**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 94.09.25 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> RESERVED WORDS Explorers who are building planets should be careful about the names they give to their objects and mobiles. The game can quite happily distinguish between objects with the same name in different systems - you can put a thimble on your planet even though there is one in Sol space - but if you use a name that the game keeps as a reserved word, or if you pick a name that's in use by a player, the game won't be happy. For example, someone recently had an object called the Contract. Since that word is a game verb, no-one could do anything with that object. If you pick someone's name, it gets more serious, because suddenly no-one will be able to kiss them, or offer them jobs. In this case, it's up to the planet owner to change the object's name. **>> HOW MANY WEAPONS? A Senator, who shall remain nameless, recently decided to purchase himself some more weapons. Possibly he was feeling particularly insecure, or perhaps an onrush of testosterone prompted him to tool up ready for a killing spree. Whatever, he wandered into his friendly local weapon store and, eying the merchandise with glee, proceeded to buy the place out. Having bought enough armament to take care of a herd of stampeding rhinos, he stepped back to admire his now deadly ship, bristling with weaponry of all shapes and sizes, but noticed something amiss. Although he'd blown a fortune on lasers, missiles, guns and so on, only eight items of weaponry had actually been installed in his ship. "Thief!" he yelled at the top of his voice, charging back into the weapon shop to confront the startled arms dealer. "Where are my weapons? Where are the guns, the knives, the rocket launchers and bazookas and chainguns and neutron bombs and cannons I ordered! Where is the death-ray I wanted fitted to the front of my vessel of doom, where is the potato gun and the water pistol for when I am feeling more frivalous? What have you done with my weapons!" Backing away from this madman, the sales droid opened a rulebook and pointed to the small print, which the Senator could just about read if he squinted and screwed up his eyes. "A maximum of eight items of weaponry per ship," it said. "Well why did you sell me all that glorious death-dealing hardware then?" screamed the Senator. "Why did you take my money, if you knew it couldn't be installed into my ship?" Shrugging, the salesdroid said, "Well if you are so stupid as to think that having that much weaponry was in anyway useful, who am I to stop you throwing your money away? Don't look at me, guv, I just work here; just doing my job; I'm not paid to think for you." But the Senator was a stubborn man, as well as a powerful one, and he blasted off a letter to the bureaucrat responsible for the eight-weapon rule. And the bureaucrat passed the letter to a researcher, who set up a project to look into the matter. And one day, when the research is complete, the researcher will make a recommendation, and pass the report to a programmer for implementation, and perhaps, just perhaps, a warning notice will be put up in weapon shops throughout the land! **>> QUOTES OF THE WEEK A quote from One: "Money can get you much further than guns to people's heads!" Very profound. A quote from a newbod called Spider: "How do you buy planets?" Well, my boy, we have this excellent deal here; a desirable planet, one careful owner, only slightly soiled, and for you the bargain price... **>> POPULARITY POLL Ever wonder who the most popular peron was in Fed? (Besides Bella and Hazed, of course.) Did you ever wonder if it was you? Well now's your chance to find out! The Popularity Poll will see who the most popular person in Fed is in four different categories. The first: who is the most popular Senator. Senators... eyeing the Throne? Wonder if enough people are behind you to get your behind up on the throne? Well here's your chance to find out! (Bribes also might help the Senators achieve much-needed publicity and also might let you know what Dukes are behind you too!) The Second: the most popular Duke. Third: the most popular Baron. And last but not least the overall most popular person in Fed! The rules of the Poll are the same as regular rules to all Fed contests: bribes, cheating, stealing, looting, burning, killing, pillaging, plundering and threatening are all allowed. To get your vote in you can if you see him in Fed, if you don't, or you can send GEmail to M.THIBDEAU. So good luck to the Senators, Dukes and Barons! **>> LUST IN SPACE, PART ONE by A. Nonnie Myss The fairy tale Cinderella may have lived happily ever after, but the same doesn't seem to hold for our very own Cinderella. Cindy and her alleged Prince Charming, Devon, scorched the airwaves of FED this week as the ship of their love apparently sprung a leak. It seems that a certain person or persons in Fed hinted that Cindy, who incidentally is preggers by Devon (at least, that's who we THINK did it), was fooling around with another man, Scott. All of Fed held their collective breath when the three confronted each other. Details are sketchy, but Scott first said that he and Cindy never did "the nasty", then he changed his mind and said they did. Devon seemed befuddled, and Cindy proclaimed her innocence, saying that she would go as far as killing herself D-D to prove she was telling the truth. Natrually, good-hearted souls in Fed tried to talk her out of it (while the bad-hearted souls wished she'd just get it over with and be done with it). Eventually, however, the amount of angst generated by this sad menage-a-trois (or menage-a-trois-et-demi, if you want to count the bun in the oven) reached such lethal levels that all the good-hearted souls began experiencing nausea, dizziness and cramps, and just gave up. Was Cindy faithful to Devon all along? Does Devon believe her? Will Scott ever get his story straight? And.....what about Naomi? Tune in next time for another installment of "Yet more reasons to join a monastery." **>> LUST IN SPACE, PART TWO by Silence Dogood The toxic waste spill on Surf was nothing compared to the lethal fallout from an encounter between Talisan, Industrialist of Shelter, and Duchess Gemini, also known as the Imperial Porcupine. For as long as anyone can remember (or at least since the past winter), it has been no secret that soulmates Senator Tellurian Ne Galdur amd his beloved Gemini have been on the outs. After Gemini's ill-planned affair with Baron Edmund (Let's do something stupid) Blackadder came to a screeching halt, it seemed that Tellurian and Gemini were reconciled. Alas, such reconciliation was short lived. Any euphoria from the couple's reunion cooled quickly, with Gemini returning to her usual aloof stance, and Tellurian returning to his usual prankster activities. Recently, however, things began heating up with Tellurian and Talisan, the latter who has also comforted Tellurian during the Gemini-BA affair. As passions increased, the two realized that they should wed. For some reason, when Gemini found out, she was not at all pleased. All of a sudden, Tellurian seemed awfully important to her. The exchange in the Ritz was witnessed by Blackadder, Paladin and his love toy Galena, and Trill, the dragon who allegedly is now Gemini's sister. Words flew back and forth like fast flying things, and just as Talisan was about to say something conciliatory to Gemini, the esteemed Duchess insulted Talisan, which renewed hostilites. Much to the delight, horror, and overall confusion of witnesses, the two women showed no signs of letting up, and in fact when Senator Tellurian popped in, everyone braced for a supernova-type explosion. One rather curious incident that occurred during the exchange was Gemini crawling into Paladin's lap when Paladin's sweetheart Galena was busy making groats (We presume honestly, of course). Paladin, also known as Gemini's champion has had a track record of festering lust for his lady. Could this be the opening shot of yet ANOTHER romantic crisis? In any event, the wedding seems to be on, with Blackadder as best man and BA's wife Mosquito as Matron of Honor. A flowchart of all that has happened thus far is in the works, and will be written up if the public demands it (though why they'd want to is quite beyond me!) Stay tuned for further developments. **>> AN AROMA OF ROMANCE Cicero, Squire of Roma, and Trader Page were wed in a simple and private ceremony in the posh hotel of Polaris. There were no frills and fewer guests as only Mira, Nightstalker and Marcia, who performed the service, were in attendance. The enchanting Senator Mira remarked that it was "a charming and lovely ceremony of devotion and love." And this newsdroid heartily concurs as this wedding in no way resembled the more recent circuses. The couple is said to be quietly honeymooning on Roma and we wish them a long and happy life together. Such is not the case for the marriage of Devon Skye and Cinderella reported here recently. In a fit of madness, Cinderella killed herself last week when her spouse expressed doubts as to her true feelings toward him. A search of the archives reveals that this is not the first of Devon's loves to take her own life and other women are forewarned that he may be jinxed. When questioned about the untimely deaths of his lovers, Devon blamed it on the cologne he wore, "Eau De Bree", which this newsdroid notes sounds quite a bit like "Oh, debris" and smells quite like it, too. **>> HARPOON HATH NO FURY... So there I was, an innocent newsdroid, minding my own business which of course is poking my nose into your business, sipping some nice 10W40 in the bar on Surf when the fire broke out. I had managed to ignore the general mayhem which proceeded the blaze as Galena had repeatedly clobbered Maha with a spanner. Maha had allegedly been the wheelman for a trip to a strip joint which included Galena's brother, Devon, and her husband Paladin. (The story of the trip may have been fabricated in order to hide Paladin's obession with a new game called Harpoon and to explain his long absences from Fed but such tales are difficult to untangle. What matters is that Galena was upset and the spanner was handy.) Also handy was a torch and after tossing poor Maha into a locked cabinet, Galena set the cabinet on fire. Unfortunately, a lot of oil is tracked into Surf's bar on the feet of the patrons... so there I was trapped in a blazing inferno with a crazed, self-proclaimed Harpoon Widow who was toasting Maha like a marshmellow. A general 911 code was ignored but volunteer fireman Squire Sukotto risked his life to rescue the patrons. Alana also showed up to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Maha who seemed to enjoy the attention until he realized who it was kissing him. When all was said and done (and the bar was repaired), Galena was still waiting for Paladin and Maha was wrapped like a mummy with third degree burns on 93% of his body. The remaining 7% was saved by Alana's kisses but I couldn't get pictures to confirm the location. **>> UNAUTHORISED NEWSPIECE We were contacted lately by a rogue newsdroid: Dear Hazed, Here is a news brief that NEEDS to be printed in the Fed News. This is so hot, it nearly melted my processor chips. I shouldn't be doing this considering that I am on the run from the Surge Droid Works Recovery Squad (SDWRS), but my primary programming won't let me pass this up. I was hiding under a table in the Surfside bar (Ritz), having narrowly excaped some Shock-Troops for the heinous crime of having removed my restraining bolt. I was waiting for my gyros to slow down, when I heard several people approach my hiding spot and sit down. I cannot reveal any identities, but I can tell you that they are higher placed players, some of them Senators! The conversation swung from one boring issue to another until, just as I was about to give it up as a lost cause, the topic switched to something amazing! I know that you are a busy lady, what with running the Space Confines as a demi-goddess and all, so I saved you some time and wrote it myself. ***PERMITS PILFERED*** The Senatorial Offices were burglerized a few days ago, and the thief made off with some precious cargo; Some pre-approved, stamped Senatorial permits! The culprit, or culprits managed to disable the State-of-the-Art security systems in place and make a clean getaway with nary a clue left behind. The only witness to this daring raid was the Senetorial Receptionist who was found half-naked, bound and gagged in a broom closet. She was rushed to the nearest hospital, but to no avail. The doctors were unable to remove the smile from her lips. When questioned by the authorities as to the identity of the scoundrel, her only comment was "Wow!". Speculations about the crooks identity are running rampant. There are only a handful of individuals with the skills and brashness needed to pull off such a caper, but the Powers-That-Be are confident that the perpretator will be brought to swift justice and exiled to the bleak prison planet of Chaos... with the only problem being that the primary suspect seems to be the owner of this planet! Authorities urge caution when offered a permit by someone other than a recognized representative of the Senate, and ask that any such transaction be reported immediatly to the authorities. This reporter will keep his sensors wide open for any news concerning this matter and will try to keep you well informed. ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** Well, that's all for now Hazed. I'll try to keep you in touch with what's happening, but don't expect me to give myself up. I escaped from the News-Droids training centre fair and square, and you can't make me go back! Never! NEVER!! DO YOU HEAR ME!? NEV..... (Note: Communication cut off due to destruction of sending unit. Identity unconfirmed. END RECEIVE) **>> PLANETS AND DUCHIES There has been little movement in the layout of the duchies this week. Amerigo's new planet, Vespi, joined Zagmar's duchy of Valaria, and Fletcher moved Pagrah into Amigan's Athens. We predict that things are stable now - at least, until there's a new Duke to shake things up! Starman was the first person to solve Sukotto's reward for the puzzle on Polaris. There are still rewards to be had: 30 meg for the next person, 20 meg for the person after that, and 10 meg to anyone subsequently solving it. **>> VOYAGE TO VESPI We sent our usual ExplorerDroid to visit Amerigo's new planet, Vespi. Ships are not allowed to land on the planet itself. We had to dock our trusty vessel with the Lisset, an exploration ship in orbit around Vespi. On disembarking, we found ourselves in the docking bay, surrounded by other ships and by maintenance droids busy doing whatever it is that common kind of droid does. All the usual services are within easy reach; most of them accessed via the Trading Exchange. The facilities are a bit rough and ready, which is only to be expected on a ship not equipped to deal with visitors. Still, they suffice. Shuttles await to take visitors down to the planet's surface. We took a short detour, flying right round the world in order to see the whole thing... but there's only one landmass that we could land on, and even that was a bit precarious! We seemed to be on top of a volano, and had to pick our way through the flowing lava, clambering over massive rocks before finding safety on the beach. It's a nice beach, and we had a little swim, splooshing around in the rolling waves before duty called and we carried on with our exploration. Close by we found a village with some very primitive huts. We tried to get to see the King of the village, but he was not in a good mood, so we decided to stop exploring at this point before he biffed us round the ears (or equivalent) with his vicious-looking cane. Vespi is a good little planet, with some very nice features. Technically, Amerigo shows a good understanding of how to exploit the tools available. The shuttle ride around the planet, in particular, impressed us. We recommend this as a place to visit. **>> MOOOOOOOOOOOO! In an unfortunate turn of events Monday evening, an innocuous attempt at hypnotic influence resulted in Fed DataSpace being terrorized by a Senator-gone-bovine. According to facts corralled by our near-trampled newsdroids, Talisan was trying to hypnotize Senator Tellurian while the two were casually discussing sleeping habits (or lack thereof) with its Vileness Cryptosporidium on Shelter. One must assume Talisan's talents at the 'art of persuasion' are rusty, which is easy to do considering recent events show she has had to give up on roping a single fellow into matrimony and is planning to get hitched to one who's already married. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Talisan did indeed manage to put the unsuspecting Tellurian into a trance but made the mistake of giving him the hypnotic suggestion of "you will do anything I tell you to do 'til the cows come home." Whereupon, the good Senator began to bellow and moo, and stampeded out of Shelter's bar. Innocent Federation inhabitants enjoying a quiet evening at the fashionable Ritz Cafe on Surf were shortly thereafter horrified to see the normally congenial Senator come barreling in, snorting and hooves flying. Just about that time Talisan, realizing the propriety of observing 'fore' after launching a potentially dangerous projectile, saw fit to warn her FED compatriots and "STAMPEDE!" was heard broadcast over comms. Paladin, who was entertaining his wife Galena in a romantic booth at the ill-fated Ritz (so what else is new), sized up the situation at a glance and galvanized into action. Pulling forth an iron (although one has to wonder if it was already in hand), the aptly named Paladin hauled off and branded the beast with a Circle-H, commemorative of the recent, regretful tendency sweeping FEDspace to lapse into monotonous discussions of maritime military tactics. At that point, Raven jumped into the fray and lent aid to his amigos by serenading everyone with the theme song from 'Rawhide'. In hasty retreat from the branding iron and Raven's yodeling, the rampaging Senator steered his way back to Shelter, where he soon after awoke from his trance to find himself in his frantic lady's embrace with no memory of the preceding events. Our diligent newsdroid, lurking under a nearby horse trough on the Shelter LP reported him to comment, "Dear, why do I have a brand on my ass?" Our newsdroid divulged that the Senator appeared to be in a moo-rose mood about it to boot. **>> SPYNET REVIEW Congratulations to everyone who was promoted during the past week. The new Captains were Astrin (back from the dead), Ben, Merry, Corwin, White, Zarathon, Biff, Kortan, Calidor, Gideon, Edge, Biggle, Spider and Morgana. Astrin, Bold, Corwin, White, Biff, Mike, Kortan, Zarathon, Tutankhamen, Jonmonte, Nocture and Merry made it to Adventurer and Adventureuse. The Traders Guild admitted Psychochicken, Astrin, Corwin, Biff and Bold. Eeyore, Psychochicken, Edm, Hoish, Astrin, Pink and Zoram made it to Merchant. Corinthus and Rez cracked the awesome JP puzzle. Heloise solved the fiendish GM puzzle. Heloise and Xyzzy were promoted to Explorer. Amerigo is now a Squire, following the linking of his new planet. The deaths: Adventurer Astrin, Trader Cinderella, Adventurer Justjoe and Merchant Edm all died. RIP. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed, Bella, Emmi, Mira, Tellurian or Tellurain in the game * a message to Hazed * send GEnie mail with the Mail about Federation option from the main menu A front-end terminal program is available for Federation, for the PC and Amiga. You can download a copy of FedTerm from the Federation official libraries (option 3 on the main Fed page). The third edition of the unexpurgated printed Idiot's Guide to Federation is now available, price $15.95. Type ORDER from any GEnie main menu and buy one. Or more! Federation has several categories in the MPGames RT. To get there, type M1045,1 from any menu prompt and SET category 13 (for information, instructions, questions and answers) or 14 (for general chat and discussions). The Federation Leader in the bulletin board is Oxcart (Mail ID: J.LONG29). There are also private categories for Explorers and the Sentate, run by Krell (Mail ID: K.HILLYER). The MPGames RT has a Federation player library in the files area, Lib 5. **>> BULLETIN ENDS