would give insight into his strategy and weaknesses. So, those of you who want to overthrow Fancy's constant victory here the master spills his secrets.
Well, I have explored and remembered quite a few planets from my Fed career. And remembering various planets I have visited and where I found puzzle objects has helped me in narrowing down places to search for various items that come up in Galactic Lost & Found. I would say that my prior exploring, and good memory help greatly. I've noticed that you tend to stick to the same planets, often you start with Scratchwood, Deep, and Cabbage. Is this part of your strategy? Well, those are planets I have explored, and done the puzzles, where they have puzzles. They each have quite a few objects on them, and often at least one of the objects fits at least one of the categories. I find that helpful, to be sure. You have a excellent memory indeed and your knowledge of the planets is supreme. But, do you feel you have any weaknesses as a player? What could a rival contestant do to throw off your game? Sometimes I feel I don't know as many of the other players as others in Fed do. A rival contestant would have to grab the easy objects quickly, or rare objects of which there are only a few that satisfy one of the categories. But of course, I'm pretty quick myself, and know where to find many of those. And some players know other planets far better than I do. As I mentioned before, you stick to a few key planets right off the bat. If someone were able to knock off those planets, or many of those planets, before you got to them, would this phase you? I know of some other planets that I have explored, and have objects that I could go to instead if some of my old standbys got closed before I could use them. Felinity and Tiempo are a couple other planets with puzzles, and therefore objects on them. They are a couple of other planets that I keep in mind. My attention originally got drawn to them when they won Walrus of Merit Awards. And sometimes there will be a recent puzzle planet open where I have tried the puzzle, and found some of the objects, and remember that one of them could fit a Lost & Found category. And of course, there's my own planet, which I know intimately. And Antonia's planet. How would you recommend other players beef up their planetary knowledge? -- Is it as simple as walking around the planet, or do you feel you need to actually do the puzzle and feel very familiar with it? The best way would be to explore other planets. Walk around them, check them out as thoroughly as you can. Often there will be objects on them, but not on all planets. I've often wonder if you keep a list, a catalog of planets and objects - it really is just your memory? I don't necessarily feel that I have to have done the puzzle on a planet, if the planet has a puzzle, to feel comfortable enough to use the planet. Sometimes there are objects without puzzles, as far as I can tell. It really is pretty much all my memory. Who do you think is the greatest competitor in the game? Who are you most worried about beating you? Well I know Jazir is a great competitor in both cerebral and fighting events. He does host the Magellan Cup, I know, so he's certain to regularly explore various worlds. Maximuszan and Halia have proven to be good competitors in Magellan Cup as well, so I think they've explored some of these worlds, too. Of course in Magellan Cup you also have clues pointing you to the planets to find your goals. I'd have to be worried about a competitor who has explored numerous planets and knows them well, including where to find a whole bunch of objects. It all comes down to familiarity with planets. -- I'm sure competitors of Fedpardy study for the game, they read the Chronicle and the latest Meet and Greet. -- What you're suggesting is that, for people to win, they need to do their homework? Pretty much. Familiarity with a bunch of planets is a big help. They might not be able to stop me from finding objects on the planets I know well already, but they might be able to find things that fit the categories more quickly. Particularly familiarity with a bunch of planets that have objects. You've been very generous with telling your strategy and skills relating to Galactic Lost and Found. Do you have any closing thoughts? Well, I enjoy the challenge of Galactic Lost & Found and trying to come up with items that fit your categories. Indeed I have been pretty good at it so far. If we get someone else just as good, I think we'll find Galactic Lost & Found becoming REALLY exciting. Thank You, Fancy. Fancy has stressed the importance of familiarity with planets. Study the planets, and you will have greater odds of winning. As I mentioned, Fancy is particularly familiar with Cabbage, Deep, Scratchwood, and official puzzle planets. It is a good idea to study these planets for Galactic Lost and Found, I believe that if players can beat Fancy to his favorite planets, it will throw him off and slow him down. Being familiar with these planets will not only give you a leg up in Galactic Lost and Found, but will help with other events such as Fedpardy and The Magellan Cup. Knowledge is power in Cerebral Events. Galactic Lost and Found runs every other Thursday at 10.00pm eastern. We meet on the Moon Landing Pad and on Channel 10. Happy Exploring!
MARTIAN FASHION WEEK: SPECIAL REPORT All eyes were on the catwalks this week, as the season's new fashions were displayed in Martian Fashion Week. Up and coming new modiste Fallopia Gibletti took full advantage of the new nano-tech chameleon suits, which she programmed to switch with every step taken by the models. The result was a kaleidoscope of styles, echoing fashions from as far back as the 2100s. Some hailed this achievement as magnificent, although a minority stated that the flickering of the constantly changing clothes gave them a headache. Going completely retro, top couturier Adrian Carbuncle based his new lines on the ancient fashions of the 20th century. Among the highlights of this elegant collection were a floral frock, worn with silver platform boots, and a pillbox hat complete with veil; shocking pink hotpants and workman's boots with a white high-necked blouse and a tin helmet; and his piece de resistance, a full-length kilt in traditional cyan, magenta and yellow plaid, worn with a skimpy chain-mail bikini, and the whole finished off with the daring addition of a stuffed vulture on the head. A triumph! Sero Sarandra Sassoon decided to do something very different this year, by presenting her new collection entitled Outfits for Aliens. Her skirts come with an optional slit up the back for tailed citizens, she provides a bustier with a variable number of cups, and her bell-bottom trousers come in a many-legged version. We predict that these will sell well on the outer planets. But the star of the week was top designer Leeq Clogmox, who announced to the Galaxy that "transparent was the new black". His collection followed that theme, being so transparent as to be completely invisible. Taking his inspiration from an ancient pre-spaceflight Emperor, Leeg was applauded for his daring and bold vision which demonstrated the ultimate see-through nature of the exterior masks we all hold up to hide our inner selves. His magnificent exhibition was, however, marred by one drunken member of the audience who kept shouting out that the models were naked, before being escorted from the premises by security droids.
DEAR BUBBA: GOOD HEALTH, BAD HEALTH Dear Bubba, These health care professionals have really got me confused. First they say that something is good for you, then they say it's bad, for you. Then it's good for you again, then bad for you again. What's the scoop? Signed, Dear Puzzled, The thing you need to remember is that these are highly trained and well experienced men and women. They know what they are talking about. For instance, I was just looking over the latest research results and found out a few astonishing things. Did you know that it has been determined that research causes cancer in laboratory rats? Also, according to a recent survey, it was determined that 90% of dead people had eaten carrots... 80% had eaten potatoes at least once... 98% of them had eaten bread... and nearly 100% of them drank water!! It boggles the mind... Love,
THE BUZZ: THE RETURN OF DARKENSI Darkensi has made a mouthy return to the multiverse. Apparently the last time he was cloned, the scientists tired of his braggadocio manner decided to freeze his DNA instead of reclone him. Luckily for him, the secretary was being a little rambunctious with the scientist on duty and his test tube was knocked over into the recloning area. And so he's back and being more of a braggart than normal. Making a challenge to all warriors, he's declared himself the Messiah of Madness, the Avenger of Warriors and the Fury of Hell. He has issued challenges to all current fighters that he will reign supreme over the fighting league. Does this mean the birth of yet another religion in DataSpace? Nevertheless, come out to Golgotha and Hell to either throw your support behind the self appointed champion or laugh heartily when he is handed his toe tag. Has Fancy lost his MIND? The news is boggling to say the least, but Fancy has traded in his number two pencil for twin lasers. Becoming a known entity at the fighting events, it seems Fancy is losing his grasp on being the champion of the cerebral league. Losing Fed Libs this week may be just the beginning. The Czarina is hunting for the WolfPackDuke. Apparently the Duke, missing the Czarina greatly and wanting to punish her for her absence from his harem, decided to play a nasty trick on her. Returning from parts unknown, Zyphr unloaded her gear into her great room to find a hastily pawed note tacked to her chair. In it, Greyspacewolf babbled about this and said his final farewells. Following bloody footprints down the stairs, the Czarina collapsed in horror as she found his trusty Arix knife. Of course since the thefts on Svaboda, high quality camera equipment had been installed so the Czarina quickly made her way back to her office clutching the knife close to her breast, heart in her throat. Quickly replaying the footage, the Czarina witnessed the following:
Hastily typing into her console she found that in fact the WolfDuke only meant to scare her with his evilness. Therefore she has vowed that when she finds him she will flay him alive. Cossacks were sent forth with the following message:
~*~ Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching, and will NOT be censored!
ALSATIAN'S NO PLANET REVIEW: BACK TO COLLEGE This last month I was asked to speak at the commencement exercises at my old alma mater, Fetchburg State College. Nestled in the rolling hills of Gimmeapaw, Massachusetts, this private academy specializes in grooming canines for success. Their motto still rings in my ears: Come, Sit, Stay, Roll Over and Get Your Belly Scratched. As I looked out at the eager young graduates assembling for the ceremonies, I was reminded of my tenure at the school. I too was once a young, slobbering, scratching student – cutting classes and taking advantage of every opportunity to chase some tail or quaff down a bowl or two of ale, waking the next mid-day with splitting head and a pair of stolen panties draped over one ear. When I did make it to class I learned a lot. The first year we worked our way through classes such as Beginner's Begging and Chasing 101: Balls, Cars, Your Own Tail. I elected to enroll in Sniffing as a Second Language, but had to drop the course when I developed a nasty cold half way through the semester. The required history core class I chose was Tracking Mud Through the Ages, and for science I completed Dynamics of Digging and Pooperscooperology. We learned practical applications in classes such as Identifying the Mail Carrier and Holding It In Until Someone Gets Home. I did well in school, but did have to repeat Comparative Chewing in order to beef up my grades. And I once sat in line with a group of graduate candidates and totally ignored the commencement speaker, as I knew these canines were about to do. Instead of addressing the hounds, I catered my message to Those That Pay For Obedience School. The graduates had received four years of top-notch training and were about to be awarded their Bachelor of Fine Arfs, but sometimes the Masters needed a bit of teaching too. Just in case you own a dog that has a GPA to challenge yours, I've included a few tips from my speech!
The highest award a planet can receive is the coveted Walrus of Merit Award. Also given out is the Carpenter Award, for planets which don't quite fall in the best-of-the-best category, but are still pretty good and well worth checking out. Winners of planet design awards will receive a one-of-a-kind hand tooled certificate proclaiming their planetary design prowess as well! Past reviews of Walrus and Carpenter winning planets can be found in the Federation Archives at http://www.ibgames.net/archives/fed/index.html.
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