AOL NEWS YEARBOOK
Earthdate April 1996


Highlights from the news compiled
by the demi-Goddess Hazed


THE MONTH IN BRIEF

Selena of the Spaceways started offering a tour of the Galaxy to all new Commanders - and allowed anyone else who wished to take the tour, too.

The <WHO> display switched to being one column instead of two - and, at last, it was shown in alphabetical order. Much easier to keep track of who was around!

The <SPYNET REPORT companyname> command let you find out who owned the specified corporation.

The first of the Federation Yearbooks was published! But since you're reading one now, you know all about them.

April Fool's Day dawned, and Fed celebrated in style with a party and piefight hosted by JackInTheBox, and an April Fool's Planet called Phule, which saw many players become hopelessly trapped by the lure of "free sex and money".

As if that wasn't enough... the Easter planet, Labyrinth, was opened for business with a fiendish puzzle that offered ten free hours of AOL time to the first person to solve it.

The Cup of Fearlessness was introduced, officially giving violent types a reason to rush around Arena Space shooting at each other. The first tournament was won by Demonslaw.

C5crwchief and NAMcD became Dukes.

JXidus's amazing four-dimensional planet Fourd won a Walrus of Merit, and so did FilmNoir, hangout of that ace detective Nick Danger, better known as NickDan141.


THE FEDERATION 1996 PIN-UP CALENDAR: APRIL

Once again this month we present a description of the picture from the much vaunted, eagerly awaited Federation 1996 Pin-up calendar.

In the spotlight this month is that mechanical miracle, that robotic rarity, MagsT1000. A self-portrait of Mags found in the file library has had a record number of downloads, so it is expected that his pin-up from the calendar will adorn the walls of many a young girl.

The immense, metal-plated MagsT1000 is seen in motion, hurrying along a dusty roadway on Mars. Without a doubt he is on his way to Chez Diesel's to oversee the initiation of a new Host, or some other equally important task.

Although in his self-portrait Mags appears rather scrawny and under-nourished, you can see that in reality he is a hulking mass of iron and steel. His carapace gleams, the bright sheen obviously brought on by the consumption of many glasses of WD-40 with twists of lime.

MagsT1000 impresses you as a figure befitting the season - a being of action and movement after the long winter slumber.

Look next month for another excerpt from the Federation Pin-up calendar.


HOW TO REPORT PROBLEMS

May we please remind you that if you are reporting a problem or bug in the game, you must give us enough detail to find out what exactly happened. In most cases, this means that we need a capture or log of the bug in action.

It is particularly important if you are asking for reimbursement because a bug has made you lose groats. The onus is on you to prove to us that the bug exists, and that you did lose groats. If you cannot provide a capture, then we will not reimburse for any losses.

There are two ways to take a capture. One is to turn on a log file, which will record everything that happens to you in Fed. To do this, select LOGGING from the File menu, then open a Session Log (not a Chat Log, that's something different). Give the log file a name, and then whatever appears on your screen will be saved to the file on your hard disk. You can then mail the file to us as an attached file.

The other way lets you save something after it has happened. Scroll back over your Fed session and find the part you want to keep. Place the cursor at the beginning of the relevant section, then hold down the mouse button and move the mouse to the end of the section. As you drag the mouse down, the text will become highlighted. Then, with the text still highlighted, select COPY from the Edit menu. This copies the text onto a clipboard. You can now PASTE the text into some mail, or into an empty window (select NEW from the File menu) which can then be saved to your hard disk, or into another program if you wish.


POETRY CORNER

We thank Wpoco, that wonderfully weasely woman, for this little bit of verse:

"What is a thane, insane inane... compared to a squire he is much higher. An industrialist instead, plays lots of Fed... while a technocrat indeed has few workers to Feed. But a Baron, a Baron will surely puke if you tell him he can't be a Duke."

Rumor has it that lawyers on Starbase 1 are drafting an Imperial Edict that will make the composition of poetry a capital offense. It is not clear whether such a ruling would be a blow to culture, or a boost to good taste.


THE COST OF DOING PUZZLES

The following is excerpted from an abstract on a report issued by the firm Corporate Industrial Mutual Life Fund Inc:

In order to ascertain the value of our investment in several puzzle exploration ventures, we undertook a study on the profitability of said ventures. The findings of this inquiry have been collected, collated and summarized in the following totals:

Revenues:
45,542,078 IG Average value of prizes claimed from puzzles

Expenses:
18,500,000 Cost of insurance
923,500 Cost of repairs to ship
27,423 Cost of food (to replenish Stam)
12,017 Cost of ship fuel
6,220,439 Value of lost wages
1,577,820 Hospital fees
3,209,597 Cost of tips to gas station attendants when you become
hopelessly lost and need to ask them for directions
12,672,141 Losses involved in selling ship when you have to use the
Travel command because you are hopelessly lost and there are
no gas stations nearby at which to ask for directions
2,399,127 Awards defaulted on by planet owners

45,542,064 Total Expenses

Net Profit of average puzzle-solving venture: 14 IG

In light of these findings we counsel that it is unwise for this investment house to continue funding such operations. The final analysis shows a negligible return on investment. We support the transfer of capital investments away from such marginal areas into more lucrative arenas, such as insurance brokerages on Starbase 1...


QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Your comms unit relays a message from JDX10, 'i just commit suicide twice to myself and i died but i had no wepons i only played Federation once so i had nothing no wepons it was real fun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Your comms unit relays a message from DemonsLaw, 'HOW do you find out who owns this planet? I want to know the name before i shoot them down'

Your comms unit relays a message from Madmaxx990, 'I have cargo space of 26 ton....charge 1,000,000,000 per ton....have it there by Saturday!'
Your comms unit relays a message from SkyAceII, 'Madmaxx, you're FIRED!'

And another gem from our grand Greeters:
Your comms unit relays a message from FINKN0DL, 'Answers: 2k Correct answers: 5k Long, uninteligable answers: 4k Dumb looks: Free'


BULLETIN ENDS


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