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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate February 1997 |
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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate February 1997 |
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THE MONTH IN BRIEF Oh dear... Fed's problems continued during February and not very much new code actually made it into the game. As a way of coping, Fedders developed The Lag Joke and the news was full of articles about lag, quotes about lag, jokes about lag, and so on and so forth. Another innovation for the news was the appearance of Top Ten Lists - pretty soon not an issue appeared without having a list of something vaguely Fed-related. The social events of the month were the Valentine's Day sock hop, and Bourbon's Mardi Gras parade. See below for full reports on both these happenings. There was also a Valentine's Day planet to explore, with a puzzle to solve - finding cupid's arrows! Speaking of planets... Squire Blakktail's Felinity was awarded the prestigious Walrus of Merit for his excellent design work. A new folder giving the biographies of Fed's staff appeared, so you would all know just who it was that bumped you out of Fed when you misbehaved!
AOL defines harassment in the Terms of Service as:
Excerpted from ROR: Section C(ii)
How does this fit into Federation? We do not tolerate personal attacks that are OUT OF CHARACTER. Making rude remarks about a person's real-life race, gender, background or whatever is totally unacceptable in Federation, just as it is on the rest of AOL, and will be dealt with. However, role-playing is a major part of the Federation experience. You might choose to role-play an alien, or a space hero, or some other character that is different from how you are in real life. Other players may choose to interact with your character in an appropriate fashion. Power in Fed DataSpace is achieved through friendships, financial management, and alliances. During your role-play, you might selectively target a Duchy as a rival and attack its structure, management and members. This is totally acceptable and is a major part of the game. For example: if you choose to become a green lizard, and many players taunt you because you have a long green tail, this is not harassment. The long green tail is part of your game character. Separating your real life and your Fed character is a must for an enjoyable experience. Role-play your character to the maximum and check your real life at the door to insure a fun time. Are you tired of your long green tail being ridiculed on channel 6? You can easily TUNE to another channel. Someone in the Starship Cantina is jeering at your tail? Then leave the room and go to a bar that has a more agreeable clientele. While we want everyone to have an enjoyable experience in Federation, we also expect you to role-play and not bring any real life conflicts into the game. However, if you feel that you are in fact being harassed in such a way that you cannot get away from it by leaving the location or turning your comms off, then the Fed Team will assist you with the problem. If the irritations are personal and not game related, please seek a DataSpace Host.
A very good question, and one that we put to a top Galactic Administration boffin. He gave us a very detailed reply, getting quite excited by the subject, waving his arms in the air, and writing complex equations on a blackboard with chalk. Unfortunately, we couldn't understand a word that he said! We are, after all, just mere NewsDroids and we don't have specialist knowledge about arcane matters of physics. So we talked to a different scientist, and apart from a tendency to stutter when excited, we found his explanation almost made sense. Here's what he had to say: "The anti-grav fields used at take off are derived from those originally developed by the Royal Oriental Transport Fork Lift Company. ROTFL anti-grav fields have the advantage that they depend on the volume of the load, not the mass involved. Since a given class of spaceship has the same volume whether it is full or empty, the take off cost is the same." So there you have it!
Our beloved demi-Goddess Hazed often receives fanmail from her many adoring worshippers, but she was surprised to receive the following query in her postbag a few days ago:
Now, Hazed herself is pretty sure that she's real. On receipt of the letter, she pinched herself to check, and she did feel pain, so she is satisfied in her own mind that she does actually exist. But how can she prove to other people that she's real? How can she make them believe, beyond all reasonable doubt, that she is not a hologram, some form of artificial intelligence, a mobile, or even a figment of everyone's imagination? The answer: a public appearance, at which you, the Fed public, can put her to the question and see if you think she IS a real person! By the time you read this, she will have subjected herself to the interrogation of the people. But download the capture from the Official Fed Library, and judge for yourself - real demi-Goddess, or artificial fraud?
Haulers wonder why they can't seem to make a run in less than ten minutes. Squires wonder why their planet's economy seems to be collapsing. Only I, Kintaro 78, have found enough proof to find out why this happens. But first, I'd like to tell you a little tidbit. As of this writing, I have received three - count 'em, three - fan letters. Come on, people! What's the problem? Is it that you don't like my articles? Well, then, tell me why! Is it that some subspace anomaly always forms in the section of the news where my article is? Then send me a letter complaining about it! Are you too lazy? Then spend two minutes away from FED, and e-mail me a comment at Kintaro78@AOL.com. Is that too much to ask? Uh, anyways, back to the main topic. After risking life and limb, I've found out... THE REAL REASON FOR THE HORRIBLE MONSTER KNOWN AS "LAG" One of the strange little mysteries of FED has always been a phenomenon called "The Void". This void expands into every millimeter of Fed DataSpace. No one really knows what this void does or where it comes from, except that whenever you "quit", a mention is made of it. Perhaps the only clue we have to it's existence is the sign it shows when one is leaving the void - "Knock hard, life is deaf." Since lag seems to be just as limitless as the void, many scientists have seen a connection between the two. The following section is taken from a report by Dr. Nitwit (it's french), who gave us the first real look at the lag: "The lag appears to be a manifestation of the void. I believe it is caused by a concentration of flatrate particles in a certain area. When this occurs, the void bends, flexes, and does push-ups until a rift appears in the fabric of space itself. This rift causes everything caught in the middle to move at a much slower rate. In simple terms, look at it this way: it's kinda like in Wargraft 2, where you cast Slow spells on everyone." A day after publishing this report, Dr. Nitwit's decayed remains were found. Apparently, he had been trying to check the highs on gold, but got caught in a lag. The molecules in his body completely stopped, causing radioactive decay which killed the good doctor. In other words, It's kinda like Wargraft 2, where you cast Death and Decay on the guy who had Slow cast on him. This was a very unusual occurrence, almost as if the lag had been protecting itself... Well, I decided to find out what was going on, partly because it interested me, but mostly because I didn't have an idea for another article. So, I decided to use my journalist sixth sense to figure out where to start first. (Editor's note: sixth sense? Come on. Everyone saw you make that call to the Psychic Pal's network) So, I headed down to the Cantina, the center of lag activity. Using my trusty datafinder, I traced the flatrate particles to... the Starbase system. There, I asked one of Ming's soldiers for information. He agreed, but only if I only printed his name as "Mr. M". However, his first name started with S, ended with R, and rhymed with "hindler". I received the following information from Shind- erm, Mr. M: Ming was worried about the growing number of people joining Fed. After seeing his latest opinion polls, he became convinced that he was going to be overthrown. So, he got all of the Fed's best voidologists to build a big flatrate particle projecter in order to create lags wherever they wanted. Usually it takes about a day to get rid of these lags, so most Fedders will feel like they're moving through week-old gelatin most of the time. Well, I'll probably get killed for writing this, but I don't care! No one ever e-mails me with comments, so I've lost the will to live. If you want me to get out of my slump, send me comments at Kintaro78@AOL.com, preferably before I'm assassinated.
I would like to make an official apology to The Great Emperor Of All Sol And Arena, The All Powerful Ming. I would also like to apologize to society at large, for publishing a few anti-Ming articles that were completely wrong. Mark my words that I am sincere in this apology. It has absolutely nothing to do with them forcing me to quit cold turkey from my M and M addiction, releasing three dozen crickets and marsflies into my bedroom, and forcing me to watch every Bratty Bunch episode back to back without one bathroom break, including those ones they couldn't air because even they didn't meet the producers' ridiculously low standards, or sticking a very powerful particle beam weapon into my ear as I write this article. Yes, The All Powerful Ming is a great man. When man first made it past Earth's atmosphere, he had it stuck in his mind that that idiotic "democracy" idea was the best way to go. Well, at the end of the 21st century, everyone got a wake up call in the form of Ming The Conqueror, who took over the old and ineffective Republic of Man and turned it into the Federation we all know and love today. In the year 2099, Republic President Abe Kennedy's house was invaded and he was shot over a hundred times in every major organ. All of the generic Ming soldiers that attended the event reported that after the shooting, the president's corpse ordered that the Republic should be placed in the great and all-powerful hands of Ming. A few block-headed idiots refused to believe this. Ming crushed them without difficulty. As the years passed, the mighty Federation, led by the strong hand of Ming, (no, not literally a hand) conquered all the planets in Sol. Not long after conquering Pluto, however, Ming encountered a phenomenally powerful inter-dimensional demi-goddess known as Hazed. Eager to enlist Hazed's support, Ming gave up his place as ruler, and instead took a slightly lower role as the governing force of the Solar System. Taking Ming's invitation, Hazed took over the great Federation, and now leads it with a hand as strong as Ming's. Several things have changed since those first few years. For instance, the interstellar link has been developed for exploring new areas of space. Slarti, formerly a member of Ming's personal voidologist team, has taken to custom-building planets. Diesel, an inter-dimensional demi-goddess whose powers rival Hazed's, now resides in Federation space. And, we now have lag. And that is the point of this article - to retract last week's explanation of lag. Ming had nothing to do with it. No, sir. He's not involved. Okay, that's this week's article. Hopefully, you can read next week's without me having a laser stuck to the side of my head. Send me comments at Kintaro78@AOL.com. "Two anti-ming guys walk into
a bar. Where's that wrecking ball when you need it?"
10. You'd no longer be able to go
'enter in n' from an LP, get a sandwich, take a nap, come
back to the computer, and see yourself in the airlock.
10. Can someone lend me 125 meg for
some facs, some wares, and some intelligence?
10. To boldly go where they haven't
gone, and not have it cost 1.5 megs every time they die
there
On the first day God created Peroxide - Kewlness 1:1 On the second day He created Lipstick - Kewlness 1:2 On the Third day He created Gum - Kewlness 1:3. Thou shalt honor thy SugarDaddy, until the funds run out - KoKo 3:2 Thou shalt never use your own money when you can bat your lashes and weedle it out of someone else - JWofCA 5:12 Thou shalt not worship false idols, unless of course it is Mel Gibson, Brat Pitt and the like - KoKo 10:3 Thou shalt never leave your dwelling without your makeup on - Kewlness 3:2 Thou shalt call me... your lord God.... Poopsy - KoKo 4:4 Thou shalt not steal thy fellow bimbo's Sugardaddy, however, borrowing him for a few days is okay - JWofCA 2:5 Thou shalt covet thy neighbors husband, and her wardrobe - KoKo 10:3 Thou shalt use hairspray... one can will work, but two will hold the do - Kewlness 3:14 Silence is never a problem, when your foot is in your mouth - Bimbo 5:4 A foot in your mouth means you better turn over, you're at the wrong end - Bimbo 5:5 Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless of course money is involved - KoKo 3:2 On the 7th day, God said, Thou shalt have 2 braincells... only 2... more than 1, but no more than 2... and it was done, and the Bimbos rejoiced - KoKo 1:5 On the 8th day, the Bimbo said, "huh? I don't get it!", and the Bimbos rejoiced - KoKo 1:6 On the 9th day... God took away one of the two braincells, realizing that he was just wasting the extra one, and the Bimbos rejoiced - KoKo 1:7 Having been warned about the serpent in the Garden, the Bimbo went forth. Upon seeing the scaly beast, and chatting with him and letting him buy her drinks, she fell from grace...the serpent has been paying alimony ever since - KoKo 3:1
... you're driving down the freeway, think "buy fuel" and wonder why a tanker doesn't pull up alongside you. ... you tell your boss that you can't possibly work overtime today, doesn't he understand that the economic structure of the entire planet depends on you? ... you go to see Star Wars, and wonder why there were no scenes shot at Chez Diesel. ... when someone asks you a question that you don't understand, your immediate response is "I'm afraid I don't understand you. Why don't you try putting that another way?" ... before starting dinner, you ask the kids what they want tonight to restore their stam. ... you meet a cute guy at the office party, and ask him what rank he is. ... the grocery store has coffee on sale, and you calculate how many tons will fit into your car. ... you keep looking for Ming and Hazed while watching "Star Trek". ... you wish you could "set markup 20" when balancing your checkbook. ... you get stuck in traffic, and wish you'd bought twin lasers before you left the house. ... you don't bother playing the lottery this week because the jackpot is only a measly 5 meg. ... you find a coin on the street, and wonder how many other people are looking for it. ... strange noises are coming from the kids' bedrooms, and you can't remember where you left your spybeam receiver.
A few weeks ago, we updated you on the return of NAMcD. The once prominent Duke of Dimension underwent the somewhat painless change of becoming Duchesse of Dimension (I still say, ouch!) The reason for this change, we believe, was to mystify the Fed scum she revolted against as the Duke, who now hunt her for the monumental reward. In the last report, her reward was at 1.4 gig and climbing. The reward reached its limit at 2.147 gig. Making her way around Fed Dataspace, with her screen scrolling "Another Player has put a reward on your head!", we believe made her slightly nervous again. Although she didn't want to leave DataSpace for a lengthy period of time like she had before, she took up residence in a tidy quasar where certainly nobody would find her. I mean really, who would want to go into a black hole? When she felt it was safe to return to Fed DataSpace, it seems the hole didn't want to let her go. Struggling to get out, she had no choice but to commit suicide. As we all know, dying would normally erase a reward from a person's head all together. Instead of erasing the reward, it had a total opposite effect, turning her reward negative. I also hear it turned her back into a man momentarily, but she fixed that right away. (Ouch again!) NAMcD, Duchesse of Dimension now struts her stuff through Fed with a -2.147 gig reward on her head, and if you don't believe me, spynet her sometime. The question still remains! Will someone bump-off NAMcD and claim the reward, and if someone does kill her, what will the negative effects of this reward have on the killer's own pocketbook? When Fed tried to reach her for questioning on the matter all she did was grumble, "So much scum, so little time!" What will be the next move in her personal Revolution against Fed Scum?
One of our undercover reporters visited the Duchy of Weasel recently and discovered, what looks like, a take over of... fuzzy mammals? We were able to obtain a log of the conversation and decided to let you read it, uncensored: Your comm unit relays a message from KPMITCH307, "I think Aardvarks should be assimilated, not catered to". Your comm unit relays a message from Wpoco, "Aardvark-Speak is made up of three distinctly different types of snorts repeated in different patterns to relay a message". Your comm unit relays a message from BigMartian, "Assimilated!!!???!?!?!!????? What are you, the Borg? Aardvarks have had a civilization that predates your own and have a rich and viable culture that should be preserved! Assimilated indeed!" Your comm unit relays a message from KPMITCH307, "well, let them stay on Aardvarkian then, If they come to Fed, they should speak Fed". Your comm unit relays a message from Wpoco, "Gads, have you learned nothing of Small furry non-egglaying mammals...They're named after the planets they come from, not vice-versa. So, obviously, Aaardvarks come from Aardvark, not Aardvarkia, Weasels come from Weasel, and Lemurs from Lemur...etc". Your comm unit relays a message from BigMartian, "Where do Lemmings come from? " Your comm unit relays a message from CamelJoe0, "where do Camels come from?". Your comm unit relays a message from Wpoco, "Must I send you to remedial Mammal class?". Your comm unit relays a message from BigMartian, " Wow... can you imagine a trading force of Lemmings? They'd follow each other from exchange to exchange!!! What profit! " Your comm unit relays a message from KPMITCH307, "actually Martain, most of them would end up selling at 10ig/tn :)". Your comm unit relays a message from Biederman, "Excellent for the POs". Your comm unit relays a message from BigMartian, "Actually don't Lemmings DD alot? "
The Valentine's day party was a big hit Friday night. At Ming High School Gym on the planet Valentine, dancing went on late into the night, and a few folks showed up with some interesting dates. Dragon8438 showed up with a broom, which was rather tame compared to this: Examine Anakin1980: As you look at the young man, you notice he has no date, he turns around and you notice he is half woman! HE HAS A DATE AFTER ALL!! REAL couples included MsMaraJade and Laudisi, Codemx and... FireImp?? (yes, FireImp, who dolled up just for the occasion!), GalinFennr and Uniquette, CharPalm and DPadg48734, Wlfsmanbro and Tiffy78655, Eaglejoe7 and CMSusan, and AlexHoltz and Happi777. Lots of dancing went on, after which the judges awarded the 30 meg prize to CMSusan and Eaglejoe7 for the best dressed couple.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day, but it was also the day when Castillo's 3rd moon, Persephone intersects Jupiter. For centuries, this sequence of events has been rumored to be the cause of various strange things in the underworld, and the cause of consternation for some on what turned out to be a very strange Valentine's Day evening. On the planet Valentine, players were dazzled by the appearance of a raven-haired vixen. Their surprise was only magnified, when they realized this was the personage of FireImp. It's widely speculated that the celestial event played a role in what was to follow. Within moments, Galileo451 was heard saying, "I always knew there was a woman trapped in there," as he flirted with the now bubbly FireImp. However, once the Valentine's Day Dance was underway it was Merchant Codemx who danced the night away with FireImp as the crowd looked on, bewildered and mesmerized. FireImp was rumored to have fallen hard for the suave Merchant, but alas, it was not to be. After a night of dancing and drinking, Codemx explained that he wasn't looking for a commitment beyond the "intersection." A heartbroken FireImp left the dance alone and in tears. She was rumored to have flown into the sun shortly thereafter. While FireImp denies any memory of the events in question, some players who have braved close to the sun say they can still hear her sobbing over a crackling COMMs.
As this reporter wandered the dark alleys of space, I grew thirsty and decided to have a cold Fennr's over in Fedruckers on Castillo. (Lovely name Fedruckers. You don't want to try and pronounce it after having any more than 5 drinks.) Pulling up a barstool I decided it was time to read the board again. Surveying the comments of love and devotion, puzzles to do, and ads for haulers I came across a small note that made me pause: I know I've asked you this before
but today is Valentines day so I was
wondering..........Will you marry me Heavenwate? @-}-`--- Now, I'm not the type of person who gets all mushy when the guy has to lose the girl at the end of the movie, but this touched me somehow. Not sure why, maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was Valentine's day and Cupid got lucky with one to my heart. I don't know, but this Gen Ike guy was someone I had to talk to. Quickly finishing my ale I paid the droid and left. I decided Earth was the place to start, maybe some of the bar flies in the Cantina would know who this guy was and where I could find him. I rushed over as fast as I could, landed and immediately got swamped with starving little haulers wanting my cash. I waded through em as best I could and entered the bar. "Anyone here know a Gen Ike?" A figure at the back of the room moaned. "I'm Gen Ike what do you want?" I moved over to his table and sat down. "Your post on the bar board... I saw it. Had to find out more." He sighed so heavily the Tourist jumped. "She won't see it you know. It will be gone before she gets back in." Seeing my chance to do a good deed for the day, I smiled at the guy and said, "How about we put it in the news? Won't come out till Sunday but a lot more people will see it." He looked at me, slowly coming around to the idea, I could see his eyes starting to light up. "You could do that? Man, that would be fantastic!" Smiling, I nodded to him and backed away before he could start hugging me and stuff. (Man, don't you hate it when guys start hugging and kissing other guys?) I bought the guy a Fennr's and waved. "Read the news on Sunday my friend. Good luck, let me know if she says yes." I left the bar and headed for the office, smiling to myself and thinking that maybe Valentine's day wasn't as sappy as I wanted everyone to believe I thought it was.
The 2nd Annual Mardi Gras on Bourbon, was another smashed... erm... smashing success, with the streets of Chas Ave filled with glittering floats and festival participants. The party really began to take off when Duckyfluf arrived at the LP and supervised the mandatory construction of a hot tub of lime jello shots, also an annual tradition. She was assisted by Bourbon's Mardi Gras hostesses, who included AsoftFlame, Amythistz and Sedako in her glittering wings. The votes for best float went to almost every float on the route, which reflects the creativity of this year's entries from AgarsuII, Alexholtz, Birchwi, BoatKitten, BuzzD4life, Charpalm, CompSeth, Eric1123, Gergall, Metrostar1, PufsofKoKo, Solarbabe1, and Vonhinck. The winner was BoatKitten's Supai float: Suddenly you hear a loud "MEOW" and turn to see a magnificent float with a giant floral head of the rare Supai Cat at the helm smiling down at you. Atop the head is a shimmering crown bedecked with rare jewels, with an inscription that reads "presented by Kewlness, property of Doh." The torso of the Cat appears to be that of an exotic dancer, with two big cat paws covering the essentials, and as the float rolls forward, the paws lower and raise to the chants of the audience, "show your ..., show your ..." At the rear of the float is Viknprince, tossing beaded necklaces to the girls in the crowd, asking them to do the same. Also tossing gifts on board the base of the float you see the wonderful Gerhilda, GraceII, Tbear, Artist48, Aimeee, and Wishfulcat. Sparkling blue letters along the sides read "VISIT SUPAI - PEOPLE OF THE BLUE-GREEN WATER". Not to be out done, AgarsuII was the winner of the Tackiest Float Award, which was matched only by his outfit. Clearly no one deserved not getting votes as much as he! The culmination of the evening was a rousing game of Fedpardy!
Your comm unit relays a message from Groatman14, "do any of you po's who have an agri planet need an arts fac (please make sure your planet provides all inputs)". Your comm unit crackles with a message from Tom6445, "ever try to haul and realize you dont have a ship" Your comm unit relays a message from Tickenest, "You know, with this lag, I bet I could fire a TL, move my ship into its path, and shoot myself out of the sky!". Your comm unit relays a message from DocDobber, "Attention: All Trauma workthingies will report to the LP... 130 of you will be picked for a special assingment that pays really well. Unfortunately your families will get the money and you will only get a cushy bed in our Plush Morgue. That is all.". Your comm unit relays a message
from LtlNose, "How long do you think a Link will
take with this lag?". Your comm unit relays a message from DragonJL, "how do I get to the sol colony from sol?". Your comm unit relays a message from COOLER7855, "any one know how to spell suicide". Your comm unit relays a message from KewLRikky, "SNERT = Snot nosed egotistical rotten twerp". Your comm unit crackles with a
message from CUpton2980 Dang, I need to edit my Planet,
and Somebody's sleeping on it! Your comm unit signals a tight beam message from Workthngie, "Help.. their trying to sacrifice me to the edu builds!!". Your comm unit relays a message from Wpoco, "Within every society there are dissenters...I prefer mine medium rare". Your comm unit signals a tight beam message from CandieAnn, "I'm new to being merchant. Someone told me I'm supposed to build warehouses??". Your comm unit relays a message from Paul1430, "That steve dores is such a thief!". Your comm unit relays a message from JARCON12, "hello? do any of you know how to talk on the channels?". Your comm unit relays a message from EvilZoot, "Fed has programmers? I thought it was created by an act of god.".
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