**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 91.09.15 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE Unless you've had your head in a bucket for the last fortnight, you'll know that the Hazed droid is taking time out to have a well-deserved nervous breakdown. In her absence, it's... ======================================================================== -- The SpyNet Sport -- -- Stardate 208428 -- ======================================================================== SOAPBOX CORNER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just when the Galactic Administration's Fascist Bully-boy Death Squad thought it had finally nailed us, here we are with another edition of the Super, Soar-away, SpyNet Sport, the publication that 9 out of 10 Fedder's never wanted to see again. In this issue we bring you... * Absolutely no mention of the size of Bella's arse! * Otoole seen sober! * The obligatory moose story * Hazed walks on water! But first, we have some announcements from the Galactic Administration's Ministry of Truth. They are apparently going to send 'Da Boys' round (again) if we don't publish them! NEW STUFF ~~~~~~~~~ Our Illustrious Leader has been hard at work debugging the latest version of the Fed-writing droid. She tells us that it has now promised to behave properly, and won't become obsessed with shuttle doors again. Indeed, it is now functioning so well that you can look forward to more planets being linked into the game this week. No prizes for guessing who's next in the queue if we advise you to have your spelling-checkers to hand (or equivalent).... Last week's news predicted an explosion of factories on player-owned planets. It looks as though this prediction may come true, but not in quite the way it was intended! The most important change in the coming week is the long promised (or threatened) limit on the number of factories that a player can have. As of FRIDAY, you won't be able to own more than eight. That's eight factories, total. Any factories in excess of the prescribed number (8, just in case you missed it) will be *NUKED*, so sell them now while you've still got the chance. From Monday, you will be able to abbreviate WAREHOUSE to WARE, and JUMP to J. That should save a little wear and tear on the fingers (or equivalent). You won't be able to own more than EIGHT factories after Friday. Following some world-class grovelling from Masher, Poor People can now use the Interstellar Links. The original decree forbidding those below Adventurer to use the links was intended to protect young innocents from some of the more exotic places that can be found in other star systems. Now although Masher is a mere Captain, he has been a Captain for longer than anyone cares to think about and doesn't exactly qualify as a young innocent any more. By way of a compromise the wise and benevolent Galactic Administration has decreed that Poor People with 100 games on the clock may use the links as well. No doubt someone will soon produce a macro which logs you in and out of the game 100 times.... You won't be able to own more than EIGHT factories after Friday. (Tell 'em what you're going to say, tell 'em, tell 'em what you just said.) Those of you who have more groats than sense will be appalled to hear that you can no longer use the command if you don't have a ship loan. Up until now the bank has taken your groats whether you owe them any money or not. Believe it or not, someone actually complained that the game had let them make repayments on a non-existent loan! Here at the SpyNet Sport we aren't saying a word! You won't be able to own more than EIGHT factories... >THWOK!< Still on the 'not-yet-fixed' pile is the quirk that makes Pegasus pop into the bar on Inversity from time to time (quite why he would want to go to a place where they water the beer is anyone's guess). We include this only so that we can mention Krell, who claims to have zapped him while he sat there supping his pint. You know about the limit on factories, right? Meanwhile, in the Multi-Player Games RT, there is a new library to hold the Federation II news archives. These absolutely splendid works have been moved out of the Federation II library and can now be found in the Federation II News library (you'd never have guessed, would you?). Finally, there are a couple more changes to factories on the way. These won't be happening immediately, but the Fed-writing droid should be getting around to them in the not too distant future. You will be able to pipeline factories so that the output from one can be go straight into another as an input, without having to be stashed in a warehouse on the way. And the FTU will be made shorter, so the factories will run through their cycles more quickly and will run for less time when you are not logged on to the game. (That's less time in hours and minutes, not less time in FTUs!) Oh, and just in case you missed it, you won't be able to have more than 8 factories after Friday! IT'S NOT A BUG, IT'S A FEATURE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our mole inside the Galactic Administration's Believe-It-Or-Not Department tells us that a bug has been reported regarding the command; it causes you to lose money when you bet on the roulette wheel (honest!). What can we say? You bets your money and you takes your chance; the croupier droid is, let's be honest, fixed. If you really pay attention you will eventually catch it as it rakes off the house's cut. Also in the two-bricks-short-of-a-full-load category is the complaint that the command doesn't work on Snark. Considering the average life-expectancy of anyone, or anything, on Snark, it is hardly surprising that the liner operators aren't too keen to send their expensive ships there! ... OF THE WEEK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Mood of the week' award goes to Oxcart for "can't talk cuz I'm Ignoring you...". Trippin ran a very close second with "I'm not as think as you drunk I am" (and it took the SpyNet Sport droid three goes to get that right). The recipient of 'Typo of the week' will remain anonymous, but outshone the competition with the following contribution: "There seems to be a big problem with the CHECK PRICE command". Helpful, isn't it? A large- bottomed spokesthing for the Galactic Administration told us that its programmers will soon be issued with crystal balls. 'Clone of the week' goes to the Cryptosporidiun/Baysidium. If you weren't there, you'll have to ask someone who was because we're not going to mention L*g*n in the news this week - it only encourages him. THINGS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN FED ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By special request, we send our intrepid blob-on-the-wall investigative journalism team over to the Galactic Administration's Department of Thought to unearth some things that you WON'T be seeing in the game. If you haven't heard of this obscure department before, you might like to know that it is famous throughout the length and breadth of Sirius II for employing the man who once declared that a command would never catch on! Top of the rejection pile was the command. Anyone who has ever partaken of the occasional tipple (on both sides of the keyboard) whilst logged on will surely appreciate the way that the C and T keys swap themselves around! The SpyNet Sport has it on good authority that Hazed for one would kill for such a command! Also for those fond of the amber nectar is the command. Once you have become the game will shlur your wordsh for you. Hicsh! Of course, if the game were to be really clever, it would automatically make you as soon as it saw an command.... Not wishing to make it appear that Fed is full of alcoholics, we rummaged a little deeper in the rejection pile until we found something that didn't involve booze. It was difficult, but eventually we dug up a plea for a command! We wouldn't like to embarrass the suggestee by naming him, but suffice to say that his aversion to work will obvious ensure that he remains a Captain for a very long time. Incidentally, we hear on the grapevine that the Galactic Administration is considering changing the JP puzzle. Being knee-(or equivalent)-deep in Rich People, as we are, it is rumoured that it will no longer be necessary to find Poor People and persuade them to do obscure things deep in the Martian Ruins on your behalf. It will, instead, be sufficient only to locate a Poor Person! DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTION ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lordy, Hazed made a mishtake! Occy's Tuesday conferences in the Multi- Player Games RTC start at 10.00pm, not at 9.00pm. Personally, we think it more likely that Occy turned up an hour late for last week's conference and doesn't want to admit it! LOVE LINES ~~~~~~~~~~ Remember the torrid affair of Catrina and Rezrov? Well spybeam receivers have once again been steaming up as all manner of goings-on go on between Galauriel and Flatlander. The SpyNet Sport is not the sort of publication to go in for idle tittle-tattle, but this is tipped to be more than just a quick grope behind the water shed! Krell, the most lusted-after woman in the Galaxy (after Hazed, of course), has finally decided to settle down! She has announced her impending marriage to Maxis; the happy couple will be settling down to raise 2.4 kids and three-quarters of a dog just as soon as her planet is linked in. Krell's many ex-suitors are apparently queueing up to top themselves under the altar in the Martian ruins. Hazed was quoted as saying that she was "Over the moon" at being asked to be a bridesmaid (mind you, that was her last utterance before setting off to have her nervous breakdown). There have been many sightings of Oddball and Tal (Just call me Taliana) canoodling behind the bicycle sheds on Castillo. And if you think that's unlikely, Oxcart would have us believe that Cryptosporidium is being pursued by an ardent admirer (he never did tell us it's name though). Freya is apparently besotted with a Poor Person who may or may not be called Kraight. We have no more details on this, and can only conclude that Freya is satisfying an urge for a bit of rough. PROMOTION NEWS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There isn't a great deal of promotion news this week. In fact, the only person who could be bothered to send us anything was Lord, who asked us to tell of his recent promotion and to thank everyone, especially Cyrfox, for all their help. Congratulations, and consider it done, Lord. It's just a shame that you omitted to tell us what you were promoted to! THE GUEST SPOT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For the first (and probably last) time, and at the risk of upsetting our intrepid stain-on-the-wall investigative journalism team, we are allowing a guest contributor to appear in the hallowed pages of the SpyNet Sport. It is, of course, questionable whether our guest would have contributed had she know where she was going to end up! Over to Galauriel... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The drinks flew fast and furious (as did a number of other things) at Horny Harridan's on Haven last Saturday night. Never the one to let an opportunity for a party to slip through his grasp, Flatlander decided to celebrate his promotion to Merchant with style. To start the party off, he read a short poem by 'the bard of all bards', Bobbie Burns... Here's a bottle and an honest friend! What wad ye wish for mair, man? Wha kens, before his life may end, What his share may be o' care, man? Then catch the moments as they fly, And use them as ye ought, man! Believe me, Happiness is shy, And comes not ay when sought, man! It seems that a few of the party goers, who shall remain unnamed (Freya, Zero, and Tuck), had some sort allegiance to a place called Scotland and had no problem figuring what the poem meant. (Personally, I thought it was a deviously ciphered clue to a new puzzle.) After various brands of fine Scottish Whiskey were passed around (one being mistaken for a dog by Oxcart), Flatlander introduced the party goers to a game he dug up from the Navy archives on Earth. It seems the object of the game was to simulate a 1990's style Navy jet landing on a carrier at sea. He demonstrated it by placing several tables together to form the landing deck and, cheered on by the bystanders, took a flying dive onto them. Unfortunately he had a little too much momentum going and slid right off the other end and crashed and burned onto the floor. Only one other brave soul took a stab at the game. Gandolf, who thought for a moment he was in another section of MPGames, gracefully levitated onto the tables. After being jeered and booed, he tried again the 'normal' way, ending up much like Flatlander. What party would be complete without cake and ice cream? Well, cake at least. And what a cake it was! Out of it jumped Galauriel dressed (or should I say, undressed) in a Turkish belly dancer costume. She gyrated around the room to the wild applauding of the male attendees. But, it seemed that once wasn't enough for this party. At the request of Russ, Squire of Haven, Flatlander wheeled out another cake and out jumped Galauriel for a repeat performance. Enhancer took home movies, if anyone is interested... but Cyrfox may have pilfered them. Congratulations to Flatlander on making Merchant and on a fine party. What will happen when he makes JP?!? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, thanks to Gal for that absolutely riveting account. We have been asked by certain pedants on the SpyNet Sport editorial team to point out that Scotland produces whisky; whiskey comes from Ireland. So now you know! HAZED WALKS ON WATER! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You must be kidding, even the SpyNet Sport wouldn't run that! RAPE AND PILLAGE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soon-to-be-Groom Maxis has apparently been making the most of his remaining time as a bachelor by seducing young innocents. As if that wasn't enough, he has then been luring them into the Interplanetary Wastes and vapourising them. Naturally, we at the SpyNet Sport have no interest in such sordid matters, but it will be interesting to find out what his future bride thinks about it. We predict a rapid cancellation of the impending nuptials! SOAPBOX CORNER 2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Th-th-that's all, Folks! And remember, the Super, Soaraway, Spynet Sport doesn't give a monkey's about anonimity... If those who have been blabbed about wish to know who the informant was, they have only to offer us an obscene amount of money! The SpyNet Sport would like to apologise for the absence of the obligatory moose story. ======================================================================== **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed, Bella or Clem in the game * leave a message in the game log * send mail with the Federation Feedback option from the main menu You can order a copy of the unexpurgated printed Idiot's Guide to Federation II by typing ORDER at any GEnie menu. Cost - a mere $12.95. Federation II has a category in the new MPGames RT. To get there, type M1045,1 from any from any menu prompt and SET category 14. The Federation II Leader in the bulletin board is Occy (Mail ID: OCPAC). Topic 1 of the Fed category contains the Federation II policy statement. The MPGames RT also has a Federation II library in the files area, Library 5. **>> BULLETIN ENDS