**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.05.07 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> A GIF FROM TANARITH Devon has uploaded a GIF file into the Federation Official Library on GEnie. File #342, DEVON.GIF, contains a drawing of the man brandishing a quite alarming sword! Take a look. **>> CRITTERS, HERE'S YOUR UPDATE! Teleporting types, here's the up-to-date listing of planets, their LPs, exchanges and bars. A * indicates that refreshments are to be had in the exchange or on the LP, as appropriate (and one WOULD expect the bar to have refreshments, so they aren't so marked). A + indicates that the location is teleport shielded. System Planet LP loc Ex loc ExDir Bar Loc Arena Starbase1 74 72 NE 77 Mirai Mirai 2 * 5 * S 3 Paradigm Paradigm 5 3 NE 6 Dawn Dawn 5 3 W 6 Addis Oac 5 3 * E 4 Vertigo Vertigo 5 * 3 * E 6 Sutra Kama 5 * 3 E 4 Surf Surfside 5 3 S 10 Qushmarrah Tempest 5 * 3 D 4 Skan Shelter 5 3 * NW 6 Utopia Utopia 5 * 3 * S 6 Pagrah Pagrah 8 9 NE 18 Outpost Outpost 5 3 IN 102 Cove Cove 5 * 3 * N,NW 4 Roma Roma 5 * 3 * W 6 Parabit Parabit 5 3 E,E 8 Corona Conception 5 3 E 12 Vannitel Vannitel 5 3 S 6 Aise Aise 5 3 * E 1 Storm Storm 5 * 3 * E 1 Laconia Sparta 2 3 E 5 Citadel Citadel 28 29 E 31 Hermitage Hermitage 3 4 * E 9 Dichotomy Dichotomy 2 3 E 4 Mallavia Mallavia 5 3 * E 6 Naug Naug 2 * 3 * E 4 Ymris Ymris 5 * 3 * E 6 Silo Silo 5 3 * S 1 Cafe Cafe 2 * 4 * S 23 Tyr Tyr 6 * 17 PLANET 11 Nexus Nexus 5 3 W 4 Opera Opera 5 3 * E 1 Greenvale Forest 2 3 * D 3 Tanarith Tanarith 2 * 3 * D 2 Tisnar Tisnar 2 + 55 * IN 56 Haven Haven 2 * 3 * E 4 Trilight Trilight 2 4 * W 5 Empyrean Empyrean 1 3 E 2 Fubar Snafu 2 * 3 S 5 Troy Troy 2 * 3 * E 5 Blockhead Block 3 6 E 7 Sine Sine 1 2 * N 3 Classic Classic 2 * 3 * W 6 City City 2 * + 4 W 5 Ulster Ulster 3 2 * S 11 Satin Satin 6 7 * E 11 **>> CRIMES OF PASSION ARE APPROPRIATELY PUNISHED... Last week we had reports of Senator Marcia snogging men all over Fed space, and not staying around to finish. (Though, we weren't quite prepared for the number of men who were completely unaware of exactly what a snog is, either.) Anyway, Baron Aren has been successful in beating - (erm, lets put that another way, shall we?) Aren has managed to play Marcia's game, now that he's got the proper tool - we're talking about his teleporter, of course. (We're sure he had that OTHER proper tool all along!) By all reports, he's put both to good use. **>> LOVE... TRUE LOVE... Pouring his heart out in CDs, Jim (our esteemed Senator from Crime) began to weep and wail over the loss of his one true love! "He'll always be peanut to me," he sniffled, chugging down another pint of Zima. When pressured for more information, Jim sobbed some more. "Oh, if only he knew that I can lick my eyebrows," he added. "I'd love to spend outrageous sums of money on him!" A minute later, he gave another tidbit of information, saying, "If only he was still around so I could use my naval techniques on him." It wasn't until Jim began to sob over and over about how he'd never drink another beer until his peanut returned that the others in the bar discovered that Jim was sobbing about the still-missing Baron Otoole of Brewski! A little later, Goddess, Spacesinger, Snookums, and Apollo were playing a game of pool in CDs, but the conversation kept going back to question of whether Goddess could really use that pool stick (Spacesinger promised that she was very adept at it) and on knocking the balls into the pockets. Then, Budwarp poured chocolate syrup on Spacesinger, and Kain greased up his wings with Shedd's Spread! When Budwarp handed Dierdre the whipped cream, the next thing this poor reporter knew, Dierdre was adding on a cherry on top and Goddess started licking the concoction off! We can't help but wonder what happened on Goddess's and Spacesinger's wedding night, though, since Goddess seemed so eager to finally take Spacesinger's cherry. When asked for comments, Budwarp blamed it on Dierdre and Aja, Aja claimed innocence, and Spacesinger swore he was afk the entire time. Goddess was too busy licking off the syrup to make any understandable words form. The reporter was just about to wrap up the article when Goddess started squirting whipped cream all over Snookums, who had just proclaimed that she never needed to drive anywhere for sex! Snookums immediately retailiated with a can of silly string, with Dierdre (?!) shouting "Cat fight!" gleefully. Then, Snookums chased Goddess around with an inflatable doll (of what, we're not really sure) and Dierdre tried to pull Aja into a mud pit! Budwarp and Spacesinger immediately began to place their bets on who'd win the mud wrestling contest, Dierdre or Aja. When Snookums tried to push Aja in, Aja casually backhanded Snookums into the mud pit! Recovering quickly, Snookums pulled Goddess and Spacesinger (who won the bet) into the mud pit! From inside the pit, Goddess sprayed the buttered-up Kain with whipped cream, making everyone wonder just how good her aim was. Budwarp pulled out a hose at that point and sprayed everyone down with water; we're not sure if it was meant to cool people down or wind them up even more. Finally, Dierdre ran for the door, and Budwarp dutifully followed. (Videotapes of the shower scene that resulted are available for 1995 groats, care of the Fed News Bulletin.) The dynamic duo gone, normality finally returned to CDs... well, for at least five minutes, anyway. **>> COMPETITION FOR CHEZ DIESEL? Duchess Aja announced today that one of her planet owners, Tellurani ne Galdur, is opening a bordello! "I'm so excited," Aja said. "Finally, people can go somewhere other than CDs for cheap tawdry sex." Citadel will immediately be renovated and renamed Sexadel, with nice ticket dispensers, revolving doors, and vibrating beds for everyone. Aja promises that everyone, human or otherwise, will be welcome at Sexadel. "If the stable can't handle it, I'm sure Rani'll be up to the job," Aja remarked. Tellurani was curiously unavailable for comment. We wonder if anyone's told her about this yet? **>> STARMAN SEES STARS! When's Starman going to learn? Over and over again ever since the door in CDs got boarded up, Starman keeps charging at it full speed... and ramming into the ceiling, knocking himself back to the floor. Diesel says that if Starman knocks himself out, that's his own fault, and that he better not land on any customers! **>> WAR? Our Special NewsDroid Reports As I was cruising through Arena Space the other day, I came upon an awful sight! There before my whirring sensors lay a fleet, or I should say what was left of a fleet. Bent, broken, twisted and burnt parts were everywhere, but not a whole ship in sight. I thought war had broken out and I had been caught in the middle of it, vast fleets shooting down anything in sight. But as I watched in horror, the last of Sean's fleet when down in flames. Was his navy destroyed by some other Duke's fleet? No. To my amazement, it was just one ship that did all this damage. That's right, one lone ship wiped out an entire fleet. Who can this super fighter be, a Duke or a Senator? I ran a check to see who owned this massive warship. It was... an Adventurer! Balor was the perpetrator of this wanton destruction, the cause of the carnage that floated all around me. Only an Adventurer, and yet he has over 300 megagroats on him. Only an Adventurer, and yet he has a top-of-the-range fighting ship. Only an Adventurer, and yet he wipes out fleets for practice. Where does an Adventurer get this kind of money and power? Who is backing him? Who is trying to start a war in our peaceful Federation? Why was Sean's fleet destroyed? I don't know. But I will do my best to find out the answers. That's why I'm a newdroid. **>> WAR? PART II They have allegedly crossed swords before and will do so again for the entertainment of all Federation citizens. On Tuesday, May 9, 1995 at 9.00pm eastern Devon Skye and Balor will meet on Tanarith for a duel to the death. Each party claims a major grievance with the other which will be settled by the outcome of this fight. Devon has accused Balor of being the murderer of his first wife, Kara, whose tomb is on Tanarith (though Devon doesn't seem to have needed any help in getting rid of other wives or paramours). However, Balor has definitely been seen raising hell with the customs fleet of Eire and has also shot down at least one member of Devon's family. Balor on the other hand has marked Devon as a terrorist and a member of the Tuatha De Danann, ancient enemy of the Fomorians (Balor's race.) Devon has chosen his blood-brother Sean as his second while Balor (whose raids on Eire have originated from Tempest) has not surprisingly been joined by Tellurian who has agreed to stand by him. All of Federation is invited to use spybeams and other such methods to observe the fight but are warned against getting too close to the action lest they be killed. Newsdroids will be on hand to record all events for folks unable to get a good seat for the festivities. In the meantime, Devon requests that visitors to Tanarith confine themselves to the Landing pad and Exchange areas as parts of the planet have been made lethal for the purposes of the duel and the young Thane does not wish to clean up innocent blood. **>> NEWS FROM ARTHUR EIRE Our Motto -- "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story" Hannah tosses Bob, Who Floats in the Air Up There. Well, sports fans of Fed, there was a great match last night on Mercury. The dark and sultry Merchant, Hannah, took on Merchant Bob, dressed in that fancy black tux of his. Hannah, taking advantage of Bob's outfit, grabbed him by the tails and tossed him onto the floor. She then thrust one of her spiked heels into his cummerbund! Ouch! But Bob was not to be so easily defeated. Grabbing her stiletto heel, he twisted it round and with Hannah off balance, slammed her into her ship, the Mudskipper. He jumped to his feet as Hannah recovered. The two now circled each other warily until Bob made his move. With a cry, he leapt into the air and gave Hannah a flying kick. But Hannah blocked with a swift motion of arms. Bob then back flipped across the landing pad, landing on his feet. Both assumed Martial Arts positions. "So! You wish to fight me? Ha!" cried Bob. "You have been permitted to fill Fed with your evil," retorted Hannah. "This must be stopped!" "I have long looked forward to this day," laughed Bob. "For I have heard of your skill from those you have defeated." "Then fight if you must!" replied Hannah, her face stern and sad. "Heeeeeyaaah!" screamed Bob as he somersaulted towards Hannah tossing three sha-kens at her before jumping to the side. "Misssssedmeeee!" retorted Hannah as she dove to the side and drew nunchucks. Twirling the wooden rods with blinding speed she advanced on Bob and with a flash of arms swung the weapon down on Bob's head! Bob caught the weapon with a jo-stick he had drawn from his sleeve and with a flip of his wrist both weapons were skittering across the floor. There followed a flurry of blows and voice dubbings. As the two broke off and began to circle each other, the evidence of their combat was evident upon their features. Bob's rose had been crushed and his shirt ruffles were ripped. His shoes were scuffed and he had a paper cut on his thumb. Hannah didn't look much better, for her hose had a run in them, she had broken a fingernail, and her makeup was smudged on her left cheek, just above her lips. "You fight well," observed Bob with a smile. "That will make your defeat all the more sweet." Hannah remained silent and somber. Then Bob made his move! With a running leap, he flew at Hannah in graceful slow motion towards her with his left leg extended for a cruel blow! "Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyaaa!" came Bob's triumphal shout. Regrettably, it was not to be, for Hannah was not in slow motion and she simply stepped to the side. "Heeeywhaaaaa?" continued Bob's cry. In fluid slow mo, he flew past her. Hannah waved at him as he slid by. "Ooooooohshiiiiiiii", screamed Bob as he saw the window in front of him. Still in slow motion, Bob crashed through the window. The broken shards of glass twinkled faintly as they gracefully twirled through the air. "Seeeeeeeyaaaaaaah!" shouted Hannah. Bob fell several stories before he landed upon the concrete pavement and bounced, still in slow motion. His body twisted into a grotesque form as the dust of the street puffed around him. Hannah, now triumphant, assumed the lotus position. All this for a luncheon voucher. This is your Federal News Correspondent, Arthur Eire, signing off. **>> HAPPY EVER AFTER In a somewhat chaotic ceremony on May 1, Freya and Prospero were married. THe service was held in the Church on the moon and performed by Amigan; Nightstalker gave the bride away. Dierdre and Siobhan were bridesmaids. Budwarp tried to turn a quick profit by selling official Fed squirt guns. Quite how he persuaded the demi-Goddess Hazed to grant him the franchise, we don't know! Aren made sure the assembled guests didn't go hungry by passing out popcorn. Kain gets "mood of the week" for his typo: instead of "Immortal Servant of Shiva" he labelled himself "IMMORAL Servant of Shiva"! Very appropriate, given the occasion. After the wedding, the couple left for a quiet honeymoon in the quaint village of Horsell. They intend to take up residence in the near future on Prospero's planet, which is currently under construction. **>> LOST AND FOUND We at the Fed News Bulletin office like to think that we offer a genuine service to the public. Now we have tangible proof that our stories can bring a little sunshine into the lives of our readers. Last week we reported that Anais had lost her husband, Clovis, and if he did not return she would be looking elsewhere. As a result of that story, Clovis has returned and the couple have been reunited. When asked where he had been all this time, Clovis said he had no recollection. His memory seemed to have a large chunk missing and he could not account for his disappearance. I don't think we need to look far for the culprit... those Zaturnians have been kidnapping innocent people again, so they can examine them and perform unpleasant experiments as a prelude to their invasion. It seems no-one is safe! **>> LETTER FROM ERICA Dear Editrix, I was appalled to read Arthur Eire's story in last week's news, "FREAK FREAKS OUT, BOND BOUND - DEATH AND SUICIDE ON TRILIGHT" My planet, Trilight, is a peaceful archeological dig, not some sort of 'death trap', as your reporter implies. If curious personages don't heed the warnings and end up dead, Hey: Say La Vee. A few specifics... The trail into the well-named 'Suicide Forest' is clearly marked as being dangerous. If players wish to enter, they do so at their own risk. The "very deep hole in the north of the planet" is very easy to get 'OUT' of... The "high fatality rate"...? Well, for *200 meg*, you buys your ticket, and you takes your chances... "...passes to the restricted area... can easily be found... upon the ground." I make a *200 meg* puzzle, the Toughest Ever In Fed, and get criticized for making (the first part of) it TOO EASY??? The aliens who inhabited Trilight Long, Long ago were a curious sort, and their motives were not always obvious... Erica **>> STOP PRESS! HOLD THE TOP WINDOW! Dear Editrix, I am pleased to report that Ghost has solved the puzzle on Trilight at 3.30am, May 7 1995. Trilight is closed for renovations. Coming soon: a harder puzzle, with an even larger prize! Erica **>> PLANETS AND DUCHIES It's all quiet on the planet front... no new worlds to report on. Kain has remodelled his planet, Empyrean. Apparently, he was taken over by Shiva and became an evil being, her immortal servant... the whole story is told on his newly renovated planet. China has advanced her planet Satin to mining as she climbs the ranks back to her former position as Duchesse. Dierdre and Emmi have attained Baronessness by converting their planets, Cove and Oac, to worlds of leisure. Devon's Tanarith, Emmi's Oac and Maxwell's Dawn have all left Silk's duchy of Fortymile and joined up with Sean's Eire. **>> SPYNET REPORT Sadly, Explorer Zolak went d-d on the eve of having his planet linked into the game. RIP, Zolak. The new Captains were Dibdevlin, Lothar, Stalkerjoe, Kirchansky, Snoopy, Stalkerjoe, Balor, Flasda, Lori, Forestall, Apollo, Rob, Starsinger, Lexa, Pinnacle and Mantis. Lothar, Blargg, Kirchansky, Balor, Snoopy, Lori, Stalkerjoe and Starsinger were promoted to Adventurer or Adventureuse. The Traders Guild admitted Kirchansky, Lori and Starsinger to its membership. Tralfagar and Starsinger became Merchants. Zolak and Wildstar cracked the fiendish GM puzzle, and then went on to become Explorers. This was before Zolak went d-d. China was promoted to Thane, and Dierdre and Emmi to Baroness. Congratulations, everyone! **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Phoenix, Chrysalis, Lyrynna, Grannie, Sparky and Zzzax. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS