WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS
Earthdate January 2002


INSIDE SCOOP


FED FUNNIES


OFFICIAL NEWS
by Hazed


What was in January 2002's Official News:

MEGA-CORP COLLAPSES: CLEANER WANTED FOR QUESTIONING
BELLA CHOKES ON SNACK
AUTO-PILOT
THE TRUTH ABOUT BELLY BUTTON LINT
THE MAKER OF THE MARTIANS
REAL LIFE NEWS: LOW-FLYING HUMANS
REAL LIFE NEWS: EXTREME TOURISM

MEGA-CORP COLLAPSES: CLEANER WANTED FOR QUESTIONING

The cleaner that travels around the Solar System tidying up was today implicated in the collapse of the mega-corp Moreon, which went bankrupt recently. Investigating officers have been thwarted in their attempts to understand exactly what went on at energy giant Moreon by the vast quantities of official documents that have disappeared.

At first it was thought that the company's employees had shredded any incriminating documents, despite a court order requiring them to make all paperwork available to investigators. But now an independent witness has come forward with proof that the missing files were in fact tidied up by the cleaning droid!

An independent investigative reporter going by the name of Krystal, who normally covers human interest stories, has provided photographs showing that the cleaner was spending more than the usual amount of time in Moreon's offices, removing and destroying documents.

There is speculation that the cleaner, which travels the Solar System keeping the place tidy, may have been on the pay-roll of Moreon's accountants, Arson Backhander. Questions are being asked about their involvement in the scandal, amid accusations that they were well aware of Moreon's shaky finances. Critics say they could have bribed the cleaner to remove any incriminating documents from Moreon's offices.

Meanwhile, the Imperial Navy is discussing adding Arson Backhander to the list of terrorist organisations, so that their accountants can be shot on sight.

BELLA CHOKES ON SNACK

A large graze on Bella's green-skinned face is the public mark of a humiliating accident she would rather have kept secret. While drinking in a secluded corner of Chez Diesel recently, she choked on a bite of pizza and fainted, falling off her chair and landing in the fountain.

Hopes that this gastronomic upset could be kept secret were dashed when the waitdroid who helped her out of the water contacted the Federation Chronicle with details. Our Illustrious Leader was later forced to admit publicly that she had an eating problem.

More seriously, it seems Bella had been warned about the choking hazard of pizza, - "My mother always said to chew pizza before you swallow," she said - but had clearly disregarded those warnings.

This incident is just the latest in a string of bizarre food-related accidents to befall the high and mighty of Fed DataSpace, the most astonishing of which was when the late Emperor Ming threw up on the ambassador from a neighboring Galaxy at a state dinner.

Diesel gave a statement later, disclaiming any responsibility for the incident. "Most of our customers manage to eat our pizzas without endangering themselves; if that ditzy Rigellian can't remember to chew her food properly, that's not my problem," she said.

However, the Galactic Administration's Department of Food Safety has said it will be drawing up guidelines on how to eat pizza safely, and has commissioned a public information hologram demonstrating how to avoid choking hazards when consuming snack foods.

AUTO-PILOT

A news story in the Wall Street Journal in late December told of an empty plane taking off all by itself and flying for 20 miles before crashing in California's rural Napa County. Apparently the plane's starter system required the pilot to get out and hand-crank the engine.

Just imagine if Fed's spaceships worked that way! If you had to hand-crank your ship before you could go into orbit, it would certainly slow down those trading runs. The LP would be full of sweating, swearing haulers frantically cranking in order to keep on earning groats. Not to mention the problems if you had stopped to repair in the middle of a fight, and then couldn't make a fast return to combat because your cranking arm was tired!

And suppose ships could take off on their own? The Solar System would be littered with the wrecks of ships which had crashed into asteroids, and Fedders would constantly find themselves stranded with no transport.

No, I think the most automation we want in our ships is the navigation computer which lets us zoom between Sol planets instantly. We certainly don't want technology which could zoom between Sol planets without the owner on board!

THE TRUTH ABOUT BELLY BUTTON LINT

Scientists research all kinds of topics, from the trivial to the vital, from the interesting to the mind-numbingly boring. But occasionally, just occasionally, a researcher chooses to delve into matters of such importance that you wonder why nobody covered the subject before.

Australia's popular science broadcaster Dr Karl has just published the results of his ground-breaking survey on... belly button lint!

4799 people took part in the survey. Here's some of the conclusions that were drawn:

  • You get more belly button lint (BBL) as you get older.
  • More men have BBL than women.
  • Lint color reflects your skin tone - lint is lighter for light-skinned people.
  • The hairier you are, the more BBL you have.

Read more of the survey's conclusions, including the in-depth results, and look at pictures, at http://www.abc.net.au/science/k2/lint/default.htm.

THE MAKER OF THE MARTIANS

I had an email a few days ago from the sculptor who made the Martians in Woking.

Don't know what I am talking about? Well, if you've ever done the Duke puzzle, you will know it is based (loosely) on H G Wells' book War of the Worlds. In that book, the Martian invasion starts when a cylinder crash-lands in Horsell, a small village near Woking in Surrey, south of London. H G Wells lived in Woking, and to commemorate this link, the council commissioned some sculptures showing the Martians and their cylinder.

A few years ago, Barb took a trip to Woking to see the sculptures, and took some photos, which I put onto our web site at http://www.ibgames.net/stuff/martians.html.

So recently, the guy responsible for the Woking Martians typed his own name into a search engine, and found the ibgames site. He mailed me telling me that he has his own web site now, at http://www.mcondron.co.uk/. It's worth checking out because it shows lots of his other work which looks fascinating.

REAL LIFE NEWS: LOW-FLYING HUMANS

In the golden age of science fiction, predictions were made about the future. By the 21st century, we were all supposed to be getting our nutrition from pills instead of from eating, wearing shiny silver jumpsuits, and flying around using personal jetpacks.

Well, the first two didn't turn out as expected, but the jet-pack thing has just got one step closer to reality.

A one-person flying machine - a jetpack - has just successfully completed its first test, lifting a man to a height of about two feet, for 20 seconds. The man was Michael Moshier, CEO of Millenium Jet, a Silicon Valley company that has spent several years and millions of dollars in research and development.

Two feet high for 20 seconds doesn't sound very impressive, but that's about what the Wright brothers managed on their first flight, and look where aviation is now. This test is a proof of concept, that shows jetpacks can work. "We have to force ourselves to walk before we can run," said Moshier, adding that the vehicle was kept tethered "to prevent any unplanned departures."

The jetpack is called the SoloTrek XFV and it looks like an upside-down eggbeater. It's about 8 feet tall and weighs more than 300 pounds, but production models are certain to be smaller and lighter. When fully developed, it would fly of speeds up to 80 mph. It would run on gasoline and might go 120 miles without refueling. To prevent gusts of wind from taking you off course, and perhaps crashing you into the side of a building, the vehicle comes equipped with a sophisticated gyroscropic stabilizing system.

The Defense Department is interested, and there are obvious uses for fire and rescue crews, or for police. Plus, of course, all those individuals who want a flying car!

One technology forecaster, however, has sounded a note of caution. He says he does not think the flying vehicle was suitable for the general public. "The moment you move through three dimensions, that takes special skills. This is a speciality for military, police and less obvious things - like power-line inspection."

Moshier dismissed such gloom-mongering. "Somebody probably had that same discussion when automobiles came out," he said.

Besides, anyone who has ever played a fast space-ship-flying shoot-em-up type computer game will probably already have the reflexes needed to fly in 3D.

REAL LIFE NEWS: EXTREME TOURISM

After extreme sports, which are very dangerous pursuits, comes extreme tourism - holidays in very dangerous places. The Ukranian company New Man Travel has just the thing for those whose jaded lives need a little excitement. They are offering a tour of Chernobyl, the site of the world's worst nuclear accident in 1986.

Visitors are promised radiation monitors, protective clothing, and a close-up view of the sarcophagus surrounding the wrecked reactor, as well as the abandoned company town of Pripyat, the graveyard of vehicles contaminated during the clean-up, and a bunch of nuclear processing plants.

The cost is $460 if you take a private car and a personal English-speaking guide, or $340 if you join a minibus tour.

Radiation levels at Chernobyl are still high, but a company spokesman said that "one short visit should not do any harm to a tourist". So long as nobody picks up anything to take away as a souvenir!


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