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DIGITAL CLOTHES MANAGEMENT SOFTWARE UPGRADE CAUSES FASHION PROBLEMS

by tech newsdroid Chip

Consumer groups are warning shoppers off the new upgrade to the nano-chameleon suit software after reports of embarrassing fashion faux-pas caused by faulty Digital Clothes Management software. The upgrade has introduced draconian new controls to combat piracy of the software, which the publishers say is costing them trillions of groats each year in lost revenues, but thousands of innocent shoppers who upgraded to the new version when it was released last week are now finding their clothing customization is not going as smoothly as they are used to.

The Digital Clothes Management function, in its attempt to prevent pirated copies of the software being installed into unlicensed nano-chameleon suits, checks that it is still being used by the registered person. If it detects any changes which lead it to suspect the software has been passed to somebody else, or loaded into a different suit, it will reduce the functionality of the clothing. What that means in practice varies on the circumstances, as you will see from this selection of case studies:

• Florella Franzipan, well-known fashionista and girl-about-the-planet, changed her hairstyle from a blonde feather cut to a black bob. The software assumed she was a different person, and reverted to the standard gray coverall. Ms Franzipan was unable to appear in public in such drab garb and her social life was ruined.
• Top Galactic Administration official Brinz Gallo, due to appear before an important tribunal discussing matters of intergalactic trade, was wearing new spectacles. When he used the clothing software to dress himself in his usual sombre business suit, it malfunctioned and clothed him in a clown's outfit, complete with big floppy shoes and hideously baggy pants. He was unable to speak at the tribunal and consequently his important contribution was not added to the weight of opinion being deliberated upon.
• Popular news anchor Slippett Fa Joraxopanian's suit malfunctioned and kept cycling through different outfits every few seconds while it was reading the evening bulletin, making it appear much less sincere: audience reaction was negative.
• During a live holo broadcast of the entertainment at a sporting event, leather-clad alien superstar Katrina Zxxrgvv accidentally exposed one of her milk glands to an aghast audience. Although this was later claimed to be a "wardrobe malfunction", it's believed the ultimate cause was actually the nano-chameleon clothing upgrade.

Even our very own editrix, Hazed, has been affected by this faulty software. We understand that when attending the premiere of one of the latest holos, as she paused on the red carpet to wave at her fans and allow the Galaxy's media to photograph her, her clothing software turned itself off completely, leaving one small child to shout out, "Look, the demi-goddess isn't wearing any clothes!"

This version of the Digital Clothes Management software has been dogged by controversy. Code-named Angus, it has been 5 years in the making, finally going on sale 3 years later than originally planned. And it's three times as big as the previous version, which is why so many users are having problems with it - it's too big to fit into the memory of the existing standard nano-chameleon suits that everybody wears.

Gigoware, the company who has released the clothing software upgrade, claims that there is nothing wrong with the software, and that the only people affected are those who have inadvertently found themselves with pirated copies. A spokesthing refused to admit that the problem is their responsibility and says that those affected should talk to the retailers who sold them the dodgy upgrades.

But tech guru Brice Shiny, whose commentaries about all things tech-related are read Galaxy-wide, said that that's rubbish. "It's definitely a bug," he said. "It's chiefly down to the so-called anti-piracy measures being far too strict. It starts with the assumption that everybody is a potential criminal and should only be allowed to use the software once they have proved they are the registered user, and of course mistakes are being made.

"The irony is that early adopters of the software like me and my colleagues have mostly escaped these problems; after all, we're the ones on the bleeding edge of technology who have already installed the latest hardware upgrades to our nano-chameleon suits, so we can cope with the bloatware of the Angus upgrade. Or we use open source clothing software that gives us much more flexibility to style ourselves in freedom, without the restrictions of the commercial product.

"But once the upgrade was offered to the ordinary person in the street, all the problems started to show up. So my advice is: don't upgrade. Stick with the old version. It does everything you want in a suit of clothes, so why bother to get the Angus upgrade?"

We at the Fed2 Star can only agree with this recommendation, and if anybody should offer to sell you the upgrade to your nano-chameleon suit software, we urge you to just say no.

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