**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.05.28 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! [Editor's note: Hazed, being away on holiday, or equally sordid equivalent, has left the Fed News in our delicate but capable hands.] **>> H-BY-A SUED! Rumours have started drifting around Federation Dataspace that H-by-A Services is about to be sued by one of it's newest Hosts, Geezer, under the ADA [Americans with Disabilities Act]. Geezer, a slightly irascible chronologically challenged member of the masculine affinity group, claims that Diesel's Executive Services, a subsidiary of H-by-A Services, has discriminated against him. Specifically, he could not maneuver his electric wheelchair up the stairs into the back room at CD's! The lack of handicapped access, he stated to this reporter, is obvious proof of his claim. "Not that I am handicapped," Geezer said as he plugged in his electric wheelchair for a recharge, "I'm just old, but there are laws about handicapped access and I want to PROTEST this injustice!" Among his demands for satisfaction is the construction of a ramp to Diesel's back room, and punitive damages for pain and suffering. [Or was pain and suffering the satisfaction he demanded? More on this later...] Hazed and Bella being unavailable for comment, we cannot present an opposing response. Geezer deplored Diesel's cold and uncaring attitude toward the elderly pointing out that, "I've been old a long time and done a lot of things...but it's my hearing that's failing me, not my heart." When this reporter asked just how old he was; Geezer, famous for his many inventions that form a basis for Human Civilization As-We-Know-It, proudly showed me his patent on dirt! "That's how old I am," he said, "pretty neat thing since we hadn't invented paper yet." Geezer also complained that the SanitationDroids collecting the rubbish bins outside Diesel's every morning are louder than the Big Bang and just what did Diesel plan to do about that? This is NOT an isolated incident of the terrible conditions at Chez Diesel's, gentle reader! Our own Senator Marcia, known and loved by so many of Fed's citizens recently commented to me, "I'm fighting with Diesel, she won't send out one of her hunks to rub my feet. She says I have to go in the back!" The only comment we could elicit from Diesel was, "I'm not the landlady, I'm the concierge." Fed Dataspace Authorities would only say the case is scheduled to be heard sometime after a "Simpson" affair is settled. **>> PERSONAL/CLASSIFIED ADS * "SWF w/T seeks same (or w/o T) for MR" Leave sendmail for Tabby. Serious inquiries only. * "SWM seeks SF, any age/species, for marriage" Leave sendmail for Trafalgar. * "SM, Avian, seeks SF any species, for marriage. Snog instructors a+" Leave sendmail for Sparrowhawk. * SF [ripe and well aged] is preparing to solve the Duke puzzle. Seeking planet owners to serve as loyal subjects. [UK residency a+ due to time/space continuum realities] Handsome SM's also welcome to apply for companion status. Leave sendmail for Brandy. * Public Service Announcement: "I am NOT a grasshopper! " * Planets wanted to subjugate. Leave sendmail for Zzzax. * To whom it may concern, henceforth, I am to be considered divorced. Squire Spacesinger. * Anyone interested in pub crawls around the player planets, please contact Squire Ukla. **>> THIS BUD'S FOR YOU... It's been a week filled with ancestral searches in Fed Dataspace. A newbod named Bud claimed to be the long lost son of Duke Budwarp. This was shocking news to the Duke and his wife, Lady Deirdre who have no natural children of their own. Budwarp denied paternity and claimed the only thing he can remember losing is his sanity and possibly some of the hair in that tiny spot just at the back of his head. Bud has gone D-D and is not currently available for comment. Another denizen of the deeps, Venom has announced that he needs to find his parents. He claims to have no clues to their identity and that there is much of his past that he does not know. Venom asks that anyone having information that could help lead him to his parents, please leave sendmail for him. Some have speculated that Venom is one of the offspring of Zarnaff and Devon. When questioned about hints to his parentage, Venom kept repeating, "I'm clueless." There being an oversupply of cluelessness in Fed, Venom's comment is either totally useless or a sign that he has a vast array of potential relations. **>> CHAPEL BELLS Contrary to last week's announcement by Wildstar's wife Mosquito that Lori would wed Wildstar and become his co-wife, we bring you the following message direct from Wildstar: "My one true love is Mosquito, any other thoughts, ideas, or rumors are worthless...if this hurts some people I'm sorry...but life's like that." Mosquito and Lori have declined to comment on the matter. **>> FED TRIVIA GAMES CONTINUE Remember to mark your calendars for next sunday's Fed Trivia game with Lyrynna in CD's at 7pm est. The questions will be a mix of general and Fed topics. This is a great chance for players to see how much [or how little] they really know about Fed. There'll be lots of juicy little tidbits dredged up from Fed history, of course! Groat prizes will be awarded to the winners. Lyrynna g'hosts Fed Trivia the 1st Sunday of each month so make this a regular event on your social agenda! **>> ZE CONTEZT CONTINUEZ! Zzzax, Overlord of Saturn (and Ambassador to FedSpace) has announced a contest! You see, Zzzax wants a very special place to call his own in Fed DataSpace, what with his planet off hiding in another dimension (waiting to attack Fed DataSpace, but that's another story). So, he's decided there has to be a way to rectify this situation. Planet-owners can design a room or suite of rooms on their planet for Zzzax himself! When your rooms are completed, let Zzzax know either in sendmail or by telling him in the game. After the deadline, he'll decide which owner designed the best room or group of rooms, and give them "a very zpecial reward". What is this reward? Well, we're now allowed to say it... The winner will host Zzzax's very own Naval Base! As planet-owners know, this helps production and workthings... So, win the right to host Zzzax's Naval Base! Write those rooms! The deadline is Friday, June 9th. **>> ELECTRONIC BANKING REACHES FED Magneto has announced that the Bank of Magnetron is now open for business...and all Fed players should feel free to deposit extra groats there. Magneto boasted to us tonight, "my ATMs work great! And they are available on select planets in fed..trouble is...you have to find em..." Unfortunately, a solar flare prevented further information transmissions at this time. **>> NOT FOR NOTHING DEPT. Hans has asked us to please say something about him in the news. The following is exerpted from his interview tonight in Chez Diesel's. [Magneto gets out the pentathol at this point] Hans: I'm never mentioned in the News. I feel so unwanted! Freya: Have you plotted to take over Fed? Hans: No Magneto: Have you married anyone recently? Hans: No Freya: Have you divorced anyone recently in Fed? Or had a sordid and tawdry love affair? Hans: No Magneto: Had any space battles lately? Hans: No Freya: Started any feuds? Plotted to kill Workthings? Hans: No. Freya: Can you tell us anything about what you have done in Fed lately? Hans: Well, there was this thing with Kain about 2 or 3 weeks ago...but, well....I cannot remember clearly.. too bad.. no news And there you have it folks...direct from Hans! **>> BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY IN FED Spudi, that darling li'l velociraptor visted Fed Dataspace this week with her Daddy, Tantras. Deirdre reminisced about Spudi sitting on her lap as a baby and how she used to pet her tail. Dee reminded Spudi that she watched her being born but then again, she said, "Heck, I was the only one who could *stand* to watch!" Although slightly distracted by her sharp fangs embedded in his arm, Tantras offered his li'l darling daughter's hand, erm...claw in marriage to Sparrowhawk. It was a very touching moment for all of Fed, "Wanna (OUCH!) marry (OUCH OUCH!) Spudi?" Sparrowhawk responded with gentlemanly grace, "Why? :::is suspicious:::" At this point, Spudi gave her Papa's arm a little lick and let go to disappear down the back stairs of Chez Diesel. All we know after that was reported to us by Logi who briefly sighted Spudi in her spybeam, "Spudi's playing with her food, which happens to be pieces of Sparrowhawk." **>> NOT QUITE THE SPYNET REVIEW There were two deaths in the Game this week, Squire Spacesinger and Squire Erica. While no exact causes of these two deaths are known, we can speculate. [and we always do] Perhaps it has something to do with, as Windman so delicately put it, "they both were dumped lately." We may never know, and as Geezer said, "Who dumped who though?" A personal ad regarding his divorce placed by Spacesinger shortly prior to his death may be significant. [Then again, it may not.] Inquiring minds want to know... so sendmail Freya your speculations. As always, information supplied to the Fed News will earn you a groat reward and our gratitude and/or amusement. News of promotions and other exciting listings from the spynet review will appear in next week's edition of the Fed News. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Phoenix, Grasshopper, Lyrynna, Grannie, Sparky, Zzzax, Shady, Geezer, and Magneto. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS