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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate December 1995 |
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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate December 1995 |
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THE MONTH IN BRIEF The Emperor Ming announced a huge increase in the duchy tax, from 10% to 25%, in order to wring more groats from the planets in his domain. Explorers were required to build an Interstellar Link before they could link their planets into the game. A Christmas planet gave players the chance to discover why Santa Claus had disappeared, by visiting the North Pole, a crowded shopping mall, and various other seasonal places. There were Christmas parties, New Year parties... all kinds of fun in Fed, including visits from Santa Claus! We introduced new screen layouts and artwork for the Fed area on AOL, bringing you the picture of Selena of the Spaceways, and the very useful maps of the Solar System, Earth, Mars and Venus. Iskabis was awarded the Walrus of Merit for his planet, Spire, and Dilvish's Pacifica also gained that honour.
A virulent form of Green-Spotted Rigellian Plague hit the H-by-A office this week, affecting productivity and causing the news to be published a day late. This disease is unusual in that it affects not only humans, aliens and other flesh and blood lifeforms, but also droids. Because of this, even the humble TeaDroids have been laid low and unable to step into the breach to produce the bulletin. This morning, the demi-Goddess Hazed dragged herself into the office to put together something resembling the news, and since you are reading it, she must have succeeded! A journalist from a rival organisation was heard to mutter, 'I always knew Hazed was a sick person!'
What a lot of hysteria there has been this week from frustrated JPs. It seems there's a player out there called Zedan, who gets his kicks from sabotaging GM puzzle attempts. Outraged JPs are demanding that the Fed Team DO SOMETHING about Zedan. Well, lets just look at this a moment. First off, there is no STEAL command in Fed. If you are holding an object, no player can take it away from you. If you are not holding an object, then it is not YOUR object, even if you are standing next to it. In Fed, it's "Finder's Keepers". Nobody ever said that life was fair, and that goes for life in Fed too. Nobody ever said that players were not allowed to try to mess things up if they wanted. Taking an object that you intended to use comes into the same category as shooting at you, or beating you to a job you wanted to do, or getting to a good trading deal before you can. It's just the normal competition you get in any society. None of these things are TOSable offences, nor are they against the Fed policy. The line in the Fed policy that says you should not do anything to prevent others enjoying the game does not refer to this kind of competition. It refers to harassment, not player rivalry. The GM puzzle is a PUZZLE. It is supposed to be hard to solve, to take many attempts over a period of time. Learning how to defeat players that might want to mess you up is just another part of the puzzle. There are plenty of ways to prevent people from taking the objects, if you think about it for a moment. So just calm down, and stop yelling about it.
Much to the relief of correspondents around the galaxy, news has leaked out about the possibility of a new workshop - this one covering the topic of letter writing! OxcartII led the first late-night test of this new workshop, although some attendees wondered whether he was teacher or student. Amid cries of 'Mail!' OxcartII provided a hands-on, step by step example of how to compose mail. Thanks to the helpful comments of the FairWitnss, Cometlt and Solarflyer as well as the liberal ingestion of Sam Adams Honey Porter, OxcartII was able to come up with the following masterpiece:
The final reading was met with thunderous applause from an appreciative audience. Although it hasn't yet been announced which Host will lead the next such workshop and pit their literary skills against those of OxcartII, public opinion polls show that there is a large demand for someone with such impressive poetical abilities.
Perhaps it's the season... crowded shopping malls, nasty cold weather, swarming packs of children running headlong and yelling excitedly at the top of their lungs, unbelievably annoying and pervasive advertising at every turn... Whatever the cause, isn't it remarkable how the year's end brings out the most unusual side of people. Thus, it came to pass this last week, that a large number of Fed's citizens all received the same charming letter via their Email. Reactions to it were varied. C5crwchief, after reading it, wrote 'Last message on this please... do NOT reply to all... no one wants to see this thing live thru infamy.' Kidnut simply commented, 'Who is in a killing mood?' Although, whether his response was directed at the missive's author or was a result of Kidnut having to scroll through 98 names a number of times is unclear. Never the less, we here on the Fednews desk are happy to report that we can indeed give our readers the chance to peruse the notorious communique for themselves... with a few small corrections by the Fed DataSpace Censordroid.
Yes, we're quite sure you all enjoyed that docket of synonymous prolixity from which you can mix and match the etymons at your convenience. Which brings us to the point of the preceding diatribe. Following is our 'Quote of the Week', this issue's kudos going out to RogrWilcox for his own rebuttal to All[Imbibes]1996's composition...
'Tis the season to be jolly - and apparently the season to send mail as well. Judging by the traffic through the mailboxes the postman must have been busy this week. Not only were there the expected Christmas cards - wishing everyone the best for the holiday season - there was also a spate of mass email campaigns. At the end of the week the tally was intimidating: 271 invitations to Christmas or New Year's parties; 357 Christmas cards; 729 invitations or exhortations to join guilds; and 563 death threats. (Apparently some people misinterpret the Christmas spirit.)
As we all know, this is the time of year that Santa Claus is checking his lists. Although everyone aspires to be on the 'nice' list, not everyone makes the cut. A photograph was slipped under the door of the Fed news office this week. It was a picture of two people in a rather acrobatic position. In fact it looks as though it must have taken quite a bit of warm up and practice to get into such a pose. Needless to say, these two people will certainly be on Santa's 'naughty' list. The man in the picture is none other than the notorious PsiMystic. The peasants on Arcadia had been wondering why their overlord had been honing his skills as a contortionist - now they know! Unfortunately the face of the woman in the photo was artificially obscured. It is worthy of note though, that earlier in the day Solarflyer was seen in Chez Diesel's negotiating with a blackmailer. A mysterious character who went by the name of Necropus was threatening to reveal some embarrassing secret of Solarflyer's. Also accompanying the photograph was a collection of logs. Unfortunately they were ruined when Cryptosporidium unexpectedly visited the H-by-A news office and sat on them. The resulting slime left the documents completely illegible.
While he was visiting Chez Diesel's this week, Alan Lenton was asked by several patrons what changes can be expected for Fed in the new year. In a fit of Christmas spirit (and perhaps helped along by the several rounds he was treated to) ALenton shared some of the commands that are currently being tested. A newsdroid procured the following exclusive report: TWIRK: This command, created by the fusion of a thwapp and a smirk, would allow people to land a chastising blow while simultaneously wearing an obnoxious smile. It would be potentially useful to those who are of two minds about comments they are the subject of. NAG: This has perhaps received the most attention and is expected to receive the most use if it is actually put in place. Using this function, captains and adventurers would be able to nag JPs for jobs, traders would nag merchants for price checks, CEOs would nag POs for factories and of course newbods would be able to nag Hosts and Greeters with inane questions. Stiff resistance among the Hosts may doom this command, although the Hosts may give up their reservations if they are permitted to nag Hazed and ALenton. POKE: This command would (naturally) allow players to poke each other. The command would take a parameter, allowing people to 'poke arm', 'poke leg', 'poke stomach', 'poke gr.....well, we're sure you get the idea. INTERFACE: This command is being kept ultra-secret, so little is known about its function. Beta-testers report though, that interfacing is 'very satisfying'.
Everyone is well aware of the tremendous advances in medical technology that have been made at the renowned Earth regional hospital. Their system for processing patients in the Puddy Memorial ward is studied as an example of maximum efficiency by hospital administrators from across the galaxy. The efficacy of the scanner is amazing and the work of the pathology department is nothing short of fantastic. After seeing miraculous recoveries effected and new ground broken by the marvelous doctors and nurses, it's easy to start to think that they can do anything. But some things may even be beyond the powers of the miracle-workers at the hospital. Thus, staff at the hospital was shocked when Agarsu strode into their offices and announced that he wanted a sex change. A sex-change in itself is not shocking, in fact it is one of the hospital's most popular procedures. But Agarsu did not simply want to be a boy or a girl - he wanted to be both! Agarsu demanded to be made a hermaphrodite! It seems that Agarsu had experienced both maleness and femaleness and found that he liked them both so much that he couldn't decide between the two. His solution was to become a hermaphrodite. "The best of both worlds!" he was heard to exclaim. Unfortunately the staff at Earth's regional hospital wasn't able to oblige him - the operation to effect hermaphrodism has yet to be perfected. It is reported that Agarsu is visiting each of the hospitals in the galaxy to see if any reputable members of the medical community will undertake to make his dream a reality.
At a press conference late last night, a group of haulers announced that they are suing the United League of JourneyPersons and all its constituent members. The suit filed accuses the JourneyPersons of collusion and price-fixing in their hiring of haulers. The haulers claim to be in possession of logs that record several JourneyPersons in conversation about artificially lowering hauling prices. This could be seen as unfair hiring practices and forms the basis of the haulers' case. Although the League of JourneyPersons vehemently denies any wrongdoing by its members, there have already been several out of court settlements. Hauling prices have been fluctuating greatly ever since word of the case leaked out. The haulers have asked the teamster's union on Roissy to investigate further, but it seems unlikely that that any resources will be diverted from their ongoing search for Jimmy Hoffa.
Captains and Adventurers were stunned when news leaked out that a secret cabal of JourneyPersons had been convened to draw up a hauler blacklist. Junior ranks scurried to and fro, trying to find out if their names had been included on the blacklist. Presumably, blacklisted haulers will be passed over when the coveted JP job offers are awarded. Comparisons to 18th century witchhunts and 20th century McCarthyism abounded. Several haulers seeking employment were asked "Do you currently hold, or have you ever in the past held membership in an armed guild?". Although critics have pointed out that the fear and paranoia generated by this blacklist are not conducive to trade, JourneyMan KnightFrce replied "It's a start". In fact, KnightFrce apparently advocates extensive public hearings into the loyalty of suspect haulers. The matter has been referred to the Federation Senate for further deliberation.
Last week, it was reported that Icedrake had seriously injured his claw in a freak accident involving Oxcart's whip (the very same whip, incidentally, rumored to have been confiscated by Oxcart from one Duchesse 'A'.) This week brings new light on the purported accident. The rumors that would suggest Demi-Goddess Hazed was involved in the events began to prove more fact than fiction when Icedrake was overheard idly commenting, 'Well, I can type a little better now, but itsss ssstill tender. I guessssss I'll have to be more careful around Hazed when ssshe's reaching for the peanut butter cups.' When a concerned citizen immediately turned to Hazed, chastising her for having bitten Icedrake's claw off, she was taken off-guard and guiltily stammered, 'I didn't... it wasn't... I never!' 'Liesss! All liesss! Ssshe ssstarted it!' retorted Icedrake, forgetting the fortune in 'hush-money' he'd been given in the passion of the moment. All these startling revelations prompted another citizen to remark, "Peanut butter cups? What exactly...???....' 'They were 38D cups, too!' Hazed blurted out, by this time letting emotion get the better of discretion. 'How do you eat your Reeses...LOL!' asked yet another bystander, witnessing the exchange. 'In Hazed'sss cassse, with limbsss attached,' responded Icedrake vehemently. At that point, the Demi-Goddess gathered her wits and staged a retaliatory action, saying, 'It was an accident! You shouldn't have been trying to pick my teeth for me, anyway.' 'You ssshouldn't have ssstuck the televisssion remote in between them, then!' answered Icedrake, his logic difficult to refute. The audience turned vicious, demanding of the distraught Demi-Goddess, 'Hazed. Have you been doing naughty things again?' And commenting, 'Uht ohh...da battle of Claws and Jaws!' But there is a reason for Demi-Goddessness. Hazed squared her shoulders, assumed a regal stance (note: we did *not* say 'the position') and quipped back staunchly, 'Me? Naughty? Never!' None the less, Icedrake was not to be undone in the face of such Demi-Goddishness. 'Hazed? Naughty? That'sss an underssstatement. }:)' Suddenly, there was a feeling like a rip in the fabric of reality. Around everyone, the colours went pale and faded, and they realized that they could see dimly through solid objects. Then as fast as it had happened, things were restored to normal, and they were left wondering about their sanity. 'Sssee! Ssshe did it AGAIN!' accused Icedrake. '::bops Hazed with thekalindra:: You sssaid you were going to ssstop that!' 'Sorry, I just can't resist,' whinged Hazed. 'If you're going to accuse me of all these dreadful things, I shall leave. I shall! I shall go and sulk!!' There you have it, concerned readers. Hazed is proven guilty of biting off Icedrake's claw in a bizarre accident involving peanut butter, remote controls and whips. More news to follow regarding what compensation if any Icedrake will seek for his sadly now-deficient claw and resulting emotional instability and depression... and whether he'll be forced to give up his considerable 'settlement' and regal status now he has leaked the story to the News.
Exobot has finally reclaimed his rightful place as duke of Droidium - but that may not be cause for celebration. Exobot launched an attack against the Venusian Liberation Army, the terrorist group that had previously ousted him from power and had control of Droidium. Exobot gathered his forces on Outpost and when the moment was right, he committed his troops. Although Exobot was aided by loyalists throughout the duchy, the VLA had firm control and fanatical warriors, so the fighting was fierce. Pitched battles took place around Droidium as well as Eternity and Merkant. The combat around all three worlds was deadly and casualties were high. In fact, the fighting in the Merkant and Eternity systems was so destructive that both planets were completely obliterated! The capital would have suffered a similar fate, but for an eleventh-hour agreement that stopped the fighting. Details of the peace treaty between Exobot and the VLA are scarce. A proclamation made by the Duke announcing his triumphant return was informative only insofar as no mention was made of the VLA. In light of the fact that the first new planet to join the reclaimed duchy was Atlantis, whose overlord C5crwchief is an ardent VLA supporter, it must be assumed that the terrorists remain in Droidium. Apparently Droidium is now a safe haven for the Venusian villains. Now that they have the support of a Duke, what the VLA's next move will be is anyone's guess.
The Venusian Liberation Army concentrated on building its forces this week through a series of daring thefts. The galaxy was shocked to see the VLA make off with entire planets and drag them into the duchy of Droidium! Several planet owners were brainwashed and some overlords were convinced to join the VLA after their planets were held for ransom by Exobot. It is even rumored that some of the POs were blackmailed into joining, but we have been unable to uncover what they might have been blackmailed with. In any case the VLA seems satisfied with the twelve planets it has 'enticed' into Droidium. They now seem to be marshaling their forces for their next major strike. Where and when that will be is anyone's guess.
Palates eager for new tastes should take note of a sandwich now being offered on Atlantis that is sure to tempt anyone: the 2 all Gig patties Meta sauce tomato cheese pickles lettuce onion on a sesame seed bun! Although Gigfog now knows what happened to his mysteriously missing legs, he does not seem happy about it. Similarly, MetaFaust is reported to be less than pleased with the matter. The new delicacy has received rave reviews from everywhere else though, so we encourage everyone to try one today.
Workthingys revolted yesterday after finding that the flavorfull (albeittough) meat that had always appeared in their beloved meat-processor had been mysteriously replaced by standard workthigy meat last week. After being dissasembled, the Workthing Cantina's waste-refuse was examinedfor evidence that would explain this development. The investigation revealed DNA comprable to that of Gigfog. Currently, Workthingy Central Headquarters (along with angry planet-owners who want their workthings back) have dispatched bounty hunters to retrieve more Gigfog-meat. Furthermore, it's rumored that researchers at Ming Meat-Processing are working overtime in an effort to replicate gigfog-patties to capture the new market this demand has generated.
We continue to follow the ongoing story of the unfortunate Gigfog and his missing legs. It was reported last week that Gigfog's legs were cruelly taken from him by the Venusian Liberation Army and used to feed workthingies in Sol. In a fit of compassion the VLA agreed to replace his legs - thus the terrorist's doctors successfully grafted a pair of llama legs onto Gigfog. Although initially outraged on discovering that he had been given such hairy, inhuman legs, Gigfog has since adjusted well to his new limbs. In fact, they have apparently opened new possibilities for him - he has announced the existence of a coalition of llamas that are for the moment following his direction. Will we soon see Federation overrun by woolly ruminants? Will these beasts come down for or against the VLA? Will the cleaner droid be able to clean up after them? These questions and many more remain, for the moment, unanswered. Rest assured though, that you will read of any new developments here.
Heard in and around Federation this past week: Your comms unit relays a message from SCOTTCSP, 'You have been in Federation DataSpace for approximately 329 days.' Your comms unit relays a message from EvilZoot, 'The paranoia level in Fed must be kept at a maximum! Guy, your constant injections of common sense are not helping!' Your comms unit relays a message from BigFanBoy, 'You are currently building CrashKill. Construction approximentally 96% complete.' RokMonster says, 'My factories made groats and sent them to me.'
From a confused GroundHog... 'I've read the manual - now what do I do?'
Capricorn - It doesn't take unusual charms to find people to haul for you (only limitless patience). Aquarius - Don't succumb to panic when, while sitting on the tram, the realization dawns that someone may be typing the 'wait' command. Pisces - The elf is in the bathroom. Or is it the VLA? Aries - Don't start carving watermelons on anyone's account. Taurus - You may find some haulers have promising careers as reactor shielding. Gemini - You know you're in trouble when half of Fed is on one channel and you're not. Cancer - A pale and tiny kangaroo will soon inform you of the dangers that may present themselves to you. Pegasaurius - You should fly 3 south of Mercury at your earliest convenience. Leo - You will meet a Groundhog who will ask you for money in the near future. Virgo - The GM has been kidnapped by the VLA. But you knew this, didn't you? Scorpio - Seek out bored planet owners with whips. Sagittarius - As The Great Guru Gortek has said... 'Without lust, we may have died out a long time ago.'
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