**************************************** * * * FEDERATION DATA SPACE NEWS SERVICE * * * * from * * H-by-A * * * * 30 September 1990 * * * **************************************** A JOURNEYPERSON AT LAST! ------------------------ **>> Stardate 208077:0805 Piemur has just reached JP. Thus read yesterday's SpyNet Report - and about time too! After a week of killing himself, killing his helpers, blowing up the Martian ruins and falling into the depths of despair, Piemur finally got it right and successfully started up the power system, becoming GEnie's first JourneyPerson. Never in the history of promotion has so much been damaged by so few with such regular monotony. Piemur was so frequent a visitor to The St Kenneth's Memorial Hospital on Earth that they reserved a special bed for him. But what of Santiago, we hear you ask? Last week we reported that he appeared to have temporarily abandoned his efforts to get his stats into a suitable state, leaving Piemur with a clear field. But seeing his name in the news obviously spurred him on; he quickly improved his vital statistics and proposed to Piemur that the two of them should co-operate to solve the fiendish JP puzzle. Piemur was only too delighted at the idea. He helped Santiago through the initial parts of the puzzle and the two of them tried to work out what they needed to do in order to get the power system going. The deal was that Santiago would allow Piemur to get his promotion first. This meant that it was Pie himself who got to experiment every time they had a new brainwave - and Pie who died when things went wrong! His insurance soon mounted... and mounted... but he wouldn't let Sago have a go, because he was determined to be the First JP. Finally, Piemur managed to piece together all the clues, and was certain he knew what he had to do. This time, he knew, he would make it. He recruited the helpers he needed, and started gathering up the necessary objects. But disaster struck! Some of the objects were missing! He hung around waiting, but they didn't reappear. (Objects which have been taken out of the game reappear in anything between 15 and 55 minutes - and one of the Rules of Fed is that when you are waiting for something, it always takes the maximum possible time!) Frantic comm messages went out, asking if anyone had seen the missing items. No-one had. Perhaps someone had picked them up and then dropped them somewhere else? Search parties set out to visit every location on every planet. And finally they were discovered... very well hidden in an obscure corner that no-one normally visits. Had someone been trying to sabotage Piemur's chances of promotion? Taking a deep breath, with his heart in his mouth and his courage in both hands, Piemur tried to turn on the electricity. Success! Piemur had attained JourneyPersonHood. Loud cheers echoed through the Interplanetary Wastes and the champagne flowed in Chez Diesel as a tired but jubilant Piemur celebrated his new position. Santiago decided that as soon as the objects regenerated, he would have a go as well. He waited until they reappeared, then gathered them up and placed them somewhere safe while he recruited the people. But when he went back later, he found that one of the objects had gone for a walk! Had someone been trying to sabotage Santiago's chances of promotion? Well, it has often been the case that an alliance only lasts until someone gets the upper hand (or equivalent). Then it is every man, woman or thing for his, her or itself. That's human (or alien) nature for you! Provided he can grab the necessary objects before someone hides them, and recruit the necessary people before someone bribes them, Santiago will be trying again today. In fact, by the time you read this, he may already have been successful! We doubt it though. OBNOXIOUS COMMANDERS -------------------- There seems to be a feud going on between Magellan and Phaedrus. It appears that Phaedrus has been making rather obscene comments regarding Magellan's mother. Whether Phaedrus has ever met Magellan's mother is not clear; we ourselves are not acquainted with the lady in question so cannot speak for the truthfulness, or otherwise, of Phaedrus' statements. But we are sure that if he continues his disparaging comments, it will be twin lasers at dawn! SPECULATION! ------------ Hands up all the Merchants who have moaned about yet more bloody trading to get their stats up? OK, you can all put your hands down now, and pay attention because this is to your advantage. Merchants are going to be provided with a new feature, called Speculation. It will be a while before this is actually implemented, and Our Illustrious Leader hasn't worked out all the details yet, but it will be an alternative way for Merchants to make groats. When it is implemented, companies and factories will be shifted upwards so that only JPs and over can buy them - but those of you with factories at the moment will be able to hang on to them. More details will be available over the next few weeks. However, in preparation for this, there is a new command that Merchants and above can use; the command. Basically, if you stand in an Exchange and type you will be given a complete list of the agricultural products, how much the exchange has available, and the prices it is offering and asking for each commodity. The list will be updated every four minutes or so. This will replace the normal trade prices. Information can be had for each of the five commodities, replacing AGRI with TECH, INDUSTRIAL, MINING or LEISURE. You can turn this display off, and go back to the normal listing of every commodity, by typing . Note that unlike the other commands (, , etc) this command is two separate words. Eventually the rest of the commands will be changed to a two word syntax, for the sake of consistency and good English. The command will be an immediate boon to Merchants, even if they still have to trade in the normal boring old way! NEW JOB SYSTEM -------------- Hands up all those Poor People who have moaned about how difficult jobs are. Your troubles are also over. Following suggestions by some of the players, the way that jobs work is going to change radically some time in the next month. The current jobs being offered by Transportation will go. Instead there will be two types of job. The first type will be basic "milk-runs". When you type you will automatically be given a job from the planet you are on. You won't have any choice about accepting it. All you have to do is load the goods and deliver them. There will be no competition between players for these jobs, and you will not have to decide whether your ship is large enough to carry the cargo. Because they are milk-runs, these jobs will be poorly paid. They will cover your fuel costs and give you a little extra for living expenses, but don't expect to make a fortune on them. More lucrative jobs will be available via the network of rumours (known as SlyNet) in the bars and cafes. Whenever you are in a bar, you will be offered a job every 40 seconds or so. The job won't necessarily be from the planet you are on, and you will have to compete with any players in bars anywhere in the Solar System - as everyone knows, rumours are one of the few things that travel faster than the speed of light. If you accept one of these jobs, you can expect to be very well paid! Because the milk-run jobs are going to require little effort, the trader ratings required for promotion to Adventurer and Trader will rise again. However, the new job system will run for a week before the requirements are raised, so that people who are almost there aren't penalised. This will also give Bella a chance to see how well the new system works, and make any tweaks necessary. You can expect this new system of jobs to be implemented some time before the end of October. More details will be reported in the News, of course. OOOOOOPS! OF THE WEEK --------------------- Poor old Santiago. Desperate to become the Second JP, he wandered into the ruins yesterday afternoon in search of one of the objects he needed. It was, indeed, where he expected it to be. He tried to pick it up and was told that he wasn't up to picking it up. So he looked at his inventory to choose which item to drop. There wasn't a lot of choice - he was only carrying one thing - so he dropped that item. Unfortunately, it was the Tdx. It exploded. He died. We laughed. THIS WEEK'S GOSSIP ------------------ Because of your extreme reluctance to provide the H-by-A News Service with suitable scandal, we have decided to sub-contract this section of the Bulletin to our sister journal, The SpyNet Enquirer. LEGAL NOTE: H-by-A take absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for the contents of the following reports, honestly, they are nothing to do with us, look, you don't think we wrote that rubbish do you? We just print what we are paid to print, don't bother suing us, it won't do you any good, our lawyers are highly paid, please, it's NOT OUR FAULT! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The SpyNet Enquirer -- Stardate 208078 -- NOT an H-by-A publication ----------------------------------------------------------------------- SOAPBOX CORNER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From the ashes of the legendary SpyNet Sport (famous throughout the length and breadth of the fleshpots of Sirius II for being the first to voice the question on every Fedder's lips - Has Bella got a fat arse or what?) rises the Super, Soaraway, Almost-the-same-but-this-is- a-family-network-so-we-have-to-tone-it-down-a-bit-(well-a-lot-actually) SpyNet Enquirer, the publication that dares to answer the questions you'd never dreamt of asking! Despite threats that they will become targets for the Galactic Administration's Fascist Bullyboy Hit Squads, the fearless reporters of the SpyNet Sport's award-winning 'stain-on-the-wall' investigative team have been recalled from their hiding places to once again bring you, The Public, the Thoroughly Investigated True Stories that you deserve! In this our first (and quite possibly last) issue, we have: * Absolutely no mention whatsoever of those red-eyed alien scumbag TWF so-called journalists at TWF. * The explosive truth about Piemur. * Nothing at all about moose pizzas. * Definitely no more comments about Bella's excessively large arse. * Gonzul seen alive shock-horror! THINGS THAT GO BANG IN THE NIGHT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The attention of the media circus has this week focused on the series of explosions in the Martian ruins. Believed by most to be part of Piemur's quest to reach the dizzy heights of Journeypersonhood, this was actually all a cover for more sinister goings-on. While the glare of publicity was directed towards Mars, more explosions ripped through the industrial areas of several other planets. Large smouldering craters spread across the Solar System like zits on an adolescent's face! Initial speculation blamed faults in some of the Galactic Electricity Generating Board's nuclear generators. A spokesthing for the Venus Freedom Party said this proved that nuclear generators were inherently unstable. A spokesthing for the GEGB blamed the explosions on bombs planted by VFP extremists and said this proved that nuclear reactors were perfectly safe unless someone blew them up. The spokesthing for the VFP denied this, but admitted that planting the odd bomb would make an interesting change from haranguing all and sundry. Saddam Hussein submitted a 90-minute video in which he patted some small aliens on the head and explained why he had annexed the nuclear generators in question. We used the tape to record an episode of Dallas. It didn't take much to discover that there weren't, in fact, any nuclear generators anywhere near the sites of the explosions. Closer investigation revealed that most of the factories destroyed had been producing petrochemicals; what's more, only ONE petrochemicals factory in the entire Solar System had escaped unscathed. We smelt a rat (but the personal hygiene of SpyNet Enquirer journalists isn't important). Our enquiries soon led us to the owner of the sole functioning petrochemicals factory. We approached the person in question (who shall remain nameless because we wouldn't like to embarrass Lady) and warned her that if she didn't spill the beans we would make up enough evidence to prove that she had nuked the factories with a stolen supply of the Top Secret Quark missiles. Common decency prevents the publication of her reply, but suffice to say that the second word was "Off". Naturally, it takes more than this to stop The SpyNet Enquirer getting its story! Persistent questioning, and a little help from a pair of thumbscrews and a sharp stick, coerced the following statement from her: "It's that lunatic Piemur. He's set up a place in the ruins where he brainwashes Poor People and convinces them that they LIKE going around blowing things up. Once they've had enough practice in the ruins he sends them out to plant bombs in his competitors' factories. He's really flipped since he got a taste of power. He's told me that unless I sell petros to him at 10 groats a ton, my factory will be next." We made for the Martian ruins. All the signs agreed with the story we'd been told (especially the one that read "Piemur's Place this way... top prices paid for quality explosives"). Masquarading as Poor People, we infiltrated his lair and there witnessed a classic demonstration of unchecked megalomania. After a bizarre ceremony involving rolled-up trouser legs and baring of breasts, the evil, power-mad maniac made a lengthy (and mostly incoherent) speech to a massed group of at least two of his hapless followers, exhorting them to embark upon an orgy of death and destruction. Those who believed in his omnipotence would, he claimed, be rewarded by untold riches. But it was only at the end of his speech that the unbelievable depths of his sickness became apparent. Attaching hiself to a small thermo-nuclear device, he said that he would demonstrate his limitless abilities by detonating the device and SURVIVING. At this point, even hardened SpyNet Enquirer journalists had to admit that a good story isn't worth being vapourised for, so we made our excuses and ran away. Very quickly! We have made the results of our investigation available to the Galactic Administration's Department of Deranged Loonies. Steps must be taken to curb such fanaticism so that you, The Public, may sleep safely in your beds at night. MOOSE IN A PIZZA SHOCK HORROR EXCLUSIVE!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Proprieteuse of Chez Diesel (Social Centre of the Solar System and Most Mentioned Place in the Truly Wonderful Idiot's Guide to Federation II (by those jolly nice people at H-by-A)) today denied that she had been serving moose pizzas to her customers. It was, she claimed, a pack of lies fabricated by her competitors in an attempt to discredit her. When our fearless journalists pressed her to explain why she had a moose head in the fridge they were forcibly ejected from the premises. Enough said! GONZUL LIVES! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As yet unconfirmed reports have reached our ever-attentive ears that Gonzul is alive and well and working in a 7-11 store on Sirius II. Unsubstantiated rumour has it that he was actually kidnapped by red-eyed aliens and that tales of his death were the result of a disinformation campaign instigated by the Galactic Administration's Fascist Bullyboy Department of Truth. A large-bottomed spokesdroid for the Galactic Administration later described this as 'A load of old codswallop.'