I hate cars bearing "baby on board" stickers. What are they for? What, exactly, is their purpose? Oh, I know what the owners say it's supposed to be: a warning that the car is carrying an infant and therefore I should be extra-careful not to crash into it.

But really, is that necessary? My response on seeing the sticker is not, "Right then, I was going to make a deliberate effort to rear-end you, but now that I see there's a child in the car, I won't after all." Because nobody actually thinks they are driving recklessly.

It's like when you drive away from a friend's house, and they stand on their doorstep waving, and their parting words are, "Drive safely!" Well, duh. Actually I had planned to drive like a complete lunatic, but now that you mention it, I will restrain myself and instead go 10 miles under the speed limit all the way home.

Everybody thinks they are a good driver, just as everybody thinks they are good at sex. They might admit to exceeding the speed limit, but it's perfectly OK for them to speed, because they are good drivers who drive safely even at 110 miles per hour. So nobody would actually admit to being a reckless driver who needs to be admonished by a stupid car sticker.

I don't know if anyone has ever done some research on how often cars with "baby on board" stickers are involved in a accidents, but if they did, I bet they'd find it's no less often than other cars. In fact, they might be more accident-prone because the drivers are so knackered having been up all night dealing with a screaming baby, that they cause accidents themselves!

And in any case, you can't trust the stickers because the car won't have a baby inside it all of the time. So how do you know when the baby is there, and you should avoid hitting the vehicle, or when the baby isn't there, so it's perfectly alright to drive into it at high speed?

So, if the stickers don't do anything to prevent accidents, why put them on the car?

It's a boast, that's why. The owner of the car is loudly proclaiming, "Look at me, I have procreated." Parents are always terribly smug about the fact that they have achieved parenthood, as though it makes them superior to people like me who don't have children, never will have children, would rather die than have children.

But it gets worse. In recent years, these smug parents have decided that a plain old "baby on board" sticker isn't enough. So variations have started to appear. "Twins on board" I saw recently. Is that extra smug, or are they asking for sympathy, having twice as much baby poo to deal with?

"Tiny person on board". How cute is that? It's not a baby, it's a tiny person, a miniature adult, a grown-up-in-waiting. Awwww.

Pass the sickbag.

Then you get different stickers for girls and boys. "Little princess on board" and "Cheeky monkey on board". Wow, talk about gender stereotyping! Heaven help the little girl who wants to be cheeky, or the little boy who wants to be a princess - no, the sticker on the car determines how they should behave.

It gets worse. "Small dude on board". My baby may be young but he (you know that's got to be a he) is cool.

I've also seen "Naughty child on board" which seems a bit harsh. Really? The child is categorised as naughty? Does he (and you can bet this is a he, too) misbehave all the time, or do you swap the sticker from time to time with one saying "Nice child on board" if he suddenly stops being a little terror?

But you know the one that really gets up my nose? The one that makes me want to deliberately crash into the car? It says "Yummy mummy on board." No pretence now that this is all in aid of protecting the little one - no, it's an out and out boast. I'm a breeder, and what's more, I'm the sort of breeder that has a fab lifestyle.

The Diesel's Dump web pages and all the articles on it are copyright © Fi Craig 1996-2012.

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See a selection of his work, and contact him about commissions, at http://www.grenville-evans.co.uk/index.html.