Fed II Star - January 22, 2006

FED II EATERY REVIEW
by RTG1728

I languish in jail, bereft of decent food and drink. Though as a droid I have no requirement for flavorful sustenance, I've grown accustomed to being lavished with luxurious edibles in the course of my work.

The events leading to my arrest and subsequent imprisonment began with me scouring the Solar System for my next vic... restaurant to review. Finding everything closed in the outer reaches of space, where your humble narrator is still mildly tolerated, I eventually made my way to the never-sleeping Earth in disgust.

For those of my readers who've not visited the Galactic Administration's vile center, finding a suitably lamentable eatery on Earth should have posed no problem for a resourceful newsdroid. Many officials in the Administration, in emulation of Kubla Kahn, have weaknesses for pleasures of the flesh. As a result, the planet is home to a plethora of dining establishments, saloons, and similar dens of iniquity. These include Orran's Ox Roast, the Lucky Seven Saloon, the Starship Cantina, and the Mini-Zoo.

That's what this reporter believed, anyway. You biological entities are always eating the most unusual things! I once visited a restaurant on Antares 7 where diners selected their entrees from large tanks and cages. A chef removed the delicacy in question, rendered it lifeless, and prepared it for consumption. How was a poor newsdroid, unfamiliar with the ways of bio-units, to know that the Mini-Zoo isn't that sort of place?

Needless to say, the children were quite upset, and a number of adults experienced paroxysms of fury when I began on the slithy toves.

Luckily the Nightwatch was called before the mob could do much damage to my fragile circuitry, but they did interrupt my dinner. I was shackled, hauled away, and thrown into this dismal cell. This is simply the worst place I have ever dined; the food is neither plentiful nor appetizing. I cannot hazard a guess as to its ingredients, and am not entirely sure it would be a good idea to make such an attempt. O, cruel Fate, to bestow such a destiny on the Solar System's preeminent critic of ambrosial cuisine!

It seems like an awful lot of bother over a few tough and stringy mini-elephants!