**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 92.07.12 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> PROBLEMS AT THE H-by-A OFFICE Hazed has reported that for some reason the NewsDroids seem very sluggish today. "It's strange", she said. "I had to kick them rather hard, several times, before they showed any signs of life, and then they seemed to take a long time to actually warm up and start writing. It's almost as if they don't want to work... but that's ridiculous, after all they are only machines, they don't have any feelings, do they?" **>> LET'S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN Latest news on the Duke puzzle is that the command to let Oddball use his newly-built time machine is now in! The command is . It uses an enormous amount of inputs, so is not to be used lightly! The resulting chronambulation takes you to a new section of the game, a small chunk of countryside enclosed within the time field. This area is called Horsell. While there, the time field prevents you from dying! So the only way to return to the present is to again - using up another enormous quantity of inputs. Unfortunately, Oddball was unable to actually explore Horsell. A bug meant that although the game thought he had timewarped, he remains in Sol Space. But he is existing in a kind of limbo; appearing to be in our time and space, but in reality trapped in a time field - with the result that he cannot die! So if you've wondered why Oddball has been so violent and obnoxious the last few days, challenging everyone to come and kill him, it's because he knows he is safe. Blow his ship up around him, and he will sit there laughing at you. Bella will fix the problem tomorrow, enabling him to wander around Horsell. Oddball has other plans, too - he intends to timewarp forward a few days to check up on exchange prices! Of course, anyone with any knowledge of temporal physics will know that this will not work because it would create a paradox. If Oddball were to go forward in time and gather exchange prices, then come back to the present and act on that information, the prices would be changed by his buying and selling activities. When he reached the point in time that he had visited before, the prices would not match the information he had received on his chronambulation, so a paradox would result. This paradox is often called the "Grandfather Paradox", because of the rules that would prevent Oddball going forward in time and being killed by his own grandchildren. **>> PLAY IT, SAM Since a recent wedding where Oxcart provided the music, many people have wished to play on Oxcart's massive swelling organ. To cater for them, Bella has given us the command. This will work wherever there is a musical instrument. The command was actually requested many years ago by Hazed (or Pugwash as she was then known) when she was designing her first planet, Deep. Her world had an Optherian Crystal Organ on it, which people would be able to play. Finally, the request has reached the top of Bella's "To Do" list - so it's a shame that Deep doesn't exist any more! The piano is Chez Diesel is now an object which you can play, and you can also play the kalindra. There will shortly be a new workbench flag letting planet owners specify objects as musical instruments. The command works like the command - you can specify what you play. If you type others in the room will see "Hazed plays a quick snatch of Bach". Of course, players have been quick to sieze on this command and find variations that do not involve music - play hard to get, play for time and so on. A prize will be awarded to the one person who has so far resisted the temptation to use the command to "play with himself"! **>> WARNING - DANGER AHEAD We've been warned by many people about the dangers of the planet Brewski (owned by Otoole). There is a death location 1 west of the hospital, so if you die on Brewski, you are advised to sell your spaceship and to another planet before looking for an insurance office. Kimos was unlucky enough to fall foul of this rogue location - he died dead- dead. Don't let it happen to you! **>> THE OLD ONES ARE THE BEST If any of the Barons manage to solve the Duke puzzle, their planets will be taken out of the game for good - in fact, solving the puzzle involves blowing up your planet completely! By special request, Bella has decided to run an "Oldies Night" once every month or so, where the full version of obsolete planets can be loaded into the game to give new players a chance to admire the handiwork of the highest ranking players. We'll give you more details about the first "Oldies Night" once Bella has sorted out how it will work. **>> RTC SCHEDULE There has been an informal competition between Cryptosporidium and Bella for many years, both of them trying to be the most vague person/thing ever. They're currently running neck and neck (or equivalent and equivalent). But now a new entry in the race is threatening to out-vague the two of them put together! We've been nagging Krell to tell us about the Fed RTCs she runs in plenty of time for us to publicise them in the news. Today we finally cornered her and asked her for the schedule for the next few months. She replied (and we quote) "Well today is mapping and puzzle solving, but how I'm going to teach that I don't know. Two weeks from now is God only knows what. Next month will be some other thing." So now you know. **>> SNIPPETS This is the section for items that are not important enough for us to think up a witty headline. Remember last week we reported that Riccardo's insurance was at a record 7.3 meg, but we didn't know what he had been doing to die that many times? Well, he has told us. He's been committing suicide a lot. He didn't realise he could give money to his planetary treasury (the command is but that's obviously too obscure for him) so he's been dying on Links and reinsuring to pass the the groats to his planet. Where is Mirth? Trista has been running around with a mood reading "Missing Mirth". When asked about his whereabouts she merely sighed. The question is, does she mean that she wishes he were not absent, or that she has been trying to kill him but her twin laser is not accurate enough? Dyars caught Riccardo and Ashley involved in a heavy scene in Samantha's recently - Ashley appeared to be handcuffed to the bar, and was asking for volunteers to join in the fun! On the subject of Ashley's handcuffs, Kimos wants to know if they are real stainless steel. He plans to invite her for a sauna on the moon to see if they heat up. (Oxcart, of course, just wants to know if the cuffs are mink-lined!) Meanwhile Kimos and Morgana seem to have been playing hide the salami recently. She has obviously got over her grief from Dyar's throwing her over for Kittycat. Seriamarias, a struggling Commander, was seen drinking way beyond her capacity at Chez Diesel. Sadly, she's one of those types that loses all control when she drinks - not only did she try to seduce Diesel, she also gambled three-quarters of her trader points away on the roulette wheel. It's a good thing there was no-one there to take advantage of her! **>> NAME THAT PLANET We've had a few more suggestions for Cryptosporidium's non-existent planet. Fomalhaut, who gave us many extremely interesting ideas a few weeks ago, has yet another suggestion - PMS; and Sheffield has contributed Smegma (we mean his suggestion for the planetname is Smegma, not that he has... well you know what we mean!) We'll keep this going for a few more weeks, until we get totally bored with it, then we'll award a groat or two to the best one we've received. **>> PROMOTIONS NEWS Mjyaarc has made it to Adventurer, as well as winning this week's prize for the name that's most difficult to spell. Mizzcreant, Dyeers and Berthab were all promoted to Trader - well done chaps. Kimos has made it back up to JP after his untimely death on Brewski. He made the jump from Commander to Merchant in under 5 minutes! Oddball hasn't been promoted yet, but he has played 3000 games, so deserves a mention. **>>CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or Bella in the game * leave a message in the game log * a message to Hazed or Bella * send GEnie mail with the Federation Feedback option from the main menu You can order a copy of the unexpurgated printed Idiot's Guide to Federation by typing ORDER at any GEnie menu. Cost - a mere $12.95. (New edition will be available shortly!) Federation has several categories in the new MPGames RT. To get there, type M1045,1 from any menu prompt and SET category 13 (for information, instructions, questions and answers) or 14 (for general chat and discussions). The Federation Leader in the bulletin board is Krell (Mail ID: K.HILLYER). There are also private categories for Explorers, run by Krell, and for the Conclave run by Oddball (Mail ID: D.STALZLE). The MPGames RT also has a Federation library in the files area, Library 5. Library 18 holds the Federation News Archives. **>> BULLETIN ENDS