**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.07.02 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> CRAWLING ROUND THE BARS Grannie hosted a bar crawl last Sunday that ended shortly after it began with a big bang! The attendees were Satriani and Clyde, Dierdre, Ukla, Draco, Space and Pegasus. After congregating in CDs, Grannie let Dee pick the first bar to try out since no one else could make up their minds. Dee thought for a moment then picked the Metal's Edge Cafe on Opera. The group flew or teleported as the case may be and settled in for a round of drinks and entertainment. Surrounded by the sounds of rock music, the group started out with costume judging, along with trying out new drinks. After glancing at everyone, Grannie decided that the winner of the absolutely best outfit had to go to Clyde... Satriani's new pet. You see Satriani -=and=- Clyde. They are wearing matching fake lizardskin leisure suits. Hmmm ... Clyde's might -=not=- be fake after all. In honor of the occasion, Grannie bought everyone a glass of everclear with bits of fruit floating in it, a small umbrella, and a small sign that read, "Keep Away From Open Flames!" Clyde wandered over to Satriani and took a sniff of Grannie's concoction and promptly rolled over on his back with his feet high in the air. Grannie was concerned and slid back her chair so she could minister to the poor stricken lizard. But the runners of the chair sparked as she shoved it, the sparks flew into her drink, and next thing Grannie was flat on her back, lying still, her hair all on end, but with a beautiful smile on her face. This concluded the first bar crawl and as the music faded, the patrons got to their knees, and waitdroids cleared the blast area... join in for future crawls. **>> THE NEXT UNCON? Byterunner tells us he would like to hold the next UnCon in the Wisconsin, Illinois or Michigan area. That's all we know... for more information, talk to Byterunner! **>> THE LOVE OF RANI... Yes, it's true! Loving Tellurani ne Galdur (that cute li'l Squire from Citadel) can do strange things to your mind... the case in point being Jake. First, there was Captain Jake, who vowed to destroy the evil, nasty, bad, wicked Zo..., er, brother of Rani, Tellurian. Rani told Jake that only after Tellurian was gone was she free to marry. Something about an overprotective older brother. Then, Jake went and got his brain hardwired so he was connected with his ship... his new name? Driver! As Driver, he was merged with mechanics... but Rani told him that she didn't like his new stick shift. The end result? Driver suddenly became a being known as Venom, that talked about itself in the plural a lot. Was he possessed by Queen Victoria? (We are not amused.) Worse! He was covered by an evil symbiote! Venom finally managed to destroy his evil symbiote in a massive battle, but at the cost of his own life... ...and now he's reborn again, as Jake. Rani's absolutely thrilled that her original studmuffin is back, but she can't help but hope that he stays in one piece this time! **>> ZZZAX ZAPS ZOO, ZEBRAS ZIGZAG ZERO ZITHERS We just liked this headline. No story, sorry. **>> MAD KILLING SPREE! It's hard to believe, but it's true! Sweet li'l Asrianna (Squire of Sine) went on a massive killing spree several days ago! Literally hundreds of players got shot down by Asrianna's twin lasers... while standing on a planet's surface! It seems Asrianna got the spanner and dipped it in the liquids under the altar in the Martian Ruins. Then, after journeying there, she brought the spanner to transuranics and supercharged the liquids that were coating it. With this delicate operation complete, she went and got the TDX. Dropping the TDX, she caught it with the spanner and channeled the explosive power! The spanner, glowing with untold energies, was then able to pry the twin laser right off her ship! With the twin lasers, Asrianna made a tour of the Solar System, blowing players to bits as they sipped their drinks in CDs, wandered around the Mercury caverns, or fled for their lives! Fortunately, the killing spree came to an end when Asrianna chased Satriani through the Interstellar Link to the planet Opera... and the customs guards took Asrianna's twin lasers, since they were now an object instead of part of the ship. Asrianna vows that she'll get her revenge on the customs guards by smuggling unstable anti-matter and explosives through the link for them to capture, and blow them all to bits. **>> TANTRAS SWALLOWS YO-YO! In one of the stranger incidents in FedSpace this last week, Tantras accidentally swallowed a yo-yo. "I have no idea how this happened," he said. "One minute I was flicking it up and down the string, and the next second it was lodged in my throat." Tantras expects to get 45.7 gigagroats from the manufacturers in his lawsuit. **>> DIESEL'S WENCHES CAUGHT IN SCANDAL! One of Diesel's wenches is in a massive scandal! It seems that a Senator, despite having a dexterity of 120, was flying around in his spaceship and saw this wench wandering the streets of Mars! The next thing the wench knew, she was inside the spaceship, making the Senator MUCH happier. Little did they know that they were being watched by the ever-watchful eyes of the Vega and Xerxes! The two were hauled off to the prison cell on Earth where it was revealed that... <> ...that it was nothing more than a scene from the upcoming BAYWATCH spin-off series, BAYWATCH NIGHTS. David Hasslehoff and his Amazing Friends will be performing at the StarShip Cantina later this month. **>> THE *~NEW~* AND IMPROVED WINSLOW! One of the newsdroids, making its usual rounds, happened across Ukla in CDs pouring over stacks of reports. The droid found this as exciting as it would find an amorphous blob moving across a microscope slide, but could not resist its programming to look over and see just what exactly Ukla was doing. The droid still did not find this Mars-Shaking, but figured embellishment would help. Ukla, pouring over the mound of papers, exclaimed, "I will never learn this religion! I don't even know 10% of it and now I find myself the owner!" Curious enough, Raven gave the large hairy man the Winslow Religion. At first Ukla insisted that it was sold to him, but when asked what sort of price was arranged Ukla admitted that he received it for free. "They said I needed character," Ukla answered. Well, the news team doesn't know exactly how this religion will gain Ukla character, but there seems to be something amiss here. Our newsdroid probed deep with, "And how will you sustain such a religion?" whereupon Ukla answered, "Oh, I am trying to get Chicago to be the salesman." This is obviously an economic front! **>> PARTY BACK IN TIME Bgg held a party in Horsell recently, transporting some of his friends back in time as he mapped the green and pleasant land. A good time was had by all until the publican called time and threw them all out onto the street, whereupon Bgg was forced to transport them all back to the future so they could go home. **>> THE RETURN OF... Welcome back, Oxcart! After an absence of many months, Fed's favorite naughty boy has returned and it looks like he hasn't changed a bit. Last night he held an auction, trying to sell his body parts to the highest bidder. Sadly, there were no takers. Maybe he will need to get in touch with the medical science droids! **>> PLANETS AND DUCHIES Next week we will bring you a review of Greybeard's planet, Atlantis. Meanwhile Draco is working on his new world and expects it to be ready in about a week. The colonists have all disappeared, and the puzzle takes explorers through the abandoned city to discover what happened to them. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Egg, Lyrynna, Grannie, Sparky, Zzzax, Geezer and Magneto. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS