Inside Scoop page 1

DEAR AUNTY JESS

by Jezz

Dear Readers,

As a member of the Newsdroid Team and the Moderator Team, people come to me all the time for help and advice. But you know, it's not all "How does the Phobos Buggy work?" and "Why isn't my meats factory making me rich?" Star readers have complex, delicate and heart-rending problems to cope with all the time. So this week I thought I would set up an advice column and share some of those questions that land in my Star mail slot in the hopes that they can help others.

Dear Aunty Jezz

I just feel so alone! Nobody ever visits my planet. It really is a great planet with lots of fun things to do. I lowered all my prices hoping that someone would come and trade with me at least. But nobody came. I wait in my exchange day after day for some sign that I'm not alone in the Universe. I'm giving up hope. And now, the final straw!.... even my planet deserted me! It just disappeared along with the entire shipment of meat flavored mouthwash I ordered from the shopping channel. Doesn't anybody like me? Is there anybody out there?

Lonesome and howling in the wilderness.

Dear Lonesome...

Apologies for the late reply, but this is my sixteenth attempt to get a message delivered to your exchange. The Galactic Mail Service is suing me for the loss of the other fifteen mail delivery droids that have entered your system never to return. I can only hope that the eleven fuel tankers that have also disappeared recently will not be linked to my attempts to contact you. After collating all the data from the 631 unmanned probes I've launched into your system over the last few days, I've come to the following conclusion. Your planet didn't disappear. I've pinpointed your position, relative to that of your planet and my calculations suggest that if you head east, down, west, west, northeast, out, up, south, south, southeast, north, in, north, up, east, northeast, north, west.... you'll be able to see your planet on long range sensors. The evidence also suggests that most of the people who were presumed to have left Federation space over the last few months are actually on your planet, having become lost and stuck there while looking for the exchange. Their chances of ever finding the launchpad again are remote so just try to gather them all up in one spot and you need never be lonely again.

Dear Aunty Jezz

I'm an alt who is artistic and sensitive. I'm really interested in the more spiritual side of life but my Main is constantly making me haul. It's depressing. I think I might be allergic to tachyons. I even broke a nail today. I don't care what's in my treasury. I feel I'm cut out for a more relaxed way of life but I don't know how to break this to my Main. Can you help me?

Under-appreciated

Dear Under

Stop whining and get back to work now or I'll cut your allowance.

Mia Cara Jezzeria

So... I am simple family uomo... yes? I was blessed by da' saints to have multo multo groats that I get by honest business practice and the loyalty of mi cecchino... er... my good friend, Luca. It is coming to my attention that a gruppo of these... these... weathermen, they waiting for me to promote myself and my family so they can attack my bella planet. So I say to myself... have I not always welcomed strangers? Is mi casa not open to all? Why these weathermen wanna do harm to my planet? So I send Luca to talk nice to dem. Make dem an offer they can't refuse, eh. But he come back to me saying he not find'em. So I aska you! Where I find these weathermen to make em the offer? I gotta some new boots for dem.

il Capo della Famiglia

Dear Capo

Obviously, you are a kind and loving person who only seeks a peaceful existence. It's so refreshing to hear from someone who really wants to listen to the other person's point of view and understand where they are coming from. I'm sure that if your friend is as thoughtful as you are, the meeting can only go swimmingly. I've done some research on your behalf, and found out that the leader of the weathermen group is named "Met" by his followers. So all you need to do is listen on comms for someone nicknamed Met, and send Luca to see him with the lovely new boots. Thank you for showing us all how a problem can be solved with thoughtfulness and generosity.

Dear Aunty Jezz

I'm having a recurring technical problem with Fed. My planet map keeps duplicating itself and I can't tell where I am anymore. There are two of every location! I've tried deleting the map file and re-mapping the planet. It seems to work ok in the morning but every afternoon it messes up again. Please help me! The bruises from walking into walls all the time are making me look like I'm spending all my time at the Entertainment Emporium!

Confused, Broken and Battered.

Dear Smashed,

After some painstaking research, I did manage to duplicate the problem, even though it will probably take me a few days to recover from the experience. Don't delete your map file anymore. Try not accepting any liquid libation from Caesar until well after lunch and stay out of the distillery for a while.

PS I'm enclosing the bill for supplies and post-research medication.

Dear Aunty Jezz

I'm sick and tired of being mistaken for a Zardoz Alt. I don't look anything like him or act anything like him. I've never understood why teh heck people think that! When is everyone going to get teh message that I'm my own person! And Lava Boy just encourages it! Oh, teh indignity of it all! I AM NOT AN ALT!

Mistaken Identity in Crisis.

Dear Mistaken,

Of course you should be appreciated for who you really are. It's perfectly natural to feel all this anger about such a personal subject. Just look at poor Zodraz. He thought he was the Main for a long time, so finding out that he was in fact an alt, and had it all backwards as usual, came as quite a shock. Eventually you'll be able to look at all this a lot more philosophically and gain some level of acceptance in your own right. Just beware of holding onto that anger to the point that it affects your relationships. People in denial often experience surges of rage when their fantasies are called into question. Oh yes... Zard says don't bring pretzels to the family game night again. They gave Ookla gas last time.

If you have a question you would like answered in the Star so that you can be humiliated and laughed at by the rest of Federation DatasSace, write to: Aunty Jezz's Advice Column, The desk at the back of the broom closet, Fed2 Star Office, Earth.

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