Official News page 9

REAL LIFE NEWS: BOOZE MAKES YOU BRIGHT

by Hazed

Here's a suggestion to those trying to teach the cockroaches in the previous news story: get them drunk first. Because, according to new research by scientists at the University of Auckland, New Zealand, alcohol makes you clever!

At least, it does if you are a rat, because when Maggie Kalev decided to study the effect of drink on the brain-power of rats, she found that moderate daily alcohol intake conferred "heightened cognition" - in other words, they got brighter.

The rats were separated into three groups. Group one was put on a heavy booze intake, the equivalent to five or six beers a day. Group Two got the equivalent of one or two beers a day, such that they did not exceed the legal driving limit (as if that matters to rats, who are not noted for driving or using heavy machinery). Group Three, poor things, were left booze-less. What deprivation!

After four weeks, the rats were all tested to see how their brains had been affected. To nobody's great suprise, the heavy-drinking rats showed signs of impairment. But the amazing thing was, the moderately-drunken group trounced the teetotallers in every test.

So the conclusion is that moderate drinking is worse than no drinking. Hooray! But only moderate drinking - heavy drinking is even worse than no booze at all. Boo!

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