LINE NOISE News from Chez Diesel 1 June, 1989 VIOLENCE AGAIN! I just can't believe the goings-on in Fed Data Space over the last few days! I can remember when Fed was peaceful, when the players were polite and considerate; they got on with earning their living, stopping for a quiet drink and a chat in the Social Centre of the Solar System, availing themselves of my Executive Services from time to time, and not getting into any trouble. But now? If it's not Poor People being blown up by homicidal maniacs, it's defenceless young women being drugged and raped! I blame the media myself. Ever since that gutter-press rag TWF started up things have gone from bad to worse. And there are rumours that the scumbag so-called reporters are resuming their loathsome activities soon... But I digress. The latest episode in this recent spate of horror is a very sordid tale. The victim - Deborah. The perpetrators - Deadly and Popeye. A few nights ago, Deborah was relaxing here after a hard day's work, when Deadly started to talk to her. He offered her a drink, and she, being a sociable sort, accepted. But Deadly, who had been considered something of a dickhead but fairly harmless with it, showed his evil nature by dropping a capsule of BloodHype into her pint of Diesel's Old Peculiar. For those who don't know, BloodHype is a very versatile drug. In small doses, taken orally, it acts as a muscle relaxant and can have aphrodisiac effects. Larger doses induce drowsiness and a total acceptance of anything that happens - thus it is often used by SpyNet's Interrogation Department as a truth drug. When injected, the drug has much more powerful effects and can be very addictive - which is why it's use is proscribed by the Galactic Administration. Once she had, unknowingly, ingested the narcotic which the wicked Deadly had fed her, Deborah started to feel sleepy. Deadly removed her clothing and prepared to have his wicked way with her. At that point, Popeye entered the bar. And this is where events get rather confused, because instead of carrying through with his plans, Deadly encouraged Popeye to make love to Deborah whilst she was in her helpless condition. Quite why he should pass up the opportunity himself, after having set up the situation, I don't know - perhaps he had partaken of a little too much DOP... Suffice to say that Popeye took his place - and brutally raped the poor defenceless Deborah. And when I say brutally, that is what I mean - I saw the bruises afterwards, and they looked very painful! If you are wondering why I did nothing to stop this horrific attack, I was not in the bar at the time; I had a client in the back room, leaving the Waitdroid to serve drinks, and it is only programmed to call me if the furniture starts getting broken! When Deborah recovered from the effects of the BloodHype, she was horrified as she remembered what had happened to her - and even more stricken when Deadly tried to blackmail her with photographs of the event! But the brave lady decided not to be ashamed of what had happened, and told the two people she was closest to about her ordeal. Her chosen confidantes were Pugwash and Magius - and, as you can imagine, they were horrified. And very, very angry! Having little faith in the Galactic Administration's ponderous legal system, they decided that it was up to them to avenge poor Deborah. When Popeye dared to show his face in Chez Diesel again, he was collared by the furious pair, who vowed that he should suffer far, far worse than he had made Deborah suffer. I won't go into details about what they did to him - it wasn't a pretty sight! But Pugwash is now wearing an earring that looks suspiciously like a testicle... Things would have ended there, with Popeye allowed to carry on his career (albeit less of a man that he was) if Deborah hadn't had the results of her medical. Nothing is sure yet, but there is a possiblity that she is pregnant! She was quite devastated at the thought, and on hearing the Pugwash and Magius were even more furious. They decided # that Popeye had to die! So they waited until he returned here last night - still heavily bandaged - and cornered him again. He realised that this time they meant business, so made a break for it. They gave chase, and finally caught him on Earth, as he tried to leave his ship. As he cowered and pleaded for mercy, Pugwash held his struggling body firmly while Magius plunged a knife through his chest... Of course, Popeye was insured, much to their disgust, so Pugwash grabbed the knife and rushed to the hospital, where with a howl of triumph she finished him off for good. After they had washed the blood off themselves and their clothes, they decided how they should deal with Deadly. I don't know what their plans for him are... but I doubt they will be very pleasant! Magius, of course, has just returned from his honeymoon with Naias. And as the couple settle down for their new life together, the question on everyone's lips is not 'will it last?' but 'how will it end?' No-one can beleive that Magius is truly a reformed character and I am sure he will soon revert to type and start mistreating poor Naias. They certainly do seem to have an 'open' marriage. Naias has resumed her career as a high-class courtesan for PugSex, as well as carrying on several affairs, and Magius has not been idle either! But I am not sure that either of them know just what the other has been up to... Following my suppositions in the last issue of Line Noise about a conspiracy to kill off Fedders who get too powerful, I have been conducting a discrete investigation. My original suspect - Bella - has now been crossed off my list. Despite being the best- placed person to carry out these assassinations, I have conclusive proof that she is not responsible. I have now narrowed my focus to the three most likely suspects - all Conclave members - and shall bring you more news as I proceed with my detective work. I am pleased to say that after days of hard work, the Fed Newsletter is now ready. Entitled Data Space, the first issue contains full details on setting up your own company, a report on the recent wedding between Magius and Naias (and the story of the Stag Night!) and much more exciting, thrilling stuff. It should have been posted to you today, all being well, but if you haven't already sent me your address there is still time to put yourself on the mailing list. Don't forget that there will be an Unofficial Meet this Saturday after the Commodore Show. Meet up in the bar at chucking out time, and then we will invade an unsuspecting restaurant. As always, non-Fedders are welcome if they think they can stand listening to the in-jokes. Chez Diesel (East London branch) will be open for business later in the evening - bring booze and a sleeping bag. And finally, the quote of the week, overheard in the Social Centre of the Solar System the other night... >Popeye says: Sorry about my typing - I've got a dodgy spacebar >Deadly says: Diesels is a Dodgy Space Bar!