AOL NEWS YEARBOOK
Earthdate May 1996


Highlights from the news compiled
by the demi-Goddess Hazed


THE MONTH IN BRIEF

May was a quiet month...

The Easter planet, Labyrinth, was taken down without anyone solving the puzzle. The writers vowed to make any future puzzle planets easier, honest!

TheScavenger started running weekly scavenge hunts on the ever-changing world of Scavenge, and the first Magellan Cup rally race was held.

BobGunther became a Duke.

Squire WormHole11's planet Fight, a battleground of a world, won a Walrus of Merit.

Hazed uploaded a file to the official Fed library about Fed's first year - not on AOL, but Fed's very first year, back in 1988!


THE MAY FEDERATION PIN-UP

This month's image in the Federation Pin-up calendar stares out at you with reptilian eyes. The renowned Icedrake shifts his imposing bulk from side to side and stares balefully at everyone in sight. You get the impression that he is sizing you up, as if trying to decide if you would be just a light snack or whether there is enough meat on your bones to make up a full meal.

Icedrake's appetite is legendary. His consumption of several planets that once graced the skies of Federation is well-documented and he is suspected of having swallowed a few others that have mysteriously gone missing. When his stomach grumbles, planet owners cower in fear and pray that he does not cast his gaze on their worlds.

Perhaps it is because he has digested many planets that Icedrake is so well-versed in the minutiae of constructing them. Thus we see an image of prospective overlords crowding around the lizard-like host to hear his sibilant sounds. Although eager to snap up any wisdom that Icedrake imparts, the gathered planet-builders are always cautious of sudden shifts in his imposing girth, quickly moving out of the way to avoid being crushed under his considerable bulk.

Keep an eye out for next month's image in this space!


YOU'VE GOT A KATYWHAT?

We've had tremendous response to last week's invitation to define a Katydidic. Here are some of the explanations that were submitted:

Isn't a katydidic a kindergardener's excuse to blame what they did on a specific little girl?
-ShindlerM

A katydidic is a small microbe that people use in their leisure time to consume and love it so much because it compels them to fondle other peoples bellybuttons. Katydidics are so popular since the craze of fondling bellybuttons began.
-Gigfog

Your comms unit crackles with a message from NAMcD, 'Occcy, is that a katydidic in yer pocket or are you glad to see Deor?'
-submitted by LEPockets

The Katydidic is a brooch of sorts... a medal you could say. Each Katydidic represents 1 (one) proof of sexual prowess. The Katydidic was named (in part) after Lady Katy, the Overlord of OooBaby, a planet which spiraled out of the Federation after a very full planet life. Katy, who 'did' Occy, LtleShaver, ValorNine, NAMcD and Hazed (to name a few) also 'did' Iccy, Occy's younger brother. Iccy, it seems had a bad heart, and died soon after Katy did him. Although not much is remembered about Katy, OooBaby, or Iccy, the medal of honor... the Katydidic, still survives to remind us when Katy did Ic, and when she did others.
-Deebz

KATYDID ~ a green insect related to the grasshopper
-IC ~ the suffix means relating to; of
Therefore...
a katydidic is relating to a katydid?!?! You mean we're out there trading something that has to do with green bugs?!?! :::::Shudders::::: Then how come they're classified as leisure products?!?! Very suspicious, if you ask me....
-GoJRC

Thanks to all who sent in their descriptions of a Katydidic!

So, what is it, really? We sent a droid to interview Alan Lenton, the creator of the Fed universe. He was reluctant to talk to us, so we plied him with his favorite tipple, Rigellian green chili vodka until his tongue became slightly looser. When we considered he was sufficiently relaxed, we popped the question: "What exactly is a katydidic?" Sadly, we had misjudged the alcoholic content of the drinks, and what answer the great one gave was mumbled through a drunken haze before he collapsed under the table giggling quietly to himself.

So we shall never know!


THE RECORD DEAL OF THE CENTURY!

You've heard him on open comms. You've heard him on channel 1. He's the hottest thing to hit the galaxy since Haley's comet! It's Starbounty and now he's comin' atcha with a brand new collection of hits! New from Federation Records, it's "Starbounty's Greatest Hits Volume 1!!!!" The album tracks Starbounty's career from the very beginning with such hits as, "You Ain't Nothin' but a Newbod," "Haulin' USA," and "Trader Girl." It also includes #1 smashes "What's New Zlitherworm?", "Hazed Only Knows", "Monty, Monty", and "Last Train to Nismerk." Of course Starbounty also has a sensitive side as shown by his tender ode to merchantdom, "I've lost that haulin' feeling." Plus, if you order now you'll receive a special bonus disk of Starbounty's performance at the Federation Festival for the Preservation of Gnomes featuring his brilliant rendition of "Only the Gnomely" and his lyrical poem "Diesel and the bat." Act quickly because supplies are limited. Available at CDs and other fine bars throughout the galaxy.


IMPENDING ECONOMIC DISASTER?

We recently received a dire warning from devoted reader Tom43C. He believes that economic collapse is imminent and counsels everyone to take immediate action to protect themselves from the upcoming recession.

Tom43C believes that more and more money is being removed from the Federation economy due to 'spywire, spynet, spybeam purchases, fuel, ship repairs, miniature black-holes that only suck in groats, and even buying drinks'. According to his theory, money is being taken out of circulation by the mega-groat and that this will soon cause a critical shortage of groats that will crash the galactic economy.

Noted economists, when asked about the likelihood of Tom43C's scenario, have publicly denounced it. When pressed however, they have admitted that such a situation is possible.

In true bureaucratic form, Imperial economists released this brief statement: 'Long-term dwindling of Galactic groat reserves could lead to an acute shortage of fluid tender that would cause a sharp upward spiral in interest rates and have a dampening effect on the overall statistical indicators.' Researchers at the International Institute of Cryptography are working round-the-clock in an effort to decode this government communique.

Is Fed on a collision course with economic disaster? Can it be averted? What can you do to protect your investments? Where's the best place in the galaxy to get a Rigellian brandy? These are weighty questions, with no easy answers. For the moment we can only wait and wonder.


QUOTES OF THE MONTH

'So, Dee, what brings you in Fed?', smiles AYEAYE2.
Deebz says, 'a keyword.'

Your comms unit crackles with a message from Mnemosine, 'any highs on libs or arts?'
Your comms unit crackles with a message from LrdVengnce, 'You can't keep arts lit...I've tried..'


BULLETIN ENDS


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