Inside Scoop page 1

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE HOUSE OF DOZ

Hi. My name is Zodraz. I'm not an alt, but I play one on TV. Quite a bit of attention has been given to shareholder disaffection, and planetary disaffection, but very little has been given to a third type of disaffection facing Federation characters. I'm talking of course about Alt Disaffection Syndrome, or ADS. ADS strikes 3 out of every 10 alts, and is a crippling condition. ADS sufferers experience the pain of neglect, loneliness, depression, and separation. ADS is one of the leading causes of double suicide and some researchers believe that it is responsible for more solar collisions than Galactic Customs.

The sad fact of the matter is that ADS is easily prevented. In the early days of an alt's life, attention is lavished upon him, her or it over each hauling job delivered, and each AK job completed. The alt is filled with a sense of triumph in obtaining the rank of merchant. But then the awful effects of ADS occur as the alt is then parked on a shuttle landing pad and kept idle, serving no purpose other than increasing the number of merchants active and speeding up the exchanges of the primary. Sadly, the primary does not talk to the alt, nor even smile, but instead lets them languish, outside, in the cold.

That is why we are encouraging all primaries to consider their alts, maybe smile at them, take them out for a tour of a planet, buy them a round at the bar, or even give them a hug.

I know that I will hug my alts today, will you? This has been Zodraz...

Zardoz: Uh... Zod?

Zodraz: Yes Zard, do you need a hug?

Zardoz: Zod, you're the alt. I'm the primary.

Zodraz: That's ridiculous. I'm a planet owner, you're a financier. I'm...

Zardoz: Yes Zod, I promoted you first. I wanted a large dividend. You are the alt.

Zodraz: But I remember coming of age in Fed, and a nice manufacturer helped me with my Trader Credits...

Zardoz: And what was his name?

Zodraz: It was... It started with a Z... OH NO!!! (Gasps) It was you!

Zardoz: Yes Zod. I was first.

Zodraz: Well, (Sniffs) I must have been second then...

Zardoz: No, you were third.

Zodraz: (Sobs) I was third? Who was second?

Zardoz: He died in a crash.

Zodraz: (Wails) I had a brother... and he died??? (Sobs uncontrollably)

Zardoz: Zod...

Zodraz: Zard?

Zardoz: Yes, Zod.

Zodraz: I need a hug.

Zardoz: Of course. (Hugs Zodraz)

Zardoz: Have you hugged your Alt today? Let's all work together to defeat ADS. Thank you.

This has been a Public Service Announcement of The Society for the Prevention of ADS, and The House of Doz.

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