**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.10.29 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> LATE-BREAKING NEWS We aplogise for the fact that last week's news appeared a day late. While we would love to blame striking workers at the print factory, that's not really a viable excuse for an electronic publication! What actually happened was that the little program that Hazed uses to upload the news broke, which meant the TechDroid had to put the news up using arcane technical means involving back-ends and other unsavory methods. **>> GROATS MAKE THE GALAXY GO ROUND We are still working on our "ultimate solution" to the knotty problem of groat balances. What we intend to do is merge together all the different balances that players have right now - personal balance, company balance, planet balance, duchy balance and so on - into just one balance. This means that you won't have to transfer money backwards and forwards as you need it in different places; it will all go into one big pile. Because this change has a lot of implications, we want to make sure we've thought of everything before doing it, so it's going to be a few weeks yet until it's done. Meanwhile, here's an offer for planet-owners. If you want us to transfer money from your personal account to your treasury, so you can promote, we will do a one-off shuffle of money next Monday. Please send send-mail to Hazed by next Friday at the latest, telling her how much money you would like to be transferred. There will be a limit to the amount: you won't be able to take your planet balance over 2 gig. When we do this transfer on Monday, we will give Dukes back the missing money that used to be in their duchy balance, and we will give the wallets back to those ex-Senators who have moved back down to either planet-owner or Duke. **>> WANT TO COME TO THE SPOOKIEST PARTY IN THE GALAXY? If you get to read the news in time... This Sunday is the fifth Sunday of the month - which means it's party night in Fed. But not just any old party... this time, it's a Halloween party! Lots of the planets will have special scary rooms so the party can move around the Galaxy from witch's hovel to ghost's house, monster's lair to skeleton's grave. Join us TONIGHT from 7.00pm until the last drinker drops, for the Scariest Party in the Galaxy! For those that can't make tonight's bash, there's more fun on Halloween night itself: read on for details... **>> HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST Yes, we're having the annual Halloween costume contest! On Tuesday evening, put on your scariest duds (or equivalent) and show up for Grannie's Halloween bash! Prizes will be given out for... - The Best Costume - The Best Mood - The Best Ship Paintjob A grand prize will also be given for the Best Combination of all three. Grannie will be doing the judging at Chez Diesel's, 9:00 p.m. EST. **>> TRIVIA TRIVIA TRIVIA... It's trivia time in Fed! This is your chance to demonstrate your knowledge of all things Fed-related, as our Trivia Maitreuse taxes your brain and teases out those obscure little factoids. So if you need a break from hauling cargo, or trading on the exchanges or managing the economy of a planet, join Game Hostess Lyrynna. There's groats for the winners, as well as the opportunity to impress your friends with your knowledge of the obscure. Join us on Sunday, November 5th, at 9.00pm eastern, in Chez Diesel, the Social Center of the Solar System, for Fed Trivia! **>> FROM THE FED DATASPACE 'SOCIETY NEWS' DESK Yes, dearies! We've been away, vacationing on the Continent. But fear not, we've had Hazed's excellent team of newsdroids, on location, getting all the gossip that's fit to print and mostly what isn't! So... let's see now, what do we have? Oxcart was caught robbing Delitta. Um hmmm, he was! And he was also... Hmm... caught having illicit congress with avocados in bathrooms. Well, we won't go any further into that. Lorelie and Byterunner - what is this? I must say, these droids have quite a deplorable printout! Lorelie and Byterunner were caught 'piercing' each other in the Ritz. We have to wonder if they first visited Vertigo's new emporium, Piercings R Us? And if so, just which of the 385 types of body adornment offered there was the happy couple's choice? Well, it's a fact, Federation ladies always HAVE been fashion innovators. Oh! My... could this be... 'pierce that person's screens'? They pierced each other's screens then, that must be it! Lorelei and Byterunner were caught in Surfside's Ritz flagrantly piercing each other's screens. (Or did he just pierce hers, or vice versa?) At any rate, speaking of Lorelie, she seems to be making lots of news. It seems she got herself into a brawl with 'relative' Wildstar over... family ties? They tie each other up? Whatever the case, they had only JUST mellowed somewhat when Jordan told her to forget her bondage and 'get hitched' with him. More later, dear readers, as I shall immediately seek her out to get details on the trousseau. It appears Jordan has recently published a new Fed Guide, the 'Civilized Man's Manual'. No information available as to whether it's a best seller yet or not. Oxcart was also recently arrested for stroking his 'noted' in public. (Stroking his noted?) Well! Never the less, he most certainly DID note that his noted was getting rather ragged. We must presume this was due to all the stroking. And, hog for the spotlight that he is, once again we have Oxcart, this time having an intimate rendezvous with Baroness Dierdre. Isn't that lovely? They are SO civilized to keep it within the Baronies. Now then, let me see! This report is all messed up with something to do with lighting expensive Swiss. One has to wonder what Oxcart and Dierdre were doing with rich Swiss. It appears, whatever they were doing, they were doing it underwater. And there are actual quotes here... >'Aha! SHE was the one who came onto you?' asks Jordan. >'Well, I kinda lost track of everything in all the excitement,' says Oxcart. >Oxcart cringes. >Oxcart feels too faint to go on. >"No! It was just a one-night stand!' exclaims Oxcart. >Oxcart thinks it's high time he changed out of his bathing suit. There it is! Caught in the very garments, readers. And moving on, it looks like Kirchansky has taken to physical violence. It is reported right here that she assaulted Jordan publicly in CD's. No indication if this means Kirchansky wants to get to know Jordan more intimately, courtship rituals being a diverse thing in Fed's DataSpace you know. On a different note, I see Apocalypse has taken up with the dogs. He's apparently been drinking them and doing it publicly to boot! It doesn't give any details what so ever, regrettably, on how he prepares them first, or should that be, in what fore-play he engages? However, innocent bystanders were heard to comment... >'That gotta hurt,' says Kirchansky. >Oxcart asks, 'What brought dogs into the mix?' >'Who know?' asks Jordan. >'I bought the dog,' says Apocalypse. There you have it! Apocalypse has been exposed with a canine prostitute in CD's! Jordan was observed mere days ago plotting murder. Yes, says so right here Dearies! He was overheard stating 'Bomb the coffee! Death to Juan Valdez!' Speaking of murder and bombs, Apocalypse was overheard threatening Duchesse Aja. This apparently had something to do with the TDX. Could it be that Apocalypse was plotting to assassinate the Duchesse? And what motive could he have? There's nothing here that reveals whether he's still alive, however. The only additional notes we have on that story are the following statements: >'I can't believe you told me to drip that bomb,' says Apocalypse. >Oxcart exclaims, 'Yes, I said to drip it and you dropped it!' >Oxcart slaps his forehead. >Jordan puts on his best Clouseau accent, 'Do not drip the bouem!' Should we presume that Oxcart is in cahoots with Apocalypse in an attempt to assassinate the Duchesse so that Oxcart can be with Baroness Dierdre? Makes sense, don't you think? Looks like the Health Department was working overtime in past days. This time they were called to Chez Diesel's. Apparently too many animals were on the premises. Reported were the aforementioned dog prostitutes, the four polo ponies of the Apocalypse and Oxcart's minky, which jumped through the crowd rattling its little cup. When Oxcart was seen grinding his organ, it was hastily revealed that he had indeed stolen the one, the only, the magnificent, great swelling organ and was in the process of making lunchmeat. It was just then that the...well, it looks like it's either cats or cows arrived, it's unclear which. Apollo was overheard commenting on this sad state of affairs: >Apollo says, 'Leave you kids alone for one minute and look what happens!' Then Jordan bid 'Lypse' goodnight and Oxcart asked, 'He talks with a lypse?' Well, we seem to have a long unintelligible section here. But it picks up again with... Oh my! It seems, MORE animals were involved. Yes dearies, the following quote is right here! >Pooh asks, 'Is that to assume many bears are interested in making it with women?' >Jordan says, 'Well... if so, she'd be calling out 'Pooh! Pooh!'...' >Jordan adds, 'You wouldn't know if she had discovered the sweet mystery of love at last... or else was pointing out a 'no-no' on the floor.' >"Anyway, I prefer my women gagged,' says Pooh. >Jordan is grateful CD's doesn't have a ceiling fan. He would hate to see the Pooh hit the fan.' Hmmm. Yes well. It DOES say that right here. And in a related story about MORE animals... Well, I do believe that's quite enough for this week from the Society News Desk! La di da, my dears! Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham Note: Dear Editrix... please FIRE that droid and get a new one! **>> SAY HELLO! With what pleasure do we all greet new arrivals to our beloved Fed DataSpace! And certainly, we - each and everyone - can remember that first time we saw the welcoming slogan saying 'Knock hard. Life is deaf.' We ask you now to think back, reminisce, while we share some recent new arrivals with you and the salutations that hailed their appearances. >SPYNET REPORT: Groundhog Groatmiser has just entered Federation DataSpace. >SPYNET REPORT: Groundhog Luke has just entered Federation DataSpace. >Your comms unit crackles with a message from Byterunner, 'Feel the force Luke!' >SPYNET REPORT: Groundhog Luke has just left Federation DataSpace. >Grannie exclaims, 'You scared him off!' >'Now we have Han and Luke... we HAVE to get those two together,' says Wildstar. >'Why do so many groundhogs vanish when they realize we can see them?' asks Deric. >SPYNET REPORT: Groundhog Smashnova has just entered Federation DataSpace. >Your comms unit crackles with a message from Deric, 'Smashnova! Didn't you win Wimbleton last year?' >SPYNET REPORT: Groundhog Pelvis has just entered Federation DataSpace. >Grannie asks, 'Pelvis?' >Grannie rolls her eyes. >Deric says, 'But of course.' >Deric can picture it now. 'Target Pelvis' >Your comms unit crackles with a message from Deirdre, "Oh, I can't wait... can Groin be far behind?' Need we say more? Do you feel all warm and fuzzy now, remembering YOUR 'first time'? **>> COURAGEOUS EXPLORATION TEAM MAPS ZIPPY Earlier in the week, a daredevil team of voyagers set out on an historic adventure, to return to Sol bringing with them a documented map of Zippy. After circumnavigating Goofy Space, they sat their fleet of ships down on the spoltlessly clean because its shiny gold and no scorch marks landing pad. Immediately on arrival, Deric's Occy-English translator began to smoke beneath the strain of overload. 'There seems to be some kind of establishment to the west,' said Deric tersely. 'Grannie replied eloquently, 'Hmmm,' and the party headed that direction. They walked into Disco Occy... and were beset. This was the Place that all in all universities come to for a good time. Once can even believe the lazer scihizophrenia going everhywhere; from the bar to the dance floor! Even the dance floor has lazers shooting from to make you have feel at home. Deric's translator instantly exploded! Grannie quickly grabbed her dictionary in a reflexive movement. But then, overwhelmed, Grannie looked around in confusion. 'I think we're in some sort of nightclub,' said Deric over the din. 'That would be my guess,' added Fallon. Deric rebooted his jacket, attempting to load the translation software into it. Grannie struggled out of her momentary stunned immobility and bought everyone in the bar a glass of something that made sense in Occy's world. It seemed to have no effect on all in all universities come to for a good time. 'Either that or we're in the middle of a battle...' continued Fallon, picking up the conversation. 'Or both,' noted Grannie. 'Battle dancing?' 'Now there's a concept,' said Deric. Fallon chimed in, 'Hmmm. Guess I need lessons.' Grannie just dodged lazers while trying to drink. Deric looked around a few minutes, then mused, 'Looks like the Running Man meets Dirty Dancing.' Grannie laughed, her voice lost in the frenzy, then motioned the party east. Arriving back on the shiney gold and no scorch marks areon the blakc granite surface landing pad, the group then proceeded north to the Gold Studded Road (so named because it is gold studded in the black granet.) 'Garbage dump?' asks Grannie. 'Well, I vote for the store,' relied Deric, worried for the party's safety. 'Is granet a new material?' asks Grannie. 'Yes. It only occurs on Zippy,' Deric answered. Grannie nodded and said, 'The store then.' Still loading software, Deric followed Grannie and Fallon into the Big Shop. Opps everything else for sale was in here because thats where it was. As Deric boggled, Grannie exclaimed breathlessly, 'How... how... Occy- like!' 'Yep... you can pretty much buy everything here,' commented Deric. 'Well, it's certainly minimalist. Doesn't exactly conjure up truckloads of imagery though.' Fallon was just speechless at that point. 'Alright,' said Grannie resolutely. 'We -have- to see the garbage dump after this!' 'Quite,' answered Deric. The group ventured back out to the Gold Studded Road (with the black granet of course.) Going east, they arrived at the dreaded Garbage Dump. They were in the planets dump they wondered where that smell was coming from. It reminded of of a dead animal. Many of things had barfed their guts out there. Fallon was moved to comment, 'Oh my...' Deric added, 'My English teacher would barf too.' 'There's your imagery, Deric,' grinned Fallon. 'Smelligery maybe,' said Deric smiling. 'Are you sure it's English?' asked Grannie. Deric answered, 'No, I'm not sure.' 'Dare we go to the mansion?' Grannie asked, in a state of shock. 'It sends shivers down my spine just thinking of it,' commented Fallon. Deric pronounced, 'If one of us disappears, the others must not go and find out why!' Deric had seen horror movies before! Venturing back out to the Gold Studded Road, the party journeyed north toward Occy's manzion. Walking in, they were met with a shocking sight! It was a Zzzzaturnia Invazion!!! Never trust a Zaturnian! Zzzax and the Zaturnianz had stolen Occy's manzion because zey zought zat Zippy waz a cool name! Ooh, the zhame of it all! Deric exclaimed, 'Aha!' as Grannie blinked in confuzion. 'Bet you weren't expecting that!' Deric said. 'Perhaps the entire planet is a warped Saturnian jest?' asked Grannie, pondering the possibilities. 'I dunno.... all the rest looked authentic Occy to me,' answered Deric. Suddenly feeling the pressing need to go somewhere sane or relatively sane for a good stiff drink, Deric commented, 'If you want sane, you want another planet.' So, with maps in hand, the party retreated down the granet of the Gold Studded Road and were soon happily back at their awaiting fleet of spaceships. Fed DataSpace thanks this party of explorers for their selfless endeavors on the mysterious and perennially puzzling planet of Zippy. **>> PLANETS ADD NEW AREAS TO CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY Yes, this week explorers can find new areas to explore as planets rise to Grannie's invitation to add new locations in celebration of the up- coming festivities. Leading the drive, Vertigo has added two. The first, 'Dark House', is a delightful new restaurant where you can sample fine cuisine amidst tasteful decor. The second new Vertigo establishment will just have to be discovered on your own! Other planets expected to add locations in honor of Tuesday night's revels are Cove, Shelter, Sphinx, Epini, and Kama, to name a only a few! **>> NEWSFLASH! EPINI TO DECLARE 'INDEPENDENCE' Just hours ago, the Fed News received a report that Epini Duchy has declared it's Independence. It is still unclear from what Duke Budwarp and Baroness Dierdre are declaring independence however. When asked for further details, Baroness Dierdre commented: 'We have the full support of Senator Barberousse, who will be speaking at our press conference. Stay tuned for further developments.' The date of the press conference is to be announced 'soon', our sources report. **>> PLANET NEWS Menua has linked a new planet into the game, Stonehenge. We will bring you a review of the new world in next week's news. **>> SPYNET REVIEW Congratulations to everyone who achieved promotion during the past week. The new Captains were Han, Toaster, Quiet and Mycroftt. Groatmiser and Elahrairah reached Adventurer. Tesla, Groatmiser and Arachnia joined the Traders Guild. Making it to Merchant were Tesla and Sailor. Capt made it to JP. Menua solved the fiendish and awesome GM puzzle. He went on to become an Explorer, and then linked his new planet, Stonehenge, into the game. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Porcupine, Lyrynna, Grannie, Sparky, Zzzax, Geezer, Magneto, Syfari and Goblin. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS