WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS
Earthdate March 2002


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FED FUNNIES


OFFICIAL NEWS
by Hazed


What was in March 2002's Official News:

WOULD THE REAL HAZED PLEASE STAND UP
DR SCIENCE AND THE FED CHRONICLE
GEEK NEWS: EGG AND CHIPS*

WOULD THE REAL HAZED PLEASE STAND UP

I was sitting in CDs the other day, silently contemplating the universe while I sipped at one of my trademark pink frothy drinks (with all the trimmings), when a GroundHog TBed me. "This isn't the REAL Hazed, is it?" he asked.

I was somewhat taken aback by this question. Why would anyone think I am not real? Do they imagine I am some kind of android, masquerading as a demi-goddess?

Perhaps there is a multitude of fake Hazeds running around the Galaxy, impersonating me. That's a worrying thought. Who knows what they might be doing in my name. My reputation could be damaged!

But if that is the case, where did they come from? Who manufactured them? Could the cloning facility that produces the new you when you die have created some extras last time I was in their clutches? There are supposed to be safeguards to ensure only one version of person can exist at a time - but safeguards can always be circumvented.

Perhaps the imitation mes are droids, rather than flesh and blood creatures - HazedBots. But why would someone want to create a horde of robot demi-goddesses? What evil, twisted plan could they have? Some perverted sexual fetish, perhaps, an orgy of sexbots all pretending to be me, to gratify the sordid lusts of the creator. Or an army of creatures with demi-goddess-like powers, with which the perpetrator intends to conquer the galaxy and bring all living things under his power.

Or maybe the GroundHog was just asking a silly question!

If there really are imitation Hazeds out there, I am sure the intelligent and perspicacious readers of the Fed Chronicle will have no trouble telling the difference. Accept no substitutes - I'm the real Hazed!

DR SCIENCE AND THE FED CHRONICLE

Dr Science is an expert who answers questions on all matters, both important and trivial - his web site is at http://www.ducksbreath.com/. One of his recent questions and answers caught the imagination of Fed's favorite pooch, Wolfyn:

Dear Doctor Science,
Why can I tear the newspaper vertically, but not horizontally?
-- Bud Rees from Holmes Beach, FL

First of all, I'd like to congratulate another newspaper ripper. Often the day's news produces the same reaction in me. I derive quite a bit of satisfaction from ripping the morning paper asunder, often voicing some angry epithet as I strew newsprint here and there. I've found that newpapers tear along the line of least resistance, depending on the content of the articles in the paper. If a page contains hard news concerning an actuality, something that really happened, it's very hard to rip through that section. Softer news, fluff, opinion pages, whimiscal or cute columns, the leisure or entertainment sections, and generalized whining and blame give way like wet tissues. Most of those articles are extremely slanted to the left or right and contain a kind of sideways bias, which means they'll fall apart under the least pressure.

Wolfyn sent this to me, and wanted to know how it related to the Federation Chronicle:

So Dear Hazed... why can I tear the Chronicle vertically, but not horizontally?
-- Wolfyn

Well! I was shocked at the idea that anyone would want to tear up such a prestigious publication as the Federation Chronicle. Surely every issue should be kept, lovingly arranged on a shelf for easy reference - not disposed off as if it was any old greasy tabloid!

But then I pondered the nature of the enquirer, and realised it was far more serious than just wanton destruction of fine newsprint. Never mind that she wanted to tear up the Chronicle. I was much more concerned with the use to which she put the torn up pieces.

It takes hours of work to write articles for the Chronicle, and each one of my newsdroids is dedicated to that task. It takes more hours to edit the articles and put together the finished product. None of us appreciate seeing all our hard work, our lovingly crafted articles, our finely honed prose, sprayed with dog urine!

From now on, Wolfyn will not be sent a copy of the Chronicle.

GEEK NEWS: EGG AND CHIPS*

Geeks - you gotta love 'em. Sometimes, when they get bored and have too much time on their hands, they do the craziest things! Someone has worked out how to fry an egg using his computer.

The geek is called Trubador and he turned his PC into a domestic appliance capable of cooking an egg in 11 minutes. He started by opening up his PC and removing the fans, then created a heatsink using copper coins, which he attached to the CPU. He then turned on his machine and waited for three to four minutes for everything to heat up. When it was nicely hot, he made a tray out of silver foil and put it on the heatsink, and cracked an egg into the tray. 11 minutes later, his egg was cooked. He added brown sauce, put in between two slices of bread to create an egg sandwich, and ate it - "it was loverly", he reports.

There's pictures showing the various stages of the process, including the egg cooking, and a list of the equipment required if you want to try this computer culinary experiment, at http://www.handyscripts.co.uk/trubador_egg.htm.

(*A note for Americans: in the UK, what you call fries, we call chips, and we often eat them with fried eggs. Hence the headline. OK?)


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