AOL NEWS YEARBOOK
Earthdate July 1997


Highlights from the month's news compiled by the demi-Goddess Hazed.


THE MONTH IN BRIEF

In July, science fiction became fact as the NASA space probe Pathfinder landed on Mars. Diesel had no comment to make.

Duchy Mania was a kind of Olympics for duchy members, to find out which duchy truly was the best. It was hotly contended by the duchies of Connor, Necis, Mirror, Qued, Gallery, Valhalla and Backdraft, who competed in three contests: deficit filling, a Magellan Cup race for Dukes, and a special Capture the Flag. The overall winner, henceforth known as "Best duchy in Fed" and entitled to the bragging rights until the next Duchy showdown, was Gallery. Congratulations!

Hazed laid down the law about the ever increasing adverts for lottos, insisting they stay off Channel 1 and are kept to a minimum on other channels - much to the relief of everyone except the people who run lottos.

NancyT9369 won the Walrus of Merit for her planet Tiempo.

Not a lot official happened in the game itself, because we were all busy getting things ready for the move to the web, including setting up the hardware: several very powerful computers, extra hard disk units, routers and so on.


WE WANT THE DUKE PUZZLE!

Yes, many people are fed up that the Duke puzzle isn't working, so the Sol duchy is getting grossly over-crowded. We asked Hazed just why the puzzle has been disabled for so long, and why it can't be fixed now. Here's what she said:

The reason the Duke puzzle was turned off is because one of the major aspects of that new code release a few months ago was a complete rewrite of the way planets come into the game, promote, etc. We initially turned off new planets coming into the game so we could concentrate on fixing the problems with existing planets coming online and offline. Once that was sorted, we allowed new planets to get linked and then were able to deal with the problems associated with that.

The Duke puzzle has its own set of problems because planets change completely when they become bureaucracies, and we could not bring back the Duke puzzle until all other planet problems were sorted. But before we could do that, AOL told us that Fed had to leave and we decided to set the game up on the web. At this point we had to draw a line and say "no more work will be done on AOL Fed" because we need to devote all our time, energy and resources to getting things set up for Web Fed. This includes buying hardware and setting it up, sorting out connections to the Internet, writing support software, and much more.

Once we are over on the web, we can go back to developing Fed, so frustrated Barons will be able to risk their all in an attempt to promote to Duke.


AIR FORCE SAYS REPORTED SPACECRAFT WAS WEATHER BALLOON

BY WILLIAM J. BROADSWORD

[Note from Hazed: generally, we only print original material in the Fed News. However, this story appeared in my mailbox on one of those Internet joke lists. I thought it was so funny, and so appropriate, that I am reprinting it here.]

CYDONIA MENSAE (AP) -- Spokesman for the Official Martian Air Force (OMAF) said today that rumors of a crashed alien spacecraft said to have come down in the Ares Vallis desert were entirely false and had been grossly exaggerated by the Martian news media.

Although earlier reports from eyewitnesses along with a preliminary statement by military personnel who visited the alleged crash site suggested that what had landed may have been of extraterrestrial origin, Air Force officials told reporters that materials recovered from the area prove "beyond any possible doubt" that the incident was due to a downed weather balloon released earlier in the week to track dust-storm activity near Olympus Mons.

In a special press conference held late this afternoon at the Pyramid, Col. R.J. "Dusty" Crater held up a fragment of torn fabric recovered from the crash site to prove to reporters that the material could not possibly have been of alien origin. "See," Col. Crater explained, "it's just bits of thin cloth like material. Does this look in any way like part of a spacecraft from another planet? You can all go home now."

Flying saucer buffs and conspiracy theorists were quick to discount the official explanation, however. "We've seen this all before," remarked Walt Hynek, director of the 3,000-member Martian Universal Flying Object Network (MUFON). "This is just the typical official song and dance they always use to distract the media while they cover up the physical evidence. We saw the same thing when something came down back in '76. Now that entire area of Mars is off limits to civilians, so we'll never be able to discover the truth. I think it's about time the public was allowed to know the real story."

Astronomers interviewed by the New Cydonia Times scoffed at the notion that extraterrestrial visitors would land in one of the least interesting regions of Mars. "Why wouldn't they land near something obviously important, like the Great Stone Head, instead of in the middle of a vast desert?" one asked. "No form of advanced intelligence would land where there's nothing of interest to observe but rocks."

Cydonia University astronomer Carl Smajan was equally skeptical. "Where could such a craft possibly come from?" asked Dr. Smajan. "There are simply no planets in the solar system which have an atmosphere like ours. Some people have suggested they could come from Earth, but there's far too much oxygen in the atmosphere there. Any organisms would burn up immediately. This has been proven in laboratory experiments with Martian bacteria."

"We've heard claims of landed alien spacecraft for decades now," Smajan said. "But, I ask you, where is the proof? How come we don't have so much as an alien water extractor on display in the Cydonia National Museum? Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence!"

Alien-contact enthusiasts were unperturbed by such rational arguments, however, contending the evidence must have been taken into custody by military personnel. Rumors and conspiracy theories were running rampant. One wild-eyed witness actually claimed he say a tiny alien space car driving slowly across the desert.

"We'll never win this debate," Col. Crater remarked. "The true believers out there just aren't willing to accept that we're alone in the universe. Nothing we say or do will ever convince them otherwise."


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART I

A numismatist (yes, go look the word up in a dictionary) asks: "What does a groat look like?"

These days most transactions are carried out electronically. When you pay for goods or services, or give groats to your friends, you are not in fact handing over wads of notes or bags of coins; you are simply transferring money directly from your bank account to theirs (and the taxman of course takes his slice directly from your bank balance without you having to trundle a wheelbarrow full of groats along to the Imperial Tax Assassin's office).

However, there are a few coins and notes still in existence, most of which are held by collectors. In fact there is only one place in the whole Galaxy where you can actually use a real groat (as opposed to the virtual groats that exist only in the bank's computers) and that a piece of very old technology, a vending machine. This machine is designed to take thirteen-sided groat coins, which at one time were very common; now only one is believed to be in general circulation.


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART II

A curious writer asks, "How does bribing the technician zero your insurance? How does he do it?"

The technician works in the head office of the Insurance Department. His is a lowly position, and although his title is Technician his job is really to clean up after the people who do the real work, sweep the floors, make them tea, and so on. But he's a bright lad and he's been doing a correspondence course in computing, and over time he's learnt quite a bit by watching the real technicians at their workstations.

Now, you'd think that a major organization such as this would be paranoid about security, and that everyone who worked for them would take every precaution to make sure hackers can't break into the system. But there's always one who is careless, or stupid, or who just doesn't think it will ever happen. In this company, we're talking about a guy called Charlie, who has privileges for the main computer that stores insurance details - he can read the files, change them, move them around, whatever. And guess what - his password is CHARLIE.

Our technician is no fool, despite only being one step up from a cleaning droid, and when he's sweeping the floor after hours he sometimes plays with the computers to see what he can see. And one day he was trying to guess a few passwords when he discovered, by trial and error, that Charlie had not been very creative when he set his password. When he saw the kind of things Charlie could do on the computer, he saw great possibilities.

So the technician invented his little scam: pay him 100,000,000 IG and he will wipe out your insurance records. Of course, given that the entire Galactic Administration is completely corrupt, not to mention mired in red tape, despite the fact that this scam is common knowledge nothing has been done to stop it, and Charlie hasn't been made to change his password!


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART III

Last month we answered the question about what happened to Neptune and Pluto. But now someone wants to know what happened to Uranus, too!

Well, we're sorry to have to admit it but one of our DataSpace Hosts is to blame for the planet's disappearance. Icedrake, who is well known as the devourer of worlds, used Uranus as a test subject in the cosmic "Tastes Great/Less Filling" debate.

Sadly, he never actually answered whether Uranus was less filling, or better tasting.


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART IV

This question from someone who's obviously not used to dealing with bureaucrats: "I owed the bank 1400 and I gave them 9000 by accident. Can I get my money back?"

The bank has a standard letter which they issue on such occasions. It reads, "The bank cheerfully thanks you for your generosity and provides you with the assurance, however feeble, that the money will go to a good cause. The bank further assures you, rather more feebly this time, that the good cause referenced does not in any way imply that the money will go into the pockets of greedy, ham-fisted, money-grubbing, ruthless-stepping-on-of-poor-people, swindling-of-their-own-grandmothers, corrupt bank officials!

So we don't think you'll be seeing your money again... wave it goodbye.


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART V

A royal-watcher wishes to know: "How long has Ming been the leader of Sol?"

Upon taking power, Ming ordered all references to powers before him to be destroyed. He also ordered all references to the date of his acquisition of power to be edited to "the beginning of time". Therefore, our information indicates that Ming has been the Emperor of the Galaxy since the beginning of time.


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART VI

A puzzled Trader asks, "What is LanzariK?"

A good question. We didn't know what it was and when we spoke to a random selection of Traders, it seems nobody did. How odd - we've all been making our fortunes through buying and selling something without knowing what it is, or what it's used for. Such are the mysteries of the commodities market.

We sent a NewsDroid to the Galactic Administration's Scientific Bureau where we found a scientist who could explain. Once we'd cut through the jargon and equations, we had the answer.

LanzariK is a superconducting material, that operates at room temperature.


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART VII

"How many lines of code are there in Fed?" asks an interested amateur programmer.

Apparently there are about 100,000 lines of code. One hundred thousand. That's quite a lot, but then Fed is a very complex and detailed game!


FROM THE POSTBAG: PART VIII

People are always fascinated by royalty - stick the word Princess or King in front of your name and you will be assured of some kind of celebrity status even if you are a raving idiot with bad breath and appalling manners!

But the fascination that Fedders have for the shadowy figure of Ming the Merciless, the evil Emperor of the Galaxy, is unsurpassed. The latest question we have received about Our Beloved Ruler is, "How much is in the Imperial treasury?"

The Emperor Ming employs a vast team of accountants to keep track of his wealth, but whether they have actually ever produced a set of accounts we really don't know. The Emperor would of course want to keep such things private.

In truth, we don't actually know whether the Emperor himself is interested in money. Obviously he wishes to have enough groats to keep him in the style to which he is accustomed (lavish and decadent) but we don't know if he's one of those sad people who actually get pleasure from owning vast sums, sitting in counting houses making piles of groat coins, running them through this fingers, polishing them so they stay nice and shiny - or if he's just the sort of person who considers money as tokens to buy things with.

Whichever it is, it's certain that he has more groats than everyone else in the Galaxy put together!


KINTARO V.S. THE REST OF FED

Kintaro 79's twisted view on the FED universe

Holy Moley! With all the new codes Cryptosporidium and friends have been putting in, not to mention Fed moving to the web, many of us are bound to get confused. So, I've decided to do part deux (that's 2 in French, for all you people who didn't know that) of my little test to see how well you can differentiate between Fed and reality. I've found that my test is incredibly efficient at telling how many brain cells have become irretrievably focused on Fed. Answer the questions as honestly as you can, then score yourself.

1. You drive up to a gas station that sells regular unleaded at $1.50 per gallon. You...
A. Shake your head at today's gas prices and try to find a cheaper station.
B. Yell obscenities at the employees and throw rocks.
C. Buy lots of Diesel, 'cause usually Diesel costs 6 megs.

2. Your girlfriend/boyfriend has just dumped you. You...
A. Accept your loss and move on.
B. Cry for a little while and then watch that sinful movie of yours again.
C. Get into your spaceship and twin laser her to death.

3. Your rich grandma passes away and leaves you a sizable fortune. You...
A. Retire and move to Florida.
B. Buy a big red sports car to attract people of the opposite sex, and then use the $1 you have left to buy a toupee.
C. Buy some arts facs, a spyscreen, and some int. points. (And maybe give some to the great Kintaro 79)

4. Your best friend is having a bachelor party, and you've been invited. You...
A. Attend and then congratulate your friend.
B. Bring some eggs, a water pistol full of Tabasco sauce, and hire some, uh, "professional ladies". Wow, what a party that's gonna be!
C. Aren't able to attend because your overly-social sister won't get off the darn phone!

Give yourself one point for every C answer.

SCORING:

0 points: Hey, you've made it through all of Fed's changes and came out without a scratch. At least, for now...

1-2 points: I'd say you have a lot more than a scratch. Your cerebral cortex is gonna implode any time now, so I suggest that you should make your friends and family stay at least 10 feet away from you.

3-4 points: Chances are your cerebral cortex has already imploded. That means all of your friends are calling you stupid names like "little head" or "popped-balloon boy". Get a good face doctor and a therapist, and you'll be fine in say, 20 years.

Before I go, I'd like to remind you all to grab a crayon and drop me a line at Kintaro79@aol.com. I really, really need your support right now, 'cause I scored 5. Must've added wrong... 1+1+1+1... yup, that's 5. Gotta go.


CRASHES

by Ki Panther

NNNNnnoooooo...! I Need My Fed!... Is it down again?... How many times have you heard these words in the Fed chat rooms? How many times have you thought it yourself? Frustrating, isn't when you hit the enter button only to get the sign, temporarily unavailable.

Then, most of us hits the Fed chat rooms to wait out the crash and spend some time with our friends.

Now, maybe it's me, but have you ever noticed how, once Fed crashes, the chat rooms suddenly fill with rude, obnoxious people? Everybody's upset Fed's down, they rant and rave about it.

Or you get those folks who just can't sit and talk with you, they have take it upon themselves to entertain you (in actual fact, to entertain themselves); they roll dice, they make oddball sounds, they scroll.

Or the worse ones, in my book anyway, scream "Fed" over and over again, or demand that somebody just flip the switch and turn Fed back on... or better yet, those who come on, see eighty-hundred people sitting in the chat rooms and ask that oh so obvious question, Is Fed Down Again?

No, we all just decided to take a break from Fed, and sit in the chat rooms to get laughs out of you wondering why?

Yes, it's frustrating, yes, it's a pain, and yes... I want Fed to work 100% of the time, just like you. But you have to be practical. Nothing in life is that perfect. Sooner or later, there's going to be a problem; whether it's Fed related, or more than likely, a AOL problem, things are going to happen.

Sitting around, and being a obnoxious gamer isn't the way to deal with it. And saying things that are TOSable is only going to get you locked out.

What really amazes me are those who feel it's their right to be disruptive - to show childish displays, like a kid throwing a tantrum, when they don't get their way.

Things like this will happen, and there's not much you or I can do. So why not just relax, go get a drink, or grab a paper, and read? Or better yet, join the rest of us, in casual conversation. You never know who you might meet, a friend, a future spouse.

And remember, whether it's an hour later, or ten, Fed will come back, I promise, you'll see. ;)


PLANET REVIEWS

It seems we had a bit of a conundrum this week. Every time Icedrake tried to dispatch his reviewdroids, they kept trundling back to him. "Federation is temporarily unavailable," they would beep. Getting fed up with this, Icedrake finally flew over to AOL HQ and threatened to eat the new HQ if they didn't fix the link. Attempting to placate him, the AOL TechDroids explained that while the link was having a bit of a problem (something having to do with slime from the Nickelodeon area oozing out and all over the system), he could explore a different set of planets they had available. Grudgingly, Icedrake agreed...

AOLVISA, AnnoyingGuy1
(Duchy of AOL)
Overall, Icedrake found this planet not to be all it's cracked up to be. Mobiles kept rolling up, handing Icedrake applications. Once it pushed past the landing pad, it found... more mobiles. With more applications. Soon after the mobiles went away, Icedrake tried to explore the rest of the planet.

He wasn't terribly impressed. He kept collecting points, but he couldn't find anything to do WITH the points. When push came to shove, Icedrake found that the planet's interest level just wasn't all it was cracked up to be. In short, it's overrated.

GENITALIA, Esacevets
(Duchy of AOL)
Icedrake had to give Esacevets credit for the planet... well, at least for trying. When he jumped through the link and saw the huge [TOS Violation Removed] floating in front of him, he couldn't help but laugh. Then he saw the planet itself, which was in the shape of a [TOS Violation Removed]. Very naughty!

The planet itself is devoted to the acts of [TOS Violation Removed], [TOS Violation Removed], and [TOS Violation Removed]. Icedrake snickered every time the [TOS Violation Removed] mobile did its little [TOS Violation Removed] dance, and eating at the [TOS Violation Removed] Restaurant was an experience he'll never forget.

Heading out a bit, Icedrake discovered a series of [TOS Violation Removed] rooms. Deciding they warranted a bit of exploration, he climbed in the entrance (shaped like a [TOS Violation Removed]) and proceeded to [TOS Violation Removed]. [TOS Violation Removed] was [TOS Violation Removed], while [TOS Violation Removed] and [TOS Violation Removed] [TOS Violation Removed] while [TOS Violation Removed] [TOS Violation Removed]. As for the grand climax, [TOS Violation Removed] [TOS Violation Removed] [TOS Violation Removed] [TOS Violation Removed] long oval fingernails [TOS Violation Removed] [TOS Violation Removed] yellow [TOS Violation Removed] [TOS Violation Removed] twelve.

A nice planet - explore it while you can... before the TOS Violation people discover it's around.

EXCITEMENT, PremiumGuy
(Duchy of AOL)
When asked about this planet, Icedrake grabbed the Newsbot by its non-existent throat and snarled, "If I ever spend that much time and all those groats to play BRIDGE again, I'll supercharge the TDX and take everyone with me. Got it?"

Uhhhh.... we got it.


TOP TEN RANKS THEY CUT WHEN WRITING FED

10. Whiner
9. Beggar
8. Guy Who Wants To Make PO But Can't Be Bothered To Run A Company
7. Snert
6. Commander Third Class
5. Filler Rank So It Takes Even Longer To Make PO
4. Price Checker
3. Even MORE of a Snert Than #7
2. Venusian, Martian or Lunar GroundHog
1. PO. (Well, *I* sure can't promote to it.)


TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE ON A DD PLANET

by Tickenest

Retirement, schretirement, I had inspiration for this list, so I wrote it. Of course, the source of the inspiration was rather dubious, but hey, who's counting? ;) So...

10. It's called 'Ddtrap'
9. It's buying artifacts at 3376 IG/ton
8. It's been expelled from 23 different duchies
7. The directions from the LP: 'Exchange-E Bar-SW DD-N'
6. POs often send beggars there to access the secret cash machine
5. One of the locations is 'People Who Have DDed on This Planet'
4. At the link is an advertisement: 'All Snerts and Beggars Welcome!'
3. The bar serves nothing but arsenic
2. The planet's puzzle is advertised as 'The Last Puzzle You'll Ever Do!'
1. The PO: DrKevorkian


TOP TEN RL PERKS FROM PLAYING FED

by Tickenest

10. Your typing improves, but only with useless words like 'katydidics' and 'sensamps'
9. You can drive in the 'Fed Players Only' lane on the expressway
8. POs can claim workthingies as dependents on tax forms
7. When people discuss the Pathfinder on Mars, you can say, 'Been there, done that.'
6. You can practice your plans for world domination on a planet of your very own
5. You can brag to your grandkids about surviving the Great Lag Storm of '97
4. Six months in Fed qualifies you to fly the Space Shuttle
3. Six minutes in Fed qualifies you to drive a Pinto
2. You get really good at hugging, tickling, kissing, and snogging total strangers
1. RL? What's that?


WHAT'S COOKIN'?

Now I'm not one to pay attention to odd occurrences in Fed since they happen on a daily basis, but the other day something did strike me as being too good to pass up.

As I was sitting in my normal hideout, watching all the GroundHogs scurry around earth, one certain Groundhog caught my eye. SmutChickn.

I watched this strange creature for quite a while as he scratched his way around earth. I could hear the occasional yelp of pain from the innocent (or so called) Earthlings as he pecked at their feet (or equivalent). He was able to find his way to the Office block but somehow got confused and instead of bribing the official, he started bawking at the official. After close to 10 minutes of this, he finally understood what he needed to do and was able to get his permit.

Once he made his way back up to Jarrows for his ship, that's when it got interesting. He started clucking all over channel 1 and flapping his feathers as well as his mouth like I've never seen before. I was able to calm him done to find what exactly what his problem was. Other than the obvious problems, he informed me he was in desperate need of help to get out of SOL. Being the sweet person I am, I couldn't resist helping him so I teleported down there and gave him enough money to pay off his ship. After he gave me a quick "peck" of a kiss, I teleported back into my room to watch. I never thought to ask him why he was so desperate to leave SOL. I think I should have.

Channel 1 went silent. He was very quiet after this and I thought he was lucky enough to have escaped SOL. Deciding to check on him and seeing how he was doing, I checked to see who was on the channel with me. This is where I found the problem. Sitting on the channel, right underneath Captain SmutChickn, was Commander SoupOfDay!

I've not seen Captain SmutChickn since that day, but the aroma coming from SOL smelled delicious.


A BUY OUT OF SOL

<<Forwarded to the desk of Newsbot #0001, Earth, Fed News Bureau by The Weasel Offices of The Mammalian Investment Group.>>

<<Annotation by Jebbediah Poindexter Simpleton, Secretary to the Mammalian Investors Triumvirate.>>

"This message has been forwarded to the main offices of the Federation News Bureau, Earth, since it is common knowledge to all in this galaxy that the only respectable place to conduct underhanded and irreverent business is within the pages of Federation News' Classified Ad section. Enclosed within this document is nothing less than a bid by the Mammalian Investment Group for a corporate BUY OUT of Sol and all of its protectorate nation-state entities."

A VERY MODEST PROPOSAL

We Three of the Mammalian Investment Group (Wpoco, CamelJoe0, XXWombatXX)

do find the conditions within the despotic fiefdom of Sol ripe for a corporate BUY OUT.

Though Sol is not a corporation in name, it lacks none of the vital characteristics of a corporation, thus making a corporate BUY OUT of the economic infrastructure which binds the territories of the fiefdom feasible. The Mammalian Investment Group considers its bid of 8,500,000,000 IG for the BUY OUT of Sol and its territories as a more-than-generous offer. In many ways, this type of BUY OUT is quite simple since Sol is currently owned and operated by a single investor: The self-proclaimed Emperor of Federation DataSpace, Ming The Merciless. Thus, if the bid is accepted, the cash transfer from the Mammalian Investment Group to the coffers of his royal highness, Ming, would be a rather simple one. The Investment Board realizes that a bid of merely 8.5 Gigagroats may seem ridiculous at first inspection. It is for that reason that the Mammalian Investment Group has hired an independent accounting firm to accurately assess the economic situation within Sol and the total value of Sol and all of its holdings. The following addendum contains the findings of the "Flashpan, a subsidiary of Here Today, Gone Tomorrow Enterprises Accounting Firm.":

After months of sorting through astronomical amounts of data, the total actual value of Sol and all of its holdings has been appraised at 6,000,000,000 IG. The following explains the research and logic behind this appraisal:

1) The worth of each of the approximately two-hundred planets within Sol at any given moment has been estimated at 10,000,000 IG. The 117+ Megagroats involved with the construction of a planet can be disregarded since these funds are largely attained through loans from Feddizens and Slarti's shylocks are notorious for their bumbling when it comes to collecting funds from explorers. The Accumulated Stock Values of planets are also grossly overrated. After planetary residents use their share of planetary commodities and stevedores steal their fair share, the majority of a planet's commodities just sits within exchange and customs houses. Thus, since these unsold goods are unsaleable due to a glut of agricultural planets within Sol, their value is so near zero as to be insignificant. The lack of these two factors leaves only one asset to a planet that actually has worth. This asset is an abundance of marketable real-estate. After averaging the quality and quantity of real-estate on the two-hundred planets within Sol, the average worth of each planet was found to be approximately 10,000,000 IG. Thus, the simple multiplication of 200 planets by 10,000,000 IG brings the total worth of all the planets within Sol to 2,000,000,000 IG.

2) Two Gigagroats constitutes only one third of Sol's total worth. The other two-thirds of Sol's total worth is derived from the value of the planets within the actual solar system, Sol's Imperial Navy, and Sol's economic infrastructure. At first glance, the value of these three features may seem astronomical, but greed and corruption have a way of siphoning funds out of a system quickly. It is widely known that a certain official on Earth in the main office complex takes bribes daily, yet police forces do nothing to stop the corruption. The only explanation for this is corruption at a higher level. For every bribe said official receives, it can be safely assumed that an official at a higher position within the agency receives kickbacks from the first official so that he may continue receiving bribes in the first place. Thus, the chain of corruption stretches through the echelons of the Earth Ship Permit Corporation, which affects the shipbuilding corporations, raising the costs of ships, which puts shipbuilders out of work, which causes cyclical recessions, which lowers the pay of spaceport security officials, which loosens spaceport security, which results in increasingly brazen stevedores, which eventually group together into bands of interstellar pirates, upon which the Imperial government squanders the resources and treasuries of the planets within Sol in an effort to control the piracy, which brings down the total value of Sol's immediate holdings to a mere 4,000,000,000 IG.

With this evidence supporting the fact that Sol's total worth is only a mere 6,000,000,000 IG, The Mammalian Investment Group feels overly generous and more-than-confident with its bid of 8,500,000,000 IG for the corporate BUY OUT of Sol from its sole investor, Ming The Merciless. The set of investors (Wpoco, CamelJoe0, XXWombatXX) is of the opinion that Sol is far too promising to squander upon just one despot. This Triumvirate of investors believes that should the offer be accepted, resulting in the dividing of Sol into thirds amongst themselves, that the restructuring and remodeling of the corruption within the fiefdom could be modeled suitably to the liking of the new despots. The new arrangement would, of course, result in a minimal improvement of prosperity for the current inhabitants of Sol, but would only truly benefit the new wave of despots. Even though the results for the common Feddizen would be minimal, when dealing with a total value of 8,500,000,000 IG, even a small percentage improvement in overall wealth is quite substantial. We thank you for your time. This concludes our modest proposal.

- The Mammalian Investment Group


BARON BECOMES BARONESS

While covering the action at a Hide and Seek event, I'd stopped on the landing pad to rest a bit with the revved up contestants. Looking to my left I noticed a female, resembling a baron I knew, looking down at her chest.

Looking closer I saw an unmistakable resemblance to AlexHoltz. Walking up to the baroness I inquired as to why Alex would go through the change. Had he found true love in Invisibleman and given the hidden one a present?

Alex blushed at my suggestions and, looking down, she said, " No... I was just sitting in the bar waiting for my wife, Happi777, to get done with an engagement when I suddenly felt a strong urge to know what it felt like to have breasts."

She looked down at her chest, and I followed to Alex' new ample bosom. "I mean, not hold them, but to have them you know? I couldn't resist, before I knew it I was in the hospital getting the "Change!"

Alex looked rather worried, "The only thing now is how to I explain to Happi that I've fallen for an invisible guy?"


GOING OUT IN STYLE

Lately many POs have been DDing. One PO who DDed, although not due to the moving of fed, was Hairyape67. Hairyape67, or Hairy as he was known to many of his friends, was the PO of Loser.

Hairy wanted to do something special. Instead of just typing suicide twice Hairy threw a party. There were the normal games, and one unusual.

In the Hunt the Ape game Hairyape67 offered 10,000,000 to the person who shot him down within the Bunny Caves in Battery. Niall83 took the prize as he blasted Hairy into furry little pieces. However, this only took care of one death. The party continued the following day on the 12th of July.

Several people asked Hairy what he was going to do with all his money. He replied, in reality Loser was going to change hands and that it was part of the agreement that the new PO get all the money.

On July 12th, after toasting all his friends, Hairy went into the Bunny Caves for the last time.

Hairyape67 never returned from that final battle. How do I know so much about Hairy? Well, I'm the guy who took over Loser. When Hairy DD'd I brought my Loser online. Stop by and see it some time... and if you want to hear the story again I'd be glad to tell.


TTTT RECORD

The Duchy of Profit has been hosting a weekly TTTT party on Tuesday nights for 18 weeks running... we have won every single attempt. That has to be a record!! Plus... this last week, we are proud to say that Snipe had a record setting 36,000+ minutes!!


A NEW RECORD

SRaven2844 set this record promoting from JP to GM. Congratulations.

Company: Darlin NO. 2
Shares: 1,373
Cycle day #2
Income: 31,470,070 IG
Expenditure: 1,317,194 IG
Profit: 30,152,876 IG
Profit last Cycle: 391,099,143 IG


QUOTES OF THE MONTH

Your comm unit relays a message from EMan261998, "AND I GET MY OWN NAVIGATOR"
>xt No Eman, we cost too much

Ra2phoenix: can you sell me some uni facs?
YoStratego: Uniquette Facs?

Your comm unit crackles with a message from RichMP591, "Yep BB. When we only had one, She knew her place. now there's two women. That means trouble."
Your comm unit crackles with a message from RichMP591, "They are probably planning to put doileys all over the duchy."
Your comm unit crackles with a message from BBurn11111, "I suppose this means we have to leave the toilet seat DOWN now!!!!!

Your comm unit crackles with a message from Kaleb2000, "ATTN Lenox Workthingies: 130 of you will be snatched from the factories at ramdom tomorrow and will sacraficed to the God of Education so your decendants will know how to read. . .thank you, Kaleb2000"

Your comm unit relays a message from PGTEN, "Nope, I don't want 5700 tons of cereals. I wonder how many boxes that would fill....."

Your comm unit relays a message from AndyKaufmn, "HELP! I've fallen in love with my Mobile!!!!!!".

GKNITE33 says, "anyone want my missiles? they haven't been used"

Your comm unit relays a message from DemeJ, "to make money fast...you work fast...to make money really fast...you work really fast ;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Khirsah13, "And to make money really really really really fast, ya beg... !".

Your comm unit crackles with a message from MaleyMan, "<----- Looks around and Notices the Big Picture of Galin waving a finger saying Just say NO to SOL Advertising <g>"

Your comm unit relays a message from Vrmeyers, "Help Me!!!!..I'm covered in Shimmer Dust".
Your comm unit relays a message from KiPanther, has bought you a Shimmer Vac..A dual purpose device that allows you to clean up after Port happy nobles who leave a fine residue after they leave and also dices, slices and makes a rather nifty...um...er..buzzing feeling in its soft handle ;)

Your comm unit relays a message from NTDN, "ATTENTION Tholii workthingies, we are now experimenting with Fusion Power, some of you are now being reassigned to waste management! Please be careful in there and have a nice day. :)"

/"No one can spy me, I have a Screen", says <Name Censored>.

Your comm unit crackles with a message from AndyKaufmn, "You know your computer is obsolete when you spell check and it changes You to Thou"


MOODS OF THE MONTH

Liking WHOOSH more and more Vezmez has just moved south.

being very awake FF3israd is taking forty winks here.


POST OF THE MONTH

210554:019 - Uneek88: a 10,000 ton hauler for hire,Email Albion95 is not on Fed., and please give directions to the pick up point and the unloading point


BULLETIN ENDS


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