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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate September 2003 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate September 2003 |
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INSIDE SCOOP |
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What was in September 2003's Inside Scoop:
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SCANDAL HITS FEDPARDY AS MS P CLAIMS HIGH SCORE Priscilla, the well-known cheer-leader and fashion queen of Fed, has hit the headlines again as his life becomes embroiled in scandal. It all started with this week's Fedpardy, which Ms P won by a mile, with the huge score of 36 points. This, he stated, was an all-time record, the highest score ever achieved in Fedpardy, and he claimed that he deserved some kind of official recognition from the Galactic Administration. Or a gold star from Hazed. Or something! And he was going to scream and scream until he was awarded what he deserved. But it didn't take long for the nay-sayers to crawl out of the woodwork and denounce Fed's favorite drag queen. First there were statements that 36 was not the highest ever score, and that Priscilla had sexed up his claim; but since there are no official records of individual scores in events, there's no way of knowing if it's true or not. Then things got uglier. Clearly the alternate crowing and screaming emanating from that well-lipsticked mouth was really irritating people, as Fedders started queuing up to accuse Priscilla of various nefarious deeds. There were a variety of claims, all rubbishing the high score. One said the scoreboard had been tampered with: Priscilla actually only scored 6 points, not 36, but had used some kind of alien technology to change the digital display. A less high-tech accusation was that he bribed Fancy to award him extra points in the event, thus ensuring not only a win, but also the points record. Nobody has suggested what Fancy might have been offered to compromise his long-running event in this way, and the cat himself was not answering questions from reporters. It has also been suggested that Priscilla stole a copy of the Fedpardy answers in advance of the event, so he could research the subjects and make sure he had the correct questions to hand. Conspiracy theorists have come up with a variation on that accusation. They claim that when listening to a tape of the event, some suspicious coughs from an audience member are clearly audible. These were, it is alleged, made by Priscilla's accomplice, who used a code that had been worked out previously to signal the correct answers to the contestant. However, no-one knows the identity of this coughing conspirator. We sent a newsdroid to question Priscilla about these accusations, but were unable to get anything coherent out of him except for screamed denials. The droid is now undergoing maintenance to remove the 5" stiletto from its head which was propelled with some force by the angry Priscilla!
THE BUZZ Duke Cen has returned and although he smells a bit like mothballs and cats, he has been welcomed back with open arms. If you would like to visit Greyhaven, you must follow one simple rule. The apathetic Duke does not enjoy fly by hugs, but demands fly by fondles instead. So the next time you're out hauling, make a detour to and fondle Duke Cen! --BREAKING NEWS-- Okay, so it's a little late. Maybe I should go through the inbox in a timelier manner, but as it was from Hazed, better late than never!!
Unfortunately, the silence didn't last for long! Anyone seen Pouncer??
~*~ "It's this spot on my Hawaiian shirt," the old man said. "What do you mean?" asked the groundhog. The old man said, "My name is Ops, I'm an old Duke, I have a whole planet, the fastest ship in the system and I was just talking to a beautiful girl named Tiki, when I asked her: your planet or mine?" The groundhog said, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed of in life. What are you sitting on this bench crying?" "Because," said Ops through his tears, "she pointed at me and said Smudge, then just walked off!" Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!
ALSATIAN'S PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR NEW PLANET OWNERS Hello Squire [insert name of new PO here], And welcome to the wonderful world of being a planet owner. Congratulations on your brand new world, [insert name of new planet here]. I am sure you are in for many years of pleasure and profit as you embark on your career as a PO. What you may not know, Squire [insert name of new PO here], is how the Federation Chronicle can benefit you as a new planet owner. The planet affairs section of our newspaper can help bring visitors to your planet, for trade and profit, and for tourism and prestige. Sounds peachy, doesn't it? I bet you'd like to know how! Well, we can help you in two ways. First off, when your planet is first onlined, our trained operative Ashkellion will visit your world to see what kind of a place it is, and give it a brief mention in the Chronicle. This announcement will serve to inform the citizens of the Galaxy that your world [insert name of new planet here] is now open for trade, and that you, [insert name of new PO here], are now a Squire. But that's not all. We can do so much more for you. If you're the kind of Squire that likes to customize your planet, not happy with a standard water or rock mini - and let's face it, does the Galaxy really need any more beach planets? - then once you have completed your construction works, you can request a full review from the roving review dog, the Dishonourable Alsatian. The Canine Senator will explore your planet thoroughly and write up a report which will be published in the Federation Chronicle. And what's more, if your world meets his expectations, he'll leave behind one of his special awards. But wait - can you believe that there's even more? It's true! In a brand new initiative, if you do win one of Alsatian's awards, you will also receive a unique, one-of-a-kind, hand-tooled certificate proclaiming your expertise in the field of planetary design. Think how impressed all your friends will be, Squire [insert name of new PO here], when they see the certificate hanging on your wall and realise that your planet [insert name of new planet here] has won an award. So don't delay! As soon as you've given your planet one last proof-read, fire off your review request to SavageAlsatian@aol.com, and you could win an award.
THE BUZZ Wedding bells have been ringing throughout DataSpace again. Thane Pharell of Remix charmed his Duchesses to marry him in a very brief ceremony. Not too long afterwards, rumors of the Materialboi and the Apathetic Duke's impeding nuptials began to circulate. Maddonaboi's current wives could not be reached for comment. Another Galinfenner, er, sinister plot has been uncovered. For centuries it has been understood that Icedrake was the devourer of planets. Recent events have proved that theory is untrue. Planets started slowly disappearing over the last few months and investigations were underway but inconclusive. Just recently, the Wolf Duke decided to reGENESIS his planet. The following is an excerpt of a recording found near a broken droid found on the crossroads of Mercury :
As investigations ensued, Galinfenner, having a little bit too much scotch, became very loose lipped:
Galinfenner is being sought for questioning in the matter along with Felina, whom he fingered as his accomplice. ~*~ Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!
ALSATIAN'S RULES I'm always on the lookout for new places to hide out while I'm dodging planet review requests or ditching Dr. Fogg's School of Canine Obedience and Neutering. This last one looked very promising – who would think to wade through the bloody gore of that old altar on Mars to track me down? It wasn't a planet owner or Fogg that found me, but Hazed herself. She must have done some magic demi-goddess type stuff to transport me from my nifty hidey-hole to the hospital on Earth. There she snagged me by the scruff of the neck and sent me straight to Dr. Fogg's detention facility. In detention I'm supposed to take chalk in paw and write out the latest list of rules 500 times a day. The list has grown so long I have to use the streets of Earth as my chalkboard. Here are a few new ones Dr. Fogg and Hazed have added: 1. I will not eat Felina's food, either before she does or after she throws it up. 2. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box. Although they are tasty, they are not food. 3. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it is not usually a good thing. 4. The cleaner is not stealing my stuff. 5. I will not come into CDs and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 6. I will not play tug-of-war with Ashkellion's underwear when he is in the loo. 7. The loo is not a bar, and toilet water is an acquired taste not appreciated by everyone. 8. The cloth of the bar booths is not a face towel, and neither is Hazed's lap. 9. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying "Hello". 10. I will not roll on dead tingueys, marsrats, or groundhogs just because I like the way they smell. 11. When in my ship, I will not insist on having the window rolled down. Bella says there's a vacuum out there.
THE BUZZ Cleaning droids united this week to make the message boards, well, cleaner. The head cleaner complained of all the smudging, paw prints, scratches and just generally bad posts. Notice their work when you visit your favorite bar or restaurant. "The bad news is," one droid lamented, "it will be all messed up again tomorrow." Galinfenner and Felina are still being investigated for their involvement in the disappearance or altering of planets. This week, another planet disappeared. As this was a capitol planet, many scrambled to find new links to hook into. The former duchess was unavailable for questioning, but some heard her scream "GALIN" just before the planet went poof. Owners of Planets have been cautioned to enter GENESIS with care and not to leave their planets unattended for extended periods of time. Czarina Zyphr, always eager to help out the cause, is renting out her Cossacks as body guards for a manageable fee. "There is obviously an issue here and people need protection. I allow them to pay me for that protection, and if they refuse, well..." If you need protection, TB Zyphr for information. Quietness descended on the multiverse this week. Looking for a real reason why people were quiet it was discovered that it was now hunting season.
~*~ Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!
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