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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate March 1996 |
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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate March 1996 |
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THE MONTH IN BRIEF Finally, the TechDroid finishes his rewrite of the underlying game code, which fixed those awful crash problems and meant we could have the <SYSTEMS> command back. It also reduces reset time from 20 minutes to 2 minutes... much better! Earth became the capital planet of the Sol duchy, which meant it no longer had a working exchange - or indeed any economy of its own apart from an enormous complement of bureacrats and pen-pushers! The electronic bar board was altered so that a player could only have one post up at a time, forcing graffiti artists to become much less verbose. We started to see people nodding off in bars, as anyone who hadn't typed anything for 5 minutes was put to sleep by the game. The message board and file library split, separating out the official from the player. ValorNine managed to reduce the population on his planet Virtis to such miniscule proportions it was no longer able to function, and vanished completely from the game until mended by the TechDroid. Upon its return, ValorNine became Fed's second Duke! The Emperor Ming stepped down hard on tentative plans amongst freedom-loving players to hold presidential elections in Fed (see story below). Fed celebrated St. Patrick's Day with a float competition organised by ChasRoll, and a party and costume contest with a prize of free AOL time. ShamrockLaddy helped judge the contest and made sure the party was a ball. The prize was won by UWntMyKiss... see the story below for the reason why! MJMirick's planet Trout won a Walrus of Merit for its fishing theme.
No matter whether March comes in like a lion or like a lamb, this month's pin-up is sure to make you roar with delight and leave you bleating for more. So without further ado, let's turn the page on February and look forward to the third hologram of the 1996 Federation Pin-up Calendar: Slumped in the middle of a room littered with empty bottles is the subject of this month's pic: WaitDroid. Unlike the common waitdroid that is found in bars across the galaxy, this mechanical Host has a shapely figure that is much-admired. Waitdroid is gazing longingly at a RoboBod perched nearby at the bar. Although, looking closely, you wonder whether she is in fact staring at RoboBod. Perhaps she is actually ogling the cleanerdroid going about its business. Your mind races back to the alleged incident last year involving the false code 7 and WaitDroid's obscene attack on the cleaner. [See the 95.09.23 edition of the Spynet Bulletin for details] A side panel displays WaitDroid in Chez Diesel, engaged in one of her favorite pastimes - 'swerving' drinks of a definitely alcoholic nature. In fact, it is obvious from the weaving and swaying of the hologram that WaitDroid is not just a FedHost - she is also a DrunkHost! Despite the perpetual state of inebriation in which WaitDroid appears, she is still able to discharge her Hostly duties with excellence. There are several images of her helping Federation citizens in need, although it is obvious that she is completely soused. Look again next month for the description of the April Pin-up.
The winner of the contest, who walked away with 5 free hours of AOL time, was: UwntMyKiss slowly walks down the catwalk, playfully twirlin her shamrock, lookin for her lucky leprechaun. She gigglez as she blows a kiss in your direction. >ex uwntmykiss A velvet green body suit with matching pots of gold in those over-the-rainbow locations. She carries a 4-leaf clover to give her special leprechaun. UwntMyKiss feels the luck of the Irish as she bends down to pick over a piece of gold which Alexi dropped out of his pocket. UwntMyKiss slowly walks back toward her seat and tosses her clover over to Nam!! UwntMyKiss giggles and sits back down
As expected, this week witnessed the conversion of the Earth economy to a bureaucratic structure. The new bureaucracy's first action was to issue a decree condemning Earth's livestock herds. It was discovered that the herds were suffering from bovine spongiform encephalopathy, commonly known as mad cow disease, so the tainted beef was put to death. Unfortunately, due to some spare forms going astray, the neophyte paper-pushers made a slight error. This small mistake resulted in the expansion of the slaughter order to include the razing of Earth's cereal fields, the closing of Earth's gold mines, the destruction of Earth's univator factories and a few other minor inconveniences. The ultimate implication of this minor mayhem is that Earth no longer has any goods to trade. Despite these inconsequential mistakes, the Earth populace is reported to be adjusting well to its new role as paperwork processor for the rest of the solar system. Luckily, enough wood was saved from the general destruction of resources to make plenty of forms, in triplicate.
The following is excerpted from a recent press release from the offices of Emperor Ming the Merciless: It has come to the attention of the galactic authorities that certain personages have been conducting campaigns, both covert and overt, for the express purpose of winning votes in a presidential election. These persons are either fools or scamps, for there is no president in Federation DataSpace. Federation is subject to imperial rule. It is not a democracy, it is a totalitarian autocracy. Ming the Merciless rules with an iron fist. (At least we think it is a fist. Because of Ming's notorious reclusiveness, it is hard to say with certainty that his physiological structure employs a fist. Perhaps it would be more correct to say that Ming rules with a pugilistic iron appendage.) The majority of Federation citizens support this form of governance - and why shouldn't they! Who would really want to live in a democracy? Think of all the drawbacks of the democratic system. Do you really want your idiot neighbor to have a say in who runs the government? Is it really wise to allow that snert at the bar to help decide who will be the leader of Sol and Federation DataSpace? Of course not! Who wants to be bothered with all the trouble of voting every four cycles, anyway? All that time that would be wasted on marking silly little Xs on pieces of paper is much better spent making yourself a ton of groats. Trying to decide who will be leader is a needless distraction from the important work of making money. If a democratic system were in place, then Starbase1 would have to be renovated and redecorated every four cycles as a new leader took office and changed the seat of power to suit his or her tastes. Imagine the expense! Imagine the taxes! Far better to spend those taxes on gifts for Ming's harem, rather than constantly changing the decor on Starbase1. In addition, the citizens of Federation would be subjected to that evil force that invariably accompanies any election - political advertisements. We are already afflicted with enough advertisements for hauling services, the wonders of this planet or that planet, worthy causes for donations, and so on ad infinitum. The promotional arm of an election campaign would result in every surface being plastered with posters, and every second of air-time being filled with suggestions to vote for this nitwit or that imbecile. I'm sure we can do without that. So, rejoice in the knowledge that Ming the Merciless has undertaken the thankless task of ruling Federation. He will not lose hold of the reins of power, nor countenance any contrived attempts at 'elections'. May the reign of Emperor Ming stretch on for eons to come!
In light of the reaction to Emperor Ming's press release last week, the newsdroids have been wracking their electronic brains in search of some positive uses for an elected Federation president. They are happy to share with you what they have come up with: The president could be used for
target practice in the Arena. We hope that these examples illustrate the positive side of having a president in Federation.
1) Enter the workbench
With over 100 planets to choose from, the outer links and Sol give you the tools you need to fight the exchange hopping blues. Are you tired of spanners, tokens and groats? Has dodging Peg and Monty lost it's appeal? Why not take a break and --*Travel Fed*--! The Federation's worlds offer mountains, seas, forests and valleys. *Camp* out in a *Grand* *Fantasy* world of *Adventure* and *Magic*. Many worlds await your travels. Just look at what you're missing! The out-of-Sol Federation planets boast: --* 12 castles --* 2 mountain retreats --* 19 picnic areas --* 6 amusement parks --* 3 zoos --* 2 water parks --* 3 golf courses --* 2 baseball diamonds --* 3 arboretums --* 6 museums --* 19 swimming pools and ponds --* 729 bars, restaurants and other eateries --* 1,596 Jacuzzis and hot tubs. Looking for excitement? The Federation planets and links will satisfy your urge for adventure with 394 death traps and/or space killing mobiles. (Although 127 of those are on Ganja, the other planets nonetheless have high standards in quality of danger.) Looking for Groats? No less then 289 groat rewarding puzzles are hidden on the Federation worlds. Several planets will even make good on the rewards that they advertise! So *Bail* out of the *Deceit*, the *Torment* and the (*Arrrgh*!!!!) *Insanity* of the exchanges! Travel the Federation, today! (This has been a paid advertisement by the Amalgamated Out-of-Sol Tourist Association.)
The debate over who exactly is considered a rich person has long flourished in the bars and in posted messages. Although a Trader is richer than a Captain, his fortune seems paltry in comparison to a JourneyPerson's riches. Yet even a JP appears destitute when put beside a Planet Owner and the resources that an overlord has at her disposal. So who is rich and who is poor? We shall leave that question to the philosophers. However, everyone can at the least agree that Planet Owners are rich. Or so we thought until we heard this: Bgd2222: But if you gimme the cash
id be glad to! [The Editor wishes to confirm that generally anyone owning a planet is considered a rich person and also a very bad person to insult] [Hazed adds the following comment: "Actually Poor Person refers to everyone with less money than me, darling!"]
The Imperial Surgeon General has determined that repeated sex change operations can cause binge/purge cycles of the strangest sort...
Your comms unit relays a message from BadBoyBob4, 'if i buy a 100 ton fuel tanks, does that mean it only holds 100 tons of fuel?' Your comms unit relays a message
from Whiskers20, 'I'm on earth where do I go to die?' Anonymous Newbod: "What is
Mercury called on the map?" CBrown7381: "How do I get a
gas permit?"
Humgirl, after being lost in the
Martian ruins: "Thanks all...it'll be a while before
I have the balls to go back in there"
Ribbed, for her pleasure, LrdVengnce has just arrived.
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