**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.06.30 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> DRACO ADMITS BEING A SHUT IN! Draco, Technocrat of Absolom, was quick to discover, much to his surprise and dismay, that he was a veritable prisoner in his chosen Duchy. When Budwarp, Duke of Epini, decided to close off his Duchy and all planets within it from the outside, little did he realize that he'd also bar those who stayed on an Epini allied world from leaving. Or did he? Could this be some sort twisted of plot to ensure the loyalty and obedience of his Planet Owners? Maybe he intends to hold all of the planets in Epini for multi-gigagroat ransom!? Or have those crazed homicidal sociopaths he calls 'scientists' performed Bella-knows-what kind of hideous and gruesome experiments on the helpless population of the worlds he's enslaved and on which he forcibly quashes anything remotely resembling dissension within the Duchy over which he rules in iron fisted tyranny!?!? Um, well okay, probably not. **>>HOW TO TREAT YOUR DUKE/DUCHESSE WITH RESPECT Hear ye, hear ye, Planet Owners! We have noticed some disrespect for your Dukes/Duchesses lately. Now we do realize that your Dukes/Duchesses may act a little strange from time to time and commit a minor error every now and then. So we have a few pointers for you to say for some specific situations: "My Lord/Lady, you have it not quite right; it is the workdroids which make commodities, not commodities which make workdroids!" "My Lord/Lady, is your hopping there on one foot while holding your nose and quacking like a duck the new style of dance these days?" "My Lord/Lady, I fear I did not hear you quite right; you DO know we don't make milk just for milkrun jobs, right?" "My Lord/Lady, you need to have your eyes checked; that is a tree you are holding hands with, not your spouse!" "My Lord/Lady, I may have an unusual sense of smell... it tells me your 'perfume-de-ammonia-&-hydrogen sulfide' does not entirely agree with my nose." We feel with these pointers as a guide, you can learn to treat your Ducal leaders with respect that they deserve!! **>> DIAMOND UNDER ATTACK! Instill came dashing into Federation late one night this week with his cloak all torn to rags. It seems there has been a coup on his distant galaxy, Diamond, and he has been called to join the resistance. All Fed, especially those of female gender, wait anxiously for news of the outcome, and for the return of their beloved Instill.... **>> THE HAPPIEST WOMEN ON FED??? We ran into Shandi, Squire of Fractal the other day, sporting the mood 'happiest woman on Fed'. We asked her the meaning of the mood, and she replied that she was engaged to Chance, Duke of Chaos. We remembered that news story and searched the archives, only to find that the news was so old, it was not in the archives. Perhaps Chance and Shandi should get a medal for the longest engagement in Fed? We asked Shandi when the wedding would take place. She replied, "When Chance decides the moment is right." So, Chance... are you going to make an honest woman of the lovely lady Shandi? Or is there something to the rumor of the harem of slave maidens chained in the basement cells on the prison planet of Chaos? **>> WHERE OH WHERE HAS THE ORAKLE GONE? It appears that the devilishly adorable multicolored sphere has gone missing and sources who choose not to be identified are wondering just who is responsible. Apparently, during one of its last known appearances in Federation dataspace, it told Lady Nocturne of the chop shops on her brother Chance's planet, Chaos, and then proceeded to display for the lady, as well as everyone in the bar, a rather lengthy vid tape showing all of Duke Nightstalker's former er... indiscretions with the school girls on Chaos. One wonders if the little Orakle showed the wrong thing in the wrong person's prescence and ended up in one of those chop shops it was mentioning. Lady Nocturne, herself recently spotted with a tall, dark stranger, has offered a huge reward for its return. Our sources wonder if she's looking for information to be used in a divorce court and just what price other highly placed personages in Nightfall might pay to prevent her from obtaining the Orakle. **>> LOST IN SPACE OR MUCH ADO ABOUT A MISSING DRAGOON We ran a story about Admiral and his Dragoons in a recent edition in which Admiral admitted that his second in command (rumored to be the brains behind the throne in the Dragoon operation) was missing, but in which he claimed that his second in command was 'lost' in space... somewhere. Our spies, investigating the wreckage of a ship in orbit around Chaos, have come to the conclusion that perhaps the Dragoon second in command isn't missing as he's supposed to have been but instead enjoying the hospitality of Duke Chance of Chaos. Surveillance cameras were only able to catch a quick glimpse of the mysterious second in command, but from what we saw he certainly didn't appear to be a prisoner, unless of course, Chance interrogates all his prisoners in a hot tub with the assistance of a troop of Chaosian school girls... Does this mean that the second in command has defected? And, if so, just what lengths will Admiral go to to keep him from talking? More next week as we attempt to interview the missing Dragoon... **>> BAR CRAWLING OR LET'S SWIM IN THE WATER HOLE ON CONCEPTION Now, why is it that *this* newsdroid is always the last to know? Who would have guessed that Conception was not in Epini Duchy anymore? I guess all that R&R on Aise has addled my brain. As I was searching through the Sol system for a story, I followed the exhaust from a few star ships to the planet Conception, now in Sol. There seemed to be a big party going on, and I wasn't invited. But being the investigative genius that I am, I followed the lime peels to a rope dangling over an outcropping. From below, I could hear laughter and the splashing of water. I studied the rope for a while, circling it, checking for frayed parts before I courageously took a swing and landed plop in a water hole where, shockingly enough, the ever-reserved Drspock was floating leisurely. I must have swallowed about a gallon of water after spying the impish Matrix paddling about in the water also. This was some party and everyone, Huck, Thes, DrSpock, Matrix and Cara, were letting their hair (or equivalent) down and jumping into the water hole. Those who could not swim, hugged a unique flotation device, a keg of Corona. I must say though... that after swimming about a bit, Cara's minidress shrank exposing charms that had Thes' eyes popping. I, of course, was unaffected. But I am pretty sure a good time was had by all, and this newsdroid had a bit of a head the next day. Everyone should try the Water Hole on Conception, and you can even tap the keg as you float. Bring your own limes though. **>> CURRENT EVENTS After 10:PM EDT on Tuesday July 2nd, Fedspace will never be the same. At the request of the Imperial Surgeon General, we must caution all the denizens of Fedspace that this event is definitely NOT for the faint of heart, and if you *do* decide to join us and take a walk on the wild side, you'll probably never be the same. Be warned, take one false step on a deviously constructed planet, designed just for the occasion, and you'll find yourself a member of the opposite sex! Participants will then be remain in such a state for 90 minutes at which time their performaces will be judged! Winners will be determined on the basis of originality, realism, and humor. **>> COMING ATTRACTIONS On Tuesday July 9th, the Intergalactic Bar Crawl will be back by popular demand at 10:00 PM Eastern time. Join Matrix and as many denizens as the game can handle, as they travel the better bars and taverns of Fedspace. **>> SPYNET REVIEW Fractal and Bliss were the Tungsten Champ this week, winning the Tourist Trap Trophy twice each. The other T4 winners were Atlantis, Delphi and Conception (probably something to do with that watering hole!). Congratulations to Blotz, Xhana, Cara, Huck, Shifty and Icztu who all made Captain. Sandoval made Adventurer; Shift zoomed through Adventurer on to become a Trader; and Bluebeard was promoted to JP. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on Genie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On Genie, type ORDER from any main menu page. **>> BULLETIN ENDS