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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate September 1996 |
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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate September 1996 |
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THE MONTH IN BRIEF The month started with the announcement that FedTerm, the new graphic front-end for Fed, was being temporarily withdrawn because of unresolved technical issues to do with the way it interacted with the main AOL system. Hazed permitted her newsdroids to probe her private life in an exclusive interview - see report below. A death-trap planet claimed at least eight victims - see story below. Two new late, late, late events were introduced for night-owls and west coasters: a Thursday night bar crawl and a Friday night party to start the weekend off right.
Have you ever wondered how Hazed came to be a Demi-Goddess? What her family is like? The truth about those rumors about Her and Icedrake? All of these questions and more were answered in an exclusive FedNews interview with the great Demi-Goddess Hazed. Despite interruptions and distractions (notably from one randy couple who had an exhibitionist bent, but then suddenly had an intense desire for privacy), the interview was successful and those in attendance learned all about Hazed. Hazed was in Federation DataSpace from the very beginning - that's right, she was present at the Big Boot! Ever since the moment of creation Hazed has been omnipresent. But she wasn't always a Demi-Goddess. That's right! In fact, she revealed to FedNews that she was once a GroundHog! She told us of the trials and tribulations as she worked her way up to become an Explorer - the ever-present crashes whenever a third person tried to sign on, the years of waiting for new ranks to be devised to satisfy her hunger for power, the burdens of fame and fortune. She told us of the blood, sweat and tears that were needed in order for her to become a Demi-Goddess. And she told us how she wrung the necessary blood, sweat and tears out of others. Hazed told of the decadent times that ensue when she goes to family reunions. She admitted that one of her family's shin-digs was responsible for the current barren state of Castillo. She also revealed that her family is actually quite low-born, there being no other quasi-deities among them, with the possible exception of one aunt. Apparently, Hazed inherited her carnal proclivities from her aunt Vidamere who has had the misfortune of being widowed 15 times. Hazed explained that this aunt had fitted her dead husbands with 'certain animatronic devices' to finish those duties their deaths have left unfulfilled. There are some things Hazed refused to reveal, though. When asked for the recipe for her trademark pink frothy drink, Hazed would only say that it contained the crushed petals of Jovian sunflowers and lots of alcohol. She also mentioned that on special occasions she mixes up a pink-frothy-drink-that-hits-you-round-the-head-like-a-spanner. It also came as no surprise that Hazed denied that there is any truth in the rumors about her and Icedrake, and daintily skirted around related questions. When asked to sum up her long experience in Federation DataSpace, Hazed said that she was absorbed by the social side of the game - the creation of a community that stretches around the world, the opportunity to meet and have fun with people from all over. As Hazed says: 'And where else can you go to a bar that's open all day, every day... with a pink fountain in the middle and an alien piano player...!'
Better late than never... let's take a look at the Fed calendar and see who is September's pin-up beauty. Why, it's the lovely Uniquette! She is seen dancing on a table, surrounded by her admirers who are clamouring for more of her unique gyrations. She's wearing a very fetching chain-mail bikini - the chain is not just made out of any old metal, it's fashioned from Xmets so it glows all different colors as she moves. Uni is a woman who loves her pleasures, and in one hand she has a jello shot that she is about to squeeze, suck and slurp out of its container into her mouth. The other hand holds a large cigar which she is waving around in a rather dangerous fashion! Adding the final touch to her posing, between her thighs she has clamped a rubber chicken. It's probably just as well that the chicken is upside down, with its head dangling between her knees, otherwise all kinds of smutty innuendo would suggest themselves which would be quite unsuitable for a respectable organ of the press such as this bulletin!
The planet Oasis has been closed for an indefinite time due to hazardous conditions. Following several complaints to the Ministry of Health by distraught next of kin, Imperial inspectors investigated the so-called death trap planet that had caused several D-D's. Although the official reports have not yet been completed, and aren't expected to be released for several months, JSantel, the overlord of Oasis closed all links leading to his planet. JSantel issued an apology to all victims of Oasis. Irregularities in the construction of the hospital on Oasis resulted in unsafe ground surrounding the hospital. Many clones blithely walked out of the hospital uninsured, not expecting to be knocked off a second time. There are rumours that the problems on Oasis were a deliberate attempt by the planet's owner to punish his factory owners for not selling their output to the exchange. We don't know if the rumours are true, but if so, it seems the punishment far exceeds the crime and indeed took down many innocent traders too! Of the eight known victims, one was Baron Soranth of Phoenix - just a few days away from becoming a Duke.
The FedNews offices received the following manifesto this week, delivered by an anonymous courier who nevertheless bore a striking resemblance to JCFeltz. Although the implications are not yet completely understood, it appears that certain planet-owners, all of whom feature the letter 'J' prominently in their names, have decided to make obscure demands upon Fed DataSpace. As a public service, we are printing the manifesto, as demanded by the so-called 'J-team', in order to prevent public disorder, expensive law-suits and the fulfillment of ancient prophecies. Fed News in no way condones or endorses the following statement (except for newsdroid #7, who has sympathy for many obscure causes). "We the J-team jannounce our jexistence and demand the following concessions from the jauthorities of Fed: All jareas in Fed are to be jalphabeticised, beginning with the noble letter 'J'. All non-J planet jowners are to become jour slaves and send us all the jagri goods we demand. (This jexcludes our jonorary member, JHOLR, Jindustrialist of Jsunset.) Jalan Lenton must give free donuts to jall of us. If jour demands are not met, we will begin to jexecute our plan of misjif and jagitation in Fed. Be forewarned that we will stop at nothing: no jexchange, no jinterstellar link, no jorbit will jescape our jotice. All of Jed-space jis at risk." Prominent psychiatrists have gone on the record concerning the strange terminology in this manifesto, and the odd bursts of j-flavored talk on Channel 9. "Obviously the stress of repeatedly typing <offer j commod planet 21> has hit these poor people." explained Dr. Floyd Boundhead, of the Martian Institute of Psychotherapy. Other opinions received lead us to believe that some patients in Fed DataSpace may be more sane than their psychiatrists - look for a special undercover report coming soon.
Weather conditions on Jupiter have been so erratic lately that weather reporters throughout Federation DataSpace have been unable to accurately predict the weather. An electrical storm Tuesday in Jupiter's northern hemisphere went completely unnoticed, due to the climatic confusion. This is simply the latest example of the dazzling inability of meteorologist to communicate Jovian weather conditions to the public. Research done by the Galactic Council for Knowledge of Stuff shows that 98.73% of people interviewed in Sol could not identify the correct current temperature of Jupiter (Note: this study is 95% accurate 19 times out of 20). What is the reason for this appalling lack of knowledge? Hargudev Dalgren, council representative for district ward 7, claims that the fault lies in the education system: 'We need to work harder at teaching our children about Jupiter's climate, so that they can be fully functioning members of our society and accurately identify the planet's temperature.' Joe Schwellnus, someone we stopped on the street for comment, says 'The weather forecasters can't even tell us if it's going to rain tomorrow, and you wonder why no one knows how hot it is on Jupiter? Better to read the Farmer's Almanac!'
Veni Vidi Punti/Came saw got punted NickDan141 has just gone south-east.
Your comms unit relays a message
from DDuggan421, 'HOW DO i KNOW WHO i AM'. Your comms unit crackles with a message from RedwallBJ, 'If the GM is out there please TB me ant tell me where you are.........If you do I'll give you 6 megs, Mr. GM........'
Your comms unit crackles with a message from (anonymous newbod), 'How do I pause the game?' Visions of all Fed DataSpace grinding to a halt as someone goes to the bathroom...
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